Another FYI

Our 7 month engagement got cut short when, after 4 months, we decided to elope to the Provo City Center Temple.

A new direction for my Happily Ever After has come about.

But I am still keeping my eye single to God.

I still feel I am a spokesperson for LDS Singledom, because I saw more than many LDS members I meet, and I have no problem talking about it.

I also feel like now I can help others in being honest that marriage ain't no easy road. We hear that so often in lessons and in passing. But you really cannot know until you know.

Plus, compared to Singledom? Good gracious you had better not play around when making your choice! And remember how imperative it is to keep the Lord in your marriage.

I knew all this before.

But now I am knowing it.

5 months in. Eternity to go.

And I am loving every bit of it.

FYI

Obedience is a powerful thing.

It affects dreams, wishes, desires, and prayers.

And because of it, I am now living in a beautiful dream of reality as countless spoken and unspoken prayers have been answered toward the 2nd greatest desire and wish of my heart being granted.

I will relishly be relinquishing single status in about 6 months.

Today

Today I still have 

My mom and dad
My beloved sister
My brothers
My amazing in-laws
My "niephews" 
My home
My job
My patrons who love me
My co-workers who love and support me
My neighbors and ward members
My testimony
My health
My car
My legs and feet
My arms and hands
My hair (yes, I'm going to put that in there :-) )
My eyes
My friends and very best friends
My aunts, uncles, and cousins
My blogs
My games
My Happy Now list
My memories
My love
My heart
My beliefs
My freedoms
My voice
My Church leaders
My tissues
My books
My blankets
My joy
My ability to serve
My temple recommend
My smile
My sense of humor
My food
My sense of security
My experiences
My desires
My Lord's Gospel
My scriptures
My journals
My gift of the Holy Ghost
My Redeemer
My Heavenly Father
My future


Today, I am overwhelmed. 
Today I am mourning.
Today I am tired.
Today I am crying.

But

Today, I am grateful.
Today, I am fortunate.
Today, I am blessed.

34 Reasons Why I am A Great Choice for a(n active LDS) Man to Marry

So, last year I wrote a slightly facetious post about 33 reasons why I might still be single at 33. Well, now I'm 34. And I honestly cannot believe how much has changed in just a year, especially in regards to social life, dating, and relationships. There were extremely tough times, which led to my recent #34Before34 challenge to keep my mind off the tough times. But there has been so much amazing and wonderful in this last year, too! All because of my Unleash Your Inner Goddess seminar, lessons, training (whatever else you want to call it all). I look over last year's list and now can see many flaws in it, no matter how facetious some of them may have been.

Thus it came to my mind that I should write a more positive list this year. Maybe it will come across as full of myself. But considering what my fears and barriers in dating have been (that I am invisible to men, or that I am 2nd choice, last choice, or no choice at all), I think this is a wise endeavor--though a really tough one! (Addendum: it took me a whole day to write this post.)

And so, may I present to you

34 Reasons Why I am A Great Choice for a(n active LDS) Man to Marry

1. I am active LDS, because I want to be and I love to be. 

2. I have a testimony of the Gospel and its principles, especially of the Atonement.

3. I love the temple, and actually go there to serve. :-)

4. I have an odd sense of humor. Guaranteed to make somebody laugh.

5. I know enough cooking and baking that we wouldn't starve. He might even enjoy it. ;-) (And I promise not to feed him any of my random meals unless he actually wants one.)

6. I'm actually pleasant to look at, when my face chooses to cooperate.

7. I can sing fairly well, and adore doing so--free entertainment, though generally in the musical genres of my choice. I'll also be able to sing lullabies to our children, and to him if he wishes.

8. I love to dance, even if I'm not good at it. Fun, simple, even cheap to no cost activity choices there--whether at an event or just at home.

9. I like to clean. I like to live in a place that is clean. So I will make sure that place we will live in is clean, and have an enjoyable time making it so.

10. I have some fabulous hair he can play with. Just so long as he knows it takes some effort to keep my hair as healthy as it is, and that sometimes that hair gets cut for donations as well as healthiness and upkeep.

11. I have a very strong and healthy sex drive. ;-)

12. And guess what? As someone who has never been married, I have still maintained my values and standards and kept myself chaste for the man I will marry. Don't discredit me as some men have because I am "inexperienced." Value me because I had the strength and courage to fight for my virtue and purity all these years, especially with that strong and healthy sex drive.

13. I love to read. Free entertainment, easy gift choices, and endless possibilities of intelligent, interesting conversation topics.

14. I love teaching. I will enjoy teaching our children the Gospel, early literacy skills, how to have fun, and so much more. I'll especially love having him as my partner to teach these things.

15. I love children and I want children.

16. I try to keep the Gospel and the Spirit in my home as much as possible. I make my home a refuge from the world.

17. I know and love the scriptures, and love to keep learning from them.

18. I sustain and follow my Church leaders.

19. I honor and respect the Priesthood, and those worthy men who hold it and exercise its keys in righteousness.

20. I absolutely love life. With its ups and downs, its bright spots and dark ones, its highs and lows, its Gethsemanes and Liberty Jails as well as its Nauvoos and Promised Lands. "Come what may, and love it." Pollyanna Positive Points in everything.

21. I own a house. Yes. He may have one, too. Details that can be worked out later. But I have an absolutely adorable house that mirrors my personality. Would give anything to share that with him, but if that is not in our plan, so be it. So long as he knows I have spent a few years learning how to budget for and take care of a house, and have developed a few skills and know-how along the way with that.

22. I am single at 34, still active in the Church, still believing in, hoping for, and working for an eternal marriage to my best friend. Why and how do I still believe, hope, and work? Because I trust in the Lord. I know He knows what is best for me. I know His timing is the best, and I trust in that, too.

23. That previous one? It's tied to patience, too. Not always my strongest virtue, but wow I have had a long time to work on developing it! I think I'm doing a fairly decent job at times with that.

24. I am not afraid of the task, challenge, work ahead of us in a marriage, because I am ready to give it my all, I trust that he will give it his all, and the two of us will always be sure that Heavenly Father is a part of our marriage, and it is Him we are trying to ever grow closer to.

25. I like to give neck and shoulder massages, and hand massages. And head massages. Possibly could do foot and back--just haven't had the opportunity (or inclination) to do those. Basically, I like to make others comfortable and help them relax. I can't imagine too many men who would not like some kind of service like this once in a while.

26. I have been reading and studying all kinds of topics that help in any kind of relationship, but with dating and marital relationships specifically in mind. I am even enrolled in a wife class. Why? Because I want to fill my arsenal with every tool I can to make our marriage successful. I don't want to just try at this marriage thing. I want to succeed in it and have a fabulously wonderful, fun, uplifting, engaging, growing time as we do so.

27. I know how to relax and have a good time. I am not all business. I am not all seriousness. Sometimes I like to go out for a good time. Sometimes I like to stay in. I enjoy an occasional lazy moment (or day). I like to eat junk food here and there. I like to sleep in or take a nap. I like to take it slow once in a while.

28. Along with the previous, I also enjoy exercising, eating healthy things, and trying to keep fit at a healthy, not obsessive level. I won't be a couch potato. But I won't be a health nut either. I am balanced in the middle and find peace, comfort, and happiness at that balance.

29. Mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, social, and physical knowledge and health are important to me.

30. I love my Savior.

31. I love my Heavenly Father.

32. I love my family and work to maintain those relationships, in spite of occasional opposition.

33. I love myself, even if I may at times struggle with some self-esteem issues, or personal doubts, or fighting the natural man, or whatever else may lie in my path. I have spent my lifetime getting to know who I am, developing who I am (which will always be a work in progress), and loving who I am. My Father and my Savior help me in that love. Because I have been able to come to love me, I am ready for a wonderful man to come to love me, too.

34. I am ready to face, meet, challenge, discover, and embrace the world with that man. Now.

Another and Rather Odd First For Me

6 months ago, I learned some of my barriers in dating and relationships. One of those is that I thought I was invisible to men. That I was ugly and unattractive and they didn't see or want me. This included physically as well as mentally, intellectually, and in personality. The barrier wasn't just one I put up once in my life to protect me. It was a compound over several years that made it bigger and messier and tougher to break through. Luckily, for 2+ years before I attended my Inner Goddess weekend and learned what that barrier was, I had many things (dating coach, dating books, articles, etc.) that were helping me to hack away at that barrier. By the time I got to my Goddess weekend, that barrier was crumbling. But it helped so much when I was able to give it a name, and fully get rid of it.

Well, almost fully. Once in a while I have glimpses of that barrier and I have to re-direct my thoughts and energy to something else.

So it is the greatest irony to me that in the last 6 months, one of the main troubles I am having with dating are men who are too focused on, interested in, or distracted by the physical attractions I have to offer them. Now some of the guys I meet I can tell are the kind that just "want some," and I am not flattered (though admittedly, I am still surprised). But then there are others who seem like fairly "normal" men (whatever that means), who tell me they find me attractive, and a couple whom I have allowed to act on that attraction.

I am flattered by that attraction. And still surprised. But frankly--and I never thought that I would ever be saying this: I am tired of men finding me physically attractive!

Not that I want to be unattractive. And not that I don't want a man to be physically attracted to me.

But what ever happened to men who knew how to have conversations, and to build friendships, and to have fun that didn't include the physical?! The men who didn't let their sex drive steer their entire course of dating me? What happened to the men who had and showed respect? Who would listen when I told him that it wasn't the focus I wanted in a relationship, or that there are lines that I won't cross and yet they keep trying to cross them? The ones who would take my "No" for an answer and not continue to try and jeopardize both of us? And yes, I do mean LDS men.

Before you wonder--I have not done anything to break covenants I have made with my Heavenly Father. But I am meeting men who start off being great and nice and fun who later change the relationship, to where I am suddenly just a physical object for their pleasure and they care nothing about who I am.

I still believe that there are good LDS men out there who know how to control their desires, respect the women they date, and honestly want to meet and get to know non-physically their best friend. And because I believe it, and pray for it, and seek for it, I know I will find it. And will continue to pray that the Lord will help protect me as well as make me aware of those guys whose intentions are not those that are the best for both of us.

P.S. I am not saying that physical affection is bad. But moderation and control, especially in the very beginning, is crucial or else that becomes the focus and the foundation--which is a guarantee for failure.

Driven Forth Before the Wind

My most recent experiences and lessons in the dating world--a culmination of last week's events, anyway-- are related to disappointment and unmet expectations. I know all about how you should not have expectations, because the majority of disappointment, frustration, etc. in relationships are when someone creates expectations...which inevitably do not get met.

I didn't realize that I was creating the expectations, and therein lay the problem. I was just loving what I was discovering, and somehow formed something in my mind which I absolutely loved and desired. That wasn't necessarily the problem. It was that somewhere in there I also created an expectation that what I was envisioning was reality. So, of course, that expectation was sorely unmet on Saturday. The disappointment is a different kind than I usually experience in dating. And rather big.

Leaves one wanting to give up. Again.

But I have learned too much and come too far to ever give up.

Luckily, I had a spiritual reminder on Sunday that brought everything back in to remembrance and focus. I love the many, many lessons one can gain from the stories about the Brother of Jared in the Book or Mormon. He builds barges to take his people to the promised land. We all know about the preparations he makes for the trip in those barges. Many of the lessons focus on that. But we often forget that on the journey, they were driven to and fro with the waves, tossed on the waters, and often plummeted into the depths. All while being driven forth toward the promised land.

I see the last 3 years of my dating experiences, lessons, etc. (and probably the wandering 12 years before that) very much like the journey of Jared's people. With the dating coach, I was building the barges and learning what to put inside to help on my journey. I have been set out on my journey, with the Goddess Weekend being my lighted stones as well as my trust that God is taking me on the right path. But that doesn't mean that my journey will be a smooth one. It is going to be extremely rough, full of riotous waves and putting me into the depths. But that is only because I am getting closer to the promised land. I am so close!! As I heard the missionary telling his story, I felt the Spirit impress upon me that I am close. This is my tempestuous journey in the sea, but the Lord is still directing me. I am still on the right course. And I am almost to my destination.

So maybe I am disappointed. Again if albeit differently. So I am frustrated and annoyed again. So I am exhausted throughout every bit of it. It will all be worth it. Because I believe in the promised land. And it is so close.

Spring is Coming--it's almost here!

I had forgotten how many emotions can be endured and lessons learned/reinforced in only a few days. Truly, the best part of all the failed relationships I've had over the years is how much I grow mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and intellectually. Mark a few more taller notches on my growth chart--this one is a huge growth spurt. In just 4 days, I have re-learned about forgiveness, answers to prayers, and the power of the Atonement while repeatedly and randomly cycling through all 5 stages of mourning and grief (denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). You'd think once one reaches acceptance they're done. But no. I have accepted it by the end of one day, and then wake up to a different stage.

I've gone through the same thing with my aunt's death last summer. I have accepted it. I am so grafetul for eternal families. Yet when I went to visit her grave a month ago I burst out in tears from missing her so much and still in disbelief that she is gone from us here on earth.

What was amazing is that I have been listening to my I Need to Cry playlist all this time, knowing I had tears that needed to come out for a more fuller healing of myself. I know me. That's how I work. Yesterday I felt on top of the world, because in the temple the previous night I was able to forgive him for what he did. But this morning? I woke up, and finally cried. Rather unexpected. By that point I guessed that there would be no tears. But I was wrong. And I feel there are still a few more that want out before I've cleansed the aching soul. Amazing that you can forgive someone, yet there is still residual pain. Probably because even though I hadn't given him my heart as I'd done in previous relationships, I gave him a part of myself that I had never given before. I compromised a bit on my side, yet there was still a lot of meaning and intention and even commitment in what I gave. He worried I would regret that. And I wouldn't have, save for how he chose to end it.

However, I'm not missing him. I'm missing the relationship we were building. I had a date last night with a man I've known for 10 years. It was comfortable. It was nice. But I could not help thinking throughout it how much it was lacking from what I'd just had. Not saying that it couldn't build in time with date guy, but I was just reminded how far and how deeply break-up guy and I had gotten to. How he qualmed so many of my social anxieties. How it was so easy and natural to be with him. How our conversations ran absolutely everywhere. I was missing that. That's what I thought of when I woke. That's what brought on tears.

But I have forgiven him. He may be a huge idiot (I really hope he doesn't get hurt by his decision). And he is rather self-centered, as the majority of our relationship focused on him and his thoughts and his opinions and his needs and his timeline and his desires. That's what I was hoping to address with him Monday night. But I didn't get a chance. There is relief to a point. I don't have to deal with those aspects now. But I had really wanted to. I had wanted to try and move past our second real barrier.

Instead I found myself facing, alone, his betrayal. For by Wednesday I figured out that is exactly what he did. He betrayed me with a kiss. (Well, several hundred kisses.) And I was so angry. But in the temple, I put things in perspective and could see that when Jesus was betrayed, it was a much deeper, more painful, more knowing and willing betrayal than what I endured. And I prayed for help to let go and forgive him. The Savior answered that prayer, and I felt amazing yesterday. I felt whole and my soul was lighter and freer.

Yet in the evening and then this morning, I could see that the last vestiges of the whole ordeal remain. I need to forgive her. I didn't realize I needed to until I noticed that anger kept returning, and it is because of her role in all this. I'm having an extremely difficult time with this--it may be the hardest part for me. But I really, really want to move on. And I don't want something as trivial as this to hold me back.

So currently I'm praying for help with that. And listening to either Josh Groban's "You are Loved" or "For Always" on repeat. I haven't reached "My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee" on repeat, which means I am doing very well, actually. That fact alone reminds me that I've endured much worse, as well as what an incredible future full of promised blessings I have in store for me!

I just came back from a walk on my lunch break. And I came up with an analogy to go with all this! I know. I love my analogies (as seen in spiritual life as well as previously in dating). We had snow last Monday--on THE day. We've been having snow here and there for the last 2 or 3 weeks. And it seemed like spring just couldn't make it through. Or maybe it would come but be very stunted. Today as I walked, I looked around and noticed that in spite of the snow and cold temperatures, spring is determined here in Utah. It is tenacious and fighting with such a will. There are blossoms on trees, and green buds forming. Daffodils and crocuses still blooming in spite of the chill and earlier snow. It is beautiful, and it brings hope.

And that is me in this frustrating, unpredictable, upsetting, disheartening wintery dating world. I am determined. I am tenacious and I will fight with a will until I succeed. I will not let setbacks keep me from reaching my potential. From continuing to grow. To be powerful. To be full of life. To be beautiful.

To. Be. Full. Of. Hope.

That's the name of this blog! I live in hope. I will continue to do so. I am determined and I will keep going. Like spring in Utah I will not let anything set me back from achieving my potential and what the Lord intends for me.

Losing Hope

Then there are the times, much more frequent over the last few months than ever before, when I am completely done with the whole dating thing. I've managed so far to live just fine on my own. While I know I need and want a man at my side, these are the times when the idea of all the work involved to merge our two lives together seems like such a hassle. Especially considering how much of a hassle the dating part right now is. I lose hope that any man I am attracted to (in all the ways) will be attracted to me. That no man will want me at his side as he seeks for and then pursues his Quest. Checking out from the game seems the most appealing option. Much less stress, much less roller coaster of emotions. But checking out has caused so much singleness in my life already. And it isn't putting my faith in God and His timing, nor giving my all in effort to prove myself worthy of such a great gift and blessing as my best friend.

But where is--or what is--the fine line of "Stop thinking about it and it will just happen" and "I'm done with this?"

Lean On..._______?

Being single, I have had to find my own independence. While that has made me strong and able to live not just on my own, but live well on my own, that doesn't mean it is what I want or need. Because guess what? I need a man. I need my husband, or my castle as my Wife class has made analogy to. Many may say it is unfeminine and/or demeaning my own gender to say so, but I heartily disagree.


Why? Because I was not meant to do all of this on my own. I was meant to have an equal partner--a man to help support me and me to support him.

For us to work together in making our dreams come true and to have someone to rely and lean on when times are rough for one or both of us.

And though I'm doing a fairly decent job of living on my own and making it on my own, I inevitably reach times like right now. When I'm ready to fall over because I cannot take any more. I'm exhausted from bearing it all alone. And I have no one to lean on. No one to help me carry that load. No one to hold me while I cry and try to find my strength again. It is not the only reason I would like my husband, my castle with me now, but oh my it sure stands out to me when I reach these moments.


Where is the man who will let me put my head on his shoulder because it is too heavy to remember all it needs to do.

To hold me up because my back cannot bear the burdens any more.

To wipe away the tears.

To let me know in his every action that all will one day be well again--and that I can make it through anything because he is at my side.

And where is the man who will give me my greatest desire and purpose in this life--to do and be all of those things for him when he needs it?

Times like now can be rough. So instead I'll try to make myself feel better by watching fictional couples live what I long for. :-) And by relying on my Savior. Though He cannot help me as my husband one day will, He will continue to give me emotional and spiritual peace and reassurance and I'll continue on continuing on as I have all the other times.

*This post brought to you by my love of period dramas, British shows, and admiration of fictional couples.

A Stupor of Thought--and Feelings and More

I've had a rough week. It is ending with me 90% making a decision about dating a guy, which brings peace yet guilt. In the 3 months we've known each other, we've managed 3 dates. Of course, those dates actually took place within 3 weeks of each other, since the first half of our knowing each other was too busy for either of us to go on a date. A fourth could have taken place, but busy schedules still conflict. And now for me, there is something else to consider. I've been trying this whole time to just relax, practice, and not worry or overanalyze or get too excited. Yet it has come to my notice that during this whole 3 months, I've never been excited. I was excited to finally get a 3rd date after so many years, but it wasn't because of the guy I was going with. And I felt that even though I shouldn't be over-analyzing, I should probably at least make an analysis of some kind. My dating coach says you usually can tell within the 1st 6 dates. Reaching a 4th date and finding myself unexcited, slightly bored, and feeling no connection should be saying something, right?

Yet therein lies the guilt. "On paper," this guy is exactly what I'm looking for. He's active in the Church because he wants to be. He is a temple worker, he does a lot of service, he fulfills his calling, he's served a mission, he's a gentleman, he is musical (in talent and in interests). I've learned a lot of the basics about him, which I can infer some of the deeper stuff from. But we haven't touched much on the deep stuff. Our 3 dates have been to things that don't allow much talking at. (That has always irked me ever since Mr. Freshman Year when 8 of our 9 dates were to things like that.) We would get a little to and from the activity, but not much until the last date when we finally had a (according to this introvert) real conversation. After that date, it was the only time I felt any excitement or interest. Which lasted a couple of days.

Because in between dates? Our conversation--all through text, another extremely irksome thing to me but I went with it because of our crazy, busy schedules--was paltry at most. There was absolutely no depth. It started to get predictable--I could guess what day and time he was going to send a text, and exactly what he was going to ask. And the questions were always extremely basic, not inviting much depth. And when I returned questions to get depth from him, I got a few word answers instead. I blame part of the lack of a connection for me on these trivial conversations that felt more of a "by the way I'm still here, are you?" I realized each time I actually saw him in person, it felt like a first date all over again because it was dying in between.

I wasn't really sure what he was wanting or why/how/if he was interested and to what degree except that it was a date to pass the time and there were no other options to be had right now. I honestly don't know. And if I'm being fully honest, I might as well also say that until the one tiny spark at the end of the 3rd date that quickly died out, there wasn't much interest on my part. All of these things that I was learning should have made me excited, right? Should have had me excited that I was finding things I've been looking for and been trying to be, right? Yet it wasn't there. And my dating coach has been teaching me to match the man's efforts, because in the past I've done it all wrong and just gone for it, tried to kindle flames from sparks, tried to encourage things. In essence, taking full control of the relationship and investing so much while the man was investing little to nothing. I didn't want to make that mistake. So I was waiting to see his interest and investment. Too much space and mostly silence with an occasional "how's it going" wasn't much to make me feel a lot of interest in me or investment.

So here I've been all week with every conflicting emotion, thought, and years of lessons racing at me (whether from my dating coach, all my failed previous attempts, dating blogs, LDS apostles' counsel, and examples I've seen in so many friends and family). Some of these have included
*Don't put too much thought into it.
*Just let things be.
*Relax. Open yourself up to options.
*'Sparks' can come with time.
*Physical attraction can come with time.
*It's only been a few dates, it takes time.

I have let all of these things guide me during the last 3 months. And yet it all boils down to the fact that I really couldn't care if I never saw this guy again. I'm not excited about him, I'm not excited about getting to know him, and I really have no interest in spending more time with him or getting to know more about him. Which leads me to believe that I am a terrible, horrible, awful person. I can't nail down any specific reasons except two would never "hold up in court."
1) I feel no connection with him
2) I believe the Spirit is OKing it

I hear the voices telling me I haven't given it enough time and effort to feel a connection. But I feel to disagree. In fact, I think I've been trying to force a connection because on paper everything looks right. It should be something I want and feel excited about, so I must make a connection somehow. But that hasn't worked. And it has actually led to at some points feeling like I would throw up, and complete emotional upheaval or unsettling. The last time I felt so unsettled was when I was trying to make my first mission decision in 2003. I kept making some decision that involved me going on a mission. As soon as I made the decision, I would start to get all upset inside. Couldn't concentrate on anything (mission related or not). I felt confused and upset and frustrated. After 4 or 5 different decisions, I finally made one that did not involve a mission in the near future. There was immediate peace and calm. I learned a great lesson of what "a stupor of thought" means. And it is exactly what I've been going through the last week, even more than that. I have been trying to figure out every way I could try to give him a chance, a better chance, a more informed chance by letting him know about the paltry texts killing any possible connection. But, even if that were fixed, that doesn't mean that suddenly a connection would take place. A connection might not be there because there is absolutely no chemistry between us. I compare him with previous men I've dated and there are stark differences in feelings and reactions and emotions.

And I've been praying for a good solid week on everything in relation to this. I finally got an answer a couple of days ago that, like Elder McConkie's Agency or Inspiration talk, it was completely my decision. What did I want? Make my choice and go to the Lord with it. So when I finally told him yesterday morning that I really did not want anything to do with this guy, that peace and calm came with it. And just like with the mission decision, there was guilt accompanying it. Because with that decision, I knew many in the LDS world would judge me. But even worse, I knew my family would be disappointed and questioning. I spent years having to deal with my mother's disapproval and lack of understanding when I wished that she could trust my personal revelation. But in spite of what the world thought, I had to go with what had been revealed to me upon my decision.

It is the same now. My two friends that I've kept in the loop on this look at me like I'm crazy. They support what I choose, but neither can see why I'm throwing away a perfectly good match. And if I were to listen to them as well as all those previous experiences/lessons voices, I would give in and stick with it. But I ignored the Spirit on a matter of dating once before, with Mr. Freshman Year. I spent a year of very difficult emotions trying to move past him and our very rocky break up because I did not listen at the beginning. I have to trust in my peace that I'm feeling, however guilty I feel with it because I have no "logical" answer if someone were to ask "why?"

And yet in spite of knowing what my choice is, and feeling at peace with it, I still think I'm an awful person. That there is something still wrong with me. That I'm not applying Alma 32 somehow.

Trusting in one's own faith, one's own decisions, and one's personal revelation is a lot harder than we usually think about.