Not hopeless

I started reading this quote as if it applied to my struggle with being a single adult. I realize once I recognized the quote that that wasn't the original message or meaning. However, with the amazing things I've been learning from my pseudo dating coach, my Goddess coach, or my Toronto God-send--what shall I call her?!?!, this quote applies to me. Especially to the barrier that I built somewhere in my history to protect myself. A barrier that I'm currently trying to recognize each time it creeps up and work on moving away from. In January I'll attend a seminar/conference that will help me even more with that. Until then, I thought it appropriate to share. And felt I should give a bit of an update on where I am in my singleness. I'm on the yellow brick road to Oz--things are looking up so much!

THIS!

I saw this article tonight:

Here Is Why Paying For The Date Is Not About The Money

It's so true! It is not about the money. I actually don't like money being spent on me. It makes me feel awkward, uncomfortable, and undeserving. Yet I've been taught to accept graciously. So I do. But I can have just as much fun and enjoyment by a inexpensive or free date, and definitely feel just as feminine and desirable because a man has chosen to spend time with me.

I do want to point out that though not about the money, one element is not as true for me. I don't spend that much money to prep for a date. I will certainly dress up, and put in some effort. But I am not one that goes to get my nails done, or hair done ever. And new clothes get bought every few years. So again, not as much money spent right before a date.

I point this out, though, because a lot does get spent by me in order to reach a first date. I have to put in a lot of money in the dating game. I like to go to dances. I have fun at those dances, mostly, however, I'd really like to meet some men at these dances, too! I go to dinner groups, dance lessons, ward parties, Family Home Evening activities, Institute classes, hot springs outings, movie outings, festivals, vacation adventures elsewhere, and so much more. Guess what? Each one of those things costs me money to go! Some of those quite a bit of money!

I go to them because I want to have fun. I go because I like to see and make friends there. Yet a huge reason I go is to meet men. I am an INFJ, and a hermit by nature. I love to stay at home, curled up reading or watching a movie, playing a game with friends, or making and eating food at one of my hosted parties. I prefer smaller, intimate settings. And most of those activities are basically free. So not only am I shelling out a bunch of money to participate in these other activities, but I'm also spending large amounts of emotional, mental, and physical energy. Energy that takes time to renew--time that should be spent continuing to go out to meet new people, otherwise I feel I'm being lazy, or wasting time and opportunities.

For a girl who has to put out so much just to meet men, it means so much to have a man ask me out and want to spend some time with me. I have appreciated each date, no matter how awkward, boring, exciting, misleading, silly, fun, ideal, "perfect," or painful. Each one has given me experience. I have learned much about myself. I have had a chance to be away from the huge crowds and be in the more preferred smaller settings. I've been able to have conversations. I love that I get dates now (as opposed to no dates for 3 years straight). I would like to have more. One day, I would hope that the dates progress to a more steady, serious, committed relationship. But I don't want to rush it. I just want that to happen when it's right. Until then, please men of good character and standing and intentions--please keep asking me (and other women!) out.

Oh. My. Word.

That moment when you realize the guy you met online a couple of days ago and have been chatting with is actually a guy who asked you on a date 4 years ago, to which you said yes, and then he never followed through.

.......


.............


........................

And no, I'm not giving him a second chance for that date. I already know it would not be an enjoyable experience and we are most certainly not compatible. I have witnesses who can confirm.


This just reinforces the post I wrote not even 2 hours ago.

Losing Hope

Then there are the times, much more frequent over the last few months than ever before, when I am completely done with the whole dating thing. I've managed so far to live just fine on my own. While I know I need and want a man at my side, these are the times when the idea of all the work involved to merge our two lives together seems like such a hassle. Especially considering how much of a hassle the dating part right now is. I lose hope that any man I am attracted to (in all the ways) will be attracted to me. That no man will want me at his side as he seeks for and then pursues his Quest. Checking out from the game seems the most appealing option. Much less stress, much less roller coaster of emotions. But checking out has caused so much singleness in my life already. And it isn't putting my faith in God and His timing, nor giving my all in effort to prove myself worthy of such a great gift and blessing as my best friend.

But where is--or what is--the fine line of "Stop thinking about it and it will just happen" and "I'm done with this?"

Overheard Today

"I'm not single. I'm romantically challenged." - from "A Christmas Wish"

Dumb Me--I'm Doing It All Again!

Yesterday I did something stupid. Here I've spent months trying to "Close the Back Door," and then I just opened it wide and shouted out "Hello there!!!" I have immediately been trying to close it again. And while it was really stupid of me, it certainly was glorious. Fun, enjoyable, memorable. I laughed so much. I made him laugh! (That surprised me.) There was always easy, ready conversation. He could dance--which made the fun twice what it could have been. And it was so easy and natural to just be relaxed and be myself!

The problem with opening that door and then closing it reminds me of exactly what I've been looking for in a relationship--and seeing that it actually exists somewhere. But there have been so few in my life where I have felt this way. And I have to grasp so tightly to the faint, usually fleeting hope that I can find this yet again with some other man--but one who will feel the same way in return. That is a very, very difficult hope to hold on to. Which is why Closing the back door hurts. But I'm only hurting myself more if I don't. The last 5 months have already proved that.

Lean On..._______?

Being single, I have had to find my own independence. While that has made me strong and able to live not just on my own, but live well on my own, that doesn't mean it is what I want or need. Because guess what? I need a man. I need my husband, or my castle as my Wife class has made analogy to. Many may say it is unfeminine and/or demeaning my own gender to say so, but I heartily disagree.


Why? Because I was not meant to do all of this on my own. I was meant to have an equal partner--a man to help support me and me to support him.

For us to work together in making our dreams come true and to have someone to rely and lean on when times are rough for one or both of us.

And though I'm doing a fairly decent job of living on my own and making it on my own, I inevitably reach times like right now. When I'm ready to fall over because I cannot take any more. I'm exhausted from bearing it all alone. And I have no one to lean on. No one to help me carry that load. No one to hold me while I cry and try to find my strength again. It is not the only reason I would like my husband, my castle with me now, but oh my it sure stands out to me when I reach these moments.


Where is the man who will let me put my head on his shoulder because it is too heavy to remember all it needs to do.

To hold me up because my back cannot bear the burdens any more.

To wipe away the tears.

To let me know in his every action that all will one day be well again--and that I can make it through anything because he is at my side.

And where is the man who will give me my greatest desire and purpose in this life--to do and be all of those things for him when he needs it?

Times like now can be rough. So instead I'll try to make myself feel better by watching fictional couples live what I long for. :-) And by relying on my Savior. Though He cannot help me as my husband one day will, He will continue to give me emotional and spiritual peace and reassurance and I'll continue on continuing on as I have all the other times.

*This post brought to you by my love of period dramas, British shows, and admiration of fictional couples.

If he can see it, why can't other guys?

A couple weeks ago I heard something that me laugh and blush at the same time. It was from my work-ish-related project mentor. He is a very successful leader in my work field, becoming pretty well-known nationally. We are opposites in so many ways (LDS vs not, non-smoker vs. not, meat-lover vs. vegan; straight vs. gay), and yet have found plenty in common to be friends. I've really enjoyed making his friendship over the last year. He makes me laugh and gives me interesting and informative perspectives on so many things in my library world.

He said this the other day: "I can say this because I'm not your co-worker, and because I'm gay--I think you're quite a catch."

And I was extremely flattered. 

He has made it his mission to find someone for me. Because he, too, can see the crime in singleness.

My Current, Huge Dilemma

This past week I had my 3rd week-long training (in the span of 9 months) which also "concluded" the project my team was working on. This entire program is called ILEAD (Innovative Librarians Explore Apply & Discover), which originated out of Illinois. I was lucky to be able to participate in Utah's 2nd year. I have gained so much from these 9 months' experiences. I was rejuvenated, inspired, and all kinds of wonderful concerning my particular job but also my overall career as a librarian.

For a couple of years, I have felt myself being encouraged and nudged by many superiors and mentors to consider moving up the ladder in my career. Administration was never appealing to me. My supervisor suggested twice that I take the Supervisors' course and I explained that I was perfectly happy where I was. And I am! I love my collection development responsibilities. I love working the desk. And I most especially love my work in programs and with the youth. It is the best part of my job, doing storytimes and Teen Hours and Doctor Who & Star Wars parties, and more.

But the carrot of moving up has been dangling closer and closer in front of me in the last 2 years, and all around me trying to tell me how amazing that carrot is. In the dating world, I have loved my carrot analogy. That carrot has been a lifeline. But in my job? I don't know. After doing this ILEAD program, I can see more positives about being a library branch manager. I can see in myself the skills and attributes that would be perfect to take on such a responsibility. I've even glimpsed how I could actually enjoy it, excel at it, and make a difference.

Yet there is one very huge thing that holds me back. Something that makes that carrot the most unappealing thing to me.

I want to be a wife and mother.

And by that, I mean I want to be a stay-at-home mother. I want to be a homemaker. Not just a one-day off homemaker. I want to keep my house clean, organized, and full of fun, laughter, and the Spirit. I want to be there for my children when they come home from school. I want to be at home when they are young to teach them so many things in those crucial early years. I want to be the mom who takes them to storytime. I want to be home when my husband returns from work, and make every effort to be there for him as he needs it. I know what a full day of work can do to a person. I know how tiring it is. The need to unwind. I don't want us to deal with that at the same time as trying to take care of the kids. I want to fully be his support when he returns. I want to hear about his day if he wants or needs to share it. I want to have dinner waiting for him so he can sit and relax and begin to unwind. I know that all seems rosy-colored and there would be days of him coming home when I was already at the end of my rope because of the kids. But you know what? I see that in all of my married, stay-at-home mother friends. And I still want it.

I love the challenge of my job. I love that there is always something new and different to deal with. But I have forever wanted the challenge and joy of being my husband's wife, and being my children's mother.

So, why go up the ladder when I know that at some point I will very willingly jump off of it?

True, I cannot base my decisions on "If/When I get married." If I'd done that, I would have no Master's degree and would be struggling in lower end jobs rather than be in the 2nd-choice career that brings me so much happiness. And who knows how long I will continue on the single road? I would hope more than anything that it isn't long. But I cannot guarantee. I cannot know. And I cannot hold back my life on the hope. That's not how life works. We go on with it and when a change comes along, that's when we deal with it.

It worries me that I will go through with the decision to climb. That we--because it wouldn't be just me involved--such a decision would affect an entire library branch as well as admin staff and my current counterparts at other branches AND all the patrons I serve--would go through so much trouble, effort, etc. to get me to that position, only for me to leave it as soon as the first baby was born.

I have considered over the last years keeping my toe in the water by being a sub librarian when I am a mother, because it would keep me up with all the changes in the library world, and still give me a taste of something that has given me joy and fulfillment for the last 16 years. My Wife 4 Life Dazzle, if you will. And then should I ever need to return to work because of unforeseen circumstances, I'd still be in the game and be ready to go back easily.

But staying with the job full time? No. I want to be at home with my babies. With my husband when he is not working.

Do I really want to go through all that moving up, just to give it up?

Yet do I let my 2 greatest dreams that have no timeline or prospects control my life now?

There is living in hope, but there is also not sure how to live because of that hope.

Answered Prayers

Heavenly Father is the best. Always. He wanted me to make my (recent) decision, but He didn't want me to feel guilty or telling myself how awful I am. I was able to attend a free seminar this early evening from a Dating coach/matchmaker/whatever her title from Toronto who spoke on The 3 Mistakes Women Make in Dating. It all came together within the last week, and I first heard of it just a few days ago while I was in the middle of figuring out my own current situation. I felt prompted to do it, in spite of other plans that had been forming for the day.

So I registered. And I went. And it was absolutely everything I've been needing to hear I couldn't believe that every single word she spoke was applicable and eye-opening. And I spoke with her 1-on-1 because of one last bit of confusion that I still had on my part. I was able to leave with complete peace about the decision I made a couple of days ago. No guilt. No feeling like I'm an awful person. Complete understanding and acceptance. And a reassurance that I needed to take care of that tonight and not wait until the next time he asked me on a date.

I feel just as the Lord would want me to--at peace, happy, and ready to keep going. To close the back door and get off the sidelines. I love how well He knows me and puts just what I need in my path right when I need it.

A Stupor of Thought--and Feelings and More

I've had a rough week. It is ending with me 90% making a decision about dating a guy, which brings peace yet guilt. In the 3 months we've known each other, we've managed 3 dates. Of course, those dates actually took place within 3 weeks of each other, since the first half of our knowing each other was too busy for either of us to go on a date. A fourth could have taken place, but busy schedules still conflict. And now for me, there is something else to consider. I've been trying this whole time to just relax, practice, and not worry or overanalyze or get too excited. Yet it has come to my notice that during this whole 3 months, I've never been excited. I was excited to finally get a 3rd date after so many years, but it wasn't because of the guy I was going with. And I felt that even though I shouldn't be over-analyzing, I should probably at least make an analysis of some kind. My dating coach says you usually can tell within the 1st 6 dates. Reaching a 4th date and finding myself unexcited, slightly bored, and feeling no connection should be saying something, right?

Yet therein lies the guilt. "On paper," this guy is exactly what I'm looking for. He's active in the Church because he wants to be. He is a temple worker, he does a lot of service, he fulfills his calling, he's served a mission, he's a gentleman, he is musical (in talent and in interests). I've learned a lot of the basics about him, which I can infer some of the deeper stuff from. But we haven't touched much on the deep stuff. Our 3 dates have been to things that don't allow much talking at. (That has always irked me ever since Mr. Freshman Year when 8 of our 9 dates were to things like that.) We would get a little to and from the activity, but not much until the last date when we finally had a (according to this introvert) real conversation. After that date, it was the only time I felt any excitement or interest. Which lasted a couple of days.

Because in between dates? Our conversation--all through text, another extremely irksome thing to me but I went with it because of our crazy, busy schedules--was paltry at most. There was absolutely no depth. It started to get predictable--I could guess what day and time he was going to send a text, and exactly what he was going to ask. And the questions were always extremely basic, not inviting much depth. And when I returned questions to get depth from him, I got a few word answers instead. I blame part of the lack of a connection for me on these trivial conversations that felt more of a "by the way I'm still here, are you?" I realized each time I actually saw him in person, it felt like a first date all over again because it was dying in between.

I wasn't really sure what he was wanting or why/how/if he was interested and to what degree except that it was a date to pass the time and there were no other options to be had right now. I honestly don't know. And if I'm being fully honest, I might as well also say that until the one tiny spark at the end of the 3rd date that quickly died out, there wasn't much interest on my part. All of these things that I was learning should have made me excited, right? Should have had me excited that I was finding things I've been looking for and been trying to be, right? Yet it wasn't there. And my dating coach has been teaching me to match the man's efforts, because in the past I've done it all wrong and just gone for it, tried to kindle flames from sparks, tried to encourage things. In essence, taking full control of the relationship and investing so much while the man was investing little to nothing. I didn't want to make that mistake. So I was waiting to see his interest and investment. Too much space and mostly silence with an occasional "how's it going" wasn't much to make me feel a lot of interest in me or investment.

So here I've been all week with every conflicting emotion, thought, and years of lessons racing at me (whether from my dating coach, all my failed previous attempts, dating blogs, LDS apostles' counsel, and examples I've seen in so many friends and family). Some of these have included
*Don't put too much thought into it.
*Just let things be.
*Relax. Open yourself up to options.
*'Sparks' can come with time.
*Physical attraction can come with time.
*It's only been a few dates, it takes time.

I have let all of these things guide me during the last 3 months. And yet it all boils down to the fact that I really couldn't care if I never saw this guy again. I'm not excited about him, I'm not excited about getting to know him, and I really have no interest in spending more time with him or getting to know more about him. Which leads me to believe that I am a terrible, horrible, awful person. I can't nail down any specific reasons except two would never "hold up in court."
1) I feel no connection with him
2) I believe the Spirit is OKing it

I hear the voices telling me I haven't given it enough time and effort to feel a connection. But I feel to disagree. In fact, I think I've been trying to force a connection because on paper everything looks right. It should be something I want and feel excited about, so I must make a connection somehow. But that hasn't worked. And it has actually led to at some points feeling like I would throw up, and complete emotional upheaval or unsettling. The last time I felt so unsettled was when I was trying to make my first mission decision in 2003. I kept making some decision that involved me going on a mission. As soon as I made the decision, I would start to get all upset inside. Couldn't concentrate on anything (mission related or not). I felt confused and upset and frustrated. After 4 or 5 different decisions, I finally made one that did not involve a mission in the near future. There was immediate peace and calm. I learned a great lesson of what "a stupor of thought" means. And it is exactly what I've been going through the last week, even more than that. I have been trying to figure out every way I could try to give him a chance, a better chance, a more informed chance by letting him know about the paltry texts killing any possible connection. But, even if that were fixed, that doesn't mean that suddenly a connection would take place. A connection might not be there because there is absolutely no chemistry between us. I compare him with previous men I've dated and there are stark differences in feelings and reactions and emotions.

And I've been praying for a good solid week on everything in relation to this. I finally got an answer a couple of days ago that, like Elder McConkie's Agency or Inspiration talk, it was completely my decision. What did I want? Make my choice and go to the Lord with it. So when I finally told him yesterday morning that I really did not want anything to do with this guy, that peace and calm came with it. And just like with the mission decision, there was guilt accompanying it. Because with that decision, I knew many in the LDS world would judge me. But even worse, I knew my family would be disappointed and questioning. I spent years having to deal with my mother's disapproval and lack of understanding when I wished that she could trust my personal revelation. But in spite of what the world thought, I had to go with what had been revealed to me upon my decision.

It is the same now. My two friends that I've kept in the loop on this look at me like I'm crazy. They support what I choose, but neither can see why I'm throwing away a perfectly good match. And if I were to listen to them as well as all those previous experiences/lessons voices, I would give in and stick with it. But I ignored the Spirit on a matter of dating once before, with Mr. Freshman Year. I spent a year of very difficult emotions trying to move past him and our very rocky break up because I did not listen at the beginning. I have to trust in my peace that I'm feeling, however guilty I feel with it because I have no "logical" answer if someone were to ask "why?"

And yet in spite of knowing what my choice is, and feeling at peace with it, I still think I'm an awful person. That there is something still wrong with me. That I'm not applying Alma 32 somehow.

Trusting in one's own faith, one's own decisions, and one's personal revelation is a lot harder than we usually think about.

My Material Prized Possession

I had the most perfect ringlets in my hair today--all completely natural! It's so nice when a girl can look cute for the Sabbath, for General Conference, and for her date. :-)

Also, I just took my hair down (since part of it was swept up in a twisty updo)--and I have the perfect Agent Carter hairdo. It's a sign--I should do that costume again.

I CAN count to 3!!

A third date today.

I haven't been on one of those in 15 years.

Not sure if I should celebrate or cry. Or both.

But the reality? I'm laughing.

Seems to be the better and easier option.

33 Reflections of (Possibly) Why I'm 33 and Single

I felt "my list" deserved its own entry. This list's creation is an inspiration from Liz and an opportunity of self-reflection and reminiscing for me. Please remember the linked to entry lest you think I'm a whiner or making excuses or truthfully harsh.

33. I had one date in high school. My senior prom. My date already had a girlfriend. He was kind and wanted to make sure I got to go to my prom (though I'd already planned to go as a single with a group of friends and their dates). It was a very sweet gesture, and the date was fine. Though awkward.

32. One date in high school didn't give me a lot of chances for practicing in that area of life, but it wasn't a surprise or disappointment to me that I wasn't asked, as our family moved just a few weeks before my 16th birthday. All the guy friends I knew who could have asked me out were now 8 hours away. I was in a very new place with even fewer LDS people than where I'd lived previously. My standards stood out and the boys there respected them, which meant they would not ask me out either.

31. In my dating-eligible years of high school, one of the guys I liked immediately left on his mission and was gone the whole two years I was there. The other guys I liked were all younger--some of them not eligible to date until after I'd left for college. Yep, even then my attraction to younger men was defeating my purposes.

30. Yes, I have often been attracted to younger men. Usually it has been within 3 or 4 years, but recently more have been 5 years younger, and a very few have been 7 and even 10 years younger. Yes, I'm a cougar--I'm a BYU alumni and that is our mascot. No, I'm not a cougar by the term that has come into society. Why must people insult me when I'm attracted to men who have a love for life, ambition, focus, direction, and fun when many of the men my age are just bumps on a log making no efforts with life or with dating. It is small wonder that the younger men who haven't become jaded are more attractive. Yet those younger men must look at me as some washed-up old maid who has been passed over by men for some reason or another--because that is exactly what it feels like.

29. Unfortunately I have a fine line between what is too fast in a relationship, and what is too slow. I have learned that is a part of my introverted nature, but I'm not really sure how to explain that in the early phases of dating without convincing the guy even more of my off-the-wall idiosyncrasies.

28. I had a fake fiance once. We'll just leave that one there.

27. Pretty sure my love language is touch. Yet I'm very conservative and reserved when it comes to that part of the relationship, preferring to keep it from entering a relationship until much farther down the line. That has been a blessing and a hinderance in every case over the years. (Yet in spite of some recent dating advice, I'm still going to hold to my guns on that, because I very much believe this.)

26. I'm pretty strict in my budget and finances for most things, and life was really tight for a few years. Which means I use money for necessities and new clothes aren't always a necessity. Unfortunately that means frump and feeling blah can happen a lot in the (outdated--meaning 7+ years) clothing area.

25. I have a lot of physical issues that make me self-conscious and have me thinking others see it, too. It could be affecting my physical attraction level to men. I don't know. But it definitely affects my self-esteem.

24. I once had a date that only occurred because we were proving a point to each other. The irony is that I'd had a huge crush on the guy and went through an embarrassingly and (for me) elaborate asking him to Preference only to wait 5 days and then be rejected because he's just started dating another girl. You'd think finally going on a date would have fed the crush. But the crush was 18 months previous, and his rejection had thoroughly crushed the crush.

23. I had (have?) a bad habit of telling guys who I'm pretty sure aren't interested in me that I'm interested in them and just want to hear for sure how they feel so I can remove all trace of hope. I've learned from my dating coach this isn't recommended....

22. This previously listed bad habit has now morphed to asking guys whom I'm pretty sure aren't interested in me out on dates so I don't ruin my chances with the ones who might actually be interested. I'm thinking this might still not be wise....

21. I come across as settled, or too adult. <As an infamous eye roller, you need to insert an eye roll here>

20. Mr. Best Friend was 5 years of my life. 5 years during my eligible dating years. That's almost 1/3 of those years.

19. In my 17 years of eligible dating years, I spent 3 of them living where there were only about 5 worthy and worthwhile (meaning they had jobs, and they happily lived the Gospel wholeheartedly) men to date in my branch/immediate area, and 4 years where there were 0 eligible men in the immediate area (and about 50 in the entire state).

18. Generally, I either don't inspire 2nd dates with guys I would like to have those with, but do inspire them with guys that a first was enough for me.

17. I have a Dating Coach now. The last 2 years I've spent learning all of the things I've been doing wrong the previous 15 years. I concur with her motto: "It's not you, it's your technique."

16. I had a reverse adolescence. Everyone went through an "eek" phase as a teen and grew out of it by the time they were a young adult. My teen years were rather "meh" and then suddenly as a young adult, I started to go through "eek." I didn't figure out hair, make-up, clothes until I finished graduate school. I had just turned 25.

15. I had a second date with a guy that was a complete misunderstanding, but I didn't have the heart to clear up the mistake.

14. I had a man who was very much interested in dating me, until he found out that some times I donate my hair. He told me that just showed where my priorities in marriage were. :-O

13. There was one guy during my high school dating years, close to my age, whom I was really interested in. I thought he was interested in me. We got along so well, and I soon learned that the ward thought we were dating! I figured out his feelings when I learned at a ward dance that he wasn't coming--because he'd asked some other girl to his school dance.

12. After a discussion and agreement with a man that I'd been on one date with that we were not exclusive, he continued to contact me every day, and follow me around like a puppy (no exaggeration--every where I went!!) at 2 church activities. When he confronted me about not seeming to enjoy this behavior, I reminded him that we'd agreed we were not going to be exclusive, that I needed some space, as my personality type tends to need. He chose not to reply, but his responding action was to completely avoid and ignore me while obviously pursuing another woman in front of all our mutual friends. I guess his definition of space meant "we're done."

11. I once hit it off very well with a guy who had just come home from his mission. I thought he was interested in me. As fast as we started to hit it off, he completely dropped all contact with me when he left to be a salesperson in another city. I learned later from his sister that he was interested, but (not knowing the full story) thought that Mr. Best Friend and I would make a much better couple. So he dropped his pursuit of me and told Mr. Best Friend to date me, which, obviously, never happened.

10. I am a desirable target for Ghosting.

9. I am a desirable choice for "We're just friends, but I need someone to go on a date with me so you'll have to do" dates.

8. My self-definition is that I am a sentimental, melodramatic, stubborn, hopeless romantic. That reason could stand alone and condemn me.

7. I never have a clue what I'm doing, and pretty sure that everything I do is not the right thing. Too much, not enough? Right time, wrong time? It's all a game--and I hate playing it! #WelcomeToDating

8. I let myself get too attached too easily to men I barely knew, who (now I can see) obviously had no interest whatsoever in me.

7. I get too excited too soon about possibilities and What Could Be's when I need to just relax and have fun. (This would be one of the biggest lessons I'm trying to learn from my Dating Coach.)

6. I have always been attracted to the kind of men who would never pay me a second thought. I'm doing my utmost to go more with the Top Ten Categories that my Dating Coach has counseled me to do. Two years is still a little too early to tell, and unfortunately the attractions for the Out of My Reach still occur.

5. I have a "terrible" introvert/hermit nature that would much rather stay home than put myself out there among strangers. There were definite times during my dating years when I just checked out of society. And those times lasted much longer than they should, hence my fierce determination to stay in it right now, even though I'm exhausted!

4. There was a guy I met at a party a few years ago. It was instant interest on my side. I met and began liking him before my other friends, but as they met him, they began to like him, too. One dropped out of the running, but the other, my roommate, was still interested. She was doing nothing to advance that, while I was. I even asked the man on a date. After a nice date, he walked me to my door. I could have let him say goodnight, and that probably would have been the end of everything. On reflection, I still wish I'd left it. But I knew my roommate was interested, so I invited him in for ice cream so she could have a chance to talk with him and get to know him as well. He was visiting with us for another 3 hours, which led to a year of "aaaaaaah!!!" for the both of us. I suppose if I'd left it, it all would have worked itself into some other part of our life. Still, why am I kind like that?

3. I had a Skype date with a guy who refuted every opinion I had on mutual books we'd read. I knew there would NEVER be a chance for us when he told me that Mr. Collins was the real hero of Pride & Prejudice.

2. I'm told I'm intimidating, where ever that comes from. I direct you here for my defense (warning: some foul language contained).

1. It's a part of God's plan which I learn a little more of each day and which I put my faith and trust in.

Last words (for now): There's so much more I could say. Some of this is facetious. Some of it is speculation. Some of it is truth. Some of it is, who knows. 17 years of dating (or not dating) brings a lot of experiences, thoughts, and lessons to learn. I think the most important thing is that at my current situation, right now, I'm happy. I love my life. I love what I have learned. I love what I have ahead of me. I recently learned something in my marriage class that definitely applies to dating: Be ready for Failure, Frustration, and Forgiveness. It will always be there. These reflections show that the 3 F's have flowed throughout my dating experiences--both on my side and on all the men's sides. I only have more room to grow, and I will stay at that.

Elder Hales' Counsel - in cutesy pics

Elder Hales' talk in today's LDS General Conference was perfect for those of us in the single world. I loved his counsel. So I created some quote pics of some of the fabulous things he said. Definitely a talk worth reading many times. I added a few of my thoughts prefacing each quote.

 Always keep in mind.

It's a necessity. Live with it.

 What I am to focus on now.

For the Peter Pans, and the Polly Pans, too. I was very grateful that this was said, since my sorrow over the last few months boils down to the fact that Mr. April is a Peter Pan. This quote won't change my situation, but I'm relieved that I'm not the only one who has noticed this happening everywhere! And for my own lesson in it, now that, in my 30s, I'm finally getting dates, I need to make sure I don't just spend my time having fun or simply practicing. I need to date with the intention to move things along and not dragging my feet.

Extremely wise, especially considering all the divorcees I'm encountering whom I've heard say that they realized later that they didn't know the person very well.

Not for movies! Which reminds me of a fabulous CES Fireside that Elder Scott gave a few years ago. Don't go on dates where you can't talk! Frustrates me. Especially as I really learned that with Mr. First (aka my first boyfriend, the man I dated my Freshman year at BYU). We had 9 dates. 7 of those involved sitting through a movie/musical function which we could not speak to each other. We were lucky that we worked together and had time there to talk to each other. But those dates, ug. All I wanted to do was talk to him and we couldn't.

 (Note that she is a he in my case.)

Patience. Wait. Single to God. I can do this.

Amen

I came across this blog post yesterday, and it inspired me! In many ways. It also made me laugh, sympathize, empathize, and got me thinking. I want to create my own list. It will be part humorous, but all truthful. A good self-reflection, since I like to do that around my birthday. But I also loved what she had to say after her list. I quote a huge chunk of that, because she nailed it. It is exactly how I feel. So why put into words what she said perfectly? (I also highlighted the paragraph that currently resonates with me considering what I've recently been through, but everyone of these paragraphs has been a lesson learned/realized--often repeatedly--at some point or another.)

Here are her words, which I want you to add my testimony/belief/statement/agreement to:

Well, let's start off with the fact that I do want to get married. But I have struggled long and hard to realize that my singledom is actually my own choice. I am not a victim of circumstance nor am I even a pawn in some great malicious game God is playing. I have always had and still have my ability to choose. But I just haven't found someone who I would want to be married to and who would also want to be married to me.

Have I met guys before that I think I was compatible with? Yes. Did they think they were compatible with me? No. Has the reverse happened? Most definitely. But, I would be unhappy being married to someone I was unhappy with. And he would be unhappy with me in the reverse. So I'm grateful that I haven't just married to get rid of my single status. I'm looking to marry someone to build a relationship, life, and a family with. And that sometimes takes a little longer. And, no, I'm not looking for perfection, which is the next thing you were going to ask me. How could I honestly expect perfection when I'm a fruitcake myself?

And to those who think otherwise, being single is not a curse. I have an excellent career, wonderful callings in the Church, family and friends who surround me, plenty of opportunities to serve others, and in general, I lead a pretty good existence. Yes, I struggle with massive issues of perfectionism. Still. Every day. And you know what? I bet I would struggle with that being married as well. Do I sometimes feel lonely? Sure. So do married people. Marriage is not a "fix" for most problems and could even intensify them. I'm still in favor of it because there's the potential for greater joy as well. And because the family is central to God's plan. And because I love me a good man. (And because...childrenzzz!)

Overall, I know that God knows where I am. He knows what I am doing. And our plans are in sync. It's tempting to ask, "Why?" And sometimes I do. But when I ask "why?" the real answer is not, "Well, it's because you turned that one guy down on a third date." It's more like, "Remember that sister in your ward who you helped when she was lonely? I needed you there for her" or "Remember how you were available to help your family when there was an emergency? I needed you there to help."

I know I could certainly help and serve being married with children, and boy howdy, I fully intend to do so. But since I am where I am, I have chosen to do what God would have me do and be where He would have me be right now. In this moment. I am astounded nearly every day that if I choose to instead ask, "Am I doing what you want me to do?" the answer is, "Yes!" (except for when I am a basket case and beat up on myself emotionally. Or maybe not when I fail again and again at holding my tongue. You know what, though? Maybe even in those moments because those moments humble me and turn me to God and others. And to professional counseling. Hahaha...).

Does God want me to have my own family? Of course. Does He know I want a family? Assuredly. So we've got that covered. What else do I need to worry about?

I'll tell you what I worry about--working to believe Christ and trust in God. I work to be a better person and develop Christlike attributes. I work to love others more and serve others freely. I work to eliminate pride and bitterness from my soul. I work to avoid judgment and get rid of grudges. 

I probably have a million "reasons" why I'm still single at 30. And maybe even some of them are legitimate enough that I need to change myself to be the kind of person that my future companion would want to marry. And if that's so, thank the heavens I've been given some extra time. And if it's just because God has other places for me to be, I'm so grateful for those other enriching and wonderful opportunities I've been given. And if, which I also suspect, God is just letting me figure it out, well, then, go ahead and try to set me up on a date. Just don't be surprised when I shake his hand, when he calls me too emotional, or when I blog about my frustrations with dating (side note: dating really IS the worst. No battle.). 

God knows me. And he knows what I need. And he also knows what some future husband of mine needs. If the crazy who will want to marry me someday is anything of what I imagine him to be, he's also out there on his knees somewhere, praying that He can do all that God wants him to do. And he's out there serving and getting answers to his "why's" as well.

-By Liz, http://lizstitt.blogspot.com/2015/09/30-reasons-why-im-still-single-at-age-30.html?utm_content=buffer1f612&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

Growing Up Includes Unexpected Twists and Heartache

One of the biggest adjustments I had to make 2 years ago when entering the LDS mid-single adult world, was how much I would be surrounded by divorce. I estimate that 80% of my prospects are divorced men. Not that the divorced part is a problem. I had figured out years before that how I felt with that factor, and I knew I was open to it depending on circumstances, situation, etc. What shocked me was how many were divorcees.

In fact, usually the first two get-to-know-you questions I mostly get (after "What's your name?") are

1.) How many kids do you have?

and

2) How long have you been divorced?

It is the majority, and I'm not in it. Especially considering my age. I am the baby in a group that I have no similar experiences with. But that's a post for another time.

This was just an intro to relate to some sad news I heard today. As I've been around more and more divorcees, I've had the tiniest glimpse into the rough world they navigate daily.

Ten years ago I was the 2nd Counselor in the Young Women's Presidency. I was over the Beehives. I adored my girls. It was one of the best callings I've ever had. I've been a proud Mama Bee, watching my girls grow up. One of them did not stay with the Church, but she is finding happiness in her life as a mom. One is doing her best staying with the Church, and working, and getting school done. Two of them returned in the last year from their missions--one of them looks as if she's dating someone now! They're both at my alma mater, BYU. And one of them was sealed in the temple while the other 2 were on missions. It made my heart happy to see their lives going on in their happiness.

But tonight I learned that my Beehive who was sealed in the temple is having to deal with her husband filing for divorce. She's only 24. It hurts my heart to think she is now going to have to endure what my divorcee friends have had to deal with. The only positive is that there are no children involved. Yet I am grateful to know she has a very strong support system, and always had a strong testimony of the Gospel. I pray she stays close to the Lord. That she becomes stronger from this ordeal. She is so beautiful and has grown up so much since I first was her teacher. If she can pull through stronger and better from this terrible turn of events, she will have so much more to offer someone more deserving.

This.

Once in a while we find hilarity in the single world.

(Follow the link. You have to or you just won't get it.)


Can I just tell you how attractive I find a sense of humor, especially one where the person doesn't take themselves (really, that should be themself even if it isn't considered a word) too seriously?

Why can't I find guys like this to go on a date with. We would have so much fun!!! At least, I know I would. I love to laugh. I'd hope I could be just as funny for him.

Anyway. To sum up my reaction--I laughed. A lot. Really enjoyed this take on Tinder (a site I don't bother to use; I prefer LDS Matchup). Really enjoyed his humor.

A Tally. Of Sorts.

7 Days

3 Dates

2 Guys

1 Name

Yeah. I found some humor amongst the forever shock that I've been asked out.

A Laugh That Keeps On Going

There's definite truth in this--and it makes me laugh hysterically.

When It Rains It Pours, Apparently

I'd kind of been on break from dating. For a couple of months anyhow. Meaning I wasn't actively seeking out dates, but I wasn't necessarily turning them down either. I figured my birthday month would be a good time to get back into things, because it would be nice to have a date the same month.  And I was asked on one! A man who waited patiently for 2 months until our schedules worked  out asked me for a date last week.

And tonight I ended up scheduling 2 more dates--and in the same week!

Three dates in 1 month. It's not only exceedingly rare for me, but rather surprising to me considering what an insanely busy time this is for me with all the extra work responsibilities!

Not complaining. Just voicing the amazement.

Some parts--OK, a lot of parts of dating as a mid-single are really frustrating. But I'd rather be having dates than not having any.

Your Choice

Read this article tonight. Nothing exactly new, but with dating, I'm perfectly fine with constant repeating. What stood out the most to me was the very end. I gleaned this in college when I read the referenced Bruce R. McConkie talk "Agency or Inspiration - Which?"

[Y]ou don't go to Heavenly Father and say ‘Should I marry this person?’ Because if you haven't decided, He won't.”

I have a testimony of this, as I was on the opposite end in the situation. Mr. Best Friend at one time reached a point when he started praying to know if he should marry me. Unbeknownst to me. We weren't dating. In all those years, we never exclusively dated. We went on about 5 or 6 dates total, as friends, usually for my birthday. (And one very random Valentine's Day.) It rather floored me when many months later I learned that he had done this. Some of the minor thoughts were

*Why would Heavenly Father say "yes" when we're not even dating. Yes, we may know each other better than most dating couples. But shouldn't we have an active interest in each other before we approach the idea of marriage?

*Why would you ask such a question without me as a part of it. Of course you wouldn't get a yes answer. That's borderline to the story of men who say they've received a revelation that they should marry such-and-such girl. Those kind of prayers work so much better in answers (whether in the affirmative or not) when the two of you are having the prayers. Not necessarily having the prayers together. But on your own both offering those prayers.

*How in the world would you ever expect Heavenly Father to tell you "yes, marry this girl" when my prayers were pleading "Help me get over him and get on with my life?" Contrary purposes. Wasn't going to happen.

But the major thought was knowing what Elder McConkie had said. You make the decision, and you go to the Lord with that decision. I tried to explain this, but it never really got through because by that point I was the spurned female who came off as bemoaning my rejection. And no, that wasn't the case. I was certainly frustrated and hurt. But I loved that man, and I didn't want him to keep making mistakes like that. (By the way, he figured it out, as he is happily married to a most wonderful woman.)

It's kind of annoying to still see this "Should I marry her/him" in so many relationships around me. Guess what? In this case, again, I know better! And I'm very, very grateful that I do! Because it isn't just about this is the best way to go about it. Or even the counseled way from Apostles and other Church leaders. It's because it is our choice. The Lord gave us agency for a reason. We choose our life, and then we choose to be happy with the choices we've made. A little confirmation or negation on decisions helps prevent us from making egregious mistakes that we do not have the foresight to see. But otherwise, our Eternal Parents want us to choose and live our lives for ourselves. They don't want to decide for us, or live it for us. So rejoice in your agency, and in your freedom and ability to choose. And go choose your spouse and your happiness for yourself!

I Know Better

So, I met a guy last April in which I felt not just an instant connection, but one so strong it completely bowled me over. I haven't felt a connection like that in over 5 years, and only once has there ever been one so instantly. It isn't like I haven't been meeting any guys over the last few years. So this really stood out to me. I tried to follow the guidelines my Dating Coach has given me. It wasn't easy--and I certainly couldn't get them to be "textbook." But I made my efforts and our paths crossed. Even with the strong connection I was feeling that just kept increasing every time I saw him, there was a lot of confusion. I felt like everything I did was a messed up form of what I should have been doing. But then he was responding. However, sometimes his responses and actions were encouraging, and others left me wondering "whaaaaat?"

I had to phone a friend. OK, I Facebook messaged. Same thing. He's a good friend from over the years who has been a nice support to me in various aspects of life. He's married, so don't go suggesting we look towards each other. His being married and having a little more know-how than me--especially being a male--is why I contacted him. I'd gotten so confused about Mr. April's actions that even though I felt this by then ginormous connection, I couldn't figure his actions out at all. I didn't want to be analyzing or over-analyzing, but I had absolutely no clue what to do or where to go from there. Unfortunately, Mr. Friend couldn't figure his actions either.

So I took a flying leap into the darkness of scariness and asked this guy out on a date. I think it was a second for us. Yeah, think. That's how confused I was. By basic definitions that first whatever falls in date category. But...was it? Anyway. I knew I needed some one-on-one time with this guy, and he actually said yes. And was very much a gentleman about it. And we went on the date. And I pretty much had the best date I've had in, well, over a year.

(The non-LDS guy was a great date, especially considering he took me to an amazing restaurant but I was trying to prevent any sickness from...occurring, and couldn't eat. He took it in stride. We talked so easily. There would have been a connection, except we both knew my desire for an eternal marriage, and he wouldn't get there one day, so why waste each other's time by pursuing further? Still, it was a nice date.)

At the end of the date, I followed through on my Coach's guidelines. Including day after. Though it all was skewed, since I'm the one who asked. And I wasn't quite sure what to do. Honestly, any time I did anything in relation to this guy I found myself in constant wonder if I was doing anything right (or attractive or encouraging and not scary and in-his-face). But I could not deny this connection. And there were times when I felt sure he felt some kind of connection, too. Then when he acted contrary to that, which is exactly what he did after this second-maybe-first date, I was left confused and a little heart-ached. Not broken. Been there. I'm no where near broken. Just took a strong punch to it and got a bit of bruising.

I've spent the summer thinking



And unfortunately, all the men I've been meeting or dates I've gone since have paled enormously in comparison. And I'm not even actively comparing. I'm trying to give each man his own fair chance. But it's hard not to remember how strong that connection with Mr. April was, and how these new guys don't come close. I took a bit of a dating break--and summer was busy with family obligations anyway--so that I could fix myself and get over this silliness.

Because I'm still being so silly! I still am thinking of Mr. April. Still wondering what happened. Still partially wishing for...I don't even know. But I know I'm not over him.

And I Know Better!

If anyone should know, it is me! My Dating Coach teaches all of these things that I resonate with completely because of my past experiences.

*I don't give the best of me to those who don't invest in me.

*The kind of man I'm looking for is looking for me and if I put forth my efforts and put my faith in God, we will meet each other and recognize each other for what the other has to offer and what we are looking for.

*He's not my only chance for happiness!

Not only that. I spent 4 1/2 years caught on my best friend who did not want to marry me. Not that I waited and hoped all those years. I tried to move on during the last 2 of them and ended up literally moving across the country to help with that. I KNOW BETTER! And Mr. April is no where near what Mr. Best Friend was to me. He's at the starting line of the marathon that Mr. Best Friend has run twice already. So I should know better than to be holding out my little string of hope.

Oh the agonizing and annoying truth of this


No, no. I don't love Mr. April. I don't know him well enough. But that darn hope. It kills! It twists a knife. And I--WHO KNOW BETTER--should be able to drop this foolish hope of whatever when I spent 4 1/2 years of my life in pain, agony, tears because of constant rejection as that cursed hope remained.

The only hope I should maintain is my hope in Christ, and my hope in my Father's plan for me. Hope that all will come round and come right in His timing. I do have that hope.

I just have to get rid of the other hope. And there are times when I feel I've succeeded. And then I slip a little back down the well and realize I only saw the top, I hadn't reached it, yet. So I'm working on it. Just frustrated with myself that I wasn't able to leap out of the well as quickly as I had leaped down into its darkness.

Still. Life goes on. Online dating still goes. A man asked for my number after he met me at work. Actually called and texted a couple of times. He's been silent for a couple of weeks, but I'm not assigning him to Ghosting just yet, because he did warn me he's often up in the mountains building a house. That, and I'm not really that interested in him. He's 20 years older. Which while that used to be in my age range, I've been coming down in numbers right now because I still want to try and have a family, and men over 50 are usually done with that. And if they're not, I still hesitate a bit, because I'd like the father of my children to have energy and vitality to be there for them as they grow up. It's a case by case basis. This guy I don't know well. Not even sure if he's LDS. But it was flattering to think someone would meet me and want my number.

And he isn't the only one. I have a date tomorrow night with a man I met in July who asked for my number the same day he met me. Extremely flattering. Even more so that he has been (the only one to!) accept and understand my busy schedule and wait until I was free to go on a date instead of giving up from impatience or automatically assuming my being busy with family and 5 extra responsibilities at work (some at state and national levels) was code that I was actually just not interested.

Two guys showing interest. It is a step. And it is more than Mr. April for the fact that they haven't given me anything confusing as yet.

That's the kind of hope worth having.

So many things to say that I wish I had time to write about. For now, here's a blog post my friend wrote. And this is the comment I posted. (It's in relation to his reaction and thus my very brief reaction to the recent Times article that I found fascinating but certainly don't blame all my dating woes on.)

As always, well said! Gotta put my two cents in. And then link to this article on my own "dating" blog. :-) For me the introvert, I have exhausted myself in the last 2 years putting myself completely out of my comfort zone every time. Dates have occurred. With my record of 0 before, I had an increase of about 2000%, though more than half of those I had to do the asking which is completely against my nature and for me, socially wrong. 

But I had set goals because I'd like to get out there to get to know people better, try to make them feel good, and to practice my own skills. I'm not going on first, second, or sometimes third dates because I want to marry the guy. I'm going because I want to have fun and if I start to feel more of a connection with the guy, great--let's see where it goes! I've had to set goals in relation to dating and the only way for me to meet the goals was to ask the guys since they weren't asking as much. I've been grateful for the experiences, but I would have preferred not having the awkwardness or the feeling that I'm not attractive to men that accompany it. 

But it is what it is, whether it is a "shortage of men" or me looking or behaving that I am unattractive and repelling possible dates. I'm a work in progress. Even if I'm in a burned out slump right now, I'm grateful for how much experience and growth I've had in the two years. You're a fun guy from an awesome family; and I think I'm that too (except I'm a girl!)--we're gonna get there. One day.

Ghosting in the Early Phases

Since I am coming out of a summer filled with disappointment and frustration, the first few posts of this blog might be a bit whiny, vent-y, etc. Granted, the disappointment was rather minor, considering previous life experiences. But it came during an extremely busy and thus stressful time. So it feels bigger than usual.

The frustration has steadily grown as my efforts in being social and my dating opportunities have increased. (Thank you, Dating Coach!) So while frustration is annoying, at the same time I am counting my blessings that I am having the opportunities that frustrate (as well as the few that don't!). I feel I have learned quite a lot over the last two years and I would rather have all the frustration among that growth and experience than to have none of it at all. (That's one of infinity traits that should help me a bit when marriage does come along!)

The current frustration is how much communication has died over the years. I am one who loves to talk and write (obviously). And I especially love to do so with people. I am quite attracted to men who can carry on intelligent conversation with me. That doesn't mean they have to have formal educations or prestigious jobs. But real conversation must be able to occur or I will get bored very easily. Unfortunately, I have to do much of my social finding online since the majority of the men I meet in person do nothing to further acquaintance. Online meeting can only do so much in communication before one needs to move it to at the least email, but better yet phone calls and hopefully soon to an actual in-person meeting (aka a date).

This is what my Dating Coach encourages. This is what I try. But I have had so many men--I'm usually good at keeping track, but there have been so many it hasn't been possible; I might guesstimate about 20--in the last few months ask for my number or my email. Half of them never use what I give. All contact ceases as soon as I give them what they asked for. Is this the Mormon equivalent of a one night stand? The other half initiate a text or email conversation, but after only 2 or 3 exchanges betwixt us, they stop. And let's not forget to mention those I'm easily conversing with on the dating sites and things seem to be flowing and showing interest and then suddenly they stop as well. Complete silence on all accounts. I have learned in the last few weeks that there is a term for this: ghosting. I just thought I'd be further along when that would happen. Pollyanna Positive Point (I like to do those a lot): At least the ghosting happens early on rather than later when I was more invested and thus more subject to being hurt.

I, being female, have analyzed and probably over-analyzed what in the world I'm doing wrong. I'm trying to be open and receptive as best I can in electronic mediums. I know I can only do so much, but I didn't think I was being stand offish or rude or whatever. It is painful to have progressed off of a dating site, thinking a man might be interested in meeting for a date, only to lose his interest in a few sentences/texts. It makes a girl seriously question her attractiveness if in person she isn't attracting anyone, and verbally/electronically she can't get anyone either.

The natural, frustrated me wants to blame them. And part of the blame has to lie with them, if only being that they didn't feel a connection. (Couldn't they have at least given me a chance?! Very likely a lot of future blog posts on that right there. Just to warn you.) But as I cannot change anything on their part, I am to look at my part. I know I'm not the most instantly attractive person. I have much to work on. But when I reach these frustrated times, and at times when my life is already rather busy, I'm just too tired and exhausted to self-analyze.

These are the times when I'm grateful for my beliefs. Because I know that all of this will pass. I know that my Heavenly Father and my Savior love me, and understand what I'm going through. I know if I keep praying and putting forth my efforts, I'll learn more about how I can be better and do better. And I'll get through and grow stronger from all this in due time and be more ready for future experiences, as well as more Christlike in general.

Another Blog, Another Outlet

I'm a writer. Not necessarily a good one. But it is vital to my being. The best way for me to figure things out, sort through what I'm feeling and thinking, and deal with all manner of everything has been through writing. It is a lifeline.

Thus if a single girl who loves to write needs an outlet related to that single part of her life, where else should she turn but...a blog!

Hence,

Welcome to my 11th Blog!

There will be moments of venting. Moments of laughing. Moments of sorrow. Moments of frustration. Moments of excitement Hopefully moments of joy. Throughout it all, there will be faith and hope in Heavenly Father--in His plan for me, in His love for me, and in His desire for my happiness.