Today's dating frustration that needs venting:
Does this guy honestly think that because he keeps telling me I am hot that suddenly I am going to change the physical boundaries I have set in a dating relationship--particularly the early stages of a dating relationship? Stages I have explained to him more than once.
I just....
I don't....
I can't even finish a sentence of a thought!!!
I don't know how to feel. I'm too "aaaaagggghhhh-eeehhhhh-aaaarrrgghh-uuuuggg" to do a Feelings Check. Unless that is the feeling. Anyone want to define that one for me?
You know what. I will just type up our text conversations from the last few days. I'll just leave it there for you to see. And then I'm going to go check in with my Inner Goddess.
(Please note that before these conversations, there had been talk on the online dating site about physical affection. Twice. He wanted a lot, admitted he could "do things"--but nothing that was sinning, and knew I was trouble for him. I told him I waited a while before I let that enter a relationship. He didn't respond for a few days, then suddenly got on and asked to chat with me through text. So the following was not the first time he broached this subject, or the first time I had answered him.)
Saturday
Him: Did you have a fun party?
Me: Yes, we had fun. It helps that she is one of my very best friends.
Him: That's great :-) you will have no trouble pleasing your husband with a wide selection of food it appears
Me: Yeah, except that spread will only happen if there is an income that can cover it!
Him: Haha. That's very good to point out :-) what are you looking for?
Me: I am looking for a socially strong and confident man who reciprocates my passion for life and its many varied joys and adventures. I like a man who converses easily where conversation flows easily to and from many various topics, and the conversing is naturally equal on both sides. I like a man who makes me feel comfortable, confident, attractive. I like him to make me laugh, it is easy to be with him, and life is fun and exciting with him. I also like him to be appropriate and respectful of the boundaries I have which are there for reasons.
Him: Wow. Very descriptive. Thanks!
Me: Well, I am asked a lot. I've also had a lot of time to think on it and had plenty of dates and experiences with men to help me figure it out.
Him: Sounds great
Him: Can I tell you something?
Me: Okay
Him: I'm very respectful. Very affectionate. Very open and honest. I love the same in return. Compliments. Massages. Kisses.
Me: Okay
Him: ?
Me: I don't know how else to respond
Him: Ok. You can disagree. I just wonder what you think.
Me: Disagree about what? Think about what? About the level of affection I want in a relationship?
Him: Yes. Just how you are. If you're affectionate. If you like being held. Kissed.
Me: My love language is physical touch. But I also am very careful about letting the physical enter a relationship too soon. Physical affection implies a much deeper connection and commitment for me than it does most of the men I meet. I compromised before, and I refuse to do it again. I also hold off because if it enters a relationship too soon, it will become the focus of a relationship. Once it is right for it to be there, I absolutely love that element.
Him: Ok. I really appreciate that. Thanks
Me: You're welcome
Him: Idk if you could ever like me
Me: And why would you think that
Him: I am a fast mover.
Me: If you were truly interested in who I am and not just what I have to offer physically, then I would think the respect you say you have would come in to play until I was ready. But you know yourself better than I do, so...yeah
Him: Ok
Me: Then I guess it is your choice of what you want to happen here
Him: It's your choice just as much as mine
Me: I've told you where I stand. It is your choice if you want to continue or not
Him: Ok.
Him: So no touch at all for how many dates usually?
Me: I don't set a number. If I feel a connection I may hold hands as soon as a first date. I would enjoy hugs, and arms around each other and such. But I do not kiss until we're exclusive.
Him: Good to know
Sunday
Him: Good morning beautiful
Me: Thank you, and good afternoon to you!
Him: Thank you :-)
Monday
Him: Hey how was your day?
Me: Not bad. A/C was broken at work, but it was first night of musical practice and that made up for the long, hot day
Him: Oh that makes a long day
Me: Yes indeed. How was yours?
Him: Pretty good thanks! Want a pic of me this morning?
Me: I don't know--do I?
Him: Yes I think?
Me: Very well
Sends pic
Me: You look surprised that you are going to work.
Him: Haha :-)
Him: Can I have one of you please?
Me: Well, the most recent I have is from a few weeks ago.
I send picture
Him: Hottie
Me: Thank you
Him: Sure. I'd prob end up playing with your hair
Me: That only bothers me if I took a lot of time to fix it, or I need it to be presentable later
Him: Do you like it?
Me: Having my hair played with?
Him: Yes
Me: Well, yes, except for the two scenarios previously stated
Him: Ok. I'm highly physical.
Me: Yeah. I got that.
Him: And you're not?
Me: We've kind of already had this discussion.
Him: Ok
Wednesday (tonight)
Him: You are in trouble
Me: And why is that?
Him: Cuz lol
Me: Ok....
Him: I think you're hot
Me: Ok
Me: Thank you
Him: I don't think you can handle me
Me: I think we have had this discussion before, too.
Him: Do you want to meet?
Me: Ok. When is a good time for you?
Him: Remind me again where you live?
Me: I am in ______. But I didn't mean when tonight. I meant when in the next 3 weeks.
Him: You schedule 3 weeks in advance?
Me: I know I have a lot of things scheduled in the next 3 weeks, so us finding mutual time to meet could take that long
Him: Ok
(Half hour later--because honestly I wanted to get this over with. I had no desire to meet with him from the moment he started texting me. But I figured one date is one date. Let's schedule it and get it over with. Maybe I'll be wrong in person. I don't know. But this constant and repeated stream of conversation was about to drive me crazy.)
Me: So you don't want to meet some time then?
Him: I do. But need to know when
Me: That is why I asked you when you were available
Him: Ok. I'll let you know.
Me: Ok. Just head's up, things fill up fast as time goes on because of work, class, and now rehearsals, so don't wait too long or the availability will be even further into the future.
Him: Ok. So not available for at least 3 weeks?
Me: Right now I think I have a couple days open within the next 3 weeks. If you wait the 3 weeks, I can guarantee July will be filling up as those weeks go by.
Him: lol what days are those??
Me: I don't have my calendar with me. I can find it after class. But it will be easier if you tell me your availability
(Hour later)
Me: Ok. This Friday just got booked up. So my next available times are the evenings of june 24th and possibly the 25th.
Him: Wow
Me: People don't seem to believe me when I tell them this is my busiest time of year....
Him: It's fine. I'd be very handsy with you.
Me: Then it doesn't look like we will be meeting. Thank you anyway for your interests and compliments. Good luck in your searching.
Him: That easy of a decision. Ok
Me: I have told you more than once how I feel about physical touch too soon in a relationship and you seem to like to ignore it. I prefer a man who will respect me
Him: Ok. I will leave you alone then
Me: Thank you
I know I am not the perfect example of how to handle situations and conversations and such. I am a work in progress with SO much to learn. So I am not trying to put myself as the person in the right. I probably could have been more open, etc. But I'll be honest that this guy 99% put me off because every conversation we had turned to the physical and how he really liked that, and really wanted that, and was interested in me. I don't think I ever had much interest in him. Maybe I was hoping he wouldn't be all like that. Or maybe I am so desperate to be getting dates so I can be having the experiences and getting the practice from dates and conversation and discovering/realizing/reaffirming the traits I am looking for in my best friend.
Maybe I should have ended this at the 1st red flag on the site when he first told me I was hot, and that I would be trouble for him. Or at the 2nd red flag when he bragged about his talent for doing dirty things that were not breaking any commandments.
OK. Here is the feelings check re-visted:
I don't understand this game.
I don't get this game.
I keep failing at playing this game--thinking I know the rules or the safety precautions, but constantly being bombarded and second-guessing what I knew, or thought I knew, and not sure of even WHAT I know.
I hate this game.
I want this game to be over!!!
Excuse me while I go talk things over with my Inner Goddess, and my Heavenly Father.
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