33 Reflections of (Possibly) Why I'm 33 and Single

I felt "my list" deserved its own entry. This list's creation is an inspiration from Liz and an opportunity of self-reflection and reminiscing for me. Please remember the linked to entry lest you think I'm a whiner or making excuses or truthfully harsh.

33. I had one date in high school. My senior prom. My date already had a girlfriend. He was kind and wanted to make sure I got to go to my prom (though I'd already planned to go as a single with a group of friends and their dates). It was a very sweet gesture, and the date was fine. Though awkward.

32. One date in high school didn't give me a lot of chances for practicing in that area of life, but it wasn't a surprise or disappointment to me that I wasn't asked, as our family moved just a few weeks before my 16th birthday. All the guy friends I knew who could have asked me out were now 8 hours away. I was in a very new place with even fewer LDS people than where I'd lived previously. My standards stood out and the boys there respected them, which meant they would not ask me out either.

31. In my dating-eligible years of high school, one of the guys I liked immediately left on his mission and was gone the whole two years I was there. The other guys I liked were all younger--some of them not eligible to date until after I'd left for college. Yep, even then my attraction to younger men was defeating my purposes.

30. Yes, I have often been attracted to younger men. Usually it has been within 3 or 4 years, but recently more have been 5 years younger, and a very few have been 7 and even 10 years younger. Yes, I'm a cougar--I'm a BYU alumni and that is our mascot. No, I'm not a cougar by the term that has come into society. Why must people insult me when I'm attracted to men who have a love for life, ambition, focus, direction, and fun when many of the men my age are just bumps on a log making no efforts with life or with dating. It is small wonder that the younger men who haven't become jaded are more attractive. Yet those younger men must look at me as some washed-up old maid who has been passed over by men for some reason or another--because that is exactly what it feels like.

29. Unfortunately I have a fine line between what is too fast in a relationship, and what is too slow. I have learned that is a part of my introverted nature, but I'm not really sure how to explain that in the early phases of dating without convincing the guy even more of my off-the-wall idiosyncrasies.

28. I had a fake fiance once. We'll just leave that one there.

27. Pretty sure my love language is touch. Yet I'm very conservative and reserved when it comes to that part of the relationship, preferring to keep it from entering a relationship until much farther down the line. That has been a blessing and a hinderance in every case over the years. (Yet in spite of some recent dating advice, I'm still going to hold to my guns on that, because I very much believe this.)

26. I'm pretty strict in my budget and finances for most things, and life was really tight for a few years. Which means I use money for necessities and new clothes aren't always a necessity. Unfortunately that means frump and feeling blah can happen a lot in the (outdated--meaning 7+ years) clothing area.

25. I have a lot of physical issues that make me self-conscious and have me thinking others see it, too. It could be affecting my physical attraction level to men. I don't know. But it definitely affects my self-esteem.

24. I once had a date that only occurred because we were proving a point to each other. The irony is that I'd had a huge crush on the guy and went through an embarrassingly and (for me) elaborate asking him to Preference only to wait 5 days and then be rejected because he's just started dating another girl. You'd think finally going on a date would have fed the crush. But the crush was 18 months previous, and his rejection had thoroughly crushed the crush.

23. I had (have?) a bad habit of telling guys who I'm pretty sure aren't interested in me that I'm interested in them and just want to hear for sure how they feel so I can remove all trace of hope. I've learned from my dating coach this isn't recommended....

22. This previously listed bad habit has now morphed to asking guys whom I'm pretty sure aren't interested in me out on dates so I don't ruin my chances with the ones who might actually be interested. I'm thinking this might still not be wise....

21. I come across as settled, or too adult. <As an infamous eye roller, you need to insert an eye roll here>

20. Mr. Best Friend was 5 years of my life. 5 years during my eligible dating years. That's almost 1/3 of those years.

19. In my 17 years of eligible dating years, I spent 3 of them living where there were only about 5 worthy and worthwhile (meaning they had jobs, and they happily lived the Gospel wholeheartedly) men to date in my branch/immediate area, and 4 years where there were 0 eligible men in the immediate area (and about 50 in the entire state).

18. Generally, I either don't inspire 2nd dates with guys I would like to have those with, but do inspire them with guys that a first was enough for me.

17. I have a Dating Coach now. The last 2 years I've spent learning all of the things I've been doing wrong the previous 15 years. I concur with her motto: "It's not you, it's your technique."

16. I had a reverse adolescence. Everyone went through an "eek" phase as a teen and grew out of it by the time they were a young adult. My teen years were rather "meh" and then suddenly as a young adult, I started to go through "eek." I didn't figure out hair, make-up, clothes until I finished graduate school. I had just turned 25.

15. I had a second date with a guy that was a complete misunderstanding, but I didn't have the heart to clear up the mistake.

14. I had a man who was very much interested in dating me, until he found out that some times I donate my hair. He told me that just showed where my priorities in marriage were. :-O

13. There was one guy during my high school dating years, close to my age, whom I was really interested in. I thought he was interested in me. We got along so well, and I soon learned that the ward thought we were dating! I figured out his feelings when I learned at a ward dance that he wasn't coming--because he'd asked some other girl to his school dance.

12. After a discussion and agreement with a man that I'd been on one date with that we were not exclusive, he continued to contact me every day, and follow me around like a puppy (no exaggeration--every where I went!!) at 2 church activities. When he confronted me about not seeming to enjoy this behavior, I reminded him that we'd agreed we were not going to be exclusive, that I needed some space, as my personality type tends to need. He chose not to reply, but his responding action was to completely avoid and ignore me while obviously pursuing another woman in front of all our mutual friends. I guess his definition of space meant "we're done."

11. I once hit it off very well with a guy who had just come home from his mission. I thought he was interested in me. As fast as we started to hit it off, he completely dropped all contact with me when he left to be a salesperson in another city. I learned later from his sister that he was interested, but (not knowing the full story) thought that Mr. Best Friend and I would make a much better couple. So he dropped his pursuit of me and told Mr. Best Friend to date me, which, obviously, never happened.

10. I am a desirable target for Ghosting.

9. I am a desirable choice for "We're just friends, but I need someone to go on a date with me so you'll have to do" dates.

8. My self-definition is that I am a sentimental, melodramatic, stubborn, hopeless romantic. That reason could stand alone and condemn me.

7. I never have a clue what I'm doing, and pretty sure that everything I do is not the right thing. Too much, not enough? Right time, wrong time? It's all a game--and I hate playing it! #WelcomeToDating

8. I let myself get too attached too easily to men I barely knew, who (now I can see) obviously had no interest whatsoever in me.

7. I get too excited too soon about possibilities and What Could Be's when I need to just relax and have fun. (This would be one of the biggest lessons I'm trying to learn from my Dating Coach.)

6. I have always been attracted to the kind of men who would never pay me a second thought. I'm doing my utmost to go more with the Top Ten Categories that my Dating Coach has counseled me to do. Two years is still a little too early to tell, and unfortunately the attractions for the Out of My Reach still occur.

5. I have a "terrible" introvert/hermit nature that would much rather stay home than put myself out there among strangers. There were definite times during my dating years when I just checked out of society. And those times lasted much longer than they should, hence my fierce determination to stay in it right now, even though I'm exhausted!

4. There was a guy I met at a party a few years ago. It was instant interest on my side. I met and began liking him before my other friends, but as they met him, they began to like him, too. One dropped out of the running, but the other, my roommate, was still interested. She was doing nothing to advance that, while I was. I even asked the man on a date. After a nice date, he walked me to my door. I could have let him say goodnight, and that probably would have been the end of everything. On reflection, I still wish I'd left it. But I knew my roommate was interested, so I invited him in for ice cream so she could have a chance to talk with him and get to know him as well. He was visiting with us for another 3 hours, which led to a year of "aaaaaaah!!!" for the both of us. I suppose if I'd left it, it all would have worked itself into some other part of our life. Still, why am I kind like that?

3. I had a Skype date with a guy who refuted every opinion I had on mutual books we'd read. I knew there would NEVER be a chance for us when he told me that Mr. Collins was the real hero of Pride & Prejudice.

2. I'm told I'm intimidating, where ever that comes from. I direct you here for my defense (warning: some foul language contained).

1. It's a part of God's plan which I learn a little more of each day and which I put my faith and trust in.

Last words (for now): There's so much more I could say. Some of this is facetious. Some of it is speculation. Some of it is truth. Some of it is, who knows. 17 years of dating (or not dating) brings a lot of experiences, thoughts, and lessons to learn. I think the most important thing is that at my current situation, right now, I'm happy. I love my life. I love what I have learned. I love what I have ahead of me. I recently learned something in my marriage class that definitely applies to dating: Be ready for Failure, Frustration, and Forgiveness. It will always be there. These reflections show that the 3 F's have flowed throughout my dating experiences--both on my side and on all the men's sides. I only have more room to grow, and I will stay at that.