Heavenly Father is the best. Always. He wanted me to make my (recent) decision, but He didn't want me to feel guilty or telling myself how awful I am. I was able to attend a free seminar this early evening from a Dating coach/matchmaker/whatever her title from Toronto who spoke on The 3 Mistakes Women Make in Dating. It all came together within the last week, and I first heard of it just a few days ago while I was in the middle of figuring out my own current situation. I felt prompted to do it, in spite of other plans that had been forming for the day.
So I registered. And I went. And it was absolutely everything I've been needing to hear I couldn't believe that every single word she spoke was applicable and eye-opening. And I spoke with her 1-on-1 because of one last bit of confusion that I still had on my part. I was able to leave with complete peace about the decision I made a couple of days ago. No guilt. No feeling like I'm an awful person. Complete understanding and acceptance. And a reassurance that I needed to take care of that tonight and not wait until the next time he asked me on a date.
I feel just as the Lord would want me to--at peace, happy, and ready to keep going. To close the back door and get off the sidelines. I love how well He knows me and puts just what I need in my path right when I need it.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Friday, October 23, 2015
A Stupor of Thought--and Feelings and More
I've had a rough week. It is ending with me 90% making a decision about dating a guy, which brings peace yet guilt. In the 3 months we've known each other, we've managed 3 dates. Of course, those dates actually took place within 3 weeks of each other, since the first half of our knowing each other was too busy for either of us to go on a date. A fourth could have taken place, but busy schedules still conflict. And now for me, there is something else to consider. I've been trying this whole time to just relax, practice, and not worry or overanalyze or get too excited. Yet it has come to my notice that during this whole 3 months, I've never been excited. I was excited to finally get a 3rd date after so many years, but it wasn't because of the guy I was going with. And I felt that even though I shouldn't be over-analyzing, I should probably at least make an analysis of some kind. My dating coach says you usually can tell within the 1st 6 dates. Reaching a 4th date and finding myself unexcited, slightly bored, and feeling no connection should be saying something, right?
Yet therein lies the guilt. "On paper," this guy is exactly what I'm looking for. He's active in the Church because he wants to be. He is a temple worker, he does a lot of service, he fulfills his calling, he's served a mission, he's a gentleman, he is musical (in talent and in interests). I've learned a lot of the basics about him, which I can infer some of the deeper stuff from. But we haven't touched much on the deep stuff. Our 3 dates have been to things that don't allow much talking at. (That has always irked me ever since Mr. Freshman Year when 8 of our 9 dates were to things like that.) We would get a little to and from the activity, but not much until the last date when we finally had a (according to this introvert) real conversation. After that date, it was the only time I felt any excitement or interest. Which lasted a couple of days.
Because in between dates? Our conversation--all through text, another extremely irksome thing to me but I went with it because of our crazy, busy schedules--was paltry at most. There was absolutely no depth. It started to get predictable--I could guess what day and time he was going to send a text, and exactly what he was going to ask. And the questions were always extremely basic, not inviting much depth. And when I returned questions to get depth from him, I got a few word answers instead. I blame part of the lack of a connection for me on these trivial conversations that felt more of a "by the way I'm still here, are you?" I realized each time I actually saw him in person, it felt like a first date all over again because it was dying in between.
I wasn't really sure what he was wanting or why/how/if he was interested and to what degree except that it was a date to pass the time and there were no other options to be had right now. I honestly don't know. And if I'm being fully honest, I might as well also say that until the one tiny spark at the end of the 3rd date that quickly died out, there wasn't much interest on my part. All of these things that I was learning should have made me excited, right? Should have had me excited that I was finding things I've been looking for and been trying to be, right? Yet it wasn't there. And my dating coach has been teaching me to match the man's efforts, because in the past I've done it all wrong and just gone for it, tried to kindle flames from sparks, tried to encourage things. In essence, taking full control of the relationship and investing so much while the man was investing little to nothing. I didn't want to make that mistake. So I was waiting to see his interest and investment. Too much space and mostly silence with an occasional "how's it going" wasn't much to make me feel a lot of interest in me or investment.
So here I've been all week with every conflicting emotion, thought, and years of lessons racing at me (whether from my dating coach, all my failed previous attempts, dating blogs, LDS apostles' counsel, and examples I've seen in so many friends and family). Some of these have included
*Don't put too much thought into it.
*Just let things be.
*Relax. Open yourself up to options.
*'Sparks' can come with time.
*Physical attraction can come with time.
*It's only been a few dates, it takes time.
I have let all of these things guide me during the last 3 months. And yet it all boils down to the fact that I really couldn't care if I never saw this guy again. I'm not excited about him, I'm not excited about getting to know him, and I really have no interest in spending more time with him or getting to know more about him. Which leads me to believe that I am a terrible, horrible, awful person. I can't nail down any specific reasons except two would never "hold up in court."
1) I feel no connection with him
2) I believe the Spirit is OKing it
I hear the voices telling me I haven't given it enough time and effort to feel a connection. But I feel to disagree. In fact, I think I've been trying to force a connection because on paper everything looks right. It should be something I want and feel excited about, so I must make a connection somehow. But that hasn't worked. And it has actually led to at some points feeling like I would throw up, and complete emotional upheaval or unsettling. The last time I felt so unsettled was when I was trying to make my first mission decision in 2003. I kept making some decision that involved me going on a mission. As soon as I made the decision, I would start to get all upset inside. Couldn't concentrate on anything (mission related or not). I felt confused and upset and frustrated. After 4 or 5 different decisions, I finally made one that did not involve a mission in the near future. There was immediate peace and calm. I learned a great lesson of what "a stupor of thought" means. And it is exactly what I've been going through the last week, even more than that. I have been trying to figure out every way I could try to give him a chance, a better chance, a more informed chance by letting him know about the paltry texts killing any possible connection. But, even if that were fixed, that doesn't mean that suddenly a connection would take place. A connection might not be there because there is absolutely no chemistry between us. I compare him with previous men I've dated and there are stark differences in feelings and reactions and emotions.
And I've been praying for a good solid week on everything in relation to this. I finally got an answer a couple of days ago that, like Elder McConkie's Agency or Inspiration talk, it was completely my decision. What did I want? Make my choice and go to the Lord with it. So when I finally told him yesterday morning that I really did not want anything to do with this guy, that peace and calm came with it. And just like with the mission decision, there was guilt accompanying it. Because with that decision, I knew many in the LDS world would judge me. But even worse, I knew my family would be disappointed and questioning. I spent years having to deal with my mother's disapproval and lack of understanding when I wished that she could trust my personal revelation. But in spite of what the world thought, I had to go with what had been revealed to me upon my decision.
It is the same now. My two friends that I've kept in the loop on this look at me like I'm crazy. They support what I choose, but neither can see why I'm throwing away a perfectly good match. And if I were to listen to them as well as all those previous experiences/lessons voices, I would give in and stick with it. But I ignored the Spirit on a matter of dating once before, with Mr. Freshman Year. I spent a year of very difficult emotions trying to move past him and our very rocky break up because I did not listen at the beginning. I have to trust in my peace that I'm feeling, however guilty I feel with it because I have no "logical" answer if someone were to ask "why?"
And yet in spite of knowing what my choice is, and feeling at peace with it, I still think I'm an awful person. That there is something still wrong with me. That I'm not applying Alma 32 somehow.
Trusting in one's own faith, one's own decisions, and one's personal revelation is a lot harder than we usually think about.
Yet therein lies the guilt. "On paper," this guy is exactly what I'm looking for. He's active in the Church because he wants to be. He is a temple worker, he does a lot of service, he fulfills his calling, he's served a mission, he's a gentleman, he is musical (in talent and in interests). I've learned a lot of the basics about him, which I can infer some of the deeper stuff from. But we haven't touched much on the deep stuff. Our 3 dates have been to things that don't allow much talking at. (That has always irked me ever since Mr. Freshman Year when 8 of our 9 dates were to things like that.) We would get a little to and from the activity, but not much until the last date when we finally had a (according to this introvert) real conversation. After that date, it was the only time I felt any excitement or interest. Which lasted a couple of days.
Because in between dates? Our conversation--all through text, another extremely irksome thing to me but I went with it because of our crazy, busy schedules--was paltry at most. There was absolutely no depth. It started to get predictable--I could guess what day and time he was going to send a text, and exactly what he was going to ask. And the questions were always extremely basic, not inviting much depth. And when I returned questions to get depth from him, I got a few word answers instead. I blame part of the lack of a connection for me on these trivial conversations that felt more of a "by the way I'm still here, are you?" I realized each time I actually saw him in person, it felt like a first date all over again because it was dying in between.
I wasn't really sure what he was wanting or why/how/if he was interested and to what degree except that it was a date to pass the time and there were no other options to be had right now. I honestly don't know. And if I'm being fully honest, I might as well also say that until the one tiny spark at the end of the 3rd date that quickly died out, there wasn't much interest on my part. All of these things that I was learning should have made me excited, right? Should have had me excited that I was finding things I've been looking for and been trying to be, right? Yet it wasn't there. And my dating coach has been teaching me to match the man's efforts, because in the past I've done it all wrong and just gone for it, tried to kindle flames from sparks, tried to encourage things. In essence, taking full control of the relationship and investing so much while the man was investing little to nothing. I didn't want to make that mistake. So I was waiting to see his interest and investment. Too much space and mostly silence with an occasional "how's it going" wasn't much to make me feel a lot of interest in me or investment.
So here I've been all week with every conflicting emotion, thought, and years of lessons racing at me (whether from my dating coach, all my failed previous attempts, dating blogs, LDS apostles' counsel, and examples I've seen in so many friends and family). Some of these have included
*Don't put too much thought into it.
*Just let things be.
*Relax. Open yourself up to options.
*'Sparks' can come with time.
*Physical attraction can come with time.
*It's only been a few dates, it takes time.
I have let all of these things guide me during the last 3 months. And yet it all boils down to the fact that I really couldn't care if I never saw this guy again. I'm not excited about him, I'm not excited about getting to know him, and I really have no interest in spending more time with him or getting to know more about him. Which leads me to believe that I am a terrible, horrible, awful person. I can't nail down any specific reasons except two would never "hold up in court."
1) I feel no connection with him
2) I believe the Spirit is OKing it
I hear the voices telling me I haven't given it enough time and effort to feel a connection. But I feel to disagree. In fact, I think I've been trying to force a connection because on paper everything looks right. It should be something I want and feel excited about, so I must make a connection somehow. But that hasn't worked. And it has actually led to at some points feeling like I would throw up, and complete emotional upheaval or unsettling. The last time I felt so unsettled was when I was trying to make my first mission decision in 2003. I kept making some decision that involved me going on a mission. As soon as I made the decision, I would start to get all upset inside. Couldn't concentrate on anything (mission related or not). I felt confused and upset and frustrated. After 4 or 5 different decisions, I finally made one that did not involve a mission in the near future. There was immediate peace and calm. I learned a great lesson of what "a stupor of thought" means. And it is exactly what I've been going through the last week, even more than that. I have been trying to figure out every way I could try to give him a chance, a better chance, a more informed chance by letting him know about the paltry texts killing any possible connection. But, even if that were fixed, that doesn't mean that suddenly a connection would take place. A connection might not be there because there is absolutely no chemistry between us. I compare him with previous men I've dated and there are stark differences in feelings and reactions and emotions.
And I've been praying for a good solid week on everything in relation to this. I finally got an answer a couple of days ago that, like Elder McConkie's Agency or Inspiration talk, it was completely my decision. What did I want? Make my choice and go to the Lord with it. So when I finally told him yesterday morning that I really did not want anything to do with this guy, that peace and calm came with it. And just like with the mission decision, there was guilt accompanying it. Because with that decision, I knew many in the LDS world would judge me. But even worse, I knew my family would be disappointed and questioning. I spent years having to deal with my mother's disapproval and lack of understanding when I wished that she could trust my personal revelation. But in spite of what the world thought, I had to go with what had been revealed to me upon my decision.
It is the same now. My two friends that I've kept in the loop on this look at me like I'm crazy. They support what I choose, but neither can see why I'm throwing away a perfectly good match. And if I were to listen to them as well as all those previous experiences/lessons voices, I would give in and stick with it. But I ignored the Spirit on a matter of dating once before, with Mr. Freshman Year. I spent a year of very difficult emotions trying to move past him and our very rocky break up because I did not listen at the beginning. I have to trust in my peace that I'm feeling, however guilty I feel with it because I have no "logical" answer if someone were to ask "why?"
And yet in spite of knowing what my choice is, and feeling at peace with it, I still think I'm an awful person. That there is something still wrong with me. That I'm not applying Alma 32 somehow.
Trusting in one's own faith, one's own decisions, and one's personal revelation is a lot harder than we usually think about.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
My Material Prized Possession
I had the most perfect ringlets in my hair today--all completely natural! It's so nice when a girl can look cute for the Sabbath, for General Conference, and for her date. :-)
Also, I just took my hair down (since part of it was swept up in a twisty updo)--and I have the perfect Agent Carter hairdo. It's a sign--I should do that costume again.
Also, I just took my hair down (since part of it was swept up in a twisty updo)--and I have the perfect Agent Carter hairdo. It's a sign--I should do that costume again.
I CAN count to 3!!
A third date today.
I haven't been on one of those in 15 years.
Not sure if I should celebrate or cry. Or both.
But the reality? I'm laughing.
Seems to be the better and easier option.
I haven't been on one of those in 15 years.
Not sure if I should celebrate or cry. Or both.
But the reality? I'm laughing.
Seems to be the better and easier option.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
33 Reflections of (Possibly) Why I'm 33 and Single
I felt "my list" deserved its own entry. This list's creation is an inspiration from Liz and an opportunity of self-reflection and reminiscing for me. Please remember the linked to entry lest you think I'm a whiner or making excuses or truthfully harsh.
33. I had one date in high school. My senior prom. My date already had a girlfriend. He was kind and wanted to make sure I got to go to my prom (though I'd already planned to go as a single with a group of friends and their dates). It was a very sweet gesture, and the date was fine. Though awkward.
32. One date in high school didn't give me a lot of chances for practicing in that area of life, but it wasn't a surprise or disappointment to me that I wasn't asked, as our family moved just a few weeks before my 16th birthday. All the guy friends I knew who could have asked me out were now 8 hours away. I was in a very new place with even fewer LDS people than where I'd lived previously. My standards stood out and the boys there respected them, which meant they would not ask me out either.
31. In my dating-eligible years of high school, one of the guys I liked immediately left on his mission and was gone the whole two years I was there. The other guys I liked were all younger--some of them not eligible to date until after I'd left for college. Yep, even then my attraction to younger men was defeating my purposes.
30. Yes, I have often been attracted to younger men. Usually it has been within 3 or 4 years, but recently more have been 5 years younger, and a very few have been 7 and even 10 years younger. Yes, I'm a cougar--I'm a BYU alumni and that is our mascot. No, I'm not a cougar by the term that has come into society. Why must people insult me when I'm attracted to men who have a love for life, ambition, focus, direction, and fun when many of the men my age are just bumps on a log making no efforts with life or with dating. It is small wonder that the younger men who haven't become jaded are more attractive. Yet those younger men must look at me as some washed-up old maid who has been passed over by men for some reason or another--because that is exactly what it feels like.
29. Unfortunately I have a fine line between what is too fast in a relationship, and what is too slow. I have learned that is a part of my introverted nature, but I'm not really sure how to explain that in the early phases of dating without convincing the guy even more of my off-the-wall idiosyncrasies.
28. I had a fake fiance once. We'll just leave that one there.
27. Pretty sure my love language is touch. Yet I'm very conservative and reserved when it comes to that part of the relationship, preferring to keep it from entering a relationship until much farther down the line. That has been a blessing and a hinderance in every case over the years. (Yet in spite of some recent dating advice, I'm still going to hold to my guns on that, because I very much believe this.)
26. I'm pretty strict in my budget and finances for most things, and life was really tight for a few years. Which means I use money for necessities and new clothes aren't always a necessity. Unfortunately that means frump and feeling blah can happen a lot in the (outdated--meaning 7+ years) clothing area.
25. I have a lot of physical issues that make me self-conscious and have me thinking others see it, too. It could be affecting my physical attraction level to men. I don't know. But it definitely affects my self-esteem.
24. I once had a date that only occurred because we were proving a point to each other. The irony is that I'd had a huge crush on the guy and went through an embarrassingly and (for me) elaborate asking him to Preference only to wait 5 days and then be rejected because he's just started dating another girl. You'd think finally going on a date would have fed the crush. But the crush was 18 months previous, and his rejection had thoroughly crushed the crush.
23. I had (have?) a bad habit of telling guys who I'm pretty sure aren't interested in me that I'm interested in them and just want to hear for sure how they feel so I can remove all trace of hope. I've learned from my dating coach this isn't recommended....
22. This previously listed bad habit has now morphed to asking guys whom I'm pretty sure aren't interested in me out on dates so I don't ruin my chances with the ones who might actually be interested. I'm thinking this might still not be wise....
21. I come across as settled, or too adult. <As an infamous eye roller, you need to insert an eye roll here>
20. Mr. Best Friend was 5 years of my life. 5 years during my eligible dating years. That's almost 1/3 of those years.
19. In my 17 years of eligible dating years, I spent 3 of them living where there were only about 5 worthy and worthwhile (meaning they had jobs, and they happily lived the Gospel wholeheartedly) men to date in my branch/immediate area, and 4 years where there were 0 eligible men in the immediate area (and about 50 in the entire state).
18. Generally, I either don't inspire 2nd dates with guys I would like to have those with, but do inspire them with guys that a first was enough for me.
17. I have a Dating Coach now. The last 2 years I've spent learning all of the things I've been doing wrong the previous 15 years. I concur with her motto: "It's not you, it's your technique."
16. I had a reverse adolescence. Everyone went through an "eek" phase as a teen and grew out of it by the time they were a young adult. My teen years were rather "meh" and then suddenly as a young adult, I started to go through "eek." I didn't figure out hair, make-up, clothes until I finished graduate school. I had just turned 25.
15. I had a second date with a guy that was a complete misunderstanding, but I didn't have the heart to clear up the mistake.
14. I had a man who was very much interested in dating me, until he found out that some times I donate my hair. He told me that just showed where my priorities in marriage were. :-O
13. There was one guy during my high school dating years, close to my age, whom I was really interested in. I thought he was interested in me. We got along so well, and I soon learned that the ward thought we were dating! I figured out his feelings when I learned at a ward dance that he wasn't coming--because he'd asked some other girl to his school dance.
12. After a discussion and agreement with a man that I'd been on one date with that we were not exclusive, he continued to contact me every day, and follow me around like a puppy (no exaggeration--every where I went!!) at 2 church activities. When he confronted me about not seeming to enjoy this behavior, I reminded him that we'd agreed we were not going to be exclusive, that I needed some space, as my personality type tends to need. He chose not to reply, but his responding action was to completely avoid and ignore me while obviously pursuing another woman in front of all our mutual friends. I guess his definition of space meant "we're done."
11. I once hit it off very well with a guy who had just come home from his mission. I thought he was interested in me. As fast as we started to hit it off, he completely dropped all contact with me when he left to be a salesperson in another city. I learned later from his sister that he was interested, but (not knowing the full story) thought that Mr. Best Friend and I would make a much better couple. So he dropped his pursuit of me and told Mr. Best Friend to date me, which, obviously, never happened.
10. I am a desirable target for Ghosting.
9. I am a desirable choice for "We're just friends, but I need someone to go on a date with me so you'll have to do" dates.
8. My self-definition is that I am a sentimental, melodramatic, stubborn, hopeless romantic. That reason could stand alone and condemn me.
7. I never have a clue what I'm doing, and pretty sure that everything I do is not the right thing. Too much, not enough? Right time, wrong time? It's all a game--and I hate playing it! #WelcomeToDating
8. I let myself get too attached too easily to men I barely knew, who (now I can see) obviously had no interest whatsoever in me.
7. I get too excited too soon about possibilities and What Could Be's when I need to just relax and have fun. (This would be one of the biggest lessons I'm trying to learn from my Dating Coach.)
6. I have always been attracted to the kind of men who would never pay me a second thought. I'm doing my utmost to go more with the Top Ten Categories that my Dating Coach has counseled me to do. Two years is still a little too early to tell, and unfortunately the attractions for the Out of My Reach still occur.
5. I have a "terrible" introvert/hermit nature that would much rather stay home than put myself out there among strangers. There were definite times during my dating years when I just checked out of society. And those times lasted much longer than they should, hence my fierce determination to stay in it right now, even though I'm exhausted!
4. There was a guy I met at a party a few years ago. It was instant interest on my side. I met and began liking him before my other friends, but as they met him, they began to like him, too. One dropped out of the running, but the other, my roommate, was still interested. She was doing nothing to advance that, while I was. I even asked the man on a date. After a nice date, he walked me to my door. I could have let him say goodnight, and that probably would have been the end of everything. On reflection, I still wish I'd left it. But I knew my roommate was interested, so I invited him in for ice cream so she could have a chance to talk with him and get to know him as well. He was visiting with us for another 3 hours, which led to a year of "aaaaaaah!!!" for the both of us. I suppose if I'd left it, it all would have worked itself into some other part of our life. Still, why am I kind like that?
3. I had a Skype date with a guy who refuted every opinion I had on mutual books we'd read. I knew there would NEVER be a chance for us when he told me that Mr. Collins was the real hero of Pride & Prejudice.
2. I'm told I'm intimidating, where ever that comes from. I direct you here for my defense (warning: some foul language contained).
1. It's a part of God's plan which I learn a little more of each day and which I put my faith and trust in.
Last words (for now): There's so much more I could say. Some of this is facetious. Some of it is speculation. Some of it is truth. Some of it is, who knows. 17 years of dating (or not dating) brings a lot of experiences, thoughts, and lessons to learn. I think the most important thing is that at my current situation, right now, I'm happy. I love my life. I love what I have learned. I love what I have ahead of me. I recently learned something in my marriage class that definitely applies to dating: Be ready for Failure, Frustration, and Forgiveness. It will always be there. These reflections show that the 3 F's have flowed throughout my dating experiences--both on my side and on all the men's sides. I only have more room to grow, and I will stay at that.
33. I had one date in high school. My senior prom. My date already had a girlfriend. He was kind and wanted to make sure I got to go to my prom (though I'd already planned to go as a single with a group of friends and their dates). It was a very sweet gesture, and the date was fine. Though awkward.
32. One date in high school didn't give me a lot of chances for practicing in that area of life, but it wasn't a surprise or disappointment to me that I wasn't asked, as our family moved just a few weeks before my 16th birthday. All the guy friends I knew who could have asked me out were now 8 hours away. I was in a very new place with even fewer LDS people than where I'd lived previously. My standards stood out and the boys there respected them, which meant they would not ask me out either.
31. In my dating-eligible years of high school, one of the guys I liked immediately left on his mission and was gone the whole two years I was there. The other guys I liked were all younger--some of them not eligible to date until after I'd left for college. Yep, even then my attraction to younger men was defeating my purposes.
30. Yes, I have often been attracted to younger men. Usually it has been within 3 or 4 years, but recently more have been 5 years younger, and a very few have been 7 and even 10 years younger. Yes, I'm a cougar--I'm a BYU alumni and that is our mascot. No, I'm not a cougar by the term that has come into society. Why must people insult me when I'm attracted to men who have a love for life, ambition, focus, direction, and fun when many of the men my age are just bumps on a log making no efforts with life or with dating. It is small wonder that the younger men who haven't become jaded are more attractive. Yet those younger men must look at me as some washed-up old maid who has been passed over by men for some reason or another--because that is exactly what it feels like.
29. Unfortunately I have a fine line between what is too fast in a relationship, and what is too slow. I have learned that is a part of my introverted nature, but I'm not really sure how to explain that in the early phases of dating without convincing the guy even more of my off-the-wall idiosyncrasies.
28. I had a fake fiance once. We'll just leave that one there.
27. Pretty sure my love language is touch. Yet I'm very conservative and reserved when it comes to that part of the relationship, preferring to keep it from entering a relationship until much farther down the line. That has been a blessing and a hinderance in every case over the years. (Yet in spite of some recent dating advice, I'm still going to hold to my guns on that, because I very much believe this.)
26. I'm pretty strict in my budget and finances for most things, and life was really tight for a few years. Which means I use money for necessities and new clothes aren't always a necessity. Unfortunately that means frump and feeling blah can happen a lot in the (outdated--meaning 7+ years) clothing area.
25. I have a lot of physical issues that make me self-conscious and have me thinking others see it, too. It could be affecting my physical attraction level to men. I don't know. But it definitely affects my self-esteem.
24. I once had a date that only occurred because we were proving a point to each other. The irony is that I'd had a huge crush on the guy and went through an embarrassingly and (for me) elaborate asking him to Preference only to wait 5 days and then be rejected because he's just started dating another girl. You'd think finally going on a date would have fed the crush. But the crush was 18 months previous, and his rejection had thoroughly crushed the crush.
23. I had (have?) a bad habit of telling guys who I'm pretty sure aren't interested in me that I'm interested in them and just want to hear for sure how they feel so I can remove all trace of hope. I've learned from my dating coach this isn't recommended....
22. This previously listed bad habit has now morphed to asking guys whom I'm pretty sure aren't interested in me out on dates so I don't ruin my chances with the ones who might actually be interested. I'm thinking this might still not be wise....
21. I come across as settled, or too adult. <As an infamous eye roller, you need to insert an eye roll here>
20. Mr. Best Friend was 5 years of my life. 5 years during my eligible dating years. That's almost 1/3 of those years.
19. In my 17 years of eligible dating years, I spent 3 of them living where there were only about 5 worthy and worthwhile (meaning they had jobs, and they happily lived the Gospel wholeheartedly) men to date in my branch/immediate area, and 4 years where there were 0 eligible men in the immediate area (and about 50 in the entire state).
18. Generally, I either don't inspire 2nd dates with guys I would like to have those with, but do inspire them with guys that a first was enough for me.
17. I have a Dating Coach now. The last 2 years I've spent learning all of the things I've been doing wrong the previous 15 years. I concur with her motto: "It's not you, it's your technique."
16. I had a reverse adolescence. Everyone went through an "eek" phase as a teen and grew out of it by the time they were a young adult. My teen years were rather "meh" and then suddenly as a young adult, I started to go through "eek." I didn't figure out hair, make-up, clothes until I finished graduate school. I had just turned 25.
15. I had a second date with a guy that was a complete misunderstanding, but I didn't have the heart to clear up the mistake.
14. I had a man who was very much interested in dating me, until he found out that some times I donate my hair. He told me that just showed where my priorities in marriage were. :-O
13. There was one guy during my high school dating years, close to my age, whom I was really interested in. I thought he was interested in me. We got along so well, and I soon learned that the ward thought we were dating! I figured out his feelings when I learned at a ward dance that he wasn't coming--because he'd asked some other girl to his school dance.
12. After a discussion and agreement with a man that I'd been on one date with that we were not exclusive, he continued to contact me every day, and follow me around like a puppy (no exaggeration--every where I went!!) at 2 church activities. When he confronted me about not seeming to enjoy this behavior, I reminded him that we'd agreed we were not going to be exclusive, that I needed some space, as my personality type tends to need. He chose not to reply, but his responding action was to completely avoid and ignore me while obviously pursuing another woman in front of all our mutual friends. I guess his definition of space meant "we're done."
11. I once hit it off very well with a guy who had just come home from his mission. I thought he was interested in me. As fast as we started to hit it off, he completely dropped all contact with me when he left to be a salesperson in another city. I learned later from his sister that he was interested, but (not knowing the full story) thought that Mr. Best Friend and I would make a much better couple. So he dropped his pursuit of me and told Mr. Best Friend to date me, which, obviously, never happened.
10. I am a desirable target for Ghosting.
9. I am a desirable choice for "We're just friends, but I need someone to go on a date with me so you'll have to do" dates.
8. My self-definition is that I am a sentimental, melodramatic, stubborn, hopeless romantic. That reason could stand alone and condemn me.
7. I never have a clue what I'm doing, and pretty sure that everything I do is not the right thing. Too much, not enough? Right time, wrong time? It's all a game--and I hate playing it! #WelcomeToDating
8. I let myself get too attached too easily to men I barely knew, who (now I can see) obviously had no interest whatsoever in me.
7. I get too excited too soon about possibilities and What Could Be's when I need to just relax and have fun. (This would be one of the biggest lessons I'm trying to learn from my Dating Coach.)
6. I have always been attracted to the kind of men who would never pay me a second thought. I'm doing my utmost to go more with the Top Ten Categories that my Dating Coach has counseled me to do. Two years is still a little too early to tell, and unfortunately the attractions for the Out of My Reach still occur.
5. I have a "terrible" introvert/hermit nature that would much rather stay home than put myself out there among strangers. There were definite times during my dating years when I just checked out of society. And those times lasted much longer than they should, hence my fierce determination to stay in it right now, even though I'm exhausted!
4. There was a guy I met at a party a few years ago. It was instant interest on my side. I met and began liking him before my other friends, but as they met him, they began to like him, too. One dropped out of the running, but the other, my roommate, was still interested. She was doing nothing to advance that, while I was. I even asked the man on a date. After a nice date, he walked me to my door. I could have let him say goodnight, and that probably would have been the end of everything. On reflection, I still wish I'd left it. But I knew my roommate was interested, so I invited him in for ice cream so she could have a chance to talk with him and get to know him as well. He was visiting with us for another 3 hours, which led to a year of "aaaaaaah!!!" for the both of us. I suppose if I'd left it, it all would have worked itself into some other part of our life. Still, why am I kind like that?
3. I had a Skype date with a guy who refuted every opinion I had on mutual books we'd read. I knew there would NEVER be a chance for us when he told me that Mr. Collins was the real hero of Pride & Prejudice.
2. I'm told I'm intimidating, where ever that comes from. I direct you here for my defense (warning: some foul language contained).
1. It's a part of God's plan which I learn a little more of each day and which I put my faith and trust in.
Last words (for now): There's so much more I could say. Some of this is facetious. Some of it is speculation. Some of it is truth. Some of it is, who knows. 17 years of dating (or not dating) brings a lot of experiences, thoughts, and lessons to learn. I think the most important thing is that at my current situation, right now, I'm happy. I love my life. I love what I have learned. I love what I have ahead of me. I recently learned something in my marriage class that definitely applies to dating: Be ready for Failure, Frustration, and Forgiveness. It will always be there. These reflections show that the 3 F's have flowed throughout my dating experiences--both on my side and on all the men's sides. I only have more room to grow, and I will stay at that.
Elder Hales' Counsel - in cutesy pics
Elder Hales' talk in today's LDS General Conference was perfect for those of us in the single world. I loved his counsel. So I created some quote pics of some of the fabulous things he said. Definitely a talk worth reading many times. I added a few of my thoughts prefacing each quote.
Always keep in mind.
It's a necessity. Live with it.
Not for movies! Which reminds me of a fabulous CES Fireside that Elder Scott gave a few years ago. Don't go on dates where you can't talk! Frustrates me. Especially as I really learned that with Mr. First (aka my first boyfriend, the man I dated my Freshman year at BYU). We had 9 dates. 7 of those involved sitting through a movie/musical function which we could not speak to each other. We were lucky that we worked together and had time there to talk to each other. But those dates, ug. All I wanted to do was talk to him and we couldn't.
(Note that she is a he in my case.)
What I am to focus on now.
For the Peter Pans, and the Polly Pans, too. I was very grateful that this was said, since my sorrow over the last few months boils down to the fact that Mr. April is a Peter Pan. This quote won't change my situation, but I'm relieved that I'm not the only one who has noticed this happening everywhere! And for my own lesson in it, now that, in my 30s, I'm finally getting dates, I need to make sure I don't just spend my time having fun or simply practicing. I need to date with the intention to move things along and not dragging my feet.
Extremely wise, especially considering all the divorcees I'm encountering whom I've heard say that they realized later that they didn't know the person very well.
Patience. Wait. Single to God. I can do this.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Amen
I came across this blog post yesterday, and it inspired me! In many ways. It also made me laugh, sympathize, empathize, and got me thinking. I want to create my own list. It will be part humorous, but all truthful. A good self-reflection, since I like to do that around my birthday. But I also loved what she had to say after her list. I quote a huge chunk of that, because she nailed it. It is exactly how I feel. So why put into words what she said perfectly? (I also highlighted the paragraph that currently resonates with me considering what I've recently been through, but everyone of these paragraphs has been a lesson learned/realized--often repeatedly--at some point or another.)
Here are her words, which I want you to add my testimony/belief/statement/agreement to:
Well, let's start off with the fact that I do want to get married. But I have struggled long and hard to realize that my singledom is actually my own choice. I am not a victim of circumstance nor am I even a pawn in some great malicious game God is playing. I have always had and still have my ability to choose. But I just haven't found someone who I would want to be married to and who would also want to be married to me.
-By Liz, http://lizstitt.blogspot.com/2015/09/30-reasons-why-im-still-single-at-age-30.html?utm_content=buffer1f612&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer
Here are her words, which I want you to add my testimony/belief/statement/agreement to:
Well, let's start off with the fact that I do want to get married. But I have struggled long and hard to realize that my singledom is actually my own choice. I am not a victim of circumstance nor am I even a pawn in some great malicious game God is playing. I have always had and still have my ability to choose. But I just haven't found someone who I would want to be married to and who would also want to be married to me.
Have I met guys before that I think I was compatible with? Yes. Did they think they were compatible with me? No. Has the reverse happened? Most definitely. But, I would be unhappy being married to someone I was unhappy with. And he would be unhappy with me in the reverse. So I'm grateful that I haven't just married to get rid of my single status. I'm looking to marry someone to build a relationship, life, and a family with. And that sometimes takes a little longer. And, no, I'm not looking for perfection, which is the next thing you were going to ask me. How could I honestly expect perfection when I'm a fruitcake myself?
And to those who think otherwise, being single is not a curse. I have an excellent career, wonderful callings in the Church, family and friends who surround me, plenty of opportunities to serve others, and in general, I lead a pretty good existence. Yes, I struggle with massive issues of perfectionism. Still. Every day. And you know what? I bet I would struggle with that being married as well. Do I sometimes feel lonely? Sure. So do married people. Marriage is not a "fix" for most problems and could even intensify them. I'm still in favor of it because there's the potential for greater joy as well. And because the family is central to God's plan. And because I love me a good man. (And because...childrenzzz!)
Overall, I know that God knows where I am. He knows what I am doing. And our plans are in sync. It's tempting to ask, "Why?" And sometimes I do. But when I ask "why?" the real answer is not, "Well, it's because you turned that one guy down on a third date." It's more like, "Remember that sister in your ward who you helped when she was lonely? I needed you there for her" or "Remember how you were available to help your family when there was an emergency? I needed you there to help."
I know I could certainly help and serve being married with children, and boy howdy, I fully intend to do so. But since I am where I am, I have chosen to do what God would have me do and be where He would have me be right now. In this moment. I am astounded nearly every day that if I choose to instead ask, "Am I doing what you want me to do?" the answer is, "Yes!" (except for when I am a basket case and beat up on myself emotionally. Or maybe not when I fail again and again at holding my tongue. You know what, though? Maybe even in those moments because those moments humble me and turn me to God and others. And to professional counseling. Hahaha...).
Does God want me to have my own family? Of course. Does He know I want a family? Assuredly. So we've got that covered. What else do I need to worry about?
I know I could certainly help and serve being married with children, and boy howdy, I fully intend to do so. But since I am where I am, I have chosen to do what God would have me do and be where He would have me be right now. In this moment. I am astounded nearly every day that if I choose to instead ask, "Am I doing what you want me to do?" the answer is, "Yes!" (except for when I am a basket case and beat up on myself emotionally. Or maybe not when I fail again and again at holding my tongue. You know what, though? Maybe even in those moments because those moments humble me and turn me to God and others. And to professional counseling. Hahaha...).
Does God want me to have my own family? Of course. Does He know I want a family? Assuredly. So we've got that covered. What else do I need to worry about?
I'll tell you what I worry about--working to believe Christ and trust in God. I work to be a better person and develop Christlike attributes. I work to love others more and serve others freely. I work to eliminate pride and bitterness from my soul. I work to avoid judgment and get rid of grudges.
I probably have a million "reasons" why I'm still single at 30. And maybe even some of them are legitimate enough that I need to change myself to be the kind of person that my future companion would want to marry. And if that's so, thank the heavens I've been given some extra time. And if it's just because God has other places for me to be, I'm so grateful for those other enriching and wonderful opportunities I've been given. And if, which I also suspect, God is just letting me figure it out, well, then, go ahead and try to set me up on a date. Just don't be surprised when I shake his hand, when he calls me too emotional, or when I blog about my frustrations with dating (side note: dating really IS the worst. No battle.).
God knows me. And he knows what I need. And he also knows what some future husband of mine needs. If the crazy who will want to marry me someday is anything of what I imagine him to be, he's also out there on his knees somewhere, praying that He can do all that God wants him to do. And he's out there serving and getting answers to his "why's" as well.
-By Liz, http://lizstitt.blogspot.com/2015/09/30-reasons-why-im-still-single-at-age-30.html?utm_content=buffer1f612&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer
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