I've had a rough week. It is ending with me 90% making a decision about dating a guy, which brings peace yet guilt. In the 3 months we've known each other, we've managed 3 dates. Of course, those dates actually took place within 3 weeks of each other, since the first half of our knowing each other was too busy for either of us to go on a date. A fourth could have taken place, but busy schedules still conflict. And now for me, there is something else to consider. I've been trying this whole time to just relax, practice, and not worry or overanalyze or get too excited. Yet it has come to my notice that during this whole 3 months, I've never been excited. I was excited to finally get a 3rd date after so many years, but it wasn't because of the guy I was going with. And I felt that even though I shouldn't be over-analyzing, I should probably at least make an analysis of some kind. My dating coach says you usually can tell within the 1st 6 dates. Reaching a 4th date and finding myself unexcited, slightly bored, and feeling no connection should be saying something, right?
Yet therein lies the guilt. "On paper," this guy is exactly what I'm looking for. He's active in the Church because he wants to be. He is a temple worker, he does a lot of service, he fulfills his calling, he's served a mission, he's a gentleman, he is musical (in talent and in interests). I've learned a lot of the basics about him, which I can infer some of the deeper stuff from. But we haven't touched much on the deep stuff. Our 3 dates have been to things that don't allow much talking at. (That has always irked me ever since Mr. Freshman Year when 8 of our 9 dates were to things like that.) We would get a little to and from the activity, but not much until the last date when we finally had a (according to this introvert) real conversation. After that date, it was the only time I felt any excitement or interest. Which lasted a couple of days.
Because in between dates? Our conversation--all through text, another extremely irksome thing to me but I went with it because of our crazy, busy schedules--was paltry at most. There was absolutely no depth. It started to get predictable--I could guess what day and time he was going to send a text, and exactly what he was going to ask. And the questions were always extremely basic, not inviting much depth. And when I returned questions to get depth from him, I got a few word answers instead. I blame part of the lack of a connection for me on these trivial conversations that felt more of a "by the way I'm still here, are you?" I realized each time I actually saw him in person, it felt like a first date all over again because it was dying in between.
I wasn't really sure what he was wanting or why/how/if he was interested and to what degree except that it was a date to pass the time and there were no other options to be had right now. I honestly don't know. And if I'm being fully honest, I might as well also say that until the one tiny spark at the end of the 3rd date that quickly died out, there wasn't much interest on my part. All of these things that I was learning should have made me excited, right? Should have had me excited that I was finding things I've been looking for and been trying to be, right? Yet it wasn't there. And my dating coach has been teaching me to match the man's efforts, because in the past I've done it all wrong and just gone for it, tried to kindle flames from sparks, tried to encourage things. In essence, taking full control of the relationship and investing so much while the man was investing little to nothing. I didn't want to make that mistake. So I was waiting to see his interest and investment. Too much space and mostly silence with an occasional "how's it going" wasn't much to make me feel a lot of interest in me or investment.
So here I've been all week with every conflicting emotion, thought, and years of lessons racing at me (whether from my dating coach, all my failed previous attempts, dating blogs, LDS apostles' counsel, and examples I've seen in so many friends and family). Some of these have included
*Don't put too much thought into it.
*Just let things be.
*Relax. Open yourself up to options.
*'Sparks' can come with time.
*Physical attraction can come with time.
*It's only been a few dates, it takes time.
I have let all of these things guide me during the last 3 months. And yet it all boils down to the fact that I really couldn't care if I never saw this guy again. I'm not excited about him, I'm not excited about getting to know him, and I really have no interest in spending more time with him or getting to know more about him. Which leads me to believe that I am a terrible, horrible, awful person. I can't nail down any specific reasons except two would never "hold up in court."
1) I feel no connection with him
2) I believe the Spirit is OKing it
I hear the voices telling me I haven't given it enough time and effort to feel a connection. But I feel to disagree. In fact, I think I've been trying to force a connection because on paper everything looks right. It should be something I want and feel excited about, so I must make a connection somehow. But that hasn't worked. And it has actually led to at some points feeling like I would throw up, and complete emotional upheaval or unsettling. The last time I felt so unsettled was when I was trying to make my first mission decision in 2003. I kept making some decision that involved me going on a mission. As soon as I made the decision, I would start to get all upset inside. Couldn't concentrate on anything (mission related or not). I felt confused and upset and frustrated. After 4 or 5 different decisions, I finally made one that did not involve a mission in the near future. There was immediate peace and calm. I learned a great lesson of what "a stupor of thought" means. And it is exactly what I've been going through the last week, even more than that. I have been trying to figure out every way I could try to give him a chance, a better chance, a more informed chance by letting him know about the paltry texts killing any possible connection. But, even if that were fixed, that doesn't mean that suddenly a connection would take place. A connection might not be there because there is absolutely no chemistry between us. I compare him with previous men I've dated and there are stark differences in feelings and reactions and emotions.
And I've been praying for a good solid week on everything in relation to this. I finally got an answer a couple of days ago that, like Elder McConkie's Agency or Inspiration talk, it was completely my decision. What did I want? Make my choice and go to the Lord with it. So when I finally told him yesterday morning that I really did not want anything to do with this guy, that peace and calm came with it. And just like with the mission decision, there was guilt accompanying it. Because with that decision, I knew many in the LDS world would judge me. But even worse, I knew my family would be disappointed and questioning. I spent years having to deal with my mother's disapproval and lack of understanding when I wished that she could trust my personal revelation. But in spite of what the world thought, I had to go with what had been revealed to me upon my decision.
It is the same now. My two friends that I've kept in the loop on this look at me like I'm crazy. They support what I choose, but neither can see why I'm throwing away a perfectly good match. And if I were to listen to them as well as all those previous experiences/lessons voices, I would give in and stick with it. But I ignored the Spirit on a matter of dating once before, with Mr. Freshman Year. I spent a year of very difficult emotions trying to move past him and our very rocky break up because I did not listen at the beginning. I have to trust in my peace that I'm feeling, however guilty I feel with it because I have no "logical" answer if someone were to ask "why?"
And yet in spite of knowing what my choice is, and feeling at peace with it, I still think I'm an awful person. That there is something still wrong with me. That I'm not applying Alma 32 somehow.
Trusting in one's own faith, one's own decisions, and one's personal revelation is a lot harder than we usually think about.
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