This.
#4, #5, and #6 from the girl is most especially pertinent from me from my experiences over the last 10 days.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Saturday, July 23, 2016
Another and Rather Odd First For Me
6 months ago, I learned some of my barriers in dating and relationships. One of those is that I thought I was invisible to men. That I was ugly and unattractive and they didn't see or want me. This included physically as well as mentally, intellectually, and in personality. The barrier wasn't just one I put up once in my life to protect me. It was a compound over several years that made it bigger and messier and tougher to break through. Luckily, for 2+ years before I attended my Inner Goddess weekend and learned what that barrier was, I had many things (dating coach, dating books, articles, etc.) that were helping me to hack away at that barrier. By the time I got to my Goddess weekend, that barrier was crumbling. But it helped so much when I was able to give it a name, and fully get rid of it.
Well, almost fully. Once in a while I have glimpses of that barrier and I have to re-direct my thoughts and energy to something else.
So it is the greatest irony to me that in the last 6 months, one of the main troubles I am having with dating are men who are too focused on, interested in, or distracted by the physical attractions I have to offer them. Now some of the guys I meet I can tell are the kind that just "want some," and I am not flattered (though admittedly, I am still surprised). But then there are others who seem like fairly "normal" men (whatever that means), who tell me they find me attractive, and a couple whom I have allowed to act on that attraction.
I am flattered by that attraction. And still surprised. But frankly--and I never thought that I would ever be saying this: I am tired of men finding me physically attractive!
Not that I want to be unattractive. And not that I don't want a man to be physically attracted to me.
But what ever happened to men who knew how to have conversations, and to build friendships, and to have fun that didn't include the physical?! The men who didn't let their sex drive steer their entire course of dating me? What happened to the men who had and showed respect? Who would listen when I told him that it wasn't the focus I wanted in a relationship, or that there are lines that I won't cross and yet they keep trying to cross them? The ones who would take my "No" for an answer and not continue to try and jeopardize both of us? And yes, I do mean LDS men.
Before you wonder--I have not done anything to break covenants I have made with my Heavenly Father. But I am meeting men who start off being great and nice and fun who later change the relationship, to where I am suddenly just a physical object for their pleasure and they care nothing about who I am.
I still believe that there are good LDS men out there who know how to control their desires, respect the women they date, and honestly want to meet and get to know non-physically their best friend. And because I believe it, and pray for it, and seek for it, I know I will find it. And will continue to pray that the Lord will help protect me as well as make me aware of those guys whose intentions are not those that are the best for both of us.
P.S. I am not saying that physical affection is bad. But moderation and control, especially in the very beginning, is crucial or else that becomes the focus and the foundation--which is a guarantee for failure.
Well, almost fully. Once in a while I have glimpses of that barrier and I have to re-direct my thoughts and energy to something else.
So it is the greatest irony to me that in the last 6 months, one of the main troubles I am having with dating are men who are too focused on, interested in, or distracted by the physical attractions I have to offer them. Now some of the guys I meet I can tell are the kind that just "want some," and I am not flattered (though admittedly, I am still surprised). But then there are others who seem like fairly "normal" men (whatever that means), who tell me they find me attractive, and a couple whom I have allowed to act on that attraction.
I am flattered by that attraction. And still surprised. But frankly--and I never thought that I would ever be saying this: I am tired of men finding me physically attractive!
Not that I want to be unattractive. And not that I don't want a man to be physically attracted to me.
But what ever happened to men who knew how to have conversations, and to build friendships, and to have fun that didn't include the physical?! The men who didn't let their sex drive steer their entire course of dating me? What happened to the men who had and showed respect? Who would listen when I told him that it wasn't the focus I wanted in a relationship, or that there are lines that I won't cross and yet they keep trying to cross them? The ones who would take my "No" for an answer and not continue to try and jeopardize both of us? And yes, I do mean LDS men.
Before you wonder--I have not done anything to break covenants I have made with my Heavenly Father. But I am meeting men who start off being great and nice and fun who later change the relationship, to where I am suddenly just a physical object for their pleasure and they care nothing about who I am.
I still believe that there are good LDS men out there who know how to control their desires, respect the women they date, and honestly want to meet and get to know non-physically their best friend. And because I believe it, and pray for it, and seek for it, I know I will find it. And will continue to pray that the Lord will help protect me as well as make me aware of those guys whose intentions are not those that are the best for both of us.
P.S. I am not saying that physical affection is bad. But moderation and control, especially in the very beginning, is crucial or else that becomes the focus and the foundation--which is a guarantee for failure.
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Adventures in Blocking
11:04 pm
Him: I know this is a bit forward and I'm not sure if you're into kinky stuff but I liked your pictures and I'm wondering if youd like to mess around on snapchat tonight with me?
I got the message at 1:15pm the next day. By then, he no longer had an account. Saved me the trouble of blocking him!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Him: U looks beautiful whats your name?
Me:
Block!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Him: Do you like younger sexy men?;)
Me:
Block!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm getting good at this blocking stuff. I still feel rude, but at least I'm not AS disgusted.
Him: I know this is a bit forward and I'm not sure if you're into kinky stuff but I liked your pictures and I'm wondering if youd like to mess around on snapchat tonight with me?
I got the message at 1:15pm the next day. By then, he no longer had an account. Saved me the trouble of blocking him!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Him: U looks beautiful whats your name?
Me:
Block!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Him: Do you like younger sexy men?;)
Me:
Block!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm getting good at this blocking stuff. I still feel rude, but at least I'm not AS disgusted.
Friday, July 15, 2016
7 Brides for 7 Brothers Dating Tips?
Him: Hi pretty, is really amazing to meet you here. Your picture have said a lot about your beauty and it really gets me attracted, well I would love to get to know more about you if you don’t mind…..hope to hear back from you
[I contemplated going with my new resolve to just immediately block every guy whose profile shows I will not be interested. But I still felt guilty. So I responded.]
Me: Thank you for the compliments, but I'm sorry. Your profile indicates you are not the kind of man I am looking for. Good luck in your dating quest.
Him: oh dats great and you too have a nice day
Him: but if i may ask my dear can you relate to me the kind of man that you are looking for? will like to hear you. hope no offense my dear
Me: You smoke and drink. I am looking for a man who doesn't do either.
Him: hmmmmm interesting my dear
Him: i wish you good luck my dear but dnt just judge from a distance
I am not your dear, honey.
For post title reference, watch the first few seconds of this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qaxA5Xa_e0
Millie needs to add in that you don't do that in first communication.
[I contemplated going with my new resolve to just immediately block every guy whose profile shows I will not be interested. But I still felt guilty. So I responded.]
Me: Thank you for the compliments, but I'm sorry. Your profile indicates you are not the kind of man I am looking for. Good luck in your dating quest.
Him: oh dats great and you too have a nice day
Him: but if i may ask my dear can you relate to me the kind of man that you are looking for? will like to hear you. hope no offense my dear
Me: You smoke and drink. I am looking for a man who doesn't do either.
Him: hmmmmm interesting my dear
Him: i wish you good luck my dear but dnt just judge from a distance
I am not your dear, honey.
For post title reference, watch the first few seconds of this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qaxA5Xa_e0
Millie needs to add in that you don't do that in first communication.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Subconsciously Hilarious
I dreamed last night.
First I met this really amazing guy at some function. We had a lot in common and we got along fabulously. But it never occurred to him to ask me out.
The dream morphed into a group of my friends and I meeting some men at an activity. It was a match-up group date of sorts. My guy and I were hitting it off. Then all of the guys started to feel sick (we thought food poisoning) and left for the hospital.
Even in my dreams I am doomed.
First I met this really amazing guy at some function. We had a lot in common and we got along fabulously. But it never occurred to him to ask me out.
The dream morphed into a group of my friends and I meeting some men at an activity. It was a match-up group date of sorts. My guy and I were hitting it off. Then all of the guys started to feel sick (we thought food poisoning) and left for the hospital.
Even in my dreams I am doomed.
Monday, July 11, 2016
Selling His Case
Him: So do you really believe we are 99% compatible? Or you think this is a very inaccurate singles' site...
Me: It is not the most accurate algorithm, and it doesn't factor in the number of questions answered. Plus--it doesn't factor in crucial questions that only people themselves come up with as important to them.
Him: So what's a crucial question or questions you would come up for me?
Me: Well, considering our age difference and the desires I have in life, I would ask are you LDS? What are your plans for the next 40 years? How many kids would you like to have?
Him: Yes I am LDS, in the next 40 years, I have a plan to keep physically fit and healthy, I also have a plan to keep mentally, emotionally and spiritually fit and healthy as well, in the next 10 years, to earn 100 million dollars get married and have at least 4 children; in the next 10 years I also have the plan to record my piano and music compositions. How about you?
Me: I am also LDS. In the next 40 years, I want to continue loving and experiencing life while serving the Lord. I would also like to see more of the world Heavenly Father created for us. I still dream of 10 children, and believe much of that will happen with adoption now that I am older.
Him: You're perfectly young and healthy enough to have 10 children yourself; if you believe, you can do it; let's begin with the first step, how about dinner this coming Friday?
Me: I have a lot of health issues, so I will be very blessed and grateful if I am able to have 1. I have generally had a wide age range for dating, but I'm sorry, with you being 18 years older than me, you are a few years out of it.
Him: Totally understanding; but just a thought for you to consider, thanks God I am healthy and strong, more than many guys in their 20s and 30s, and I will be for 50 more years; age is relative when it comes down to health; my age doesn't take away any of the abilities of a normal man. But thanks for sharing : )
Me: I consider my father one of the healthiest men I know. He has always taken care of himself. But he is only a decade older than you, and I am watching how age slows things down and make things difficult that no amount of healthy living can change. That is why for now I have lowered my age limit for me I date. Thank you for being understanding.
Him: Hey, no problem, life is a matter of choice and preferences, you'll find what you want according to your faith and willingness to submit to God's will. I recently learned that we singles remain single because we look for what we want and not for what God wants for us.
Me: About wants, that is a truth. However I recently was at a conference where I learned that God gives us desires in our lives, and He wouldn't give us those desires if He didn't intend for us to have them in His time. Part of the Conference was spent figuring out what out desires are, as they relate to our core values. And my desires have started to be fulfilled ever since. So I know He is bringing about His promises to me.
There are so many thoughts that come to mind about this. I'll just say that yes, this guy is 20 years older than me. And the slight creepiness of him telling me I was young and healthy and I could have 10 kids
Me: It is not the most accurate algorithm, and it doesn't factor in the number of questions answered. Plus--it doesn't factor in crucial questions that only people themselves come up with as important to them.
Him: So what's a crucial question or questions you would come up for me?
Me: Well, considering our age difference and the desires I have in life, I would ask are you LDS? What are your plans for the next 40 years? How many kids would you like to have?
Him: Yes I am LDS, in the next 40 years, I have a plan to keep physically fit and healthy, I also have a plan to keep mentally, emotionally and spiritually fit and healthy as well, in the next 10 years, to earn 100 million dollars get married and have at least 4 children; in the next 10 years I also have the plan to record my piano and music compositions. How about you?
Me: I am also LDS. In the next 40 years, I want to continue loving and experiencing life while serving the Lord. I would also like to see more of the world Heavenly Father created for us. I still dream of 10 children, and believe much of that will happen with adoption now that I am older.
Him: You're perfectly young and healthy enough to have 10 children yourself; if you believe, you can do it; let's begin with the first step, how about dinner this coming Friday?
Me: I have a lot of health issues, so I will be very blessed and grateful if I am able to have 1. I have generally had a wide age range for dating, but I'm sorry, with you being 18 years older than me, you are a few years out of it.
Him: Totally understanding; but just a thought for you to consider, thanks God I am healthy and strong, more than many guys in their 20s and 30s, and I will be for 50 more years; age is relative when it comes down to health; my age doesn't take away any of the abilities of a normal man. But thanks for sharing : )
Me: I consider my father one of the healthiest men I know. He has always taken care of himself. But he is only a decade older than you, and I am watching how age slows things down and make things difficult that no amount of healthy living can change. That is why for now I have lowered my age limit for me I date. Thank you for being understanding.
Him: Hey, no problem, life is a matter of choice and preferences, you'll find what you want according to your faith and willingness to submit to God's will. I recently learned that we singles remain single because we look for what we want and not for what God wants for us.
Me: About wants, that is a truth. However I recently was at a conference where I learned that God gives us desires in our lives, and He wouldn't give us those desires if He didn't intend for us to have them in His time. Part of the Conference was spent figuring out what out desires are, as they relate to our core values. And my desires have started to be fulfilled ever since. So I know He is bringing about His promises to me.
There are so many thoughts that come to mind about this. I'll just say that yes, this guy is 20 years older than me. And the slight creepiness of him telling me I was young and healthy and I could have 10 kids
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Gross and Unattractive
Him: I want to eat you
Me: Well, that's not a flattering to me at all. That's rather a turnoff. No thank you.
[It was a few hours until his response, but in the mean time I felt like his first comment had a different meaning, as I have unfortunately been learning lately. So I checked. Yep. So gross. And my response was spot on.]
Him: I like you just kidding with you
Him: I want to see you
Me: It was an extremely repulsive way to kid with a woman you have never met, and are never going to. I don't wish to see you at all.
Him: Ok, as you like
Him: No problem
Him: Open mind
BLOCK!
Who knows what or who he was referring to with "open mind." But that aside, this poor LDS girl is not enjoying learning about any of these phrases and their meanings that are being flung at her in the dating scene. Not. At. All.
Me: Well, that's not a flattering to me at all. That's rather a turnoff. No thank you.
[It was a few hours until his response, but in the mean time I felt like his first comment had a different meaning, as I have unfortunately been learning lately. So I checked. Yep. So gross. And my response was spot on.]
Him: I like you just kidding with you
Him: I want to see you
Me: It was an extremely repulsive way to kid with a woman you have never met, and are never going to. I don't wish to see you at all.
Him: Ok, as you like
Him: No problem
Him: Open mind
BLOCK!
Who knows what or who he was referring to with "open mind." But that aside, this poor LDS girl is not enjoying learning about any of these phrases and their meanings that are being flung at her in the dating scene. Not. At. All.
Rudeness Won't Get You Anywhere Either
Him: Hello there, let me introduce myself, my name is _____, how are you?
Me: Hello, _____. I am doing well, thank you. I would like to let you know that I am on here looking for active LDS men. I don't want to waste other men's time. But thank you for saying hello.
Him: You are not a waste of my time, I won't have said hello if I thought you were.
Me: Thank you, but nothing is going to happen beyond this, so I need to focus my attention and efforts elsewhere.
Him: Why wouldn't it? I never said I wasn't LDS, you probably should be less judgmental going forward.
Me: Your profile says that you are Christian, and it isn't important. I am looking for a man who puts God first because he loves to and wants to. It also says you drink socially. I don't want a man who drinks. The LDS men I am looking for love being Christian, and do not drink. That is why it would be a waste of my time, if not yours.
Him: So you want a hypocrite or a lier, good luck with that.
Me: Wow, you're a winner. Thank you for not really understanding.
Lesson learned: As soon as I receive the chat message, and I see on their profile that they do not match what I am looking for, I should block them then and there. So much for trying to be polite. So much for trying to not do what so many men on these online sites do to me. Since this should finally show me that the majority of the men on these sites are not understanding, and cannot be men and gentlemen by graciously accepting "No, thank you" as an answer.
Me: Hello, _____. I am doing well, thank you. I would like to let you know that I am on here looking for active LDS men. I don't want to waste other men's time. But thank you for saying hello.
Him: You are not a waste of my time, I won't have said hello if I thought you were.
Me: Thank you, but nothing is going to happen beyond this, so I need to focus my attention and efforts elsewhere.
Him: Why wouldn't it? I never said I wasn't LDS, you probably should be less judgmental going forward.
Me: Your profile says that you are Christian, and it isn't important. I am looking for a man who puts God first because he loves to and wants to. It also says you drink socially. I don't want a man who drinks. The LDS men I am looking for love being Christian, and do not drink. That is why it would be a waste of my time, if not yours.
Him: So you want a hypocrite or a lier, good luck with that.
Me: Wow, you're a winner. Thank you for not really understanding.
Lesson learned: As soon as I receive the chat message, and I see on their profile that they do not match what I am looking for, I should block them then and there. So much for trying to be polite. So much for trying to not do what so many men on these online sites do to me. Since this should finally show me that the majority of the men on these sites are not understanding, and cannot be men and gentlemen by graciously accepting "No, thank you" as an answer.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Futile Requests for Ego Stroking
Sunday I had a conversation--which scared me to death since I didn't know how he had gotten my number. It also frustrated, confused and slightly annoyed me. Then it became a little clearer how it came about and I was ok. I thought it was over.
Until it continued today--bringing about the familiar feeling of annoyance.
Oh my word.
People out there....
Him: Let's talk
Me: I'm sorry--who is this?
Him: _____
Me: Ok. I know 5 or 6 _____s. Which one are you?
Him: Just _____ in _[city]___
Him: Let's meet up
Me: Sorry. Still no idea who you are
Him: No problem. Any plans today?
Him: Let's meet for a date. [winky face]
Me: I am not going to meet someone for a date when I have no idea who they are
Him: Do you have Skype?
Me: Yes
Him: What is your user name please?
Me: No. First I want to know how I am supposed to know you.
Him: We were talking on POF and you gave me your number. Remember? [smiley face]
[no answer from me, because I was at church]
Him: Well?
Him: May I call?
Me: Pof?
Him: Yes. Plenty of Fish
Me: Is that a dating site? Sorry, I don't use that. The girl who had my number before me likes to give it out to people she doesn't want to talk to. If that is your case I am sorry.
Him: Lol. What?! Hahaha
Me: I am not the girl you're looking for.
[So tempted to say Not the Droid....]
6 DAYS LATER!!!!!
Him: Good Morning
[Let's play dumb, since I know who it is, and maybe he forgot about the whole I'm not the same girl he had been talking to so I needed to remind him again]
Me: Who is this?
Him: _______
Me: The guy with the wrong number?
Him: Huh?
Me: We established last week that I am not the girl you think I am. So you have the wrong number.
Him: May I get your opinion on something?
[I seriously thought it was going to be about online dating sites or something. I feel like I never learn!]
Me: I suppose
Him: I work out and eat healthy daily. May I get your opinion on my body and progress?
Me: If that means you sending me pictures of your physique, then no.
Him: I almost have a six pack though
Me: Sorry. That doesn't impress me.
Me: And it sounds like you don't need my feedback on that
Him: I would appreciate it though. [smiley face]
Me: No thanks.
Him: Please? Just one picture?
Me: No. Please stop texting me
Until it continued today--bringing about the familiar feeling of annoyance.
Oh my word.
People out there....
Him: Let's talk
Me: I'm sorry--who is this?
Him: _____
Me: Ok. I know 5 or 6 _____s. Which one are you?
Him: Just _____ in _[city]___
Him: Let's meet up
Me: Sorry. Still no idea who you are
Him: No problem. Any plans today?
Him: Let's meet for a date. [winky face]
Me: I am not going to meet someone for a date when I have no idea who they are
Him: Do you have Skype?
Me: Yes
Him: What is your user name please?
Me: No. First I want to know how I am supposed to know you.
Him: We were talking on POF and you gave me your number. Remember? [smiley face]
[no answer from me, because I was at church]
Him: May I call?
Me: Pof?
Him: Yes. Plenty of Fish
Me: Is that a dating site? Sorry, I don't use that. The girl who had my number before me likes to give it out to people she doesn't want to talk to. If that is your case I am sorry.
Him: Lol. What?! Hahaha
Me: I am not the girl you're looking for.
[So tempted to say Not the Droid....]
6 DAYS LATER!!!!!
Him: Good Morning
[Let's play dumb, since I know who it is, and maybe he forgot about the whole I'm not the same girl he had been talking to so I needed to remind him again]
Me: Who is this?
Him: _______
Me: The guy with the wrong number?
Him: Huh?
Me: We established last week that I am not the girl you think I am. So you have the wrong number.
Him: May I get your opinion on something?
[I seriously thought it was going to be about online dating sites or something. I feel like I never learn!]
Me: I suppose
Him: I work out and eat healthy daily. May I get your opinion on my body and progress?
Me: If that means you sending me pictures of your physique, then no.
Him: I almost have a six pack though
Me: Sorry. That doesn't impress me.
Me: And it sounds like you don't need my feedback on that
Him: I would appreciate it though. [smiley face]
Me: No thanks.
Him: Please? Just one picture?
Me: No. Please stop texting me
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Another Night of Disappointment. It will pass.
My Facebook post:
Frustrating that a heart can still break, or just be bruised, when you were fighting to protect it. Well, Tomorrow is a new day--fresh and with no mistakes. And maybe there will be a bend in the road waiting for me. #ChannelingAnne#ChannelingPollyanna
"Ah, John Harmon, you would find out!" - Our Mutual Friend
My explanation:
I am an idiot and didn't let things lie. But at least this time I will have closure that will help me heal within a day or two, rather than ghosting that will have me reeling for weeks on end.
And the best way to look at this, I suppose: if he says that he is too busy time-wise to make efforts for dating even though I said I was willing to work at it, then he is not at the same place in dating as I am.
So, moving on.
Frustrating that a heart can still break, or just be bruised, when you were fighting to protect it. Well, Tomorrow is a new day--fresh and with no mistakes. And maybe there will be a bend in the road waiting for me. #ChannelingAnne#ChannelingPollyanna
"Ah, John Harmon, you would find out!" - Our Mutual Friend
My explanation:
I am an idiot and didn't let things lie. But at least this time I will have closure that will help me heal within a day or two, rather than ghosting that will have me reeling for weeks on end.
And the best way to look at this, I suppose: if he says that he is too busy time-wise to make efforts for dating even though I said I was willing to work at it, then he is not at the same place in dating as I am.
So, moving on.
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