One of the biggest adjustments I had to make 2 years ago when entering the LDS mid-single adult world, was how much I would be surrounded by divorce. I estimate that 80% of my prospects are divorced men. Not that the divorced part is a problem. I had figured out years before that how I felt with that factor, and I knew I was open to it depending on circumstances, situation, etc. What shocked me was how many were divorcees.
In fact, usually the first two get-to-know-you questions I mostly get (after "What's your name?") are
1.) How many kids do you have?
and
2) How long have you been divorced?
It is the majority, and I'm not in it. Especially considering my age. I am the baby in a group that I have no similar experiences with. But that's a post for another time.
This was just an intro to relate to some sad news I heard today. As I've been around more and more divorcees, I've had the tiniest glimpse into the rough world they navigate daily.
Ten years ago I was the 2nd Counselor in the Young Women's Presidency. I was over the Beehives. I adored my girls. It was one of the best callings I've ever had. I've been a proud Mama Bee, watching my girls grow up. One of them did not stay with the Church, but she is finding happiness in her life as a mom. One is doing her best staying with the Church, and working, and getting school done. Two of them returned in the last year from their missions--one of them looks as if she's dating someone now! They're both at my alma mater, BYU. And one of them was sealed in the temple while the other 2 were on missions. It made my heart happy to see their lives going on in their happiness.
But tonight I learned that my Beehive who was sealed in the temple is having to deal with her husband filing for divorce. She's only 24. It hurts my heart to think she is now going to have to endure what my divorcee friends have had to deal with. The only positive is that there are no children involved. Yet I am grateful to know she has a very strong support system, and always had a strong testimony of the Gospel. I pray she stays close to the Lord. That she becomes stronger from this ordeal. She is so beautiful and has grown up so much since I first was her teacher. If she can pull through stronger and better from this terrible turn of events, she will have so much more to offer someone more deserving.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Thursday, September 17, 2015
This.
Once in a while we find hilarity in the single world.
(Follow the link. You have to or you just won't get it.)
Can I just tell you how attractive I find a sense of humor, especially one where the person doesn't take themselves (really, that should be themself even if it isn't considered a word) too seriously?
Why can't I find guys like this to go on a date with. We would have so much fun!!! At least, I know I would. I love to laugh. I'd hope I could be just as funny for him.
Anyway. To sum up my reaction--I laughed. A lot. Really enjoyed this take on Tinder (a site I don't bother to use; I prefer LDS Matchup). Really enjoyed his humor.
(Follow the link. You have to or you just won't get it.)
Can I just tell you how attractive I find a sense of humor, especially one where the person doesn't take themselves (really, that should be themself even if it isn't considered a word) too seriously?
Why can't I find guys like this to go on a date with. We would have so much fun!!! At least, I know I would. I love to laugh. I'd hope I could be just as funny for him.
Anyway. To sum up my reaction--I laughed. A lot. Really enjoyed this take on Tinder (a site I don't bother to use; I prefer LDS Matchup). Really enjoyed his humor.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
A Tally. Of Sorts.
7 Days
3 Dates
2 Guys
1 Name
Yeah. I found some humor amongst the forever shock that I've been asked out.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
When It Rains It Pours, Apparently
And tonight I ended up scheduling 2 more dates--and in the same week!
Three dates in 1 month. It's not only exceedingly rare for me, but rather surprising to me considering what an insanely busy time this is for me with all the extra work responsibilities!
Not complaining. Just voicing the amazement.
Some parts--OK, a lot of parts of dating as a mid-single are really frustrating. But I'd rather be having dates than not having any.
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Your Choice
Read this article tonight. Nothing exactly new, but with dating, I'm perfectly fine with constant repeating. What stood out the most to me was the very end. I gleaned this in college when I read the referenced Bruce R. McConkie talk "Agency or Inspiration - Which?"
[Y]ou don't go to Heavenly Father and say ‘Should I marry this person?’ Because if you haven't decided, He won't.”
I have a testimony of this, as I was on the opposite end in the situation. Mr. Best Friend at one time reached a point when he started praying to know if he should marry me. Unbeknownst to me. We weren't dating. In all those years, we never exclusively dated. We went on about 5 or 6 dates total, as friends, usually for my birthday. (And one very random Valentine's Day.) It rather floored me when many months later I learned that he had done this. Some of the minor thoughts were
*Why would Heavenly Father say "yes" when we're not even dating. Yes, we may know each other better than most dating couples. But shouldn't we have an active interest in each other before we approach the idea of marriage?
*Why would you ask such a question without me as a part of it. Of course you wouldn't get a yes answer. That's borderline to the story of men who say they've received a revelation that they should marry such-and-such girl. Those kind of prayers work so much better in answers (whether in the affirmative or not) when the two of you are having the prayers. Not necessarily having the prayers together. But on your own both offering those prayers.
*How in the world would you ever expect Heavenly Father to tell you "yes, marry this girl" when my prayers were pleading "Help me get over him and get on with my life?" Contrary purposes. Wasn't going to happen.
But the major thought was knowing what Elder McConkie had said. You make the decision, and you go to the Lord with that decision. I tried to explain this, but it never really got through because by that point I was the spurned female who came off as bemoaning my rejection. And no, that wasn't the case. I was certainly frustrated and hurt. But I loved that man, and I didn't want him to keep making mistakes like that. (By the way, he figured it out, as he is happily married to a most wonderful woman.)
It's kind of annoying to still see this "Should I marry her/him" in so many relationships around me. Guess what? In this case, again, I know better! And I'm very, very grateful that I do! Because it isn't just about this is the best way to go about it. Or even the counseled way from Apostles and other Church leaders. It's because it is our choice. The Lord gave us agency for a reason. We choose our life, and then we choose to be happy with the choices we've made. A little confirmation or negation on decisions helps prevent us from making egregious mistakes that we do not have the foresight to see. But otherwise, our Eternal Parents want us to choose and live our lives for ourselves. They don't want to decide for us, or live it for us. So rejoice in your agency, and in your freedom and ability to choose. And go choose your spouse and your happiness for yourself!
[Y]ou don't go to Heavenly Father and say ‘Should I marry this person?’ Because if you haven't decided, He won't.”
I have a testimony of this, as I was on the opposite end in the situation. Mr. Best Friend at one time reached a point when he started praying to know if he should marry me. Unbeknownst to me. We weren't dating. In all those years, we never exclusively dated. We went on about 5 or 6 dates total, as friends, usually for my birthday. (And one very random Valentine's Day.) It rather floored me when many months later I learned that he had done this. Some of the minor thoughts were
*Why would Heavenly Father say "yes" when we're not even dating. Yes, we may know each other better than most dating couples. But shouldn't we have an active interest in each other before we approach the idea of marriage?
*Why would you ask such a question without me as a part of it. Of course you wouldn't get a yes answer. That's borderline to the story of men who say they've received a revelation that they should marry such-and-such girl. Those kind of prayers work so much better in answers (whether in the affirmative or not) when the two of you are having the prayers. Not necessarily having the prayers together. But on your own both offering those prayers.
*How in the world would you ever expect Heavenly Father to tell you "yes, marry this girl" when my prayers were pleading "Help me get over him and get on with my life?" Contrary purposes. Wasn't going to happen.
But the major thought was knowing what Elder McConkie had said. You make the decision, and you go to the Lord with that decision. I tried to explain this, but it never really got through because by that point I was the spurned female who came off as bemoaning my rejection. And no, that wasn't the case. I was certainly frustrated and hurt. But I loved that man, and I didn't want him to keep making mistakes like that. (By the way, he figured it out, as he is happily married to a most wonderful woman.)
It's kind of annoying to still see this "Should I marry her/him" in so many relationships around me. Guess what? In this case, again, I know better! And I'm very, very grateful that I do! Because it isn't just about this is the best way to go about it. Or even the counseled way from Apostles and other Church leaders. It's because it is our choice. The Lord gave us agency for a reason. We choose our life, and then we choose to be happy with the choices we've made. A little confirmation or negation on decisions helps prevent us from making egregious mistakes that we do not have the foresight to see. But otherwise, our Eternal Parents want us to choose and live our lives for ourselves. They don't want to decide for us, or live it for us. So rejoice in your agency, and in your freedom and ability to choose. And go choose your spouse and your happiness for yourself!
Thursday, September 10, 2015
I Know Better
So, I met a guy last April in which I felt not just an instant connection, but one so strong it completely bowled me over. I haven't felt a connection like that in over 5 years, and only once has there ever been one so instantly. It isn't like I haven't been meeting any guys over the last few years. So this really stood out to me. I tried to follow the guidelines my Dating Coach has given me. It wasn't easy--and I certainly couldn't get them to be "textbook." But I made my efforts and our paths crossed. Even with the strong connection I was feeling that just kept increasing every time I saw him, there was a lot of confusion. I felt like everything I did was a messed up form of what I should have been doing. But then he was responding. However, sometimes his responses and actions were encouraging, and others left me wondering "whaaaaat?"
I had to phone a friend. OK, I Facebook messaged. Same thing. He's a good friend from over the years who has been a nice support to me in various aspects of life. He's married, so don't go suggesting we look towards each other. His being married and having a little more know-how than me--especially being a male--is why I contacted him. I'd gotten so confused about Mr. April's actions that even though I felt this by then ginormous connection, I couldn't figure his actions out at all. I didn't want to be analyzing or over-analyzing, but I had absolutely no clue what to do or where to go from there. Unfortunately, Mr. Friend couldn't figure his actions either.
So I took a flying leap into the darkness of scariness and asked this guy out on a date. I think it was a second for us. Yeah, think. That's how confused I was. By basic definitions that first whatever falls in date category. But...was it? Anyway. I knew I needed some one-on-one time with this guy, and he actually said yes. And was very much a gentleman about it. And we went on the date. And I pretty much had the best date I've had in, well, over a year.
(The non-LDS guy was a great date, especially considering he took me to an amazing restaurant but I was trying to prevent any sickness from...occurring, and couldn't eat. He took it in stride. We talked so easily. There would have been a connection, except we both knew my desire for an eternal marriage, and he wouldn't get there one day, so why waste each other's time by pursuing further? Still, it was a nice date.)
At the end of the date, I followed through on my Coach's guidelines. Including day after. Though it all was skewed, since I'm the one who asked. And I wasn't quite sure what to do. Honestly, any time I did anything in relation to this guy I found myself in constant wonder if I was doing anything right (or attractive or encouraging and not scary and in-his-face). But I could not deny this connection. And there were times when I felt sure he felt some kind of connection, too. Then when he acted contrary to that, which is exactly what he did after this second-maybe-first date, I was left confused and a little heart-ached. Not broken. Been there. I'm no where near broken. Just took a strong punch to it and got a bit of bruising.
I've spent the summer thinking
And unfortunately, all the men I've been meeting or dates I've gone since have paled enormously in comparison. And I'm not even actively comparing. I'm trying to give each man his own fair chance. But it's hard not to remember how strong that connection with Mr. April was, and how these new guys don't come close. I took a bit of a dating break--and summer was busy with family obligations anyway--so that I could fix myself and get over this silliness.
Because I'm still being so silly! I still am thinking of Mr. April. Still wondering what happened. Still partially wishing for...I don't even know. But I know I'm not over him.
And I Know Better!
If anyone should know, it is me! My Dating Coach teaches all of these things that I resonate with completely because of my past experiences.
*I don't give the best of me to those who don't invest in me.
*The kind of man I'm looking for is looking for me and if I put forth my efforts and put my faith in God, we will meet each other and recognize each other for what the other has to offer and what we are looking for.
*He's not my only chance for happiness!
Not only that. I spent 4 1/2 years caught on my best friend who did not want to marry me. Not that I waited and hoped all those years. I tried to move on during the last 2 of them and ended up literally moving across the country to help with that. I KNOW BETTER! And Mr. April is no where near what Mr. Best Friend was to me. He's at the starting line of the marathon that Mr. Best Friend has run twice already. So I should know better than to be holding out my little string of hope.
Oh the agonizing and annoying truth of this
No, no. I don't love Mr. April. I don't know him well enough. But that darn hope. It kills! It twists a knife. And I--WHO KNOW BETTER--should be able to drop this foolish hope of whatever when I spent 4 1/2 years of my life in pain, agony, tears because of constant rejection as that cursed hope remained.
The only hope I should maintain is my hope in Christ, and my hope in my Father's plan for me. Hope that all will come round and come right in His timing. I do have that hope.
I just have to get rid of the other hope. And there are times when I feel I've succeeded. And then I slip a little back down the well and realize I only saw the top, I hadn't reached it, yet. So I'm working on it. Just frustrated with myself that I wasn't able to leap out of the well as quickly as I had leaped down into its darkness.
Still. Life goes on. Online dating still goes. A man asked for my number after he met me at work. Actually called and texted a couple of times. He's been silent for a couple of weeks, but I'm not assigning him to Ghosting just yet, because he did warn me he's often up in the mountains building a house. That, and I'm not really that interested in him. He's 20 years older. Which while that used to be in my age range, I've been coming down in numbers right now because I still want to try and have a family, and men over 50 are usually done with that. And if they're not, I still hesitate a bit, because I'd like the father of my children to have energy and vitality to be there for them as they grow up. It's a case by case basis. This guy I don't know well. Not even sure if he's LDS. But it was flattering to think someone would meet me and want my number.
And he isn't the only one. I have a date tomorrow night with a man I met in July who asked for my number the same day he met me. Extremely flattering. Even more so that he has been (the only one to!) accept and understand my busy schedule and wait until I was free to go on a date instead of giving up from impatience or automatically assuming my being busy with family and 5 extra responsibilities at work (some at state and national levels) was code that I was actually just not interested.
Two guys showing interest. It is a step. And it is more than Mr. April for the fact that they haven't given me anything confusing as yet.
That's the kind of hope worth having.
I had to phone a friend. OK, I Facebook messaged. Same thing. He's a good friend from over the years who has been a nice support to me in various aspects of life. He's married, so don't go suggesting we look towards each other. His being married and having a little more know-how than me--especially being a male--is why I contacted him. I'd gotten so confused about Mr. April's actions that even though I felt this by then ginormous connection, I couldn't figure his actions out at all. I didn't want to be analyzing or over-analyzing, but I had absolutely no clue what to do or where to go from there. Unfortunately, Mr. Friend couldn't figure his actions either.
So I took a flying leap into the darkness of scariness and asked this guy out on a date. I think it was a second for us. Yeah, think. That's how confused I was. By basic definitions that first whatever falls in date category. But...was it? Anyway. I knew I needed some one-on-one time with this guy, and he actually said yes. And was very much a gentleman about it. And we went on the date. And I pretty much had the best date I've had in, well, over a year.
(The non-LDS guy was a great date, especially considering he took me to an amazing restaurant but I was trying to prevent any sickness from...occurring, and couldn't eat. He took it in stride. We talked so easily. There would have been a connection, except we both knew my desire for an eternal marriage, and he wouldn't get there one day, so why waste each other's time by pursuing further? Still, it was a nice date.)
At the end of the date, I followed through on my Coach's guidelines. Including day after. Though it all was skewed, since I'm the one who asked. And I wasn't quite sure what to do. Honestly, any time I did anything in relation to this guy I found myself in constant wonder if I was doing anything right (or attractive or encouraging and not scary and in-his-face). But I could not deny this connection. And there were times when I felt sure he felt some kind of connection, too. Then when he acted contrary to that, which is exactly what he did after this second-maybe-first date, I was left confused and a little heart-ached. Not broken. Been there. I'm no where near broken. Just took a strong punch to it and got a bit of bruising.
I've spent the summer thinking
And unfortunately, all the men I've been meeting or dates I've gone since have paled enormously in comparison. And I'm not even actively comparing. I'm trying to give each man his own fair chance. But it's hard not to remember how strong that connection with Mr. April was, and how these new guys don't come close. I took a bit of a dating break--and summer was busy with family obligations anyway--so that I could fix myself and get over this silliness.
Because I'm still being so silly! I still am thinking of Mr. April. Still wondering what happened. Still partially wishing for...I don't even know. But I know I'm not over him.
And I Know Better!
If anyone should know, it is me! My Dating Coach teaches all of these things that I resonate with completely because of my past experiences.
*I don't give the best of me to those who don't invest in me.
*The kind of man I'm looking for is looking for me and if I put forth my efforts and put my faith in God, we will meet each other and recognize each other for what the other has to offer and what we are looking for.
*He's not my only chance for happiness!
Not only that. I spent 4 1/2 years caught on my best friend who did not want to marry me. Not that I waited and hoped all those years. I tried to move on during the last 2 of them and ended up literally moving across the country to help with that. I KNOW BETTER! And Mr. April is no where near what Mr. Best Friend was to me. He's at the starting line of the marathon that Mr. Best Friend has run twice already. So I should know better than to be holding out my little string of hope.
Oh the agonizing and annoying truth of this
No, no. I don't love Mr. April. I don't know him well enough. But that darn hope. It kills! It twists a knife. And I--WHO KNOW BETTER--should be able to drop this foolish hope of whatever when I spent 4 1/2 years of my life in pain, agony, tears because of constant rejection as that cursed hope remained.
The only hope I should maintain is my hope in Christ, and my hope in my Father's plan for me. Hope that all will come round and come right in His timing. I do have that hope.
I just have to get rid of the other hope. And there are times when I feel I've succeeded. And then I slip a little back down the well and realize I only saw the top, I hadn't reached it, yet. So I'm working on it. Just frustrated with myself that I wasn't able to leap out of the well as quickly as I had leaped down into its darkness.
Still. Life goes on. Online dating still goes. A man asked for my number after he met me at work. Actually called and texted a couple of times. He's been silent for a couple of weeks, but I'm not assigning him to Ghosting just yet, because he did warn me he's often up in the mountains building a house. That, and I'm not really that interested in him. He's 20 years older. Which while that used to be in my age range, I've been coming down in numbers right now because I still want to try and have a family, and men over 50 are usually done with that. And if they're not, I still hesitate a bit, because I'd like the father of my children to have energy and vitality to be there for them as they grow up. It's a case by case basis. This guy I don't know well. Not even sure if he's LDS. But it was flattering to think someone would meet me and want my number.
And he isn't the only one. I have a date tomorrow night with a man I met in July who asked for my number the same day he met me. Extremely flattering. Even more so that he has been (the only one to!) accept and understand my busy schedule and wait until I was free to go on a date instead of giving up from impatience or automatically assuming my being busy with family and 5 extra responsibilities at work (some at state and national levels) was code that I was actually just not interested.
Two guys showing interest. It is a step. And it is more than Mr. April for the fact that they haven't given me anything confusing as yet.
That's the kind of hope worth having.
So many things to say that I wish I had time to write about. For now, here's a blog post my friend wrote. And this is the comment I posted. (It's in relation to his reaction and thus my very brief reaction to the recent Times article that I found fascinating but certainly don't blame all my dating woes on.)
As always, well said! Gotta put my two cents in. And then link to this article on my own "dating" blog. :-) For me the introvert, I have exhausted myself in the last 2 years putting myself completely out of my comfort zone every time. Dates have occurred. With my record of 0 before, I had an increase of about 2000%, though more than half of those I had to do the asking which is completely against my nature and for me, socially wrong.
But I had set goals because I'd like to get out there to get to know people better, try to make them feel good, and to practice my own skills. I'm not going on first, second, or sometimes third dates because I want to marry the guy. I'm going because I want to have fun and if I start to feel more of a connection with the guy, great--let's see where it goes! I've had to set goals in relation to dating and the only way for me to meet the goals was to ask the guys since they weren't asking as much. I've been grateful for the experiences, but I would have preferred not having the awkwardness or the feeling that I'm not attractive to men that accompany it.
But it is what it is, whether it is a "shortage of men" or me looking or behaving that I am unattractive and repelling possible dates. I'm a work in progress. Even if I'm in a burned out slump right now, I'm grateful for how much experience and growth I've had in the two years. You're a fun guy from an awesome family; and I think I'm that too (except I'm a girl!)--we're gonna get there. One day.
As always, well said! Gotta put my two cents in. And then link to this article on my own "dating" blog. :-) For me the introvert, I have exhausted myself in the last 2 years putting myself completely out of my comfort zone every time. Dates have occurred. With my record of 0 before, I had an increase of about 2000%, though more than half of those I had to do the asking which is completely against my nature and for me, socially wrong.
But I had set goals because I'd like to get out there to get to know people better, try to make them feel good, and to practice my own skills. I'm not going on first, second, or sometimes third dates because I want to marry the guy. I'm going because I want to have fun and if I start to feel more of a connection with the guy, great--let's see where it goes! I've had to set goals in relation to dating and the only way for me to meet the goals was to ask the guys since they weren't asking as much. I've been grateful for the experiences, but I would have preferred not having the awkwardness or the feeling that I'm not attractive to men that accompany it.
But it is what it is, whether it is a "shortage of men" or me looking or behaving that I am unattractive and repelling possible dates. I'm a work in progress. Even if I'm in a burned out slump right now, I'm grateful for how much experience and growth I've had in the two years. You're a fun guy from an awesome family; and I think I'm that too (except I'm a girl!)--we're gonna get there. One day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)