Two Roads Diverged

I always knew that marriage would not be easy. Aside from the many books and articles I have read on relationships in hopes to prepare me for my own one day, I have observed countless other relationships. I know they are not all sunshine and roses--because even roses prick with their thorns and sunshine can cause sunburn or heat stroke. Opposition in all things requiring balance.

Yes, I am not married yet. We are in the engagement phase where we are making plans and adjustments. In a way it is nice to have the time for the adjustment. But it is also difficult, for as an LDS girl I know of the power of the adversary--and he is certainly trying to give it all he can.

I did not go into this relationship blind. I never thought it would be an easy thing. But I could never have imagined quite what it would be like. Like all those people who say you won't really understand anything about parenting until you have your own children. That baby-sitting and nanny-ing and any other child care is still not quite the same thing. Well, so it is with relationships. Especially relationships intended on marriage.

The last week was difficult for both of us. Emotions, stresses, mental and physical energy. It all wore on us. For me, it allowed the adversary to sneak in to tell me how unfit I am as a companion. What a terribly mistake this is. That being single is easier. So like the adversary--feeding lies mixed in with a truth. Because even before I met my love, I had come to the realization that singleness really is easier. It doesn't allow me to progress in many ways, but it sure is easier! A long while back I had to make the decision if I wanted the easier road, or the difficult one that would lead me to a greater joy and happiness and fulfillment that could never be found on the road for one. I made that choice then. I made it again when I told my love I would marry him. And ever since I have had to make that choice every day--sometimes several times in the day!

The adversary keeps trying to remind me that the single road is easier, but conveniently leaving out the memories of the loneliness and heartache and all those tears as I dealt with life single, alone, and frustrated in a spot I could not progress from. While trying to distract me with that half truth, he tries to throw in all those other things that feed off my doubts and insecurities. And it is a daily struggle--an even harder one because for the next few months I am still at a place where I could easily make a different choice.

Single is easier, but not worth it. And maybe I am inadequate and flawed. But heavens--aren't we all! Who on this earth aside from our Savior was ever perfect? Who ever knew all the answers and applied them all perfectly when it came to marriage? I am in great company of millions throughout earth's history who chose this route and fought every single step of the way to bring about the greatest blessing of their lives. And never let go. The Josh Groban song that I used to hold on to for the hope it gave--which hope for me was that my dream of finding the love of my life would come about one day--has now changed to not letting go of "all that we could be." All we are meant to be--but only together. I have never been one to shirk a challenge, unless I'm tired! :-) So it is time to "Awake and Arise" and fight what I must for the 3rd greatest choice of my life.

I can't understand it.
The search for an answer is met with a darker day.
And we've been handed these moments forever.
But I'm reassured there's another way.
You don't have to close your eyes.
There is room for love again.
Ease the pain to realize
All that love can be.
Forced apart by time and sand.
Take a step and take my hand.
And don't let it go.
Never let go.

Broken, once connected,
We were so strong and so blessed in a simple way.
So don't let me go it alone.
Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below but me.
Face the truth to realize
All that we could be.
Torn apart by rage and fear.
Hold onto what brought you here.
Don't let it go.
Never let go.

Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below.
Don't let go.

Not past feeling. I guess that's good.

I refuse to let another boy make me cry!

At least tonight.

Or, well, by tomorrow morning.

So out of the blue--where in the world did that come from?!?

I haven't felt my heart hurt this badly since Back Door Boy left me for another--or the other--woman. And even then, this feels different. Almost like I am going to be sick.

I am so confused and shocked, all I know to do is cry.

So, ok, I am letting another boy "make me" cry.

And once it is out, I will be fine.

How appropriate--crying during a rainstorm. Thoughts of "Remember When it Rained" and "Just Let Me Cry."

Because that's how it has always worked for me in the past.

I count on that for the future. And remember all the wonderful words I heard in Conference today, so I know it is true. I am happy, even joyful, amidst this randomly where-in-the-world trial.

Why did I waste my time and energy?

Today's dating frustration that needs venting:

Does this guy honestly think that because he keeps telling me I am hot that suddenly I am going to change the physical boundaries I have set in a dating relationship--particularly the early stages of a dating relationship? Stages I have explained to him more than once.

I just....

I don't....


I can't even finish a sentence of a thought!!!

I don't know how to feel. I'm too "aaaaagggghhhh-eeehhhhh-aaaarrrgghh-uuuuggg" to do a Feelings Check. Unless that is the feeling. Anyone want to define that one for me?

You know what. I will just type up our text conversations from the last few days. I'll just leave it there for you to see. And then I'm going to go check in with my Inner Goddess.

(Please note that before these conversations, there had been talk on the online dating site about physical affection. Twice. He wanted a lot, admitted he could "do things"--but nothing that was sinning, and knew I was trouble for him. I told him I waited a while before I let that enter a relationship. He didn't respond for a few days, then suddenly got on and asked to chat with me through text. So the following was not the first time he broached this subject, or the first time I had answered him.)

Saturday

Him: Did you have a fun party?

Me: Yes, we had fun. It helps that she is one of my very best friends.

Him: That's great :-) you will have no trouble pleasing your husband with a wide selection of food it appears

Me: Yeah, except that spread will only happen if there is an income that can cover it!

Him: Haha. That's very good to point out :-) what are you looking for?

Me: I am looking for a socially strong and confident man who reciprocates my passion for life and its many varied joys and adventures. I like a man who converses easily where conversation flows easily to and from many various topics, and the conversing is naturally equal on both sides. I like a man who makes me feel comfortable, confident, attractive. I like him to make me laugh, it is easy to be with him, and life is fun and exciting with him. I also like him to be appropriate and respectful of the boundaries I have which are there for reasons.

Him: Wow. Very descriptive. Thanks!

Me: Well, I am asked a lot. I've also had a lot of time to think on it and had plenty of dates and experiences with men to help me figure it out.

Him: Sounds great

Him: Can I tell you something?

Me: Okay

Him: I'm very respectful. Very affectionate. Very open and honest. I love the same in return. Compliments. Massages. Kisses.

Me: Okay

Him: ?

Me: I don't know how else to respond

Him: Ok. You can disagree. I just wonder what you think.

Me: Disagree about what? Think about what? About the level of affection I want in a relationship?

Him: Yes. Just how you are. If you're affectionate. If you like being held. Kissed.

Me: My love language is physical touch. But I also am very careful about letting the physical enter a relationship too soon. Physical affection implies a much deeper connection and commitment for me than it does most of the men I meet. I compromised before, and I refuse to do it again. I also hold off because if it enters a relationship too soon, it will become the focus of a relationship. Once it is right for it to be there, I absolutely love that element.

Him: Ok. I really appreciate that. Thanks

Me: You're welcome

Him: Idk if you could ever like me

Me: And why would you think that

Him: I am a fast mover.

Me: If you were truly interested in who I am and not just what I have to offer physically, then I would think the respect you say you have would come in to play until I was ready. But you know yourself better than I do, so...yeah

Him: Ok

Me: Then I guess it is your choice of what you want to happen here

Him: It's your choice just as much as mine

Me: I've told you where I stand. It is your choice if you want to continue or not

Him: Ok.

Him: So no touch at all for how many dates usually?

Me: I don't set a number. If I feel a connection I may hold hands as soon as a first date. I would enjoy hugs, and arms around each other and such. But I do not kiss until we're exclusive.

Him: Good to know

Sunday

Him: Good morning beautiful

Me: Thank you, and good afternoon to you!

Him: Thank you :-)

Monday

Him: Hey how was your day?

Me: Not bad. A/C was broken at work, but it was first night of musical practice and that made up for the long, hot day

Him: Oh that makes a long day

Me: Yes indeed. How was yours?

Him: Pretty good thanks! Want a pic of me this morning?

Me: I don't know--do I?

Him: Yes I think?

Me: Very well

Sends pic

Me: You look surprised that you are going to work.

Him: Haha :-)

Him: Can I have one of you please?

Me: Well, the most recent I have is from a few weeks ago.

I send picture

Him: Hottie

Me: Thank you

Him: Sure. I'd prob end up playing with your hair

Me: That only bothers me if I took a lot of time to fix it, or I need it to be presentable later

Him: Do you like it?

Me: Having my hair played with?

Him: Yes

Me: Well, yes, except for the two scenarios previously stated

Him: Ok. I'm highly physical.

Me: Yeah. I got that.

Him: And you're not?

Me: We've kind of already had this discussion.

Him: Ok

Wednesday (tonight)

Him: You are in trouble

Me: And why is that?

Him: Cuz lol

Me: Ok....

Him: I think you're hot

Me: Ok

Me: Thank you

Him: I don't think you can handle me

Me: I think we have had this discussion before, too.

Him: Do you want to meet?

Me: Ok. When is a good time for you?

Him: Remind me again where you live?

Me: I am in ______. But I didn't mean when tonight. I meant when in the next 3 weeks.

Him: You schedule 3 weeks in advance?

Me: I know I have a lot of things scheduled in the next 3 weeks, so us finding mutual time to meet could take that long

Him: Ok

(Half hour later--because honestly I wanted to get this over with. I had no desire to meet with him from the moment he started texting me. But I figured one date is one date. Let's schedule it and get it over with. Maybe I'll be wrong in person. I don't know. But this constant and repeated stream of conversation was about to drive me crazy.)

Me: So you don't want to meet some time then?

Him: I do. But need to know when

Me: That is why I asked you when you were available

Him: Ok. I'll let you know.

Me: Ok. Just head's up, things fill up fast as time goes on because of work, class, and now rehearsals, so don't wait too long or the availability will be even further into the future.

Him: Ok. So not available for at least 3 weeks?

Me: Right now I think I have a couple days open within the next 3 weeks. If you wait the 3 weeks, I can guarantee July will be filling up as those weeks go by.

Him: lol what days are those??

Me: I don't have my calendar with me. I can find it after class. But it will be easier if you tell me your availability

(Hour later)

Me: Ok. This Friday just got booked up. So my next available times are the evenings of june 24th and possibly the 25th.

Him: Wow

Me: People don't seem to believe me when I tell them this is my busiest time of year....

Him: It's fine. I'd be very handsy with you.

Me: Then it doesn't look like we will be meeting. Thank you anyway for your interests and compliments. Good luck in your searching.

Him: That easy of a decision. Ok

Me: I have told you more than once how I feel about physical touch too soon in a relationship and you seem to like to ignore it. I prefer a man who will respect me

Him: Ok. I will leave you alone then

Me: Thank you



I know I am not the perfect example of how to handle situations and conversations and such. I am a work in progress with SO much to learn. So I am not trying to put myself as the person in the right. I probably could have been more open, etc. But I'll be honest that this guy 99% put me off because every conversation we had turned to the physical and how he really liked that, and really wanted that, and was interested in me. I don't think I ever had much interest in him. Maybe I was hoping he wouldn't be all like that. Or maybe I am so desperate to be getting dates so I can be having the experiences and getting the practice from dates and conversation and discovering/realizing/reaffirming the traits I am looking for in my best friend.

Maybe I should have ended this at the 1st red flag on the site when he first told me I was hot, and that I would be trouble for him. Or at the 2nd red flag when he bragged about his talent for doing dirty things that were not breaking any commandments.

OK. Here is the feelings check re-visted:

I don't understand this game.

I don't get this game.

I keep failing at playing this game--thinking I know the rules or the safety precautions, but constantly being bombarded and second-guessing what I knew, or thought I knew, and not sure of even WHAT I know.

I hate this game.

I want this game to be over!!!

Excuse me while I go talk things over with my Inner Goddess, and my Heavenly Father.

Frustration and Pleading--with GIFs!

Yet again, I ask

WHAT?!?!?

British Guy. From 3 months ago. Who told me he had to break our date to take his dad to the ER (and I'm pretty sure dad does not live in the U.S.) and would reschedule our date. Then did not write, text, call, chat message, NOTHING afterwards. Your basic ghosting, which I was fine with because I had no interest in him.

He just sent me a flirt on the same online website where we "met."

WHAT?!?!?

My word, if you're going to ghost me--then stay away afterwards. You've ghosted, we're done.

And while we're at with the whole debate on ghosting is being kind, let me put in that

I PREFER TO HAVE YOU BE A MAN AND JUST TELL ME YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED!!!!!

It is NOT that hard. SIX words.

"I am not interested in you."

I will survive it.

I will be better for it.

I will be happier from it.

I will feel much less of a rejection with all kinds of feelings that I am wrong and awful and ugly and unattractive and unwanted because of it.

I will respect you for it.

I will think better of you for it.

I will try to set you up with other singles friends because of it.

You will be a gentleman who considers a woman's feelings and efforts in life, rather than a jerk or a wuss.

Just sayin'.

____________________________________________________________

Ug.

Majority of the time this is me with online dating:

But for my "part time job," this is the tool that is getting 99% of the success rate, so, we stick with it.

Yeah, I'd rather be

Please help me get out of this job--it is the worst!!! Or at least get me away from the online dating part of it by making in-person more successful.

</Sob story, venting, and ranting>

A Stupor of Thought--and Feelings and More

I've had a rough week. It is ending with me 90% making a decision about dating a guy, which brings peace yet guilt. In the 3 months we've known each other, we've managed 3 dates. Of course, those dates actually took place within 3 weeks of each other, since the first half of our knowing each other was too busy for either of us to go on a date. A fourth could have taken place, but busy schedules still conflict. And now for me, there is something else to consider. I've been trying this whole time to just relax, practice, and not worry or overanalyze or get too excited. Yet it has come to my notice that during this whole 3 months, I've never been excited. I was excited to finally get a 3rd date after so many years, but it wasn't because of the guy I was going with. And I felt that even though I shouldn't be over-analyzing, I should probably at least make an analysis of some kind. My dating coach says you usually can tell within the 1st 6 dates. Reaching a 4th date and finding myself unexcited, slightly bored, and feeling no connection should be saying something, right?

Yet therein lies the guilt. "On paper," this guy is exactly what I'm looking for. He's active in the Church because he wants to be. He is a temple worker, he does a lot of service, he fulfills his calling, he's served a mission, he's a gentleman, he is musical (in talent and in interests). I've learned a lot of the basics about him, which I can infer some of the deeper stuff from. But we haven't touched much on the deep stuff. Our 3 dates have been to things that don't allow much talking at. (That has always irked me ever since Mr. Freshman Year when 8 of our 9 dates were to things like that.) We would get a little to and from the activity, but not much until the last date when we finally had a (according to this introvert) real conversation. After that date, it was the only time I felt any excitement or interest. Which lasted a couple of days.

Because in between dates? Our conversation--all through text, another extremely irksome thing to me but I went with it because of our crazy, busy schedules--was paltry at most. There was absolutely no depth. It started to get predictable--I could guess what day and time he was going to send a text, and exactly what he was going to ask. And the questions were always extremely basic, not inviting much depth. And when I returned questions to get depth from him, I got a few word answers instead. I blame part of the lack of a connection for me on these trivial conversations that felt more of a "by the way I'm still here, are you?" I realized each time I actually saw him in person, it felt like a first date all over again because it was dying in between.

I wasn't really sure what he was wanting or why/how/if he was interested and to what degree except that it was a date to pass the time and there were no other options to be had right now. I honestly don't know. And if I'm being fully honest, I might as well also say that until the one tiny spark at the end of the 3rd date that quickly died out, there wasn't much interest on my part. All of these things that I was learning should have made me excited, right? Should have had me excited that I was finding things I've been looking for and been trying to be, right? Yet it wasn't there. And my dating coach has been teaching me to match the man's efforts, because in the past I've done it all wrong and just gone for it, tried to kindle flames from sparks, tried to encourage things. In essence, taking full control of the relationship and investing so much while the man was investing little to nothing. I didn't want to make that mistake. So I was waiting to see his interest and investment. Too much space and mostly silence with an occasional "how's it going" wasn't much to make me feel a lot of interest in me or investment.

So here I've been all week with every conflicting emotion, thought, and years of lessons racing at me (whether from my dating coach, all my failed previous attempts, dating blogs, LDS apostles' counsel, and examples I've seen in so many friends and family). Some of these have included
*Don't put too much thought into it.
*Just let things be.
*Relax. Open yourself up to options.
*'Sparks' can come with time.
*Physical attraction can come with time.
*It's only been a few dates, it takes time.

I have let all of these things guide me during the last 3 months. And yet it all boils down to the fact that I really couldn't care if I never saw this guy again. I'm not excited about him, I'm not excited about getting to know him, and I really have no interest in spending more time with him or getting to know more about him. Which leads me to believe that I am a terrible, horrible, awful person. I can't nail down any specific reasons except two would never "hold up in court."
1) I feel no connection with him
2) I believe the Spirit is OKing it

I hear the voices telling me I haven't given it enough time and effort to feel a connection. But I feel to disagree. In fact, I think I've been trying to force a connection because on paper everything looks right. It should be something I want and feel excited about, so I must make a connection somehow. But that hasn't worked. And it has actually led to at some points feeling like I would throw up, and complete emotional upheaval or unsettling. The last time I felt so unsettled was when I was trying to make my first mission decision in 2003. I kept making some decision that involved me going on a mission. As soon as I made the decision, I would start to get all upset inside. Couldn't concentrate on anything (mission related or not). I felt confused and upset and frustrated. After 4 or 5 different decisions, I finally made one that did not involve a mission in the near future. There was immediate peace and calm. I learned a great lesson of what "a stupor of thought" means. And it is exactly what I've been going through the last week, even more than that. I have been trying to figure out every way I could try to give him a chance, a better chance, a more informed chance by letting him know about the paltry texts killing any possible connection. But, even if that were fixed, that doesn't mean that suddenly a connection would take place. A connection might not be there because there is absolutely no chemistry between us. I compare him with previous men I've dated and there are stark differences in feelings and reactions and emotions.

And I've been praying for a good solid week on everything in relation to this. I finally got an answer a couple of days ago that, like Elder McConkie's Agency or Inspiration talk, it was completely my decision. What did I want? Make my choice and go to the Lord with it. So when I finally told him yesterday morning that I really did not want anything to do with this guy, that peace and calm came with it. And just like with the mission decision, there was guilt accompanying it. Because with that decision, I knew many in the LDS world would judge me. But even worse, I knew my family would be disappointed and questioning. I spent years having to deal with my mother's disapproval and lack of understanding when I wished that she could trust my personal revelation. But in spite of what the world thought, I had to go with what had been revealed to me upon my decision.

It is the same now. My two friends that I've kept in the loop on this look at me like I'm crazy. They support what I choose, but neither can see why I'm throwing away a perfectly good match. And if I were to listen to them as well as all those previous experiences/lessons voices, I would give in and stick with it. But I ignored the Spirit on a matter of dating once before, with Mr. Freshman Year. I spent a year of very difficult emotions trying to move past him and our very rocky break up because I did not listen at the beginning. I have to trust in my peace that I'm feeling, however guilty I feel with it because I have no "logical" answer if someone were to ask "why?"

And yet in spite of knowing what my choice is, and feeling at peace with it, I still think I'm an awful person. That there is something still wrong with me. That I'm not applying Alma 32 somehow.

Trusting in one's own faith, one's own decisions, and one's personal revelation is a lot harder than we usually think about.

I Know Better

So, I met a guy last April in which I felt not just an instant connection, but one so strong it completely bowled me over. I haven't felt a connection like that in over 5 years, and only once has there ever been one so instantly. It isn't like I haven't been meeting any guys over the last few years. So this really stood out to me. I tried to follow the guidelines my Dating Coach has given me. It wasn't easy--and I certainly couldn't get them to be "textbook." But I made my efforts and our paths crossed. Even with the strong connection I was feeling that just kept increasing every time I saw him, there was a lot of confusion. I felt like everything I did was a messed up form of what I should have been doing. But then he was responding. However, sometimes his responses and actions were encouraging, and others left me wondering "whaaaaat?"

I had to phone a friend. OK, I Facebook messaged. Same thing. He's a good friend from over the years who has been a nice support to me in various aspects of life. He's married, so don't go suggesting we look towards each other. His being married and having a little more know-how than me--especially being a male--is why I contacted him. I'd gotten so confused about Mr. April's actions that even though I felt this by then ginormous connection, I couldn't figure his actions out at all. I didn't want to be analyzing or over-analyzing, but I had absolutely no clue what to do or where to go from there. Unfortunately, Mr. Friend couldn't figure his actions either.

So I took a flying leap into the darkness of scariness and asked this guy out on a date. I think it was a second for us. Yeah, think. That's how confused I was. By basic definitions that first whatever falls in date category. But...was it? Anyway. I knew I needed some one-on-one time with this guy, and he actually said yes. And was very much a gentleman about it. And we went on the date. And I pretty much had the best date I've had in, well, over a year.

(The non-LDS guy was a great date, especially considering he took me to an amazing restaurant but I was trying to prevent any sickness from...occurring, and couldn't eat. He took it in stride. We talked so easily. There would have been a connection, except we both knew my desire for an eternal marriage, and he wouldn't get there one day, so why waste each other's time by pursuing further? Still, it was a nice date.)

At the end of the date, I followed through on my Coach's guidelines. Including day after. Though it all was skewed, since I'm the one who asked. And I wasn't quite sure what to do. Honestly, any time I did anything in relation to this guy I found myself in constant wonder if I was doing anything right (or attractive or encouraging and not scary and in-his-face). But I could not deny this connection. And there were times when I felt sure he felt some kind of connection, too. Then when he acted contrary to that, which is exactly what he did after this second-maybe-first date, I was left confused and a little heart-ached. Not broken. Been there. I'm no where near broken. Just took a strong punch to it and got a bit of bruising.

I've spent the summer thinking



And unfortunately, all the men I've been meeting or dates I've gone since have paled enormously in comparison. And I'm not even actively comparing. I'm trying to give each man his own fair chance. But it's hard not to remember how strong that connection with Mr. April was, and how these new guys don't come close. I took a bit of a dating break--and summer was busy with family obligations anyway--so that I could fix myself and get over this silliness.

Because I'm still being so silly! I still am thinking of Mr. April. Still wondering what happened. Still partially wishing for...I don't even know. But I know I'm not over him.

And I Know Better!

If anyone should know, it is me! My Dating Coach teaches all of these things that I resonate with completely because of my past experiences.

*I don't give the best of me to those who don't invest in me.

*The kind of man I'm looking for is looking for me and if I put forth my efforts and put my faith in God, we will meet each other and recognize each other for what the other has to offer and what we are looking for.

*He's not my only chance for happiness!

Not only that. I spent 4 1/2 years caught on my best friend who did not want to marry me. Not that I waited and hoped all those years. I tried to move on during the last 2 of them and ended up literally moving across the country to help with that. I KNOW BETTER! And Mr. April is no where near what Mr. Best Friend was to me. He's at the starting line of the marathon that Mr. Best Friend has run twice already. So I should know better than to be holding out my little string of hope.

Oh the agonizing and annoying truth of this


No, no. I don't love Mr. April. I don't know him well enough. But that darn hope. It kills! It twists a knife. And I--WHO KNOW BETTER--should be able to drop this foolish hope of whatever when I spent 4 1/2 years of my life in pain, agony, tears because of constant rejection as that cursed hope remained.

The only hope I should maintain is my hope in Christ, and my hope in my Father's plan for me. Hope that all will come round and come right in His timing. I do have that hope.

I just have to get rid of the other hope. And there are times when I feel I've succeeded. And then I slip a little back down the well and realize I only saw the top, I hadn't reached it, yet. So I'm working on it. Just frustrated with myself that I wasn't able to leap out of the well as quickly as I had leaped down into its darkness.

Still. Life goes on. Online dating still goes. A man asked for my number after he met me at work. Actually called and texted a couple of times. He's been silent for a couple of weeks, but I'm not assigning him to Ghosting just yet, because he did warn me he's often up in the mountains building a house. That, and I'm not really that interested in him. He's 20 years older. Which while that used to be in my age range, I've been coming down in numbers right now because I still want to try and have a family, and men over 50 are usually done with that. And if they're not, I still hesitate a bit, because I'd like the father of my children to have energy and vitality to be there for them as they grow up. It's a case by case basis. This guy I don't know well. Not even sure if he's LDS. But it was flattering to think someone would meet me and want my number.

And he isn't the only one. I have a date tomorrow night with a man I met in July who asked for my number the same day he met me. Extremely flattering. Even more so that he has been (the only one to!) accept and understand my busy schedule and wait until I was free to go on a date instead of giving up from impatience or automatically assuming my being busy with family and 5 extra responsibilities at work (some at state and national levels) was code that I was actually just not interested.

Two guys showing interest. It is a step. And it is more than Mr. April for the fact that they haven't given me anything confusing as yet.

That's the kind of hope worth having.