THIS!

I saw this article tonight:

Here Is Why Paying For The Date Is Not About The Money

It's so true! It is not about the money. I actually don't like money being spent on me. It makes me feel awkward, uncomfortable, and undeserving. Yet I've been taught to accept graciously. So I do. But I can have just as much fun and enjoyment by a inexpensive or free date, and definitely feel just as feminine and desirable because a man has chosen to spend time with me.

I do want to point out that though not about the money, one element is not as true for me. I don't spend that much money to prep for a date. I will certainly dress up, and put in some effort. But I am not one that goes to get my nails done, or hair done ever. And new clothes get bought every few years. So again, not as much money spent right before a date.

I point this out, though, because a lot does get spent by me in order to reach a first date. I have to put in a lot of money in the dating game. I like to go to dances. I have fun at those dances, mostly, however, I'd really like to meet some men at these dances, too! I go to dinner groups, dance lessons, ward parties, Family Home Evening activities, Institute classes, hot springs outings, movie outings, festivals, vacation adventures elsewhere, and so much more. Guess what? Each one of those things costs me money to go! Some of those quite a bit of money!

I go to them because I want to have fun. I go because I like to see and make friends there. Yet a huge reason I go is to meet men. I am an INFJ, and a hermit by nature. I love to stay at home, curled up reading or watching a movie, playing a game with friends, or making and eating food at one of my hosted parties. I prefer smaller, intimate settings. And most of those activities are basically free. So not only am I shelling out a bunch of money to participate in these other activities, but I'm also spending large amounts of emotional, mental, and physical energy. Energy that takes time to renew--time that should be spent continuing to go out to meet new people, otherwise I feel I'm being lazy, or wasting time and opportunities.

For a girl who has to put out so much just to meet men, it means so much to have a man ask me out and want to spend some time with me. I have appreciated each date, no matter how awkward, boring, exciting, misleading, silly, fun, ideal, "perfect," or painful. Each one has given me experience. I have learned much about myself. I have had a chance to be away from the huge crowds and be in the more preferred smaller settings. I've been able to have conversations. I love that I get dates now (as opposed to no dates for 3 years straight). I would like to have more. One day, I would hope that the dates progress to a more steady, serious, committed relationship. But I don't want to rush it. I just want that to happen when it's right. Until then, please men of good character and standing and intentions--please keep asking me (and other women!) out.

Oh. My. Word.

That moment when you realize the guy you met online a couple of days ago and have been chatting with is actually a guy who asked you on a date 4 years ago, to which you said yes, and then he never followed through.

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And no, I'm not giving him a second chance for that date. I already know it would not be an enjoyable experience and we are most certainly not compatible. I have witnesses who can confirm.


This just reinforces the post I wrote not even 2 hours ago.

Losing Hope

Then there are the times, much more frequent over the last few months than ever before, when I am completely done with the whole dating thing. I've managed so far to live just fine on my own. While I know I need and want a man at my side, these are the times when the idea of all the work involved to merge our two lives together seems like such a hassle. Especially considering how much of a hassle the dating part right now is. I lose hope that any man I am attracted to (in all the ways) will be attracted to me. That no man will want me at his side as he seeks for and then pursues his Quest. Checking out from the game seems the most appealing option. Much less stress, much less roller coaster of emotions. But checking out has caused so much singleness in my life already. And it isn't putting my faith in God and His timing, nor giving my all in effort to prove myself worthy of such a great gift and blessing as my best friend.

But where is--or what is--the fine line of "Stop thinking about it and it will just happen" and "I'm done with this?"

Overheard Today

"I'm not single. I'm romantically challenged." - from "A Christmas Wish"

Dumb Me--I'm Doing It All Again!

Yesterday I did something stupid. Here I've spent months trying to "Close the Back Door," and then I just opened it wide and shouted out "Hello there!!!" I have immediately been trying to close it again. And while it was really stupid of me, it certainly was glorious. Fun, enjoyable, memorable. I laughed so much. I made him laugh! (That surprised me.) There was always easy, ready conversation. He could dance--which made the fun twice what it could have been. And it was so easy and natural to just be relaxed and be myself!

The problem with opening that door and then closing it reminds me of exactly what I've been looking for in a relationship--and seeing that it actually exists somewhere. But there have been so few in my life where I have felt this way. And I have to grasp so tightly to the faint, usually fleeting hope that I can find this yet again with some other man--but one who will feel the same way in return. That is a very, very difficult hope to hold on to. Which is why Closing the back door hurts. But I'm only hurting myself more if I don't. The last 5 months have already proved that.

Lean On..._______?

Being single, I have had to find my own independence. While that has made me strong and able to live not just on my own, but live well on my own, that doesn't mean it is what I want or need. Because guess what? I need a man. I need my husband, or my castle as my Wife class has made analogy to. Many may say it is unfeminine and/or demeaning my own gender to say so, but I heartily disagree.


Why? Because I was not meant to do all of this on my own. I was meant to have an equal partner--a man to help support me and me to support him.

For us to work together in making our dreams come true and to have someone to rely and lean on when times are rough for one or both of us.

And though I'm doing a fairly decent job of living on my own and making it on my own, I inevitably reach times like right now. When I'm ready to fall over because I cannot take any more. I'm exhausted from bearing it all alone. And I have no one to lean on. No one to help me carry that load. No one to hold me while I cry and try to find my strength again. It is not the only reason I would like my husband, my castle with me now, but oh my it sure stands out to me when I reach these moments.


Where is the man who will let me put my head on his shoulder because it is too heavy to remember all it needs to do.

To hold me up because my back cannot bear the burdens any more.

To wipe away the tears.

To let me know in his every action that all will one day be well again--and that I can make it through anything because he is at my side.

And where is the man who will give me my greatest desire and purpose in this life--to do and be all of those things for him when he needs it?

Times like now can be rough. So instead I'll try to make myself feel better by watching fictional couples live what I long for. :-) And by relying on my Savior. Though He cannot help me as my husband one day will, He will continue to give me emotional and spiritual peace and reassurance and I'll continue on continuing on as I have all the other times.

*This post brought to you by my love of period dramas, British shows, and admiration of fictional couples.

If he can see it, why can't other guys?

A couple weeks ago I heard something that me laugh and blush at the same time. It was from my work-ish-related project mentor. He is a very successful leader in my work field, becoming pretty well-known nationally. We are opposites in so many ways (LDS vs not, non-smoker vs. not, meat-lover vs. vegan; straight vs. gay), and yet have found plenty in common to be friends. I've really enjoyed making his friendship over the last year. He makes me laugh and gives me interesting and informative perspectives on so many things in my library world.

He said this the other day: "I can say this because I'm not your co-worker, and because I'm gay--I think you're quite a catch."

And I was extremely flattered. 

He has made it his mission to find someone for me. Because he, too, can see the crime in singleness.

My Current, Huge Dilemma

This past week I had my 3rd week-long training (in the span of 9 months) which also "concluded" the project my team was working on. This entire program is called ILEAD (Innovative Librarians Explore Apply & Discover), which originated out of Illinois. I was lucky to be able to participate in Utah's 2nd year. I have gained so much from these 9 months' experiences. I was rejuvenated, inspired, and all kinds of wonderful concerning my particular job but also my overall career as a librarian.

For a couple of years, I have felt myself being encouraged and nudged by many superiors and mentors to consider moving up the ladder in my career. Administration was never appealing to me. My supervisor suggested twice that I take the Supervisors' course and I explained that I was perfectly happy where I was. And I am! I love my collection development responsibilities. I love working the desk. And I most especially love my work in programs and with the youth. It is the best part of my job, doing storytimes and Teen Hours and Doctor Who & Star Wars parties, and more.

But the carrot of moving up has been dangling closer and closer in front of me in the last 2 years, and all around me trying to tell me how amazing that carrot is. In the dating world, I have loved my carrot analogy. That carrot has been a lifeline. But in my job? I don't know. After doing this ILEAD program, I can see more positives about being a library branch manager. I can see in myself the skills and attributes that would be perfect to take on such a responsibility. I've even glimpsed how I could actually enjoy it, excel at it, and make a difference.

Yet there is one very huge thing that holds me back. Something that makes that carrot the most unappealing thing to me.

I want to be a wife and mother.

And by that, I mean I want to be a stay-at-home mother. I want to be a homemaker. Not just a one-day off homemaker. I want to keep my house clean, organized, and full of fun, laughter, and the Spirit. I want to be there for my children when they come home from school. I want to be at home when they are young to teach them so many things in those crucial early years. I want to be the mom who takes them to storytime. I want to be home when my husband returns from work, and make every effort to be there for him as he needs it. I know what a full day of work can do to a person. I know how tiring it is. The need to unwind. I don't want us to deal with that at the same time as trying to take care of the kids. I want to fully be his support when he returns. I want to hear about his day if he wants or needs to share it. I want to have dinner waiting for him so he can sit and relax and begin to unwind. I know that all seems rosy-colored and there would be days of him coming home when I was already at the end of my rope because of the kids. But you know what? I see that in all of my married, stay-at-home mother friends. And I still want it.

I love the challenge of my job. I love that there is always something new and different to deal with. But I have forever wanted the challenge and joy of being my husband's wife, and being my children's mother.

So, why go up the ladder when I know that at some point I will very willingly jump off of it?

True, I cannot base my decisions on "If/When I get married." If I'd done that, I would have no Master's degree and would be struggling in lower end jobs rather than be in the 2nd-choice career that brings me so much happiness. And who knows how long I will continue on the single road? I would hope more than anything that it isn't long. But I cannot guarantee. I cannot know. And I cannot hold back my life on the hope. That's not how life works. We go on with it and when a change comes along, that's when we deal with it.

It worries me that I will go through with the decision to climb. That we--because it wouldn't be just me involved--such a decision would affect an entire library branch as well as admin staff and my current counterparts at other branches AND all the patrons I serve--would go through so much trouble, effort, etc. to get me to that position, only for me to leave it as soon as the first baby was born.

I have considered over the last years keeping my toe in the water by being a sub librarian when I am a mother, because it would keep me up with all the changes in the library world, and still give me a taste of something that has given me joy and fulfillment for the last 16 years. My Wife 4 Life Dazzle, if you will. And then should I ever need to return to work because of unforeseen circumstances, I'd still be in the game and be ready to go back easily.

But staying with the job full time? No. I want to be at home with my babies. With my husband when he is not working.

Do I really want to go through all that moving up, just to give it up?

Yet do I let my 2 greatest dreams that have no timeline or prospects control my life now?

There is living in hope, but there is also not sure how to live because of that hope.