Yesterday I did something stupid. Here I've spent months trying to "Close the Back Door," and then I just opened it wide and shouted out "Hello there!!!" I have immediately been trying to close it again. And while it was really stupid of me, it certainly was glorious. Fun, enjoyable, memorable. I laughed so much. I made him laugh! (That surprised me.) There was always easy, ready conversation. He could dance--which made the fun twice what it could have been. And it was so easy and natural to just be relaxed and be myself!
The problem with opening that door and then closing it reminds me of exactly what I've been looking for in a relationship--and seeing that it actually exists somewhere. But there have been so few in my life where I have felt this way. And I have to grasp so tightly to the faint, usually fleeting hope that I can find this yet again with some other man--but one who will feel the same way in return. That is a very, very difficult hope to hold on to. Which is why Closing the back door hurts. But I'm only hurting myself more if I don't. The last 5 months have already proved that.
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