In my Wife for Life class, we talk about Unsolvables. This is my 4th semester taking the class, but the first time I have had a man in my life that this is beginning to apply to. Last week was the lesson Unsolvables came up in. And I knew that mon amour and I are still getting to know each other, still learning. We had not stumbled upon any Unsolvables, yet. Until last night. Who knew we would have SUCH trouble with names for children! I haven't a clue why he brought up that subject during our pre-FHE dinner, but he did. And for the next half hour or more, we agreed on absolutely nothing! Well, maybe at one tiniest instance I brought him around to my view on one name. But that was it. Boys. Girls. Pronunciations. Nicknames. We were so far apart on it, it was laughable.
Which is exactly what we did. Knowing it was an Unsolvable when we hit it just made us laugh. Eventually we will work around and through it. There is no rush on it, obviously. We have 5 more months before another 9 months of waiting and deciding is even a possibility. But it is so much more pleasant knowing as one goes into a relationship that there will be some things that will take a WHOLE lot more work to compromise on, and that's OK. It's normal. And it doesn't destroy any part of our relationship or love for each other because we know how to deal with it.
But of ALL the things--names? Hilarious to think that Shakespeare was wrong. And Anne of Green Gables knew it all along.
Showing posts with label Communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Communication. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Thursday, September 10, 2015
I Know Better
So, I met a guy last April in which I felt not just an instant connection, but one so strong it completely bowled me over. I haven't felt a connection like that in over 5 years, and only once has there ever been one so instantly. It isn't like I haven't been meeting any guys over the last few years. So this really stood out to me. I tried to follow the guidelines my Dating Coach has given me. It wasn't easy--and I certainly couldn't get them to be "textbook." But I made my efforts and our paths crossed. Even with the strong connection I was feeling that just kept increasing every time I saw him, there was a lot of confusion. I felt like everything I did was a messed up form of what I should have been doing. But then he was responding. However, sometimes his responses and actions were encouraging, and others left me wondering "whaaaaat?"
I had to phone a friend. OK, I Facebook messaged. Same thing. He's a good friend from over the years who has been a nice support to me in various aspects of life. He's married, so don't go suggesting we look towards each other. His being married and having a little more know-how than me--especially being a male--is why I contacted him. I'd gotten so confused about Mr. April's actions that even though I felt this by then ginormous connection, I couldn't figure his actions out at all. I didn't want to be analyzing or over-analyzing, but I had absolutely no clue what to do or where to go from there. Unfortunately, Mr. Friend couldn't figure his actions either.
So I took a flying leap into the darkness of scariness and asked this guy out on a date. I think it was a second for us. Yeah, think. That's how confused I was. By basic definitions that first whatever falls in date category. But...was it? Anyway. I knew I needed some one-on-one time with this guy, and he actually said yes. And was very much a gentleman about it. And we went on the date. And I pretty much had the best date I've had in, well, over a year.
(The non-LDS guy was a great date, especially considering he took me to an amazing restaurant but I was trying to prevent any sickness from...occurring, and couldn't eat. He took it in stride. We talked so easily. There would have been a connection, except we both knew my desire for an eternal marriage, and he wouldn't get there one day, so why waste each other's time by pursuing further? Still, it was a nice date.)
At the end of the date, I followed through on my Coach's guidelines. Including day after. Though it all was skewed, since I'm the one who asked. And I wasn't quite sure what to do. Honestly, any time I did anything in relation to this guy I found myself in constant wonder if I was doing anything right (or attractive or encouraging and not scary and in-his-face). But I could not deny this connection. And there were times when I felt sure he felt some kind of connection, too. Then when he acted contrary to that, which is exactly what he did after this second-maybe-first date, I was left confused and a little heart-ached. Not broken. Been there. I'm no where near broken. Just took a strong punch to it and got a bit of bruising.
I've spent the summer thinking
And unfortunately, all the men I've been meeting or dates I've gone since have paled enormously in comparison. And I'm not even actively comparing. I'm trying to give each man his own fair chance. But it's hard not to remember how strong that connection with Mr. April was, and how these new guys don't come close. I took a bit of a dating break--and summer was busy with family obligations anyway--so that I could fix myself and get over this silliness.
Because I'm still being so silly! I still am thinking of Mr. April. Still wondering what happened. Still partially wishing for...I don't even know. But I know I'm not over him.
And I Know Better!
If anyone should know, it is me! My Dating Coach teaches all of these things that I resonate with completely because of my past experiences.
*I don't give the best of me to those who don't invest in me.
*The kind of man I'm looking for is looking for me and if I put forth my efforts and put my faith in God, we will meet each other and recognize each other for what the other has to offer and what we are looking for.
*He's not my only chance for happiness!
Not only that. I spent 4 1/2 years caught on my best friend who did not want to marry me. Not that I waited and hoped all those years. I tried to move on during the last 2 of them and ended up literally moving across the country to help with that. I KNOW BETTER! And Mr. April is no where near what Mr. Best Friend was to me. He's at the starting line of the marathon that Mr. Best Friend has run twice already. So I should know better than to be holding out my little string of hope.
Oh the agonizing and annoying truth of this
No, no. I don't love Mr. April. I don't know him well enough. But that darn hope. It kills! It twists a knife. And I--WHO KNOW BETTER--should be able to drop this foolish hope of whatever when I spent 4 1/2 years of my life in pain, agony, tears because of constant rejection as that cursed hope remained.
The only hope I should maintain is my hope in Christ, and my hope in my Father's plan for me. Hope that all will come round and come right in His timing. I do have that hope.
I just have to get rid of the other hope. And there are times when I feel I've succeeded. And then I slip a little back down the well and realize I only saw the top, I hadn't reached it, yet. So I'm working on it. Just frustrated with myself that I wasn't able to leap out of the well as quickly as I had leaped down into its darkness.
Still. Life goes on. Online dating still goes. A man asked for my number after he met me at work. Actually called and texted a couple of times. He's been silent for a couple of weeks, but I'm not assigning him to Ghosting just yet, because he did warn me he's often up in the mountains building a house. That, and I'm not really that interested in him. He's 20 years older. Which while that used to be in my age range, I've been coming down in numbers right now because I still want to try and have a family, and men over 50 are usually done with that. And if they're not, I still hesitate a bit, because I'd like the father of my children to have energy and vitality to be there for them as they grow up. It's a case by case basis. This guy I don't know well. Not even sure if he's LDS. But it was flattering to think someone would meet me and want my number.
And he isn't the only one. I have a date tomorrow night with a man I met in July who asked for my number the same day he met me. Extremely flattering. Even more so that he has been (the only one to!) accept and understand my busy schedule and wait until I was free to go on a date instead of giving up from impatience or automatically assuming my being busy with family and 5 extra responsibilities at work (some at state and national levels) was code that I was actually just not interested.
Two guys showing interest. It is a step. And it is more than Mr. April for the fact that they haven't given me anything confusing as yet.
That's the kind of hope worth having.
I had to phone a friend. OK, I Facebook messaged. Same thing. He's a good friend from over the years who has been a nice support to me in various aspects of life. He's married, so don't go suggesting we look towards each other. His being married and having a little more know-how than me--especially being a male--is why I contacted him. I'd gotten so confused about Mr. April's actions that even though I felt this by then ginormous connection, I couldn't figure his actions out at all. I didn't want to be analyzing or over-analyzing, but I had absolutely no clue what to do or where to go from there. Unfortunately, Mr. Friend couldn't figure his actions either.
So I took a flying leap into the darkness of scariness and asked this guy out on a date. I think it was a second for us. Yeah, think. That's how confused I was. By basic definitions that first whatever falls in date category. But...was it? Anyway. I knew I needed some one-on-one time with this guy, and he actually said yes. And was very much a gentleman about it. And we went on the date. And I pretty much had the best date I've had in, well, over a year.
(The non-LDS guy was a great date, especially considering he took me to an amazing restaurant but I was trying to prevent any sickness from...occurring, and couldn't eat. He took it in stride. We talked so easily. There would have been a connection, except we both knew my desire for an eternal marriage, and he wouldn't get there one day, so why waste each other's time by pursuing further? Still, it was a nice date.)
At the end of the date, I followed through on my Coach's guidelines. Including day after. Though it all was skewed, since I'm the one who asked. And I wasn't quite sure what to do. Honestly, any time I did anything in relation to this guy I found myself in constant wonder if I was doing anything right (or attractive or encouraging and not scary and in-his-face). But I could not deny this connection. And there were times when I felt sure he felt some kind of connection, too. Then when he acted contrary to that, which is exactly what he did after this second-maybe-first date, I was left confused and a little heart-ached. Not broken. Been there. I'm no where near broken. Just took a strong punch to it and got a bit of bruising.
I've spent the summer thinking
And unfortunately, all the men I've been meeting or dates I've gone since have paled enormously in comparison. And I'm not even actively comparing. I'm trying to give each man his own fair chance. But it's hard not to remember how strong that connection with Mr. April was, and how these new guys don't come close. I took a bit of a dating break--and summer was busy with family obligations anyway--so that I could fix myself and get over this silliness.
Because I'm still being so silly! I still am thinking of Mr. April. Still wondering what happened. Still partially wishing for...I don't even know. But I know I'm not over him.
And I Know Better!
If anyone should know, it is me! My Dating Coach teaches all of these things that I resonate with completely because of my past experiences.
*I don't give the best of me to those who don't invest in me.
*The kind of man I'm looking for is looking for me and if I put forth my efforts and put my faith in God, we will meet each other and recognize each other for what the other has to offer and what we are looking for.
*He's not my only chance for happiness!
Not only that. I spent 4 1/2 years caught on my best friend who did not want to marry me. Not that I waited and hoped all those years. I tried to move on during the last 2 of them and ended up literally moving across the country to help with that. I KNOW BETTER! And Mr. April is no where near what Mr. Best Friend was to me. He's at the starting line of the marathon that Mr. Best Friend has run twice already. So I should know better than to be holding out my little string of hope.
Oh the agonizing and annoying truth of this
No, no. I don't love Mr. April. I don't know him well enough. But that darn hope. It kills! It twists a knife. And I--WHO KNOW BETTER--should be able to drop this foolish hope of whatever when I spent 4 1/2 years of my life in pain, agony, tears because of constant rejection as that cursed hope remained.
The only hope I should maintain is my hope in Christ, and my hope in my Father's plan for me. Hope that all will come round and come right in His timing. I do have that hope.
I just have to get rid of the other hope. And there are times when I feel I've succeeded. And then I slip a little back down the well and realize I only saw the top, I hadn't reached it, yet. So I'm working on it. Just frustrated with myself that I wasn't able to leap out of the well as quickly as I had leaped down into its darkness.
Still. Life goes on. Online dating still goes. A man asked for my number after he met me at work. Actually called and texted a couple of times. He's been silent for a couple of weeks, but I'm not assigning him to Ghosting just yet, because he did warn me he's often up in the mountains building a house. That, and I'm not really that interested in him. He's 20 years older. Which while that used to be in my age range, I've been coming down in numbers right now because I still want to try and have a family, and men over 50 are usually done with that. And if they're not, I still hesitate a bit, because I'd like the father of my children to have energy and vitality to be there for them as they grow up. It's a case by case basis. This guy I don't know well. Not even sure if he's LDS. But it was flattering to think someone would meet me and want my number.
And he isn't the only one. I have a date tomorrow night with a man I met in July who asked for my number the same day he met me. Extremely flattering. Even more so that he has been (the only one to!) accept and understand my busy schedule and wait until I was free to go on a date instead of giving up from impatience or automatically assuming my being busy with family and 5 extra responsibilities at work (some at state and national levels) was code that I was actually just not interested.
Two guys showing interest. It is a step. And it is more than Mr. April for the fact that they haven't given me anything confusing as yet.
That's the kind of hope worth having.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Ghosting in the Early Phases
Since I am coming out of a summer filled with disappointment and frustration, the first few posts of this blog might be a bit whiny, vent-y, etc. Granted, the disappointment was rather minor, considering previous life experiences. But it came during an extremely busy and thus stressful time. So it feels bigger than usual.
The frustration has steadily grown as my efforts in being social and my dating opportunities have increased. (Thank you, Dating Coach!) So while frustration is annoying, at the same time I am counting my blessings that I am having the opportunities that frustrate (as well as the few that don't!). I feel I have learned quite a lot over the last two years and I would rather have all the frustration among that growth and experience than to have none of it at all. (That's one of infinity traits that should help me a bit when marriage does come along!)
The current frustration is how much communication has died over the years. I am one who loves to talk and write (obviously). And I especially love to do so with people. I am quite attracted to men who can carry on intelligent conversation with me. That doesn't mean they have to have formal educations or prestigious jobs. But real conversation must be able to occur or I will get bored very easily. Unfortunately, I have to do much of my social finding online since the majority of the men I meet in person do nothing to further acquaintance. Online meeting can only do so much in communication before one needs to move it to at the least email, but better yet phone calls and hopefully soon to an actual in-person meeting (aka a date).
This is what my Dating Coach encourages. This is what I try. But I have had so many men--I'm usually good at keeping track, but there have been so many it hasn't been possible; I might guesstimate about 20--in the last few months ask for my number or my email. Half of them never use what I give. All contact ceases as soon as I give them what they asked for. Is this the Mormon equivalent of a one night stand? The other half initiate a text or email conversation, but after only 2 or 3 exchanges betwixt us, they stop. And let's not forget to mention those I'm easily conversing with on the dating sites and things seem to be flowing and showing interest and then suddenly they stop as well. Complete silence on all accounts. I have learned in the last few weeks that there is a term for this: ghosting. I just thought I'd be further along when that would happen. Pollyanna Positive Point (I like to do those a lot): At least the ghosting happens early on rather than later when I was more invested and thus more subject to being hurt.
I, being female, have analyzed and probably over-analyzed what in the world I'm doing wrong. I'm trying to be open and receptive as best I can in electronic mediums. I know I can only do so much, but I didn't think I was being stand offish or rude or whatever. It is painful to have progressed off of a dating site, thinking a man might be interested in meeting for a date, only to lose his interest in a few sentences/texts. It makes a girl seriously question her attractiveness if in person she isn't attracting anyone, and verbally/electronically she can't get anyone either.
The natural, frustrated me wants to blame them. And part of the blame has to lie with them, if only being that they didn't feel a connection. (Couldn't they have at least given me a chance?! Very likely a lot of future blog posts on that right there. Just to warn you.) But as I cannot change anything on their part, I am to look at my part. I know I'm not the most instantly attractive person. I have much to work on. But when I reach these frustrated times, and at times when my life is already rather busy, I'm just too tired and exhausted to self-analyze.
These are the times when I'm grateful for my beliefs. Because I know that all of this will pass. I know that my Heavenly Father and my Savior love me, and understand what I'm going through. I know if I keep praying and putting forth my efforts, I'll learn more about how I can be better and do better. And I'll get through and grow stronger from all this in due time and be more ready for future experiences, as well as more Christlike in general.
The frustration has steadily grown as my efforts in being social and my dating opportunities have increased. (Thank you, Dating Coach!) So while frustration is annoying, at the same time I am counting my blessings that I am having the opportunities that frustrate (as well as the few that don't!). I feel I have learned quite a lot over the last two years and I would rather have all the frustration among that growth and experience than to have none of it at all. (That's one of infinity traits that should help me a bit when marriage does come along!)
The current frustration is how much communication has died over the years. I am one who loves to talk and write (obviously). And I especially love to do so with people. I am quite attracted to men who can carry on intelligent conversation with me. That doesn't mean they have to have formal educations or prestigious jobs. But real conversation must be able to occur or I will get bored very easily. Unfortunately, I have to do much of my social finding online since the majority of the men I meet in person do nothing to further acquaintance. Online meeting can only do so much in communication before one needs to move it to at the least email, but better yet phone calls and hopefully soon to an actual in-person meeting (aka a date).
This is what my Dating Coach encourages. This is what I try. But I have had so many men--I'm usually good at keeping track, but there have been so many it hasn't been possible; I might guesstimate about 20--in the last few months ask for my number or my email. Half of them never use what I give. All contact ceases as soon as I give them what they asked for. Is this the Mormon equivalent of a one night stand? The other half initiate a text or email conversation, but after only 2 or 3 exchanges betwixt us, they stop. And let's not forget to mention those I'm easily conversing with on the dating sites and things seem to be flowing and showing interest and then suddenly they stop as well. Complete silence on all accounts. I have learned in the last few weeks that there is a term for this: ghosting. I just thought I'd be further along when that would happen. Pollyanna Positive Point (I like to do those a lot): At least the ghosting happens early on rather than later when I was more invested and thus more subject to being hurt.
I, being female, have analyzed and probably over-analyzed what in the world I'm doing wrong. I'm trying to be open and receptive as best I can in electronic mediums. I know I can only do so much, but I didn't think I was being stand offish or rude or whatever. It is painful to have progressed off of a dating site, thinking a man might be interested in meeting for a date, only to lose his interest in a few sentences/texts. It makes a girl seriously question her attractiveness if in person she isn't attracting anyone, and verbally/electronically she can't get anyone either.
The natural, frustrated me wants to blame them. And part of the blame has to lie with them, if only being that they didn't feel a connection. (Couldn't they have at least given me a chance?! Very likely a lot of future blog posts on that right there. Just to warn you.) But as I cannot change anything on their part, I am to look at my part. I know I'm not the most instantly attractive person. I have much to work on. But when I reach these frustrated times, and at times when my life is already rather busy, I'm just too tired and exhausted to self-analyze.
These are the times when I'm grateful for my beliefs. Because I know that all of this will pass. I know that my Heavenly Father and my Savior love me, and understand what I'm going through. I know if I keep praying and putting forth my efforts, I'll learn more about how I can be better and do better. And I'll get through and grow stronger from all this in due time and be more ready for future experiences, as well as more Christlike in general.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)