FYI

Obedience is a powerful thing.

It affects dreams, wishes, desires, and prayers.

And because of it, I am now living in a beautiful dream of reality as countless spoken and unspoken prayers have been answered toward the 2nd greatest desire and wish of my heart being granted.

I will relishly be relinquishing single status in about 6 months.

34 Reasons Why I am A Great Choice for a(n active LDS) Man to Marry

So, last year I wrote a slightly facetious post about 33 reasons why I might still be single at 33. Well, now I'm 34. And I honestly cannot believe how much has changed in just a year, especially in regards to social life, dating, and relationships. There were extremely tough times, which led to my recent #34Before34 challenge to keep my mind off the tough times. But there has been so much amazing and wonderful in this last year, too! All because of my Unleash Your Inner Goddess seminar, lessons, training (whatever else you want to call it all). I look over last year's list and now can see many flaws in it, no matter how facetious some of them may have been.

Thus it came to my mind that I should write a more positive list this year. Maybe it will come across as full of myself. But considering what my fears and barriers in dating have been (that I am invisible to men, or that I am 2nd choice, last choice, or no choice at all), I think this is a wise endeavor--though a really tough one! (Addendum: it took me a whole day to write this post.)

And so, may I present to you

34 Reasons Why I am A Great Choice for a(n active LDS) Man to Marry

1. I am active LDS, because I want to be and I love to be. 

2. I have a testimony of the Gospel and its principles, especially of the Atonement.

3. I love the temple, and actually go there to serve. :-)

4. I have an odd sense of humor. Guaranteed to make somebody laugh.

5. I know enough cooking and baking that we wouldn't starve. He might even enjoy it. ;-) (And I promise not to feed him any of my random meals unless he actually wants one.)

6. I'm actually pleasant to look at, when my face chooses to cooperate.

7. I can sing fairly well, and adore doing so--free entertainment, though generally in the musical genres of my choice. I'll also be able to sing lullabies to our children, and to him if he wishes.

8. I love to dance, even if I'm not good at it. Fun, simple, even cheap to no cost activity choices there--whether at an event or just at home.

9. I like to clean. I like to live in a place that is clean. So I will make sure that place we will live in is clean, and have an enjoyable time making it so.

10. I have some fabulous hair he can play with. Just so long as he knows it takes some effort to keep my hair as healthy as it is, and that sometimes that hair gets cut for donations as well as healthiness and upkeep.

11. I have a very strong and healthy sex drive. ;-)

12. And guess what? As someone who has never been married, I have still maintained my values and standards and kept myself chaste for the man I will marry. Don't discredit me as some men have because I am "inexperienced." Value me because I had the strength and courage to fight for my virtue and purity all these years, especially with that strong and healthy sex drive.

13. I love to read. Free entertainment, easy gift choices, and endless possibilities of intelligent, interesting conversation topics.

14. I love teaching. I will enjoy teaching our children the Gospel, early literacy skills, how to have fun, and so much more. I'll especially love having him as my partner to teach these things.

15. I love children and I want children.

16. I try to keep the Gospel and the Spirit in my home as much as possible. I make my home a refuge from the world.

17. I know and love the scriptures, and love to keep learning from them.

18. I sustain and follow my Church leaders.

19. I honor and respect the Priesthood, and those worthy men who hold it and exercise its keys in righteousness.

20. I absolutely love life. With its ups and downs, its bright spots and dark ones, its highs and lows, its Gethsemanes and Liberty Jails as well as its Nauvoos and Promised Lands. "Come what may, and love it." Pollyanna Positive Points in everything.

21. I own a house. Yes. He may have one, too. Details that can be worked out later. But I have an absolutely adorable house that mirrors my personality. Would give anything to share that with him, but if that is not in our plan, so be it. So long as he knows I have spent a few years learning how to budget for and take care of a house, and have developed a few skills and know-how along the way with that.

22. I am single at 34, still active in the Church, still believing in, hoping for, and working for an eternal marriage to my best friend. Why and how do I still believe, hope, and work? Because I trust in the Lord. I know He knows what is best for me. I know His timing is the best, and I trust in that, too.

23. That previous one? It's tied to patience, too. Not always my strongest virtue, but wow I have had a long time to work on developing it! I think I'm doing a fairly decent job at times with that.

24. I am not afraid of the task, challenge, work ahead of us in a marriage, because I am ready to give it my all, I trust that he will give it his all, and the two of us will always be sure that Heavenly Father is a part of our marriage, and it is Him we are trying to ever grow closer to.

25. I like to give neck and shoulder massages, and hand massages. And head massages. Possibly could do foot and back--just haven't had the opportunity (or inclination) to do those. Basically, I like to make others comfortable and help them relax. I can't imagine too many men who would not like some kind of service like this once in a while.

26. I have been reading and studying all kinds of topics that help in any kind of relationship, but with dating and marital relationships specifically in mind. I am even enrolled in a wife class. Why? Because I want to fill my arsenal with every tool I can to make our marriage successful. I don't want to just try at this marriage thing. I want to succeed in it and have a fabulously wonderful, fun, uplifting, engaging, growing time as we do so.

27. I know how to relax and have a good time. I am not all business. I am not all seriousness. Sometimes I like to go out for a good time. Sometimes I like to stay in. I enjoy an occasional lazy moment (or day). I like to eat junk food here and there. I like to sleep in or take a nap. I like to take it slow once in a while.

28. Along with the previous, I also enjoy exercising, eating healthy things, and trying to keep fit at a healthy, not obsessive level. I won't be a couch potato. But I won't be a health nut either. I am balanced in the middle and find peace, comfort, and happiness at that balance.

29. Mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, social, and physical knowledge and health are important to me.

30. I love my Savior.

31. I love my Heavenly Father.

32. I love my family and work to maintain those relationships, in spite of occasional opposition.

33. I love myself, even if I may at times struggle with some self-esteem issues, or personal doubts, or fighting the natural man, or whatever else may lie in my path. I have spent my lifetime getting to know who I am, developing who I am (which will always be a work in progress), and loving who I am. My Father and my Savior help me in that love. Because I have been able to come to love me, I am ready for a wonderful man to come to love me, too.

34. I am ready to face, meet, challenge, discover, and embrace the world with that man. Now.

Dumb Me--I'm Doing It All Again!

Yesterday I did something stupid. Here I've spent months trying to "Close the Back Door," and then I just opened it wide and shouted out "Hello there!!!" I have immediately been trying to close it again. And while it was really stupid of me, it certainly was glorious. Fun, enjoyable, memorable. I laughed so much. I made him laugh! (That surprised me.) There was always easy, ready conversation. He could dance--which made the fun twice what it could have been. And it was so easy and natural to just be relaxed and be myself!

The problem with opening that door and then closing it reminds me of exactly what I've been looking for in a relationship--and seeing that it actually exists somewhere. But there have been so few in my life where I have felt this way. And I have to grasp so tightly to the faint, usually fleeting hope that I can find this yet again with some other man--but one who will feel the same way in return. That is a very, very difficult hope to hold on to. Which is why Closing the back door hurts. But I'm only hurting myself more if I don't. The last 5 months have already proved that.

My Current, Huge Dilemma

This past week I had my 3rd week-long training (in the span of 9 months) which also "concluded" the project my team was working on. This entire program is called ILEAD (Innovative Librarians Explore Apply & Discover), which originated out of Illinois. I was lucky to be able to participate in Utah's 2nd year. I have gained so much from these 9 months' experiences. I was rejuvenated, inspired, and all kinds of wonderful concerning my particular job but also my overall career as a librarian.

For a couple of years, I have felt myself being encouraged and nudged by many superiors and mentors to consider moving up the ladder in my career. Administration was never appealing to me. My supervisor suggested twice that I take the Supervisors' course and I explained that I was perfectly happy where I was. And I am! I love my collection development responsibilities. I love working the desk. And I most especially love my work in programs and with the youth. It is the best part of my job, doing storytimes and Teen Hours and Doctor Who & Star Wars parties, and more.

But the carrot of moving up has been dangling closer and closer in front of me in the last 2 years, and all around me trying to tell me how amazing that carrot is. In the dating world, I have loved my carrot analogy. That carrot has been a lifeline. But in my job? I don't know. After doing this ILEAD program, I can see more positives about being a library branch manager. I can see in myself the skills and attributes that would be perfect to take on such a responsibility. I've even glimpsed how I could actually enjoy it, excel at it, and make a difference.

Yet there is one very huge thing that holds me back. Something that makes that carrot the most unappealing thing to me.

I want to be a wife and mother.

And by that, I mean I want to be a stay-at-home mother. I want to be a homemaker. Not just a one-day off homemaker. I want to keep my house clean, organized, and full of fun, laughter, and the Spirit. I want to be there for my children when they come home from school. I want to be at home when they are young to teach them so many things in those crucial early years. I want to be the mom who takes them to storytime. I want to be home when my husband returns from work, and make every effort to be there for him as he needs it. I know what a full day of work can do to a person. I know how tiring it is. The need to unwind. I don't want us to deal with that at the same time as trying to take care of the kids. I want to fully be his support when he returns. I want to hear about his day if he wants or needs to share it. I want to have dinner waiting for him so he can sit and relax and begin to unwind. I know that all seems rosy-colored and there would be days of him coming home when I was already at the end of my rope because of the kids. But you know what? I see that in all of my married, stay-at-home mother friends. And I still want it.

I love the challenge of my job. I love that there is always something new and different to deal with. But I have forever wanted the challenge and joy of being my husband's wife, and being my children's mother.

So, why go up the ladder when I know that at some point I will very willingly jump off of it?

True, I cannot base my decisions on "If/When I get married." If I'd done that, I would have no Master's degree and would be struggling in lower end jobs rather than be in the 2nd-choice career that brings me so much happiness. And who knows how long I will continue on the single road? I would hope more than anything that it isn't long. But I cannot guarantee. I cannot know. And I cannot hold back my life on the hope. That's not how life works. We go on with it and when a change comes along, that's when we deal with it.

It worries me that I will go through with the decision to climb. That we--because it wouldn't be just me involved--such a decision would affect an entire library branch as well as admin staff and my current counterparts at other branches AND all the patrons I serve--would go through so much trouble, effort, etc. to get me to that position, only for me to leave it as soon as the first baby was born.

I have considered over the last years keeping my toe in the water by being a sub librarian when I am a mother, because it would keep me up with all the changes in the library world, and still give me a taste of something that has given me joy and fulfillment for the last 16 years. My Wife 4 Life Dazzle, if you will. And then should I ever need to return to work because of unforeseen circumstances, I'd still be in the game and be ready to go back easily.

But staying with the job full time? No. I want to be at home with my babies. With my husband when he is not working.

Do I really want to go through all that moving up, just to give it up?

Yet do I let my 2 greatest dreams that have no timeline or prospects control my life now?

There is living in hope, but there is also not sure how to live because of that hope.

Your Choice

Read this article tonight. Nothing exactly new, but with dating, I'm perfectly fine with constant repeating. What stood out the most to me was the very end. I gleaned this in college when I read the referenced Bruce R. McConkie talk "Agency or Inspiration - Which?"

[Y]ou don't go to Heavenly Father and say ‘Should I marry this person?’ Because if you haven't decided, He won't.”

I have a testimony of this, as I was on the opposite end in the situation. Mr. Best Friend at one time reached a point when he started praying to know if he should marry me. Unbeknownst to me. We weren't dating. In all those years, we never exclusively dated. We went on about 5 or 6 dates total, as friends, usually for my birthday. (And one very random Valentine's Day.) It rather floored me when many months later I learned that he had done this. Some of the minor thoughts were

*Why would Heavenly Father say "yes" when we're not even dating. Yes, we may know each other better than most dating couples. But shouldn't we have an active interest in each other before we approach the idea of marriage?

*Why would you ask such a question without me as a part of it. Of course you wouldn't get a yes answer. That's borderline to the story of men who say they've received a revelation that they should marry such-and-such girl. Those kind of prayers work so much better in answers (whether in the affirmative or not) when the two of you are having the prayers. Not necessarily having the prayers together. But on your own both offering those prayers.

*How in the world would you ever expect Heavenly Father to tell you "yes, marry this girl" when my prayers were pleading "Help me get over him and get on with my life?" Contrary purposes. Wasn't going to happen.

But the major thought was knowing what Elder McConkie had said. You make the decision, and you go to the Lord with that decision. I tried to explain this, but it never really got through because by that point I was the spurned female who came off as bemoaning my rejection. And no, that wasn't the case. I was certainly frustrated and hurt. But I loved that man, and I didn't want him to keep making mistakes like that. (By the way, he figured it out, as he is happily married to a most wonderful woman.)

It's kind of annoying to still see this "Should I marry her/him" in so many relationships around me. Guess what? In this case, again, I know better! And I'm very, very grateful that I do! Because it isn't just about this is the best way to go about it. Or even the counseled way from Apostles and other Church leaders. It's because it is our choice. The Lord gave us agency for a reason. We choose our life, and then we choose to be happy with the choices we've made. A little confirmation or negation on decisions helps prevent us from making egregious mistakes that we do not have the foresight to see. But otherwise, our Eternal Parents want us to choose and live our lives for ourselves. They don't want to decide for us, or live it for us. So rejoice in your agency, and in your freedom and ability to choose. And go choose your spouse and your happiness for yourself!