Another FYI

Our 7 month engagement got cut short when, after 4 months, we decided to elope to the Provo City Center Temple.

A new direction for my Happily Ever After has come about.

But I am still keeping my eye single to God.

I still feel I am a spokesperson for LDS Singledom, because I saw more than many LDS members I meet, and I have no problem talking about it.

I also feel like now I can help others in being honest that marriage ain't no easy road. We hear that so often in lessons and in passing. But you really cannot know until you know.

Plus, compared to Singledom? Good gracious you had better not play around when making your choice! And remember how imperative it is to keep the Lord in your marriage.

I knew all this before.

But now I am knowing it.

5 months in. Eternity to go.

And I am loving every bit of it.

What's in a Name?

In my Wife for Life class, we talk about Unsolvables. This is my 4th semester taking the class, but the first time I have had a man in my life that this is beginning to apply to. Last week was the lesson Unsolvables came up in. And I knew that mon amour and I are still getting to know each other, still learning. We had not stumbled upon any Unsolvables, yet. Until last night. Who knew we would have SUCH trouble with names for children! I haven't a clue why he brought up that subject during our pre-FHE dinner, but he did. And for the next half hour or more, we agreed on absolutely nothing! Well, maybe at one tiniest instance I brought him around to my view on one name. But that was it. Boys. Girls. Pronunciations. Nicknames. We were so far apart on it, it was laughable.

Which is exactly what we did. Knowing it was an Unsolvable when we hit it just made us laugh. Eventually we will work around and through it. There is no rush on it, obviously. We have 5 more months before another 9 months of waiting and deciding is even a possibility. But it is so much more pleasant knowing as one goes into a relationship that there will be some things that will take a WHOLE lot more work to compromise on, and that's OK. It's normal. And it doesn't destroy any part of our relationship or love for each other because we know how to deal with it.

But of ALL the things--names? Hilarious to think that Shakespeare was wrong. And Anne of Green Gables knew it all along.

Two Roads Diverged

I always knew that marriage would not be easy. Aside from the many books and articles I have read on relationships in hopes to prepare me for my own one day, I have observed countless other relationships. I know they are not all sunshine and roses--because even roses prick with their thorns and sunshine can cause sunburn or heat stroke. Opposition in all things requiring balance.

Yes, I am not married yet. We are in the engagement phase where we are making plans and adjustments. In a way it is nice to have the time for the adjustment. But it is also difficult, for as an LDS girl I know of the power of the adversary--and he is certainly trying to give it all he can.

I did not go into this relationship blind. I never thought it would be an easy thing. But I could never have imagined quite what it would be like. Like all those people who say you won't really understand anything about parenting until you have your own children. That baby-sitting and nanny-ing and any other child care is still not quite the same thing. Well, so it is with relationships. Especially relationships intended on marriage.

The last week was difficult for both of us. Emotions, stresses, mental and physical energy. It all wore on us. For me, it allowed the adversary to sneak in to tell me how unfit I am as a companion. What a terribly mistake this is. That being single is easier. So like the adversary--feeding lies mixed in with a truth. Because even before I met my love, I had come to the realization that singleness really is easier. It doesn't allow me to progress in many ways, but it sure is easier! A long while back I had to make the decision if I wanted the easier road, or the difficult one that would lead me to a greater joy and happiness and fulfillment that could never be found on the road for one. I made that choice then. I made it again when I told my love I would marry him. And ever since I have had to make that choice every day--sometimes several times in the day!

The adversary keeps trying to remind me that the single road is easier, but conveniently leaving out the memories of the loneliness and heartache and all those tears as I dealt with life single, alone, and frustrated in a spot I could not progress from. While trying to distract me with that half truth, he tries to throw in all those other things that feed off my doubts and insecurities. And it is a daily struggle--an even harder one because for the next few months I am still at a place where I could easily make a different choice.

Single is easier, but not worth it. And maybe I am inadequate and flawed. But heavens--aren't we all! Who on this earth aside from our Savior was ever perfect? Who ever knew all the answers and applied them all perfectly when it came to marriage? I am in great company of millions throughout earth's history who chose this route and fought every single step of the way to bring about the greatest blessing of their lives. And never let go. The Josh Groban song that I used to hold on to for the hope it gave--which hope for me was that my dream of finding the love of my life would come about one day--has now changed to not letting go of "all that we could be." All we are meant to be--but only together. I have never been one to shirk a challenge, unless I'm tired! :-) So it is time to "Awake and Arise" and fight what I must for the 3rd greatest choice of my life.

I can't understand it.
The search for an answer is met with a darker day.
And we've been handed these moments forever.
But I'm reassured there's another way.
You don't have to close your eyes.
There is room for love again.
Ease the pain to realize
All that love can be.
Forced apart by time and sand.
Take a step and take my hand.
And don't let it go.
Never let go.

Broken, once connected,
We were so strong and so blessed in a simple way.
So don't let me go it alone.
Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below but me.
Face the truth to realize
All that we could be.
Torn apart by rage and fear.
Hold onto what brought you here.
Don't let it go.
Never let go.

Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below.
Don't let go.

34 Reasons Why I am A Great Choice for a(n active LDS) Man to Marry

So, last year I wrote a slightly facetious post about 33 reasons why I might still be single at 33. Well, now I'm 34. And I honestly cannot believe how much has changed in just a year, especially in regards to social life, dating, and relationships. There were extremely tough times, which led to my recent #34Before34 challenge to keep my mind off the tough times. But there has been so much amazing and wonderful in this last year, too! All because of my Unleash Your Inner Goddess seminar, lessons, training (whatever else you want to call it all). I look over last year's list and now can see many flaws in it, no matter how facetious some of them may have been.

Thus it came to my mind that I should write a more positive list this year. Maybe it will come across as full of myself. But considering what my fears and barriers in dating have been (that I am invisible to men, or that I am 2nd choice, last choice, or no choice at all), I think this is a wise endeavor--though a really tough one! (Addendum: it took me a whole day to write this post.)

And so, may I present to you

34 Reasons Why I am A Great Choice for a(n active LDS) Man to Marry

1. I am active LDS, because I want to be and I love to be. 

2. I have a testimony of the Gospel and its principles, especially of the Atonement.

3. I love the temple, and actually go there to serve. :-)

4. I have an odd sense of humor. Guaranteed to make somebody laugh.

5. I know enough cooking and baking that we wouldn't starve. He might even enjoy it. ;-) (And I promise not to feed him any of my random meals unless he actually wants one.)

6. I'm actually pleasant to look at, when my face chooses to cooperate.

7. I can sing fairly well, and adore doing so--free entertainment, though generally in the musical genres of my choice. I'll also be able to sing lullabies to our children, and to him if he wishes.

8. I love to dance, even if I'm not good at it. Fun, simple, even cheap to no cost activity choices there--whether at an event or just at home.

9. I like to clean. I like to live in a place that is clean. So I will make sure that place we will live in is clean, and have an enjoyable time making it so.

10. I have some fabulous hair he can play with. Just so long as he knows it takes some effort to keep my hair as healthy as it is, and that sometimes that hair gets cut for donations as well as healthiness and upkeep.

11. I have a very strong and healthy sex drive. ;-)

12. And guess what? As someone who has never been married, I have still maintained my values and standards and kept myself chaste for the man I will marry. Don't discredit me as some men have because I am "inexperienced." Value me because I had the strength and courage to fight for my virtue and purity all these years, especially with that strong and healthy sex drive.

13. I love to read. Free entertainment, easy gift choices, and endless possibilities of intelligent, interesting conversation topics.

14. I love teaching. I will enjoy teaching our children the Gospel, early literacy skills, how to have fun, and so much more. I'll especially love having him as my partner to teach these things.

15. I love children and I want children.

16. I try to keep the Gospel and the Spirit in my home as much as possible. I make my home a refuge from the world.

17. I know and love the scriptures, and love to keep learning from them.

18. I sustain and follow my Church leaders.

19. I honor and respect the Priesthood, and those worthy men who hold it and exercise its keys in righteousness.

20. I absolutely love life. With its ups and downs, its bright spots and dark ones, its highs and lows, its Gethsemanes and Liberty Jails as well as its Nauvoos and Promised Lands. "Come what may, and love it." Pollyanna Positive Points in everything.

21. I own a house. Yes. He may have one, too. Details that can be worked out later. But I have an absolutely adorable house that mirrors my personality. Would give anything to share that with him, but if that is not in our plan, so be it. So long as he knows I have spent a few years learning how to budget for and take care of a house, and have developed a few skills and know-how along the way with that.

22. I am single at 34, still active in the Church, still believing in, hoping for, and working for an eternal marriage to my best friend. Why and how do I still believe, hope, and work? Because I trust in the Lord. I know He knows what is best for me. I know His timing is the best, and I trust in that, too.

23. That previous one? It's tied to patience, too. Not always my strongest virtue, but wow I have had a long time to work on developing it! I think I'm doing a fairly decent job at times with that.

24. I am not afraid of the task, challenge, work ahead of us in a marriage, because I am ready to give it my all, I trust that he will give it his all, and the two of us will always be sure that Heavenly Father is a part of our marriage, and it is Him we are trying to ever grow closer to.

25. I like to give neck and shoulder massages, and hand massages. And head massages. Possibly could do foot and back--just haven't had the opportunity (or inclination) to do those. Basically, I like to make others comfortable and help them relax. I can't imagine too many men who would not like some kind of service like this once in a while.

26. I have been reading and studying all kinds of topics that help in any kind of relationship, but with dating and marital relationships specifically in mind. I am even enrolled in a wife class. Why? Because I want to fill my arsenal with every tool I can to make our marriage successful. I don't want to just try at this marriage thing. I want to succeed in it and have a fabulously wonderful, fun, uplifting, engaging, growing time as we do so.

27. I know how to relax and have a good time. I am not all business. I am not all seriousness. Sometimes I like to go out for a good time. Sometimes I like to stay in. I enjoy an occasional lazy moment (or day). I like to eat junk food here and there. I like to sleep in or take a nap. I like to take it slow once in a while.

28. Along with the previous, I also enjoy exercising, eating healthy things, and trying to keep fit at a healthy, not obsessive level. I won't be a couch potato. But I won't be a health nut either. I am balanced in the middle and find peace, comfort, and happiness at that balance.

29. Mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, social, and physical knowledge and health are important to me.

30. I love my Savior.

31. I love my Heavenly Father.

32. I love my family and work to maintain those relationships, in spite of occasional opposition.

33. I love myself, even if I may at times struggle with some self-esteem issues, or personal doubts, or fighting the natural man, or whatever else may lie in my path. I have spent my lifetime getting to know who I am, developing who I am (which will always be a work in progress), and loving who I am. My Father and my Savior help me in that love. Because I have been able to come to love me, I am ready for a wonderful man to come to love me, too.

34. I am ready to face, meet, challenge, discover, and embrace the world with that man. Now.

Both genders: Please read

This.


#4, #5, and #6 from the girl is most especially pertinent from me from my experiences over the last 10 days.

Another and Rather Odd First For Me

6 months ago, I learned some of my barriers in dating and relationships. One of those is that I thought I was invisible to men. That I was ugly and unattractive and they didn't see or want me. This included physically as well as mentally, intellectually, and in personality. The barrier wasn't just one I put up once in my life to protect me. It was a compound over several years that made it bigger and messier and tougher to break through. Luckily, for 2+ years before I attended my Inner Goddess weekend and learned what that barrier was, I had many things (dating coach, dating books, articles, etc.) that were helping me to hack away at that barrier. By the time I got to my Goddess weekend, that barrier was crumbling. But it helped so much when I was able to give it a name, and fully get rid of it.

Well, almost fully. Once in a while I have glimpses of that barrier and I have to re-direct my thoughts and energy to something else.

So it is the greatest irony to me that in the last 6 months, one of the main troubles I am having with dating are men who are too focused on, interested in, or distracted by the physical attractions I have to offer them. Now some of the guys I meet I can tell are the kind that just "want some," and I am not flattered (though admittedly, I am still surprised). But then there are others who seem like fairly "normal" men (whatever that means), who tell me they find me attractive, and a couple whom I have allowed to act on that attraction.

I am flattered by that attraction. And still surprised. But frankly--and I never thought that I would ever be saying this: I am tired of men finding me physically attractive!

Not that I want to be unattractive. And not that I don't want a man to be physically attracted to me.

But what ever happened to men who knew how to have conversations, and to build friendships, and to have fun that didn't include the physical?! The men who didn't let their sex drive steer their entire course of dating me? What happened to the men who had and showed respect? Who would listen when I told him that it wasn't the focus I wanted in a relationship, or that there are lines that I won't cross and yet they keep trying to cross them? The ones who would take my "No" for an answer and not continue to try and jeopardize both of us? And yes, I do mean LDS men.

Before you wonder--I have not done anything to break covenants I have made with my Heavenly Father. But I am meeting men who start off being great and nice and fun who later change the relationship, to where I am suddenly just a physical object for their pleasure and they care nothing about who I am.

I still believe that there are good LDS men out there who know how to control their desires, respect the women they date, and honestly want to meet and get to know non-physically their best friend. And because I believe it, and pray for it, and seek for it, I know I will find it. And will continue to pray that the Lord will help protect me as well as make me aware of those guys whose intentions are not those that are the best for both of us.

P.S. I am not saying that physical affection is bad. But moderation and control, especially in the very beginning, is crucial or else that becomes the focus and the foundation--which is a guarantee for failure.

Rudeness Won't Get You Anywhere Either

Him: Hello there, let me introduce myself, my name is _____, how are you?

Me: Hello, _____. I am doing well, thank you. I would like to let you know that I am on here looking for active LDS men. I don't want to waste other men's time. But thank you for saying hello.

Him: You are not a waste of my time, I won't have said hello if I thought you were.

Me: Thank you, but nothing is going to happen beyond this, so I need to focus my attention and efforts elsewhere.

Him: Why wouldn't it? I never said I wasn't LDS, you probably should be less judgmental going forward.

Me: Your profile says that you are Christian, and it isn't important. I am looking for a man who puts God first because he loves to and wants to. It also says you drink socially. I don't want a man who drinks. The LDS men I am looking for love being Christian, and do not drink. That is why it would be a waste of my time, if not yours.

Him: So you want a hypocrite or a lier, good luck with that.

Me: Wow, you're a winner. Thank you for not really understanding.

Lesson learned: As soon as I receive the chat message, and I see on their profile that they do not match what I am looking for, I should block them then and there. So much for trying to be polite. So much for trying to not do what so many men on these online sites do to me. Since this should finally show me that the majority of the men on these sites are not understanding, and cannot be men and gentlemen by graciously accepting "No, thank you" as an answer.

Another Night of Disappointment. It will pass.

My Facebook post:

Frustrating that a heart can still break, or just be bruised, when you were fighting to protect it. Well, Tomorrow is a new day--fresh and with no mistakes. And maybe there will be a bend in the road waiting for me. ‪#‎ChannelingAnne‬‪#‎ChannelingPollyanna‬ 
"Ah, John Harmon, you would find out!" - Our Mutual Friend

My explanation:

I am an idiot and didn't let things lie. But at least this time I will have closure that will help me heal within a day or two, rather than ghosting that will have me reeling for weeks on end.

And the best way to look at this, I suppose: if he says that he is too busy time-wise to make efforts for dating even though I said I was willing to work at it, then he is not at the same place in dating as I am. 

So, moving on.

More Experiences, and What I am Learning

Persistent Men. Or so it seems, as none of them offering to become LDS have yet to respond back after I mention Heavenly Father and the Savior being a part of that whole LDS thing. This guy at least had a faith in the Savior.

Monday - 10:27pm
Him: Hello miss Beautiful​

Me: Hi

Him: How are you miss cutie​

Me: I am well. Getting ready to head to sleep

Him: Aww well I hope your day was as radiant and beautiful and your smile ​

Me: Thank you. Good night! Or whatever time it is there.

Him: No problem talk wen you up :) ​Of it's OK for you ​

Me: I guess we'll see if our schedules mesh!

Him: I will match that schedules for you ​

Me: OK, but you should probably know that I am ok with chatting, however I only date active LDS men because I would like to find my best friend and be sealed to them in the temple. I don't want to waste other men's time if they cannot offer that to me. Even if that is just through chatting.

Him: You would find me one of the best guys you met and LDS would work 

​Me: Except you drink. And you say being Christian is not important to you. It is hugely important to me and being LDS is an extreme life change. Plus, I don't date men who are investigating the Church because I want them to join because of their belief in and love of Heavenly Father and the Savior, and nothing to do with me.

Him: I mean I am christian but I would accept the lady of other religion and I Do believe in Lord Jesus Christ he is Everything for me ! ​

Me: Which is great. But only an LDS man can take me to the temple, and that is my goal. I want my marriage to be eternal. So I don't want to waste other men's time.

Him: I would take you where ever you want ! ​

Me: Well, you can start with this. https://www.mormon.org/missionaries
Enjoy! And good night!

Him: OK I will do it goodnight ​

I haven't heard from him since. Who knows--maybe he is actually investigating. Though I find it sketchy that all the ones ready to change their religion so easily because of me are from different countries....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least the Greek Egyptian Christian Muslim man I had a date with last week (who in a roundabout way lied about being LDS) was upfront on looking in to the religion more, but forewarning me through his speech and actions that he was extremely open-minded. I got no sincerity from him in his honestly wanting to know about our religion. He was only interested in the fact that I also do not smoke, or drink, or have sexual relations outside of marriage. Which it is nice to actually be admired for the lifestyle I have chosen. But he did not care about the religion that influences my decisions in that.

And most importantly, he would not take any of my No's as answers about anything he was asking, including that I did not want to date him.

I stopped answering his messages--I am hoping that is the end of that. Though I did learn in this situation that I should have trusted my gut feeling, which turned out to be absolutely correct in this situation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But we do have the men who graciously accept the boundary and standard I have given myself.

Him: Hey can we meet for lunch tomorrow? I like get to know you​

Me: I'm sorry. I only date active LDS men because I would like to find my best friend and be sealed to them in the temple. I don't want to waste other men's time if they cannot offer that to me. Thank you though.

Him: Good luck​

Me: Thank you. You, too.

I have so much more respect for them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Or the ones who open either way, and upfront and cheerful and not as desperate sounding.

Him: Hey there. Going to be in _____ visiting family next week and I'm looking to have some fun during my trip. Thought you were gorgeous so I wanted to say hi. If you're interested, drop me a line but if not understand. Either way I hope you have a fantastic weekend!  Hope to hear from you soon. ​

Me: Hello. Thank you for the compliment. However, I am looking to meet active LDS men because I would like to find my best friend and be sealed to them in the temple. I don't want to waste other men's time if they cannot offer that to me. Thank you though. I hope you enjoy visiting _____. I am not from here, but I have come to love it.

Still keeps my respect.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Even the ones who are completely honest and upfront, like the guy who matched with me on Tinder.

Me: Hello! How was your weekend?

Him: My weekend was great. I'm an honest guy so I always play it straight. You're a beautiful girl! I use tinder for reasons that are so far beneath a girl like you. Is [I'd] never attempt or want to compromise you. I respect your values and wish you the best of luck there are so many dishonest lying creeps on here so please don't get yourself hurt.

Me: Thank you for your honesty and consideration. I really appreciate that. And I am doing my best to be careful on here. Thank you again.

So much of a difference when they aren't trying to take advantage of me, or not listen to me, or proclaim stuff they won't do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the last few months I have been on the most severe roller coaster in disappointment, frustration, and tiredness from online dating. But last Sunday in church, I was pondering what I am to be learning from this trial, as it is the main trial of my life right now (particularly the online dating portion of the Social Life/Dating Trial). And it came to me that I need to learn how to be more positive, more forward thinking, less discouraged, and less complain-y than I have been. Because I will endure so many other trials in my life, and I will need to know and apply these lessons there as well.

Thus I am trying to look at these little encounters and situations with gratitude and humor and positivity as much as I can. Always something to learn. Always something to gain. And I can do so cheerfully. So let's see how I do!

Driven Forth Before the Wind

My most recent experiences and lessons in the dating world--a culmination of last week's events, anyway-- are related to disappointment and unmet expectations. I know all about how you should not have expectations, because the majority of disappointment, frustration, etc. in relationships are when someone creates expectations...which inevitably do not get met.

I didn't realize that I was creating the expectations, and therein lay the problem. I was just loving what I was discovering, and somehow formed something in my mind which I absolutely loved and desired. That wasn't necessarily the problem. It was that somewhere in there I also created an expectation that what I was envisioning was reality. So, of course, that expectation was sorely unmet on Saturday. The disappointment is a different kind than I usually experience in dating. And rather big.

Leaves one wanting to give up. Again.

But I have learned too much and come too far to ever give up.

Luckily, I had a spiritual reminder on Sunday that brought everything back in to remembrance and focus. I love the many, many lessons one can gain from the stories about the Brother of Jared in the Book or Mormon. He builds barges to take his people to the promised land. We all know about the preparations he makes for the trip in those barges. Many of the lessons focus on that. But we often forget that on the journey, they were driven to and fro with the waves, tossed on the waters, and often plummeted into the depths. All while being driven forth toward the promised land.

I see the last 3 years of my dating experiences, lessons, etc. (and probably the wandering 12 years before that) very much like the journey of Jared's people. With the dating coach, I was building the barges and learning what to put inside to help on my journey. I have been set out on my journey, with the Goddess Weekend being my lighted stones as well as my trust that God is taking me on the right path. But that doesn't mean that my journey will be a smooth one. It is going to be extremely rough, full of riotous waves and putting me into the depths. But that is only because I am getting closer to the promised land. I am so close!! As I heard the missionary telling his story, I felt the Spirit impress upon me that I am close. This is my tempestuous journey in the sea, but the Lord is still directing me. I am still on the right course. And I am almost to my destination.

So maybe I am disappointed. Again if albeit differently. So I am frustrated and annoyed again. So I am exhausted throughout every bit of it. It will all be worth it. Because I believe in the promised land. And it is so close.

Take a Hint

I was chatting with a guy last night. We set up a date for this Saturday. Today he sent a message asking what my plans were for tonight, tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday. That's kind of how he got around to asking me out last night. So I called, as he asked me to, to tell him my plans...again. He missed the call, but returned it immediately. And said the same thing he did last night: that he wanted to know if there was a time we could get together. I reminded him that we had a date on Saturday for lunch.

Him: "Oh yeah."

I blame it on the fact that he was high last night. Yeah. Because he proudly bragged that he had just smoked weed--"for therapeutic reasons!"--and asked if I smoked it, too. I told him that, as I was active and practicing LDS, that would be a no. (Maybe I should have gone with the colloquial Mormon; possible he read LSD in that....)

I told him while we were on the phone that I was heading to the temple. So he said goodbye so I could get back to what I was doing. Then sent me a picture of himself and his abs. Yeah.... I hadn't felt fabulous about accepting the date in the first place, or reaffirming it a second time. But now I really didn't feel good about it.

While in the temple, I knew I needed to break the date (weed or no weed!!). Over the last few years, I have been open to first or even second dates with men who are not LDS. Because a date is just a date, right? Well, I still agree with that. One date does not mean marriage. Neither does a second or third or....

But in the temple I looked around and was reminded again of my greatest desire. A big reason that I am still single is because I want to be sealed for eternity to my best friend in the temple. I am looking for a man who can do that, and I don't want to risk falling in love with someone who can't take me there. Because that would be too much pain to deal with. I am not that strong. So tonight I decided that if I want that desire, I need to date only men who can satisfy that desire. Most of the men in the last 3 years have been that way, but this new site has flooded me with men who could not (or do not want to) fulfill that desire. And I felt I needed to make a more concrete stand about who I was or wasn't going to date.

So, I left the temple and found a message waiting for me. This is what ensued.

Him: Did you get my picture? 

Me: I did. And I have to be honest: after being in the temple, I feel strongly that I am not the kind of girl who could bring you happiness. And vice versa. It is probably best if we don't go out on Saturday. 

Him: Okay. 
Him: May I send you another? 

Me: No. That won't change my mind. What you look like has nothing to do with the fact that I want to marry in the temple, and you cannot offer me that. Please don't contact me again. 

I am thrilled to say that he hasn't written since, but I was (and still am) worried that when he didn't get my no the first time, he wasn't going to get it the second. I'd call him Mr. Collins, if a former date didn't already have that nickname.

Since I love gifs, I thought I would post a some of my reactions.
*Learning he had forgotten about our date within 18 hours of setting it up.

*His bragging about smoking weed with his friend

*Receiving the unwanted picture.

*His request to send me another picture after I canceled our date.

An LDS Single Girl in a Non-LDS Dating World

*Please note: This conversation, the site I used which is predominantly not an LDS site, or the guy I chatted with in no way represent all single men (LDS or not LDS.) I acknowledge that there are some great men out there, which is why I continue to have some good dating experiences, etc. This guy just wan't one of them.

An actual online conversation I had last night. 

Guy: Hey

Me: Hi

Guy: What's up

Me: Unwinding from the day and about to head to sleep actually

Guy: Awh, I'm in the mood :/

Guy sends pic of him at a bar

Me: Is that from tonight?

Guy posts pic of him after a workout

Guy: No weekend

Me: Ah. Must have been an interesting night! I should probably tell you if you didn't guess that I am LDS. I am all about making friends, and even dates, but I am also about as goody-goody as they come.

Guy: Are you a virgin

*Side note: I debated about just telling him it was none of his business, as it isn't. Even ending it there, which I see now was the best course of action. But then, I have nothing to hide. And I am proud and grateful I have stuck to my standards and convictions all these years. So I figured I would stand up for my beliefs and choice of lifestyle. Because I thought people need to know that some of us actually do stick to our standards. I suppose in reality, they don't really care and are just trying to get what they want in spite of what you say*

Me: Yes I am

Guy: Til your married

Me: Absolutely. Sorry if that ruins the fun, but it is a huge commitment for me, especially since my love language is physical touch. And it's something very special I want to share with only my best friend

Guy: Do you do anything?

Me: I do many things! Want to clarify that?

*Side note: Stupid me thought he was asking something like, "do you even kiss?" Stupid, stupid me.*

Guy: Like blowjobs?

Me: No. I don't do oral sex either.

Guy: Then...

Me: The chaste stuff like holding hands, kissing. If a relationship needs more than that before a marriage commitment, there ain't much to the relationship. Or any creativity and variety in expressing ones feelings

Guy: Not even like a hand job

Me: Nope. Sounds like I am not your type of girl

Guy: Dang
Guy: Intimacy is kind of important to me

Me: It is to me, too. Just within certain bounds

Guy: Do you even get yourself off

Me: I don't need to. My sexual desires are strong, but they don't rule me and I am not addicted to them

Guy: Do I get a sexy pic?

Me: I am starting to doubt you would find any of my pics sexy

Guy: Like no cleavage?

Me: Nope. Saving it for someone special who loves me for me and not just what I can physically offer him


*So now I just feel gross and dirty and like I want to scrub myself raw to be clean after glimpsing what the non-LDS dating world (and unfortunately how some LDS daters go about things) can be. Heard about it. Never wanted to experience it. Lesson learned - next time I won't even let it go beyond the first sexual joke. I'll just end it. It isn't worth either of our time.

Spring is Coming--it's almost here!

I had forgotten how many emotions can be endured and lessons learned/reinforced in only a few days. Truly, the best part of all the failed relationships I've had over the years is how much I grow mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and intellectually. Mark a few more taller notches on my growth chart--this one is a huge growth spurt. In just 4 days, I have re-learned about forgiveness, answers to prayers, and the power of the Atonement while repeatedly and randomly cycling through all 5 stages of mourning and grief (denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). You'd think once one reaches acceptance they're done. But no. I have accepted it by the end of one day, and then wake up to a different stage.

I've gone through the same thing with my aunt's death last summer. I have accepted it. I am so grafetul for eternal families. Yet when I went to visit her grave a month ago I burst out in tears from missing her so much and still in disbelief that she is gone from us here on earth.

What was amazing is that I have been listening to my I Need to Cry playlist all this time, knowing I had tears that needed to come out for a more fuller healing of myself. I know me. That's how I work. Yesterday I felt on top of the world, because in the temple the previous night I was able to forgive him for what he did. But this morning? I woke up, and finally cried. Rather unexpected. By that point I guessed that there would be no tears. But I was wrong. And I feel there are still a few more that want out before I've cleansed the aching soul. Amazing that you can forgive someone, yet there is still residual pain. Probably because even though I hadn't given him my heart as I'd done in previous relationships, I gave him a part of myself that I had never given before. I compromised a bit on my side, yet there was still a lot of meaning and intention and even commitment in what I gave. He worried I would regret that. And I wouldn't have, save for how he chose to end it.

However, I'm not missing him. I'm missing the relationship we were building. I had a date last night with a man I've known for 10 years. It was comfortable. It was nice. But I could not help thinking throughout it how much it was lacking from what I'd just had. Not saying that it couldn't build in time with date guy, but I was just reminded how far and how deeply break-up guy and I had gotten to. How he qualmed so many of my social anxieties. How it was so easy and natural to be with him. How our conversations ran absolutely everywhere. I was missing that. That's what I thought of when I woke. That's what brought on tears.

But I have forgiven him. He may be a huge idiot (I really hope he doesn't get hurt by his decision). And he is rather self-centered, as the majority of our relationship focused on him and his thoughts and his opinions and his needs and his timeline and his desires. That's what I was hoping to address with him Monday night. But I didn't get a chance. There is relief to a point. I don't have to deal with those aspects now. But I had really wanted to. I had wanted to try and move past our second real barrier.

Instead I found myself facing, alone, his betrayal. For by Wednesday I figured out that is exactly what he did. He betrayed me with a kiss. (Well, several hundred kisses.) And I was so angry. But in the temple, I put things in perspective and could see that when Jesus was betrayed, it was a much deeper, more painful, more knowing and willing betrayal than what I endured. And I prayed for help to let go and forgive him. The Savior answered that prayer, and I felt amazing yesterday. I felt whole and my soul was lighter and freer.

Yet in the evening and then this morning, I could see that the last vestiges of the whole ordeal remain. I need to forgive her. I didn't realize I needed to until I noticed that anger kept returning, and it is because of her role in all this. I'm having an extremely difficult time with this--it may be the hardest part for me. But I really, really want to move on. And I don't want something as trivial as this to hold me back.

So currently I'm praying for help with that. And listening to either Josh Groban's "You are Loved" or "For Always" on repeat. I haven't reached "My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee" on repeat, which means I am doing very well, actually. That fact alone reminds me that I've endured much worse, as well as what an incredible future full of promised blessings I have in store for me!

I just came back from a walk on my lunch break. And I came up with an analogy to go with all this! I know. I love my analogies (as seen in spiritual life as well as previously in dating). We had snow last Monday--on THE day. We've been having snow here and there for the last 2 or 3 weeks. And it seemed like spring just couldn't make it through. Or maybe it would come but be very stunted. Today as I walked, I looked around and noticed that in spite of the snow and cold temperatures, spring is determined here in Utah. It is tenacious and fighting with such a will. There are blossoms on trees, and green buds forming. Daffodils and crocuses still blooming in spite of the chill and earlier snow. It is beautiful, and it brings hope.

And that is me in this frustrating, unpredictable, upsetting, disheartening wintery dating world. I am determined. I am tenacious and I will fight with a will until I succeed. I will not let setbacks keep me from reaching my potential. From continuing to grow. To be powerful. To be full of life. To be beautiful.

To. Be. Full. Of. Hope.

That's the name of this blog! I live in hope. I will continue to do so. I am determined and I will keep going. Like spring in Utah I will not let anything set me back from achieving my potential and what the Lord intends for me.

Not hopeless

I started reading this quote as if it applied to my struggle with being a single adult. I realize once I recognized the quote that that wasn't the original message or meaning. However, with the amazing things I've been learning from my pseudo dating coach, my Goddess coach, or my Toronto God-send--what shall I call her?!?!, this quote applies to me. Especially to the barrier that I built somewhere in my history to protect myself. A barrier that I'm currently trying to recognize each time it creeps up and work on moving away from. In January I'll attend a seminar/conference that will help me even more with that. Until then, I thought it appropriate to share. And felt I should give a bit of an update on where I am in my singleness. I'm on the yellow brick road to Oz--things are looking up so much!

Dumb Me--I'm Doing It All Again!

Yesterday I did something stupid. Here I've spent months trying to "Close the Back Door," and then I just opened it wide and shouted out "Hello there!!!" I have immediately been trying to close it again. And while it was really stupid of me, it certainly was glorious. Fun, enjoyable, memorable. I laughed so much. I made him laugh! (That surprised me.) There was always easy, ready conversation. He could dance--which made the fun twice what it could have been. And it was so easy and natural to just be relaxed and be myself!

The problem with opening that door and then closing it reminds me of exactly what I've been looking for in a relationship--and seeing that it actually exists somewhere. But there have been so few in my life where I have felt this way. And I have to grasp so tightly to the faint, usually fleeting hope that I can find this yet again with some other man--but one who will feel the same way in return. That is a very, very difficult hope to hold on to. Which is why Closing the back door hurts. But I'm only hurting myself more if I don't. The last 5 months have already proved that.

Answered Prayers

Heavenly Father is the best. Always. He wanted me to make my (recent) decision, but He didn't want me to feel guilty or telling myself how awful I am. I was able to attend a free seminar this early evening from a Dating coach/matchmaker/whatever her title from Toronto who spoke on The 3 Mistakes Women Make in Dating. It all came together within the last week, and I first heard of it just a few days ago while I was in the middle of figuring out my own current situation. I felt prompted to do it, in spite of other plans that had been forming for the day.

So I registered. And I went. And it was absolutely everything I've been needing to hear I couldn't believe that every single word she spoke was applicable and eye-opening. And I spoke with her 1-on-1 because of one last bit of confusion that I still had on my part. I was able to leave with complete peace about the decision I made a couple of days ago. No guilt. No feeling like I'm an awful person. Complete understanding and acceptance. And a reassurance that I needed to take care of that tonight and not wait until the next time he asked me on a date.

I feel just as the Lord would want me to--at peace, happy, and ready to keep going. To close the back door and get off the sidelines. I love how well He knows me and puts just what I need in my path right when I need it.

A Stupor of Thought--and Feelings and More

I've had a rough week. It is ending with me 90% making a decision about dating a guy, which brings peace yet guilt. In the 3 months we've known each other, we've managed 3 dates. Of course, those dates actually took place within 3 weeks of each other, since the first half of our knowing each other was too busy for either of us to go on a date. A fourth could have taken place, but busy schedules still conflict. And now for me, there is something else to consider. I've been trying this whole time to just relax, practice, and not worry or overanalyze or get too excited. Yet it has come to my notice that during this whole 3 months, I've never been excited. I was excited to finally get a 3rd date after so many years, but it wasn't because of the guy I was going with. And I felt that even though I shouldn't be over-analyzing, I should probably at least make an analysis of some kind. My dating coach says you usually can tell within the 1st 6 dates. Reaching a 4th date and finding myself unexcited, slightly bored, and feeling no connection should be saying something, right?

Yet therein lies the guilt. "On paper," this guy is exactly what I'm looking for. He's active in the Church because he wants to be. He is a temple worker, he does a lot of service, he fulfills his calling, he's served a mission, he's a gentleman, he is musical (in talent and in interests). I've learned a lot of the basics about him, which I can infer some of the deeper stuff from. But we haven't touched much on the deep stuff. Our 3 dates have been to things that don't allow much talking at. (That has always irked me ever since Mr. Freshman Year when 8 of our 9 dates were to things like that.) We would get a little to and from the activity, but not much until the last date when we finally had a (according to this introvert) real conversation. After that date, it was the only time I felt any excitement or interest. Which lasted a couple of days.

Because in between dates? Our conversation--all through text, another extremely irksome thing to me but I went with it because of our crazy, busy schedules--was paltry at most. There was absolutely no depth. It started to get predictable--I could guess what day and time he was going to send a text, and exactly what he was going to ask. And the questions were always extremely basic, not inviting much depth. And when I returned questions to get depth from him, I got a few word answers instead. I blame part of the lack of a connection for me on these trivial conversations that felt more of a "by the way I'm still here, are you?" I realized each time I actually saw him in person, it felt like a first date all over again because it was dying in between.

I wasn't really sure what he was wanting or why/how/if he was interested and to what degree except that it was a date to pass the time and there were no other options to be had right now. I honestly don't know. And if I'm being fully honest, I might as well also say that until the one tiny spark at the end of the 3rd date that quickly died out, there wasn't much interest on my part. All of these things that I was learning should have made me excited, right? Should have had me excited that I was finding things I've been looking for and been trying to be, right? Yet it wasn't there. And my dating coach has been teaching me to match the man's efforts, because in the past I've done it all wrong and just gone for it, tried to kindle flames from sparks, tried to encourage things. In essence, taking full control of the relationship and investing so much while the man was investing little to nothing. I didn't want to make that mistake. So I was waiting to see his interest and investment. Too much space and mostly silence with an occasional "how's it going" wasn't much to make me feel a lot of interest in me or investment.

So here I've been all week with every conflicting emotion, thought, and years of lessons racing at me (whether from my dating coach, all my failed previous attempts, dating blogs, LDS apostles' counsel, and examples I've seen in so many friends and family). Some of these have included
*Don't put too much thought into it.
*Just let things be.
*Relax. Open yourself up to options.
*'Sparks' can come with time.
*Physical attraction can come with time.
*It's only been a few dates, it takes time.

I have let all of these things guide me during the last 3 months. And yet it all boils down to the fact that I really couldn't care if I never saw this guy again. I'm not excited about him, I'm not excited about getting to know him, and I really have no interest in spending more time with him or getting to know more about him. Which leads me to believe that I am a terrible, horrible, awful person. I can't nail down any specific reasons except two would never "hold up in court."
1) I feel no connection with him
2) I believe the Spirit is OKing it

I hear the voices telling me I haven't given it enough time and effort to feel a connection. But I feel to disagree. In fact, I think I've been trying to force a connection because on paper everything looks right. It should be something I want and feel excited about, so I must make a connection somehow. But that hasn't worked. And it has actually led to at some points feeling like I would throw up, and complete emotional upheaval or unsettling. The last time I felt so unsettled was when I was trying to make my first mission decision in 2003. I kept making some decision that involved me going on a mission. As soon as I made the decision, I would start to get all upset inside. Couldn't concentrate on anything (mission related or not). I felt confused and upset and frustrated. After 4 or 5 different decisions, I finally made one that did not involve a mission in the near future. There was immediate peace and calm. I learned a great lesson of what "a stupor of thought" means. And it is exactly what I've been going through the last week, even more than that. I have been trying to figure out every way I could try to give him a chance, a better chance, a more informed chance by letting him know about the paltry texts killing any possible connection. But, even if that were fixed, that doesn't mean that suddenly a connection would take place. A connection might not be there because there is absolutely no chemistry between us. I compare him with previous men I've dated and there are stark differences in feelings and reactions and emotions.

And I've been praying for a good solid week on everything in relation to this. I finally got an answer a couple of days ago that, like Elder McConkie's Agency or Inspiration talk, it was completely my decision. What did I want? Make my choice and go to the Lord with it. So when I finally told him yesterday morning that I really did not want anything to do with this guy, that peace and calm came with it. And just like with the mission decision, there was guilt accompanying it. Because with that decision, I knew many in the LDS world would judge me. But even worse, I knew my family would be disappointed and questioning. I spent years having to deal with my mother's disapproval and lack of understanding when I wished that she could trust my personal revelation. But in spite of what the world thought, I had to go with what had been revealed to me upon my decision.

It is the same now. My two friends that I've kept in the loop on this look at me like I'm crazy. They support what I choose, but neither can see why I'm throwing away a perfectly good match. And if I were to listen to them as well as all those previous experiences/lessons voices, I would give in and stick with it. But I ignored the Spirit on a matter of dating once before, with Mr. Freshman Year. I spent a year of very difficult emotions trying to move past him and our very rocky break up because I did not listen at the beginning. I have to trust in my peace that I'm feeling, however guilty I feel with it because I have no "logical" answer if someone were to ask "why?"

And yet in spite of knowing what my choice is, and feeling at peace with it, I still think I'm an awful person. That there is something still wrong with me. That I'm not applying Alma 32 somehow.

Trusting in one's own faith, one's own decisions, and one's personal revelation is a lot harder than we usually think about.

33 Reflections of (Possibly) Why I'm 33 and Single

I felt "my list" deserved its own entry. This list's creation is an inspiration from Liz and an opportunity of self-reflection and reminiscing for me. Please remember the linked to entry lest you think I'm a whiner or making excuses or truthfully harsh.

33. I had one date in high school. My senior prom. My date already had a girlfriend. He was kind and wanted to make sure I got to go to my prom (though I'd already planned to go as a single with a group of friends and their dates). It was a very sweet gesture, and the date was fine. Though awkward.

32. One date in high school didn't give me a lot of chances for practicing in that area of life, but it wasn't a surprise or disappointment to me that I wasn't asked, as our family moved just a few weeks before my 16th birthday. All the guy friends I knew who could have asked me out were now 8 hours away. I was in a very new place with even fewer LDS people than where I'd lived previously. My standards stood out and the boys there respected them, which meant they would not ask me out either.

31. In my dating-eligible years of high school, one of the guys I liked immediately left on his mission and was gone the whole two years I was there. The other guys I liked were all younger--some of them not eligible to date until after I'd left for college. Yep, even then my attraction to younger men was defeating my purposes.

30. Yes, I have often been attracted to younger men. Usually it has been within 3 or 4 years, but recently more have been 5 years younger, and a very few have been 7 and even 10 years younger. Yes, I'm a cougar--I'm a BYU alumni and that is our mascot. No, I'm not a cougar by the term that has come into society. Why must people insult me when I'm attracted to men who have a love for life, ambition, focus, direction, and fun when many of the men my age are just bumps on a log making no efforts with life or with dating. It is small wonder that the younger men who haven't become jaded are more attractive. Yet those younger men must look at me as some washed-up old maid who has been passed over by men for some reason or another--because that is exactly what it feels like.

29. Unfortunately I have a fine line between what is too fast in a relationship, and what is too slow. I have learned that is a part of my introverted nature, but I'm not really sure how to explain that in the early phases of dating without convincing the guy even more of my off-the-wall idiosyncrasies.

28. I had a fake fiance once. We'll just leave that one there.

27. Pretty sure my love language is touch. Yet I'm very conservative and reserved when it comes to that part of the relationship, preferring to keep it from entering a relationship until much farther down the line. That has been a blessing and a hinderance in every case over the years. (Yet in spite of some recent dating advice, I'm still going to hold to my guns on that, because I very much believe this.)

26. I'm pretty strict in my budget and finances for most things, and life was really tight for a few years. Which means I use money for necessities and new clothes aren't always a necessity. Unfortunately that means frump and feeling blah can happen a lot in the (outdated--meaning 7+ years) clothing area.

25. I have a lot of physical issues that make me self-conscious and have me thinking others see it, too. It could be affecting my physical attraction level to men. I don't know. But it definitely affects my self-esteem.

24. I once had a date that only occurred because we were proving a point to each other. The irony is that I'd had a huge crush on the guy and went through an embarrassingly and (for me) elaborate asking him to Preference only to wait 5 days and then be rejected because he's just started dating another girl. You'd think finally going on a date would have fed the crush. But the crush was 18 months previous, and his rejection had thoroughly crushed the crush.

23. I had (have?) a bad habit of telling guys who I'm pretty sure aren't interested in me that I'm interested in them and just want to hear for sure how they feel so I can remove all trace of hope. I've learned from my dating coach this isn't recommended....

22. This previously listed bad habit has now morphed to asking guys whom I'm pretty sure aren't interested in me out on dates so I don't ruin my chances with the ones who might actually be interested. I'm thinking this might still not be wise....

21. I come across as settled, or too adult. <As an infamous eye roller, you need to insert an eye roll here>

20. Mr. Best Friend was 5 years of my life. 5 years during my eligible dating years. That's almost 1/3 of those years.

19. In my 17 years of eligible dating years, I spent 3 of them living where there were only about 5 worthy and worthwhile (meaning they had jobs, and they happily lived the Gospel wholeheartedly) men to date in my branch/immediate area, and 4 years where there were 0 eligible men in the immediate area (and about 50 in the entire state).

18. Generally, I either don't inspire 2nd dates with guys I would like to have those with, but do inspire them with guys that a first was enough for me.

17. I have a Dating Coach now. The last 2 years I've spent learning all of the things I've been doing wrong the previous 15 years. I concur with her motto: "It's not you, it's your technique."

16. I had a reverse adolescence. Everyone went through an "eek" phase as a teen and grew out of it by the time they were a young adult. My teen years were rather "meh" and then suddenly as a young adult, I started to go through "eek." I didn't figure out hair, make-up, clothes until I finished graduate school. I had just turned 25.

15. I had a second date with a guy that was a complete misunderstanding, but I didn't have the heart to clear up the mistake.

14. I had a man who was very much interested in dating me, until he found out that some times I donate my hair. He told me that just showed where my priorities in marriage were. :-O

13. There was one guy during my high school dating years, close to my age, whom I was really interested in. I thought he was interested in me. We got along so well, and I soon learned that the ward thought we were dating! I figured out his feelings when I learned at a ward dance that he wasn't coming--because he'd asked some other girl to his school dance.

12. After a discussion and agreement with a man that I'd been on one date with that we were not exclusive, he continued to contact me every day, and follow me around like a puppy (no exaggeration--every where I went!!) at 2 church activities. When he confronted me about not seeming to enjoy this behavior, I reminded him that we'd agreed we were not going to be exclusive, that I needed some space, as my personality type tends to need. He chose not to reply, but his responding action was to completely avoid and ignore me while obviously pursuing another woman in front of all our mutual friends. I guess his definition of space meant "we're done."

11. I once hit it off very well with a guy who had just come home from his mission. I thought he was interested in me. As fast as we started to hit it off, he completely dropped all contact with me when he left to be a salesperson in another city. I learned later from his sister that he was interested, but (not knowing the full story) thought that Mr. Best Friend and I would make a much better couple. So he dropped his pursuit of me and told Mr. Best Friend to date me, which, obviously, never happened.

10. I am a desirable target for Ghosting.

9. I am a desirable choice for "We're just friends, but I need someone to go on a date with me so you'll have to do" dates.

8. My self-definition is that I am a sentimental, melodramatic, stubborn, hopeless romantic. That reason could stand alone and condemn me.

7. I never have a clue what I'm doing, and pretty sure that everything I do is not the right thing. Too much, not enough? Right time, wrong time? It's all a game--and I hate playing it! #WelcomeToDating

8. I let myself get too attached too easily to men I barely knew, who (now I can see) obviously had no interest whatsoever in me.

7. I get too excited too soon about possibilities and What Could Be's when I need to just relax and have fun. (This would be one of the biggest lessons I'm trying to learn from my Dating Coach.)

6. I have always been attracted to the kind of men who would never pay me a second thought. I'm doing my utmost to go more with the Top Ten Categories that my Dating Coach has counseled me to do. Two years is still a little too early to tell, and unfortunately the attractions for the Out of My Reach still occur.

5. I have a "terrible" introvert/hermit nature that would much rather stay home than put myself out there among strangers. There were definite times during my dating years when I just checked out of society. And those times lasted much longer than they should, hence my fierce determination to stay in it right now, even though I'm exhausted!

4. There was a guy I met at a party a few years ago. It was instant interest on my side. I met and began liking him before my other friends, but as they met him, they began to like him, too. One dropped out of the running, but the other, my roommate, was still interested. She was doing nothing to advance that, while I was. I even asked the man on a date. After a nice date, he walked me to my door. I could have let him say goodnight, and that probably would have been the end of everything. On reflection, I still wish I'd left it. But I knew my roommate was interested, so I invited him in for ice cream so she could have a chance to talk with him and get to know him as well. He was visiting with us for another 3 hours, which led to a year of "aaaaaaah!!!" for the both of us. I suppose if I'd left it, it all would have worked itself into some other part of our life. Still, why am I kind like that?

3. I had a Skype date with a guy who refuted every opinion I had on mutual books we'd read. I knew there would NEVER be a chance for us when he told me that Mr. Collins was the real hero of Pride & Prejudice.

2. I'm told I'm intimidating, where ever that comes from. I direct you here for my defense (warning: some foul language contained).

1. It's a part of God's plan which I learn a little more of each day and which I put my faith and trust in.

Last words (for now): There's so much more I could say. Some of this is facetious. Some of it is speculation. Some of it is truth. Some of it is, who knows. 17 years of dating (or not dating) brings a lot of experiences, thoughts, and lessons to learn. I think the most important thing is that at my current situation, right now, I'm happy. I love my life. I love what I have learned. I love what I have ahead of me. I recently learned something in my marriage class that definitely applies to dating: Be ready for Failure, Frustration, and Forgiveness. It will always be there. These reflections show that the 3 F's have flowed throughout my dating experiences--both on my side and on all the men's sides. I only have more room to grow, and I will stay at that.

Amen

I came across this blog post yesterday, and it inspired me! In many ways. It also made me laugh, sympathize, empathize, and got me thinking. I want to create my own list. It will be part humorous, but all truthful. A good self-reflection, since I like to do that around my birthday. But I also loved what she had to say after her list. I quote a huge chunk of that, because she nailed it. It is exactly how I feel. So why put into words what she said perfectly? (I also highlighted the paragraph that currently resonates with me considering what I've recently been through, but everyone of these paragraphs has been a lesson learned/realized--often repeatedly--at some point or another.)

Here are her words, which I want you to add my testimony/belief/statement/agreement to:

Well, let's start off with the fact that I do want to get married. But I have struggled long and hard to realize that my singledom is actually my own choice. I am not a victim of circumstance nor am I even a pawn in some great malicious game God is playing. I have always had and still have my ability to choose. But I just haven't found someone who I would want to be married to and who would also want to be married to me.

Have I met guys before that I think I was compatible with? Yes. Did they think they were compatible with me? No. Has the reverse happened? Most definitely. But, I would be unhappy being married to someone I was unhappy with. And he would be unhappy with me in the reverse. So I'm grateful that I haven't just married to get rid of my single status. I'm looking to marry someone to build a relationship, life, and a family with. And that sometimes takes a little longer. And, no, I'm not looking for perfection, which is the next thing you were going to ask me. How could I honestly expect perfection when I'm a fruitcake myself?

And to those who think otherwise, being single is not a curse. I have an excellent career, wonderful callings in the Church, family and friends who surround me, plenty of opportunities to serve others, and in general, I lead a pretty good existence. Yes, I struggle with massive issues of perfectionism. Still. Every day. And you know what? I bet I would struggle with that being married as well. Do I sometimes feel lonely? Sure. So do married people. Marriage is not a "fix" for most problems and could even intensify them. I'm still in favor of it because there's the potential for greater joy as well. And because the family is central to God's plan. And because I love me a good man. (And because...childrenzzz!)

Overall, I know that God knows where I am. He knows what I am doing. And our plans are in sync. It's tempting to ask, "Why?" And sometimes I do. But when I ask "why?" the real answer is not, "Well, it's because you turned that one guy down on a third date." It's more like, "Remember that sister in your ward who you helped when she was lonely? I needed you there for her" or "Remember how you were available to help your family when there was an emergency? I needed you there to help."

I know I could certainly help and serve being married with children, and boy howdy, I fully intend to do so. But since I am where I am, I have chosen to do what God would have me do and be where He would have me be right now. In this moment. I am astounded nearly every day that if I choose to instead ask, "Am I doing what you want me to do?" the answer is, "Yes!" (except for when I am a basket case and beat up on myself emotionally. Or maybe not when I fail again and again at holding my tongue. You know what, though? Maybe even in those moments because those moments humble me and turn me to God and others. And to professional counseling. Hahaha...).

Does God want me to have my own family? Of course. Does He know I want a family? Assuredly. So we've got that covered. What else do I need to worry about?

I'll tell you what I worry about--working to believe Christ and trust in God. I work to be a better person and develop Christlike attributes. I work to love others more and serve others freely. I work to eliminate pride and bitterness from my soul. I work to avoid judgment and get rid of grudges. 

I probably have a million "reasons" why I'm still single at 30. And maybe even some of them are legitimate enough that I need to change myself to be the kind of person that my future companion would want to marry. And if that's so, thank the heavens I've been given some extra time. And if it's just because God has other places for me to be, I'm so grateful for those other enriching and wonderful opportunities I've been given. And if, which I also suspect, God is just letting me figure it out, well, then, go ahead and try to set me up on a date. Just don't be surprised when I shake his hand, when he calls me too emotional, or when I blog about my frustrations with dating (side note: dating really IS the worst. No battle.). 

God knows me. And he knows what I need. And he also knows what some future husband of mine needs. If the crazy who will want to marry me someday is anything of what I imagine him to be, he's also out there on his knees somewhere, praying that He can do all that God wants him to do. And he's out there serving and getting answers to his "why's" as well.

-By Liz, http://lizstitt.blogspot.com/2015/09/30-reasons-why-im-still-single-at-age-30.html?utm_content=buffer1f612&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer