Take a Hint

I was chatting with a guy last night. We set up a date for this Saturday. Today he sent a message asking what my plans were for tonight, tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday. That's kind of how he got around to asking me out last night. So I called, as he asked me to, to tell him my plans...again. He missed the call, but returned it immediately. And said the same thing he did last night: that he wanted to know if there was a time we could get together. I reminded him that we had a date on Saturday for lunch.

Him: "Oh yeah."

I blame it on the fact that he was high last night. Yeah. Because he proudly bragged that he had just smoked weed--"for therapeutic reasons!"--and asked if I smoked it, too. I told him that, as I was active and practicing LDS, that would be a no. (Maybe I should have gone with the colloquial Mormon; possible he read LSD in that....)

I told him while we were on the phone that I was heading to the temple. So he said goodbye so I could get back to what I was doing. Then sent me a picture of himself and his abs. Yeah.... I hadn't felt fabulous about accepting the date in the first place, or reaffirming it a second time. But now I really didn't feel good about it.

While in the temple, I knew I needed to break the date (weed or no weed!!). Over the last few years, I have been open to first or even second dates with men who are not LDS. Because a date is just a date, right? Well, I still agree with that. One date does not mean marriage. Neither does a second or third or....

But in the temple I looked around and was reminded again of my greatest desire. A big reason that I am still single is because I want to be sealed for eternity to my best friend in the temple. I am looking for a man who can do that, and I don't want to risk falling in love with someone who can't take me there. Because that would be too much pain to deal with. I am not that strong. So tonight I decided that if I want that desire, I need to date only men who can satisfy that desire. Most of the men in the last 3 years have been that way, but this new site has flooded me with men who could not (or do not want to) fulfill that desire. And I felt I needed to make a more concrete stand about who I was or wasn't going to date.

So, I left the temple and found a message waiting for me. This is what ensued.

Him: Did you get my picture? 

Me: I did. And I have to be honest: after being in the temple, I feel strongly that I am not the kind of girl who could bring you happiness. And vice versa. It is probably best if we don't go out on Saturday. 

Him: Okay. 
Him: May I send you another? 

Me: No. That won't change my mind. What you look like has nothing to do with the fact that I want to marry in the temple, and you cannot offer me that. Please don't contact me again. 

I am thrilled to say that he hasn't written since, but I was (and still am) worried that when he didn't get my no the first time, he wasn't going to get it the second. I'd call him Mr. Collins, if a former date didn't already have that nickname.

Since I love gifs, I thought I would post a some of my reactions.
*Learning he had forgotten about our date within 18 hours of setting it up.

*His bragging about smoking weed with his friend

*Receiving the unwanted picture.

*His request to send me another picture after I canceled our date.

What is One to Think

I've had a long day. And the brain is a little burned out from some work stuff. I need fluff. Straight fluff with friends and cheese and chocolate. (Which I did get tonight, so that was awesome.)

But I had been chatting with a guy on a dating site for a couple of days. It came up that we had different religions. He asked if I was only looking for Mormon guys. I admitted that while I am up for conversations and even a couple of dates with men of other faiths, in the long term I would like to find a man who will marry me in the temple. The guy acknowledged that would not be him. I told him it was nice chatting with him and thanked him for it. He returned that, but included 2 Nephi 31:21.

Which I looked up, because I don't have all scriptures memorizes. Sorry. My memory is unfortunately not that good. ;-)

It reads

And now, behold, my beloved brethren, this is the way; and there is none other way nor name given under heaven whereby man can be saved in the kingdom of God. And now, behold, this is the doctrine of Christ, and the only and true doctrine of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, which is one God, without end. Amen.

....I don't even know what to think about that. Am I suppose to? I mean, I know I'm a girl so we read in so many things when we shouldn't. But I can't help thinking like I should read in to this? If so, my fried brain cannot figure it out.

Oh well.

I've Had Worse, But Not Many

Actual things said/done on last night's last-minute date. (And no, the date was not with the guy from the previous post. Thank goodness.)

*An argument about communication. His stance: body language plays absolutely no part in what he is communicating to me. Upon my explaining that I have studied this aspect of communication, he told me I was wrong. He also accused me of making up this "fact" and trying to force it on everyone, because I had low self-esteem.

*He told me that people should be allowed to have their own opinions and views on things. Then a couple minutes later he got very defensive because I kept stating some of my opinions on a movie that differed from his. Then he frustratingly accused me of not letting him have his opinion, when all I was doing was acknowledging that my opinion was different.

*If I could just give you the images in my brain of how he looked as I told him about my job. (This is what led to the argument on his body language having nothing to do with his communication.)

*The few times he stated that he couldn't believe I would need a master's degree for my job. (In all honesty--this is not new. I get that ALL the time from people. Just not multiple times within an hour.)

*His attempts to argue with me that stability is not an important thing to me. Or that, it shouldn't be. That I should take more risks and be willing, like him, to just quit his job and go on and do his own thing. He refused to accept my take that I liked to know I have some financial stability to pay for food and a place to live. He said that wasn't important. If I wasn't able to take risks about that, I would never grow.

*He said that the only kind of books to ever read are print. No one should read electronic books.

*He told me I needed to lighten up when I was telling him that I like to read on my vacations.

*His facial expressions (though according to him I wasn't allowed to be reading his facial expressions) showed complete disbelief that I could possibly have anything going on that would make me so busy that I didn't have as much time to read.

*He thinks I have a terrible job if I have to read for it, even though he still didn't understand why I need to be familiar with books at my job.

Honestly, there was an hour's worth of stuff like this. I can't remember most of it because it was screaming red flags everywhere. I was trying to delete it as it came while trying to figure out how soon I could get out of there.

I left that date realizing I hadn't been on such a bad date in a very long time. So there is the Pollyanna Positive Point! I've had many dates in the last couple of years, and they have been SCADS better than last night. That, and I met my monthly goal for dates. Go me.

An LDS Single Girl in a Non-LDS Dating World

*Please note: This conversation, the site I used which is predominantly not an LDS site, or the guy I chatted with in no way represent all single men (LDS or not LDS.) I acknowledge that there are some great men out there, which is why I continue to have some good dating experiences, etc. This guy just wan't one of them.

An actual online conversation I had last night. 

Guy: Hey

Me: Hi

Guy: What's up

Me: Unwinding from the day and about to head to sleep actually

Guy: Awh, I'm in the mood :/

Guy sends pic of him at a bar

Me: Is that from tonight?

Guy posts pic of him after a workout

Guy: No weekend

Me: Ah. Must have been an interesting night! I should probably tell you if you didn't guess that I am LDS. I am all about making friends, and even dates, but I am also about as goody-goody as they come.

Guy: Are you a virgin

*Side note: I debated about just telling him it was none of his business, as it isn't. Even ending it there, which I see now was the best course of action. But then, I have nothing to hide. And I am proud and grateful I have stuck to my standards and convictions all these years. So I figured I would stand up for my beliefs and choice of lifestyle. Because I thought people need to know that some of us actually do stick to our standards. I suppose in reality, they don't really care and are just trying to get what they want in spite of what you say*

Me: Yes I am

Guy: Til your married

Me: Absolutely. Sorry if that ruins the fun, but it is a huge commitment for me, especially since my love language is physical touch. And it's something very special I want to share with only my best friend

Guy: Do you do anything?

Me: I do many things! Want to clarify that?

*Side note: Stupid me thought he was asking something like, "do you even kiss?" Stupid, stupid me.*

Guy: Like blowjobs?

Me: No. I don't do oral sex either.

Guy: Then...

Me: The chaste stuff like holding hands, kissing. If a relationship needs more than that before a marriage commitment, there ain't much to the relationship. Or any creativity and variety in expressing ones feelings

Guy: Not even like a hand job

Me: Nope. Sounds like I am not your type of girl

Guy: Dang
Guy: Intimacy is kind of important to me

Me: It is to me, too. Just within certain bounds

Guy: Do you even get yourself off

Me: I don't need to. My sexual desires are strong, but they don't rule me and I am not addicted to them

Guy: Do I get a sexy pic?

Me: I am starting to doubt you would find any of my pics sexy

Guy: Like no cleavage?

Me: Nope. Saving it for someone special who loves me for me and not just what I can physically offer him


*So now I just feel gross and dirty and like I want to scrub myself raw to be clean after glimpsing what the non-LDS dating world (and unfortunately how some LDS daters go about things) can be. Heard about it. Never wanted to experience it. Lesson learned - next time I won't even let it go beyond the first sexual joke. I'll just end it. It isn't worth either of our time.

Random Thoughts

These are random thoughts that have come to my mind today, all connected to dating and relationships.

* Tinder: Proof that if all I wanted was to get married instead of being sealed in the temple, I could have easily gotten that wish.

* Who knew that a failed relationship could be just the thing you need to come to grips with and support a questionable one?

* How did an FHE on my own at home end with meeting a guy for a date?

* I forgot that there could be dates which could be that bad.

Now Accepting Applications

Over the last week, I was able to see that I have forgiven both the man and woman who have caused me all the pain I was going through for a couple of weeks. I felt prompted yesterday that perhaps I should let this man know. So I went online today to tell him, and learned that the two of them just got engaged. Imagine that--the time it can take to forgive someone can also be the time it takes to get engaged!

I'm not totally sure how I'm feeling about it. Trying to do a feelings check, and I can't come up with specific emotions. But I do have one overall conclusion: I'm fine with it. And that's all I need to know.

I have managed to find the irony, however. Over my dating time as an adult, I have had what could either be a cursing or a blessing. It is certainly a hidden power. I have lost track of how many men I have dated (either 1 or 2 dates or actual dating relationships) who have found their spouses immediately after dating me.

I used to joke that men who were serious about finding a relationship should date me, because they would find her right after me. But I'm starting to think this might be a good idea. After all, I'd be doing a huge service to the singles community in getting relationships going and people out of the singles scene. And in the mean time, I would be getting dates and experiences and even friendships out of that. The men and I would have a good time and in the end they would find happiness. I like helping others find happiness. But I wouldn't be left in the lurch. Because "all these things shall give thee experience," and, as the Lord has promised me, my turn would come in the right time. And every one of my desires will not only be fulfilled, but I will be more ready to recognize, receive, and accept them because of all the experiences that I'd had.
Yes. I think it is a good idea.

Now accepting applications for active LDS men who are serious about finding a relationship and looking to have fun dates while getting to make/improve a friendship. High return on investment guaranteed, for both parties.

Come to think of it, I think this ad has been in place for quite a few years. We just forgot to print and announce it.

Spring is Coming--it's almost here!

I had forgotten how many emotions can be endured and lessons learned/reinforced in only a few days. Truly, the best part of all the failed relationships I've had over the years is how much I grow mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and intellectually. Mark a few more taller notches on my growth chart--this one is a huge growth spurt. In just 4 days, I have re-learned about forgiveness, answers to prayers, and the power of the Atonement while repeatedly and randomly cycling through all 5 stages of mourning and grief (denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). You'd think once one reaches acceptance they're done. But no. I have accepted it by the end of one day, and then wake up to a different stage.

I've gone through the same thing with my aunt's death last summer. I have accepted it. I am so grafetul for eternal families. Yet when I went to visit her grave a month ago I burst out in tears from missing her so much and still in disbelief that she is gone from us here on earth.

What was amazing is that I have been listening to my I Need to Cry playlist all this time, knowing I had tears that needed to come out for a more fuller healing of myself. I know me. That's how I work. Yesterday I felt on top of the world, because in the temple the previous night I was able to forgive him for what he did. But this morning? I woke up, and finally cried. Rather unexpected. By that point I guessed that there would be no tears. But I was wrong. And I feel there are still a few more that want out before I've cleansed the aching soul. Amazing that you can forgive someone, yet there is still residual pain. Probably because even though I hadn't given him my heart as I'd done in previous relationships, I gave him a part of myself that I had never given before. I compromised a bit on my side, yet there was still a lot of meaning and intention and even commitment in what I gave. He worried I would regret that. And I wouldn't have, save for how he chose to end it.

However, I'm not missing him. I'm missing the relationship we were building. I had a date last night with a man I've known for 10 years. It was comfortable. It was nice. But I could not help thinking throughout it how much it was lacking from what I'd just had. Not saying that it couldn't build in time with date guy, but I was just reminded how far and how deeply break-up guy and I had gotten to. How he qualmed so many of my social anxieties. How it was so easy and natural to be with him. How our conversations ran absolutely everywhere. I was missing that. That's what I thought of when I woke. That's what brought on tears.

But I have forgiven him. He may be a huge idiot (I really hope he doesn't get hurt by his decision). And he is rather self-centered, as the majority of our relationship focused on him and his thoughts and his opinions and his needs and his timeline and his desires. That's what I was hoping to address with him Monday night. But I didn't get a chance. There is relief to a point. I don't have to deal with those aspects now. But I had really wanted to. I had wanted to try and move past our second real barrier.

Instead I found myself facing, alone, his betrayal. For by Wednesday I figured out that is exactly what he did. He betrayed me with a kiss. (Well, several hundred kisses.) And I was so angry. But in the temple, I put things in perspective and could see that when Jesus was betrayed, it was a much deeper, more painful, more knowing and willing betrayal than what I endured. And I prayed for help to let go and forgive him. The Savior answered that prayer, and I felt amazing yesterday. I felt whole and my soul was lighter and freer.

Yet in the evening and then this morning, I could see that the last vestiges of the whole ordeal remain. I need to forgive her. I didn't realize I needed to until I noticed that anger kept returning, and it is because of her role in all this. I'm having an extremely difficult time with this--it may be the hardest part for me. But I really, really want to move on. And I don't want something as trivial as this to hold me back.

So currently I'm praying for help with that. And listening to either Josh Groban's "You are Loved" or "For Always" on repeat. I haven't reached "My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee" on repeat, which means I am doing very well, actually. That fact alone reminds me that I've endured much worse, as well as what an incredible future full of promised blessings I have in store for me!

I just came back from a walk on my lunch break. And I came up with an analogy to go with all this! I know. I love my analogies (as seen in spiritual life as well as previously in dating). We had snow last Monday--on THE day. We've been having snow here and there for the last 2 or 3 weeks. And it seemed like spring just couldn't make it through. Or maybe it would come but be very stunted. Today as I walked, I looked around and noticed that in spite of the snow and cold temperatures, spring is determined here in Utah. It is tenacious and fighting with such a will. There are blossoms on trees, and green buds forming. Daffodils and crocuses still blooming in spite of the chill and earlier snow. It is beautiful, and it brings hope.

And that is me in this frustrating, unpredictable, upsetting, disheartening wintery dating world. I am determined. I am tenacious and I will fight with a will until I succeed. I will not let setbacks keep me from reaching my potential. From continuing to grow. To be powerful. To be full of life. To be beautiful.

To. Be. Full. Of. Hope.

That's the name of this blog! I live in hope. I will continue to do so. I am determined and I will keep going. Like spring in Utah I will not let anything set me back from achieving my potential and what the Lord intends for me.