Blog Silence is Golden

At least, for me, with this blog, it is. Because for one, it means I am not having awful or painful experiences in the dating world, thus nothing to write about. It could also mean that I am having good dating experiences and they take up my time that I have none to write.

And both would be the case this time!

I am not only having good dating experiences, I am having several of them which have actually led to me being exclusive with an absolutely amazing man. So I'm just going to focus on us right now and leave a little blog silence. Maybe I will give some updates. We'll see. All I need to share right now is that I am very, very happy.

Today

Today I still have 

My mom and dad
My beloved sister
My brothers
My amazing in-laws
My "niephews" 
My home
My job
My patrons who love me
My co-workers who love and support me
My neighbors and ward members
My testimony
My health
My car
My legs and feet
My arms and hands
My hair (yes, I'm going to put that in there :-) )
My eyes
My friends and very best friends
My aunts, uncles, and cousins
My blogs
My games
My Happy Now list
My memories
My love
My heart
My beliefs
My freedoms
My voice
My Church leaders
My tissues
My books
My blankets
My joy
My ability to serve
My temple recommend
My smile
My sense of humor
My food
My sense of security
My experiences
My desires
My Lord's Gospel
My scriptures
My journals
My gift of the Holy Ghost
My Redeemer
My Heavenly Father
My future


Today, I am overwhelmed. 
Today I am mourning.
Today I am tired.
Today I am crying.

But

Today, I am grateful.
Today, I am fortunate.
Today, I am blessed.

Getting to the Bottom of It

I had to do some personal pondering, reflections, and feelings checks after my "out of the blue" heartbreak on Sunday. Because it couldn't have been out of the blue. Something led to something somehow. Thus I thought about it. And when the realization dawned on me, I literally sat for a full 5 minutes at work with my mouth hanging open. (Thank goodness I was back in the office!)

It came to me that, yet again, I am being passed over for some other woman. The background details of that fact are ironic and ridiculous and embarrassing and most especially surprising. So I'm not getting into that. But the point is that is my biggest barrier, my biggest fear is that I am unwanted by men. That men see me and decide to go for other women. Granted, hopefully that is what generally happens, or else I would be in a lot of trouble! What I mean is that I felt no man would ever look at me, because they would always find someone else more attractive, desirable, etc. than me.

At our Inner Goddess weekend, we learned that our barriers were things built over time for one reason or another. And in my pondering, I was able to remember the very first time this happened in my life. The most profound one. Because really, having men 5 years older than me pursue women 5 years older than me when I was still a teenager--that wasn't a real rejection. Nor were the boys that I crushed over secretly who never went for me. But that first time. The first real rejection I ever had. He was such a great friend, and I had so many feelings beyond that. I thought he did, too. Lots of people thought he did. But we were all wrong. It shocked us all when we figured out that he liked another girl. My heart dropped when I learned, and led to me lying on the floor in a dark room for 1/2 an hour, crying my eyes out. Yeah, I was an emotional teenager. (Yes, I'm still emotional as an adult, but I've really tried to curb it!)

That of course was not my only rejection. I had many afterwards. But this was my first. It was eye-opening for me to realize that that was the very first instance. But what had my heart and stomach dropping on Sunday? I am being passed over by the same guy. Honestly, I can't blame him. He really hasn't a clue. It happened before I was able to tell him anything. Yet the irony and that deep-seated fear came whirling so fast at me as I saw it all unfolding all over again. Yet it was even deeper because it's what had "started it all." And that's why I was caught so off guard.

I'm moving along with it. While also dealing with my health issues and being overly-stressed and tired at work. All 3 together are making for a terrible cocktail of emotions. But I'm glad I have been able to trace all 3 things to their sources, and can deal with each one accordingly. That was more than half the battle right there.

And now I'm closing the back door, without even bothering to ask questions. I'm just going to shut it. And I will protect myself from letting that person in anywhere. I will be better, wiser, and more cautious.

All will be well.

Not past feeling. I guess that's good.

I refuse to let another boy make me cry!

At least tonight.

Or, well, by tomorrow morning.

So out of the blue--where in the world did that come from?!?

I haven't felt my heart hurt this badly since Back Door Boy left me for another--or the other--woman. And even then, this feels different. Almost like I am going to be sick.

I am so confused and shocked, all I know to do is cry.

So, ok, I am letting another boy "make me" cry.

And once it is out, I will be fine.

How appropriate--crying during a rainstorm. Thoughts of "Remember When it Rained" and "Just Let Me Cry."

Because that's how it has always worked for me in the past.

I count on that for the future. And remember all the wonderful words I heard in Conference today, so I know it is true. I am happy, even joyful, amidst this randomly where-in-the-world trial.