I pretty much knew I was not going to get any more dates this last week. No one else was volunteering, and I honestly had no clue who to ask any more. So I looked for my outings.
Date/Outing #20-#23: I joined my friend and 3 of her Relief Society sisters on my morning off and helped them tie a quilt. It was nice talking and listening to various random things. I also had the great pleasure of seeing dozens of adorable missionaries...in my comfy PJs. :-)
Date/Outing #24-#26: After callbacks, since the ice cream Girls' Night was cancelled, I stopped by the Relief Society Cooking Group at my friend's house. It was basically over, but they were sitting around talking. So I joined in. I really enjoyed that
(They told me I should count the people I met and spoke to at callbacks. I did go out of my way to meet 2 of the ladies there, which is rather big considering I was dealing with nerves and no one would think ill of me for sitting in silence. But hey, I've been on a roll this month and extrovert was in full gear.
Date/Outing #27-#31: Relief Society Book Group! It was not at my house, though the hostess did choose a book I suggested--the one on introverts! I love our Book Group. And I was glad I was able to go and enjoy a relaxing evening talking and eating with them. I ended up having no other plans afterward, so I was able to thoroughly enjoy the outing without feeling rushed on to another one.
Date/Outing #32: After talking with my friend during the week, she was interested in joining me for my Breakfast with Shakespeare outing. I had gotten tickets for the Waffle Faire beforehand and couldn't find anyone to join me. She did and I was so glad to have her. She appreciated all the Shakespeare humor we encountered. And it was great to be able to talk with her for longer than a few minutes. (Technically I visited with her and her husband a couple of weeks ago--I totally should have counted that as an outing!) She was one of my first friends in my current ward, as well as my VT companion for many months. I miss seeing and talking with her more often. I believe this Challenge has gotten me to the desire that no matter how introvert I am, I want to keep up more frequently on existing friendships and not just an occasional Hello.
Date/Outing #33-#38: I decided, in spite of my being very tired, that I would go to the midsingle BBQ I had seen advertised. I walked in and immediately went up to a mother and her two kids and started to chat with her. She was so nice and accepting and friendly. Yay! Introduced me to a couple of people we knew. And my introvert comfort zone was fine sticking with them through the duration of my time there. I did recognize quite a few people there. And maybe if I hadn't spent all me energies that month on the challenge, I would have gone around and caught up with them. But I was spent--physically as well as introvertedly.
Date/Outing #39-#68: We had our Cast Party for the summer musical I was in. Not everyone was able to come and yet there were still 30 there. I knew there would be at least 20. I could have just had that for an outing and had only a few dates. ;-) But that wouldn't have helped me meet my goal then. The Cast Party was probably one of the very best ways I could wrap up my challenge with. I had so much fun. Even if I was so very little involved in the show, I made some very wonderful friends from it. Ones who always made me feel included. I do miss seeing them more regularly, but I sure am glad I have such fabulous friends in my life now.
Date/Outing #69-#71: My birthday sleepover! 3 of my cast buddies came to my house for a sleepover. Still in the middle of it, as they haven't woken up and I need to go make us breakfast. Some of us will be going up to hear another fellow cast member speak, as he leaves for his mission in a couple of weeks. And at some point some of us will be watching last night's Women's Conference together. I love these girls--so glad they wanted to spend time with me.
So, there it is. I more than doubled my challenge, which I didn't expect at all. I well and fully met my goals in the challenge. And I created an absolutely memorable month.
Showing posts with label Comfort Zone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Comfort Zone. Show all posts
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Monday, September 19, 2016
#34Before34 Part 4: Week 3
Date/Outing #15: I had a blind blind date. I kid you not. My friend was the only one to follow up on my pleas for help from friends to help me find dates to fulfill my challenge.
(May I just have a side vent that I get rather tired of people who like and like and like my question posts, but never do or say anything in regards to the question. "Who wants to come with me to this event?" Like. "Where can I find this brand of ice cream?" Like. "Does anyone know of any men I can go on a date with for a challenge? Like. Your likes do me absolutely no good! Those who comment--those are much appreciated! So I would like to say a huge thank you to the one friend who actually helped me date-wise on this challenge.)
So as she was setting me up on this blind, date, she told me a little about this guy. And one of the facts--he is blind. I couldn't--and still can't--help but find the irony. I will admit I was rather intrigued, since I spend 18 months working with visually impaired. He is not what we would term a total, but he is legally blind. Caused by spinal meningitis when he was very young. I picked him up to take him to a park for a walk. The walk was fine. I enjoyed near the end of the date when I was able to talk a little bit about visually impaired things with him. But the 40 minutes before that....I was completely bored out of my mind. At least it was not about a former spouse! It was about races and running. I may have been a long distance runner in Jr high and high school for track and cross country. And still run an occasional 5K. But the topic doesn't really interest me. I tried to ask other kinds of questions, but he always brought the conversation back to his running. I guess in all fairness he was completely distracted by the fact that the park we were in was one he ran a race in during high school.
Date/Outing #16: This was my first 2nd date in the challenge. It was with Date/Outing #3. We had set a date for the date, but no definite details since I was leaving it to him. I finally contacted him the day before and asked if he was still up for it. He was. Mentioned one activity idea. It didn't appeal to me at the time, so I suggested another and he agreed. We had time and all set. Even discussed it morning of. A couple hours later he messaged me to tell me he was laid off and really didn't feel up for the date that night. Understandable. So we cancelled. the date. I tried to see if anyone else wanted to have a last minute.
("Anyone want to join me for a movie night tonight? Like. *insert eye roll*)
It was a no go on that. So I got some yardwork done instead, and then watched a movie I had been wanting to for a while. I still had a good evening. Even if I was at home, I am counting the date to the point that we had the plans and I had expended some energy in the prep and plans for that.
Date/Outing #17: This was my second 2nd date in the challenge. It was with Date/Outing #4. I was not looking forward to this one because of how conversation was in between. It annoyed me so much! Conversation, when it happened, was rather humdrum for me. I didn't find his topics interesting, except for one or two that I had strong opinions about, which I definitely let out. Probably more profusely then I should have....
I admit I probably could have been a little better on this date, but in my defense--he planned a lunch date. May I remind (or inform) you that he is deaf. Yes he has hearing aids, but from my observation they only alert him to some sound. It seems that he mostly reads lips. Eating food. Talking. We've been taught it is rude to do the two together, but it is even more awkward, rude, and gross if someone is trying to read your lips if the two occur at the same time. And because he couldn't always hear when I started to speak, I pretty much sat in many awkward silences waiting for him to stop eating and look at me so I could say something. (Wondering if he gets awkward silences; not sarcasm or complaint--honest wondering.) So there was much waiting on my part. In silence. There was also that he kept thinking I had spoken when I hadn't, so he kept turning his head to me at random times to see my mouth. He also chose to sit beside me instead of across, so his head was at this funky angle to see my mouth, and he sometimes got a little close to my face to see my mouth. That was uncomfortable. The whole thing was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable subject topics. Uncomfortable physical space. Uncomfortable in a "cultural" situation that I was not as familiar with.
There was also the whole part of him talking fast, and he wasn't that easy to understand. But if I spoke fast (which is about 98% of the time), he couldn't understand me. He had to stop me to repeat myself slowly. Understandable. But he never slowed down for me. I suppose I could have asked him to slow down, but when I would say I didn't understand what he said, he thought adding signs to what he was saying fast helped me understand. No. Not really. That's just adding a foreign language on top of not understanding what you are saying.
He walked me to my car. We said goodbye. I was in the car and closing the door when he called out to me and returned to my car. So I had to get out and ask "What?" And he asked "So, will we be able to go out again soon?" My courage failed me. And instead of saying my "no connection" line, I said "I'll think about it." Oh my word. The parental long answer for "no." I couldn't believe I said that. But I did. And I think he got the idea.
Date/Outing #17: My third 2nd date, this one with #14. He met me after a ward activity and we went for a walk. Mostly we sat in the park. I was extremely tired by this point. Date/outing earlier that afternoon had left me close to tears because it was so unpleasant for me. I apologized a few times for my attitude, but this guy didn't seem to see me as being rude or tired or grumpy. He thought I was just loose. ......... OK. As long as he wasn't offended. We ended up back at my house and talking for another couple of hours. He definitely knows how to ask a TON of questions. And I have never been one shy of talking if I feel comfortable with a person. The conversation was fine. But it was enlightening. I experienced no growth or insight from it. I still don't feel I know him as much factually. Perhaps a little bit more in personality.
Date/Outing #18: My friend of many years came over--with 3 kittens!--and we caught up on our lives over the last few years. While playing with kittens. I have never been near kittens before. It was an experience!
Date/Outing #19: This, so far and possibly will be it, has been the only date during the challenge to come from a dating site. He did not know of my challenge until he had already asked to meet me for a date. He seemed intrigued by the challenge, and not intimidated or deterred by it. So we set our date and texted in the passing time. By the time we got closer to the day of the date, my introvert was fully on. (Possibly why I wasn't so impressive on the previous 2 dates.) I had kind of reached a point that I was not interested in the least and hoped the date would end within the first hour. But within the first 10 minutes I found myself completely and happily surprised that he wasn't at all what I had worried he would be. And that I was enjoying talking to him and listening to him, tiredly introverted as I was. I didn't want that date to end. We both agreed to end it after 2 1/2 hours because we had things to get to--after 4 times saying we needed to leave and then wondering off into another conversation topic. Conversation with him was the most equal and the most interesting of all the dates so far in this challenge. And he is the only date in the challenge where I found myself at the end excited for the next one (which, yes, we have agreed to have one; plans to be made later--because we had to stop talking to each other and go!).
Projection says he is my last date in the challenge, and the rest will be outings. They also say that the Girls' Ice Cream Night planned a couple of weeks ago may have to be cancelled--because I made callbacks for a show! But I still have book club, and a possible haunted house outing, and my cast party, and my birthday sleepover. This will be a busy week. And then Introvert may be appeased for a month before we enter the fabulous Halloween festivities!
(May I just have a side vent that I get rather tired of people who like and like and like my question posts, but never do or say anything in regards to the question. "Who wants to come with me to this event?" Like. "Where can I find this brand of ice cream?" Like. "Does anyone know of any men I can go on a date with for a challenge? Like. Your likes do me absolutely no good! Those who comment--those are much appreciated! So I would like to say a huge thank you to the one friend who actually helped me date-wise on this challenge.)
So as she was setting me up on this blind, date, she told me a little about this guy. And one of the facts--he is blind. I couldn't--and still can't--help but find the irony. I will admit I was rather intrigued, since I spend 18 months working with visually impaired. He is not what we would term a total, but he is legally blind. Caused by spinal meningitis when he was very young. I picked him up to take him to a park for a walk. The walk was fine. I enjoyed near the end of the date when I was able to talk a little bit about visually impaired things with him. But the 40 minutes before that....I was completely bored out of my mind. At least it was not about a former spouse! It was about races and running. I may have been a long distance runner in Jr high and high school for track and cross country. And still run an occasional 5K. But the topic doesn't really interest me. I tried to ask other kinds of questions, but he always brought the conversation back to his running. I guess in all fairness he was completely distracted by the fact that the park we were in was one he ran a race in during high school.
Date/Outing #16: This was my first 2nd date in the challenge. It was with Date/Outing #3. We had set a date for the date, but no definite details since I was leaving it to him. I finally contacted him the day before and asked if he was still up for it. He was. Mentioned one activity idea. It didn't appeal to me at the time, so I suggested another and he agreed. We had time and all set. Even discussed it morning of. A couple hours later he messaged me to tell me he was laid off and really didn't feel up for the date that night. Understandable. So we cancelled. the date. I tried to see if anyone else wanted to have a last minute.
("Anyone want to join me for a movie night tonight? Like. *insert eye roll*)
It was a no go on that. So I got some yardwork done instead, and then watched a movie I had been wanting to for a while. I still had a good evening. Even if I was at home, I am counting the date to the point that we had the plans and I had expended some energy in the prep and plans for that.
Date/Outing #17: This was my second 2nd date in the challenge. It was with Date/Outing #4. I was not looking forward to this one because of how conversation was in between. It annoyed me so much! Conversation, when it happened, was rather humdrum for me. I didn't find his topics interesting, except for one or two that I had strong opinions about, which I definitely let out. Probably more profusely then I should have....
I admit I probably could have been a little better on this date, but in my defense--he planned a lunch date. May I remind (or inform) you that he is deaf. Yes he has hearing aids, but from my observation they only alert him to some sound. It seems that he mostly reads lips. Eating food. Talking. We've been taught it is rude to do the two together, but it is even more awkward, rude, and gross if someone is trying to read your lips if the two occur at the same time. And because he couldn't always hear when I started to speak, I pretty much sat in many awkward silences waiting for him to stop eating and look at me so I could say something. (Wondering if he gets awkward silences; not sarcasm or complaint--honest wondering.) So there was much waiting on my part. In silence. There was also that he kept thinking I had spoken when I hadn't, so he kept turning his head to me at random times to see my mouth. He also chose to sit beside me instead of across, so his head was at this funky angle to see my mouth, and he sometimes got a little close to my face to see my mouth. That was uncomfortable. The whole thing was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable subject topics. Uncomfortable physical space. Uncomfortable in a "cultural" situation that I was not as familiar with.
There was also the whole part of him talking fast, and he wasn't that easy to understand. But if I spoke fast (which is about 98% of the time), he couldn't understand me. He had to stop me to repeat myself slowly. Understandable. But he never slowed down for me. I suppose I could have asked him to slow down, but when I would say I didn't understand what he said, he thought adding signs to what he was saying fast helped me understand. No. Not really. That's just adding a foreign language on top of not understanding what you are saying.
He walked me to my car. We said goodbye. I was in the car and closing the door when he called out to me and returned to my car. So I had to get out and ask "What?" And he asked "So, will we be able to go out again soon?" My courage failed me. And instead of saying my "no connection" line, I said "I'll think about it." Oh my word. The parental long answer for "no." I couldn't believe I said that. But I did. And I think he got the idea.
Date/Outing #17: My third 2nd date, this one with #14. He met me after a ward activity and we went for a walk. Mostly we sat in the park. I was extremely tired by this point. Date/outing earlier that afternoon had left me close to tears because it was so unpleasant for me. I apologized a few times for my attitude, but this guy didn't seem to see me as being rude or tired or grumpy. He thought I was just loose. ......... OK. As long as he wasn't offended. We ended up back at my house and talking for another couple of hours. He definitely knows how to ask a TON of questions. And I have never been one shy of talking if I feel comfortable with a person. The conversation was fine. But it was enlightening. I experienced no growth or insight from it. I still don't feel I know him as much factually. Perhaps a little bit more in personality.
Date/Outing #18: My friend of many years came over--with 3 kittens!--and we caught up on our lives over the last few years. While playing with kittens. I have never been near kittens before. It was an experience!
Date/Outing #19: This, so far and possibly will be it, has been the only date during the challenge to come from a dating site. He did not know of my challenge until he had already asked to meet me for a date. He seemed intrigued by the challenge, and not intimidated or deterred by it. So we set our date and texted in the passing time. By the time we got closer to the day of the date, my introvert was fully on. (Possibly why I wasn't so impressive on the previous 2 dates.) I had kind of reached a point that I was not interested in the least and hoped the date would end within the first hour. But within the first 10 minutes I found myself completely and happily surprised that he wasn't at all what I had worried he would be. And that I was enjoying talking to him and listening to him, tiredly introverted as I was. I didn't want that date to end. We both agreed to end it after 2 1/2 hours because we had things to get to--after 4 times saying we needed to leave and then wondering off into another conversation topic. Conversation with him was the most equal and the most interesting of all the dates so far in this challenge. And he is the only date in the challenge where I found myself at the end excited for the next one (which, yes, we have agreed to have one; plans to be made later--because we had to stop talking to each other and go!).
Projection says he is my last date in the challenge, and the rest will be outings. They also say that the Girls' Ice Cream Night planned a couple of weeks ago may have to be cancelled--because I made callbacks for a show! But I still have book club, and a possible haunted house outing, and my cast party, and my birthday sleepover. This will be a busy week. And then Introvert may be appeased for a month before we enter the fabulous Halloween festivities!
Friday, September 16, 2016
#34Before34 Part 3: Week 2
This was a much calmer week because I had TA training and my mini-vacation.
Date/Outing #9 & 10: While on my vacation, I met up with a couple of girls from the midsingles FB group who lived in that area. We had dinner. Enjoyed the get-to-know you questions. And had fun talking about some of the people we have been "meeting" on the FB group. They were fun gals and I really enjoyed our girls' night.
#9 also joined me for a Shakespeare play that evening. I provided the tickets. She got me a brownie. Mmmmm.... And we figured out that we have an ancestor in common. The play was amazing and we had a very great time laughing a lot.
Date/Outing #9 & 10: While on my vacation, I met up with a couple of girls from the midsingles FB group who lived in that area. We had dinner. Enjoyed the get-to-know you questions. And had fun talking about some of the people we have been "meeting" on the FB group. They were fun gals and I really enjoyed our girls' night.
#9 also joined me for a Shakespeare play that evening. I provided the tickets. She got me a brownie. Mmmmm.... And we figured out that we have an ancestor in common. The play was amazing and we had a very great time laughing a lot.
Date/Outing #11 & 12: I went Visiting Teaching. I am totally counting those. I was out of my house. I had one-on-one visits with 2 of my VTees. I had good conversations. Laughs. Some tears. Met the new baby. Helped solve a problem. Deepend friendships. Totally in the goals of the challenge.
Date/Outing #13: A good friend of mine (we met when I first moved back to Utah Part 3--one of my very first friends!) just finished school. She has a slight break, so we decided to have a get-together so we could catch up. It was 6 months since out last visit. We had a lot of catching up to do. She made me dinner at her really cute apartment and we gabbed for a couple of hours. OK. Three and a half hours. Worth it and needed it.
Date/Outing #14: So, this one was a little different. He had contacted me a week ago on Facebook--when all the other guys were volunteering to my challenge. Instead of saying "I'd like to be one of your dates," he came right out and asked me out. I was thinking "OK, I guess I'll go with that," though that wasn't supposed to be the plan. I didn't want the men to think I was begging for dates and they had to plan and pay for an activity. Since I wanted the dates, I was going to plan them (and pay if there was a cost). But I went with it, because who am I to refuse a man being a gentleman?
As it turns out, I learned on the date that he had no idea about my Challenge. Completely missed that post. He did see my post when I was trying to find someone to join me for the Shakespeare play. He said he had noticed my posts before and looked at my FB page. We had mutual friends and he had wanted to ask me out. According to him, "the Bard is the reason [he] finally asked me." So how about that? If I hadn't done my challenge at all, I still would have met my 1 date a month goal. :-) And it was a very nice date--best conversation I've had so far with all the dates (but excluding the outings).
Thursday, September 15, 2016
#34Before34 Part 2: First Week
This was my first week in my 34Before34 Dating/Outing Challenge. I set the challenge on a Tuesday and posted about it on a couple of midsingles Facebook groups, as well as my own Facebook page. The next night my challenge began!
Date/Outing #1 & #2: Two gal friends from my musical this summer joined me in watching my brother's play. It was absolutely hilarious--and they were THE BEST people to watch that show with. We found the same things funny, and reacted in similar ways. I wasn't embarrassed for laughing at all that I did, because they did, too!
Date/Outing #3: This guy responded to the request I posted on one of the Facebook mid-singles group page. He had actually reached out a few weeks earlier through a PM (personal message). We had a couple of exchanges, but I wasn't really into it. (I was in the middle of my musical and at the time dealing with the end of the repercussions with Jerk Boy. Not his official nickname, but I'll come up with one eventually. Mono Boy has been putting itself up for consideration.) ANYWAY! We met at a park and went for a walk so we could talk. He did most of the talking, but the conversation was interesting enough. A decent amount was about his divorce and his current re-settling. We managed books, too, because he knew I was a librarian. I didn't feel excitement or annoyance or disgust by the end, so I felt that warranted a second (which is scheduled for this weekend).
Date/Outing #4: Another guy who responded from the Facebook post--almost immediately. We met after my work shifts at Comic Con. Did some window shopping and sat to talk. I would say this conversation was about 75% him, 25% me, which seemed more than what I had with #3. Again, another guy who elicited no negative response, but nothing hugely positive either. Neutral often happens on a first, especially one where there was no communication/meeting beforehand. So we have scheduled a second date for this weekend. But I will admit that his attempts at conversation in between have been very random and rather annoying. Not boding well for 2nd date, but I think it will still be a pleasant enough time. And just an FYI, he is the first guy I have been on a date with who is deaf. He is deaf from birth, I believe. He has hearing aids, reads lips, and speaks pretty well. I just had to remember to face him more than I am used to. And occasionally I would say something he didn't understand, which--by the grace of my admiration of Helen Keller so that I taught myself in 5th grade--I was able to finger spell to him.
One interesting fact--he had told me through PM that he was deaf as well as divorced with no kids; he didn't talk about his first marriage at all on the date. This was amazing, because many divorcees that I go on a date with talk about it right away. Some in a good way. Some in a not good way. I don't think it is something that should be hid, or scared to talk about. But it can be a bit uggggg to have that be a big part of the conversation on your first date. So he definitely got a point for that.
Date/Outing #5: Another who responded on Facebook--practically on the heels of #4. We met at Temple Square after church so we could take a walk. He did almost all of the talking. About his two marriages. It was not as complain-y as it could have been; more along the lines of things he has learned from them. Still, it wasn't the most entertaining conversation for me. He said he wasn't looking for anything serious, but he wanted people to talk to and wanted to make friends. I am fine with that, because I was feeling absolutely no interest, and getting a little of the "I'm done with this one" vibe. What irked me the most is that he seemed to take my reasons for doing this challenge and thinking I was depressed, despondent, down with life. I tried to explain that I wasn't--I am actually quite happy, but I wanted to prevent any contemplation from reminding me of the tough things that I have managed to get through, grow from, or simply endure.
Date/Outing #6: I had a day off. So in the morning I met this guy--another Facebook responder (all 3 of these guys through the same FB group)--at a park to play a card game I brought. As random would have it, he is also deaf! Went deaf around the time of his mission, so his speech is quite clear, and he uses hearing aids. The game I brought had a few versions to it. So we would play a version and then talk. Actually, he would talk. About his three marriages. And talk about magnet for crazy, insane things. Just one of his many stories alone could have been a red flag. But all of his crazy stories together not only made for an uncomfortable, let-this-end-as-soon-as-possible date, but combined to form a huge deal breaker for me.
I am sorry, but I am not looking for a project. I am looking for someone on a somewhat equal ground as I am. Different backgrounds and experiences can still bring two people to an equal ground. But when one of your marriages happened because you thought you were on your way to a reception and after she had driven quite a ways you asked her where you were going and she said to Vegas because you were going to marry her and you went with it because you didn't know how to say no..... Very unequal ground, if not simply uneven. My word. That was actually painful with everything else I put up with in that date. It made me so relieved for
Date/Outing #7: Noon of my day off. This guy I have been friends with for a couple of years. Tried to go on a date but gave up after a couple of weeks of my busy schedule. Yeah. I wasn't highly impressed with that. But we're still friends. He saw one of my posts somewhere. So we met on the Jordan River Parkway and talked. It was nice and relaxing to have someone I already knew and be able to talk about whatever. You know what I find hilarious now? I thought he was late 30s. Maybe early 40s. A mutual acquaintance told me this week that he is 52. Well--beat my highest age in a date (though the 48 year old I went out with would be around 51 now, so....).
And that was the first week. *phew* The outing(s) was great, and 4 of the 5 dates were not as bad as I was worrying about. So, yay! Plus, just at the end of week 5 I had quintupled my goal of 1 date a month. Success all around.
Date/Outing #1 & #2: Two gal friends from my musical this summer joined me in watching my brother's play. It was absolutely hilarious--and they were THE BEST people to watch that show with. We found the same things funny, and reacted in similar ways. I wasn't embarrassed for laughing at all that I did, because they did, too!
Date/Outing #3: This guy responded to the request I posted on one of the Facebook mid-singles group page. He had actually reached out a few weeks earlier through a PM (personal message). We had a couple of exchanges, but I wasn't really into it. (I was in the middle of my musical and at the time dealing with the end of the repercussions with Jerk Boy. Not his official nickname, but I'll come up with one eventually. Mono Boy has been putting itself up for consideration.) ANYWAY! We met at a park and went for a walk so we could talk. He did most of the talking, but the conversation was interesting enough. A decent amount was about his divorce and his current re-settling. We managed books, too, because he knew I was a librarian. I didn't feel excitement or annoyance or disgust by the end, so I felt that warranted a second (which is scheduled for this weekend).
Date/Outing #4: Another guy who responded from the Facebook post--almost immediately. We met after my work shifts at Comic Con. Did some window shopping and sat to talk. I would say this conversation was about 75% him, 25% me, which seemed more than what I had with #3. Again, another guy who elicited no negative response, but nothing hugely positive either. Neutral often happens on a first, especially one where there was no communication/meeting beforehand. So we have scheduled a second date for this weekend. But I will admit that his attempts at conversation in between have been very random and rather annoying. Not boding well for 2nd date, but I think it will still be a pleasant enough time. And just an FYI, he is the first guy I have been on a date with who is deaf. He is deaf from birth, I believe. He has hearing aids, reads lips, and speaks pretty well. I just had to remember to face him more than I am used to. And occasionally I would say something he didn't understand, which--by the grace of my admiration of Helen Keller so that I taught myself in 5th grade--I was able to finger spell to him.
One interesting fact--he had told me through PM that he was deaf as well as divorced with no kids; he didn't talk about his first marriage at all on the date. This was amazing, because many divorcees that I go on a date with talk about it right away. Some in a good way. Some in a not good way. I don't think it is something that should be hid, or scared to talk about. But it can be a bit uggggg to have that be a big part of the conversation on your first date. So he definitely got a point for that.
Date/Outing #5: Another who responded on Facebook--practically on the heels of #4. We met at Temple Square after church so we could take a walk. He did almost all of the talking. About his two marriages. It was not as complain-y as it could have been; more along the lines of things he has learned from them. Still, it wasn't the most entertaining conversation for me. He said he wasn't looking for anything serious, but he wanted people to talk to and wanted to make friends. I am fine with that, because I was feeling absolutely no interest, and getting a little of the "I'm done with this one" vibe. What irked me the most is that he seemed to take my reasons for doing this challenge and thinking I was depressed, despondent, down with life. I tried to explain that I wasn't--I am actually quite happy, but I wanted to prevent any contemplation from reminding me of the tough things that I have managed to get through, grow from, or simply endure.
Date/Outing #6: I had a day off. So in the morning I met this guy--another Facebook responder (all 3 of these guys through the same FB group)--at a park to play a card game I brought. As random would have it, he is also deaf! Went deaf around the time of his mission, so his speech is quite clear, and he uses hearing aids. The game I brought had a few versions to it. So we would play a version and then talk. Actually, he would talk. About his three marriages. And talk about magnet for crazy, insane things. Just one of his many stories alone could have been a red flag. But all of his crazy stories together not only made for an uncomfortable, let-this-end-as-soon-as-possible date, but combined to form a huge deal breaker for me.
I am sorry, but I am not looking for a project. I am looking for someone on a somewhat equal ground as I am. Different backgrounds and experiences can still bring two people to an equal ground. But when one of your marriages happened because you thought you were on your way to a reception and after she had driven quite a ways you asked her where you were going and she said to Vegas because you were going to marry her and you went with it because you didn't know how to say no..... Very unequal ground, if not simply uneven. My word. That was actually painful with everything else I put up with in that date. It made me so relieved for
Date/Outing #7: Noon of my day off. This guy I have been friends with for a couple of years. Tried to go on a date but gave up after a couple of weeks of my busy schedule. Yeah. I wasn't highly impressed with that. But we're still friends. He saw one of my posts somewhere. So we met on the Jordan River Parkway and talked. It was nice and relaxing to have someone I already knew and be able to talk about whatever. You know what I find hilarious now? I thought he was late 30s. Maybe early 40s. A mutual acquaintance told me this week that he is 52. Well--beat my highest age in a date (though the 48 year old I went out with would be around 51 now, so....).
And that was the first week. *phew* The outing(s) was great, and 4 of the 5 dates were not as bad as I was worrying about. So, yay! Plus, just at the end of week 5 I had quintupled my goal of 1 date a month. Success all around.
#34Before34 Part 1: The Challenge
Lately I have only been posting transcripts of some of my online dating site conversations. I thought perhaps I should give an update on something more personal--especially something like this!
When August was almost over, I realized my birthday would be in a month. I usually do a lot of reflection in the weeks leading up to my birthday. At a quick glance, I could see that even though I have had another amazing year, I have also had some pretty tough things in the last 6 months--partly related to dating experiences, and partly related to my friends' dating experiences. I needed something that was going to keep me from staying home and moping or even just bemoaning. I remembered last year of hearing about a man who tried to do 30 dates before he turned 30. I felt prompted to give myself a similar challenge--34 dates before I turned 34. The biggest challenge: I didn't have a full month left to complete this! Oh well. Just attempting it would help me reach if not pass my general goal of one date a month. I also figured I would not limit myself to just dates, since I didn't think I could find 34 men willing to help in such a short time--or even 10 men who would go on 3 dates each with me. Thus, I broadened my challenge to outings with girls, because I need some more sister friends, and wouldn't mind improving friendships with some of my current girlfriends.
I figured I should blog about some of my experiences, so you know that
1) I'm still getting out
2) I'm still learning
3) Not all of my experiences in my dating world are as bad, awful, frustrating, ridiculous as my recent posts (and experiences) have indicated.
4) I do know how to get out of my Comfort Zone (even if the last year's worth of blogging and 3 years worth of dating practice didn't already "prove" that).
Be ready. Because they are coming in future posts.
When August was almost over, I realized my birthday would be in a month. I usually do a lot of reflection in the weeks leading up to my birthday. At a quick glance, I could see that even though I have had another amazing year, I have also had some pretty tough things in the last 6 months--partly related to dating experiences, and partly related to my friends' dating experiences. I needed something that was going to keep me from staying home and moping or even just bemoaning. I remembered last year of hearing about a man who tried to do 30 dates before he turned 30. I felt prompted to give myself a similar challenge--34 dates before I turned 34. The biggest challenge: I didn't have a full month left to complete this! Oh well. Just attempting it would help me reach if not pass my general goal of one date a month. I also figured I would not limit myself to just dates, since I didn't think I could find 34 men willing to help in such a short time--or even 10 men who would go on 3 dates each with me. Thus, I broadened my challenge to outings with girls, because I need some more sister friends, and wouldn't mind improving friendships with some of my current girlfriends.
I figured I should blog about some of my experiences, so you know that
1) I'm still getting out
2) I'm still learning
3) Not all of my experiences in my dating world are as bad, awful, frustrating, ridiculous as my recent posts (and experiences) have indicated.
4) I do know how to get out of my Comfort Zone (even if the last year's worth of blogging and 3 years worth of dating practice didn't already "prove" that).
Be ready. Because they are coming in future posts.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
THIS!
I saw this article tonight:
It's so true! It is not about the money. I actually don't like money being spent on me. It makes me feel awkward, uncomfortable, and undeserving. Yet I've been taught to accept graciously. So I do. But I can have just as much fun and enjoyment by a inexpensive or free date, and definitely feel just as feminine and desirable because a man has chosen to spend time with me.
I do want to point out that though not about the money, one element is not as true for me. I don't spend that much money to prep for a date. I will certainly dress up, and put in some effort. But I am not one that goes to get my nails done, or hair done ever. And new clothes get bought every few years. So again, not as much money spent right before a date.
I point this out, though, because a lot does get spent by me in order to reach a first date. I have to put in a lot of money in the dating game. I like to go to dances. I have fun at those dances, mostly, however, I'd really like to meet some men at these dances, too! I go to dinner groups, dance lessons, ward parties, Family Home Evening activities, Institute classes, hot springs outings, movie outings, festivals, vacation adventures elsewhere, and so much more. Guess what? Each one of those things costs me money to go! Some of those quite a bit of money!
I go to them because I want to have fun. I go because I like to see and make friends there. Yet a huge reason I go is to meet men. I am an INFJ, and a hermit by nature. I love to stay at home, curled up reading or watching a movie, playing a game with friends, or making and eating food at one of my hosted parties. I prefer smaller, intimate settings. And most of those activities are basically free. So not only am I shelling out a bunch of money to participate in these other activities, but I'm also spending large amounts of emotional, mental, and physical energy. Energy that takes time to renew--time that should be spent continuing to go out to meet new people, otherwise I feel I'm being lazy, or wasting time and opportunities.
For a girl who has to put out so much just to meet men, it means so much to have a man ask me out and want to spend some time with me. I have appreciated each date, no matter how awkward, boring, exciting, misleading, silly, fun, ideal, "perfect," or painful. Each one has given me experience. I have learned much about myself. I have had a chance to be away from the huge crowds and be in the more preferred smaller settings. I've been able to have conversations. I love that I get dates now (as opposed to no dates for 3 years straight). I would like to have more. One day, I would hope that the dates progress to a more steady, serious, committed relationship. But I don't want to rush it. I just want that to happen when it's right. Until then, please men of good character and standing and intentions--please keep asking me (and other women!) out.
Here Is Why Paying For The Date Is Not About The Money
It's so true! It is not about the money. I actually don't like money being spent on me. It makes me feel awkward, uncomfortable, and undeserving. Yet I've been taught to accept graciously. So I do. But I can have just as much fun and enjoyment by a inexpensive or free date, and definitely feel just as feminine and desirable because a man has chosen to spend time with me.
I do want to point out that though not about the money, one element is not as true for me. I don't spend that much money to prep for a date. I will certainly dress up, and put in some effort. But I am not one that goes to get my nails done, or hair done ever. And new clothes get bought every few years. So again, not as much money spent right before a date.
I point this out, though, because a lot does get spent by me in order to reach a first date. I have to put in a lot of money in the dating game. I like to go to dances. I have fun at those dances, mostly, however, I'd really like to meet some men at these dances, too! I go to dinner groups, dance lessons, ward parties, Family Home Evening activities, Institute classes, hot springs outings, movie outings, festivals, vacation adventures elsewhere, and so much more. Guess what? Each one of those things costs me money to go! Some of those quite a bit of money!
I go to them because I want to have fun. I go because I like to see and make friends there. Yet a huge reason I go is to meet men. I am an INFJ, and a hermit by nature. I love to stay at home, curled up reading or watching a movie, playing a game with friends, or making and eating food at one of my hosted parties. I prefer smaller, intimate settings. And most of those activities are basically free. So not only am I shelling out a bunch of money to participate in these other activities, but I'm also spending large amounts of emotional, mental, and physical energy. Energy that takes time to renew--time that should be spent continuing to go out to meet new people, otherwise I feel I'm being lazy, or wasting time and opportunities.
For a girl who has to put out so much just to meet men, it means so much to have a man ask me out and want to spend some time with me. I have appreciated each date, no matter how awkward, boring, exciting, misleading, silly, fun, ideal, "perfect," or painful. Each one has given me experience. I have learned much about myself. I have had a chance to be away from the huge crowds and be in the more preferred smaller settings. I've been able to have conversations. I love that I get dates now (as opposed to no dates for 3 years straight). I would like to have more. One day, I would hope that the dates progress to a more steady, serious, committed relationship. But I don't want to rush it. I just want that to happen when it's right. Until then, please men of good character and standing and intentions--please keep asking me (and other women!) out.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
So many things to say that I wish I had time to write about. For now, here's a blog post my friend wrote. And this is the comment I posted. (It's in relation to his reaction and thus my very brief reaction to the recent Times article that I found fascinating but certainly don't blame all my dating woes on.)
As always, well said! Gotta put my two cents in. And then link to this article on my own "dating" blog. :-) For me the introvert, I have exhausted myself in the last 2 years putting myself completely out of my comfort zone every time. Dates have occurred. With my record of 0 before, I had an increase of about 2000%, though more than half of those I had to do the asking which is completely against my nature and for me, socially wrong.
But I had set goals because I'd like to get out there to get to know people better, try to make them feel good, and to practice my own skills. I'm not going on first, second, or sometimes third dates because I want to marry the guy. I'm going because I want to have fun and if I start to feel more of a connection with the guy, great--let's see where it goes! I've had to set goals in relation to dating and the only way for me to meet the goals was to ask the guys since they weren't asking as much. I've been grateful for the experiences, but I would have preferred not having the awkwardness or the feeling that I'm not attractive to men that accompany it.
But it is what it is, whether it is a "shortage of men" or me looking or behaving that I am unattractive and repelling possible dates. I'm a work in progress. Even if I'm in a burned out slump right now, I'm grateful for how much experience and growth I've had in the two years. You're a fun guy from an awesome family; and I think I'm that too (except I'm a girl!)--we're gonna get there. One day.
As always, well said! Gotta put my two cents in. And then link to this article on my own "dating" blog. :-) For me the introvert, I have exhausted myself in the last 2 years putting myself completely out of my comfort zone every time. Dates have occurred. With my record of 0 before, I had an increase of about 2000%, though more than half of those I had to do the asking which is completely against my nature and for me, socially wrong.
But I had set goals because I'd like to get out there to get to know people better, try to make them feel good, and to practice my own skills. I'm not going on first, second, or sometimes third dates because I want to marry the guy. I'm going because I want to have fun and if I start to feel more of a connection with the guy, great--let's see where it goes! I've had to set goals in relation to dating and the only way for me to meet the goals was to ask the guys since they weren't asking as much. I've been grateful for the experiences, but I would have preferred not having the awkwardness or the feeling that I'm not attractive to men that accompany it.
But it is what it is, whether it is a "shortage of men" or me looking or behaving that I am unattractive and repelling possible dates. I'm a work in progress. Even if I'm in a burned out slump right now, I'm grateful for how much experience and growth I've had in the two years. You're a fun guy from an awesome family; and I think I'm that too (except I'm a girl!)--we're gonna get there. One day.
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