Two Roads Diverged

I always knew that marriage would not be easy. Aside from the many books and articles I have read on relationships in hopes to prepare me for my own one day, I have observed countless other relationships. I know they are not all sunshine and roses--because even roses prick with their thorns and sunshine can cause sunburn or heat stroke. Opposition in all things requiring balance.

Yes, I am not married yet. We are in the engagement phase where we are making plans and adjustments. In a way it is nice to have the time for the adjustment. But it is also difficult, for as an LDS girl I know of the power of the adversary--and he is certainly trying to give it all he can.

I did not go into this relationship blind. I never thought it would be an easy thing. But I could never have imagined quite what it would be like. Like all those people who say you won't really understand anything about parenting until you have your own children. That baby-sitting and nanny-ing and any other child care is still not quite the same thing. Well, so it is with relationships. Especially relationships intended on marriage.

The last week was difficult for both of us. Emotions, stresses, mental and physical energy. It all wore on us. For me, it allowed the adversary to sneak in to tell me how unfit I am as a companion. What a terribly mistake this is. That being single is easier. So like the adversary--feeding lies mixed in with a truth. Because even before I met my love, I had come to the realization that singleness really is easier. It doesn't allow me to progress in many ways, but it sure is easier! A long while back I had to make the decision if I wanted the easier road, or the difficult one that would lead me to a greater joy and happiness and fulfillment that could never be found on the road for one. I made that choice then. I made it again when I told my love I would marry him. And ever since I have had to make that choice every day--sometimes several times in the day!

The adversary keeps trying to remind me that the single road is easier, but conveniently leaving out the memories of the loneliness and heartache and all those tears as I dealt with life single, alone, and frustrated in a spot I could not progress from. While trying to distract me with that half truth, he tries to throw in all those other things that feed off my doubts and insecurities. And it is a daily struggle--an even harder one because for the next few months I am still at a place where I could easily make a different choice.

Single is easier, but not worth it. And maybe I am inadequate and flawed. But heavens--aren't we all! Who on this earth aside from our Savior was ever perfect? Who ever knew all the answers and applied them all perfectly when it came to marriage? I am in great company of millions throughout earth's history who chose this route and fought every single step of the way to bring about the greatest blessing of their lives. And never let go. The Josh Groban song that I used to hold on to for the hope it gave--which hope for me was that my dream of finding the love of my life would come about one day--has now changed to not letting go of "all that we could be." All we are meant to be--but only together. I have never been one to shirk a challenge, unless I'm tired! :-) So it is time to "Awake and Arise" and fight what I must for the 3rd greatest choice of my life.

I can't understand it.
The search for an answer is met with a darker day.
And we've been handed these moments forever.
But I'm reassured there's another way.
You don't have to close your eyes.
There is room for love again.
Ease the pain to realize
All that love can be.
Forced apart by time and sand.
Take a step and take my hand.
And don't let it go.
Never let go.

Broken, once connected,
We were so strong and so blessed in a simple way.
So don't let me go it alone.
Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below but me.
Face the truth to realize
All that we could be.
Torn apart by rage and fear.
Hold onto what brought you here.
Don't let it go.
Never let go.

Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below.
Don't let go.

Today

Today I still have 

My mom and dad
My beloved sister
My brothers
My amazing in-laws
My "niephews" 
My home
My job
My patrons who love me
My co-workers who love and support me
My neighbors and ward members
My testimony
My health
My car
My legs and feet
My arms and hands
My hair (yes, I'm going to put that in there :-) )
My eyes
My friends and very best friends
My aunts, uncles, and cousins
My blogs
My games
My Happy Now list
My memories
My love
My heart
My beliefs
My freedoms
My voice
My Church leaders
My tissues
My books
My blankets
My joy
My ability to serve
My temple recommend
My smile
My sense of humor
My food
My sense of security
My experiences
My desires
My Lord's Gospel
My scriptures
My journals
My gift of the Holy Ghost
My Redeemer
My Heavenly Father
My future


Today, I am overwhelmed. 
Today I am mourning.
Today I am tired.
Today I am crying.

But

Today, I am grateful.
Today, I am fortunate.
Today, I am blessed.

34 Reasons Why I am A Great Choice for a(n active LDS) Man to Marry

So, last year I wrote a slightly facetious post about 33 reasons why I might still be single at 33. Well, now I'm 34. And I honestly cannot believe how much has changed in just a year, especially in regards to social life, dating, and relationships. There were extremely tough times, which led to my recent #34Before34 challenge to keep my mind off the tough times. But there has been so much amazing and wonderful in this last year, too! All because of my Unleash Your Inner Goddess seminar, lessons, training (whatever else you want to call it all). I look over last year's list and now can see many flaws in it, no matter how facetious some of them may have been.

Thus it came to my mind that I should write a more positive list this year. Maybe it will come across as full of myself. But considering what my fears and barriers in dating have been (that I am invisible to men, or that I am 2nd choice, last choice, or no choice at all), I think this is a wise endeavor--though a really tough one! (Addendum: it took me a whole day to write this post.)

And so, may I present to you

34 Reasons Why I am A Great Choice for a(n active LDS) Man to Marry

1. I am active LDS, because I want to be and I love to be. 

2. I have a testimony of the Gospel and its principles, especially of the Atonement.

3. I love the temple, and actually go there to serve. :-)

4. I have an odd sense of humor. Guaranteed to make somebody laugh.

5. I know enough cooking and baking that we wouldn't starve. He might even enjoy it. ;-) (And I promise not to feed him any of my random meals unless he actually wants one.)

6. I'm actually pleasant to look at, when my face chooses to cooperate.

7. I can sing fairly well, and adore doing so--free entertainment, though generally in the musical genres of my choice. I'll also be able to sing lullabies to our children, and to him if he wishes.

8. I love to dance, even if I'm not good at it. Fun, simple, even cheap to no cost activity choices there--whether at an event or just at home.

9. I like to clean. I like to live in a place that is clean. So I will make sure that place we will live in is clean, and have an enjoyable time making it so.

10. I have some fabulous hair he can play with. Just so long as he knows it takes some effort to keep my hair as healthy as it is, and that sometimes that hair gets cut for donations as well as healthiness and upkeep.

11. I have a very strong and healthy sex drive. ;-)

12. And guess what? As someone who has never been married, I have still maintained my values and standards and kept myself chaste for the man I will marry. Don't discredit me as some men have because I am "inexperienced." Value me because I had the strength and courage to fight for my virtue and purity all these years, especially with that strong and healthy sex drive.

13. I love to read. Free entertainment, easy gift choices, and endless possibilities of intelligent, interesting conversation topics.

14. I love teaching. I will enjoy teaching our children the Gospel, early literacy skills, how to have fun, and so much more. I'll especially love having him as my partner to teach these things.

15. I love children and I want children.

16. I try to keep the Gospel and the Spirit in my home as much as possible. I make my home a refuge from the world.

17. I know and love the scriptures, and love to keep learning from them.

18. I sustain and follow my Church leaders.

19. I honor and respect the Priesthood, and those worthy men who hold it and exercise its keys in righteousness.

20. I absolutely love life. With its ups and downs, its bright spots and dark ones, its highs and lows, its Gethsemanes and Liberty Jails as well as its Nauvoos and Promised Lands. "Come what may, and love it." Pollyanna Positive Points in everything.

21. I own a house. Yes. He may have one, too. Details that can be worked out later. But I have an absolutely adorable house that mirrors my personality. Would give anything to share that with him, but if that is not in our plan, so be it. So long as he knows I have spent a few years learning how to budget for and take care of a house, and have developed a few skills and know-how along the way with that.

22. I am single at 34, still active in the Church, still believing in, hoping for, and working for an eternal marriage to my best friend. Why and how do I still believe, hope, and work? Because I trust in the Lord. I know He knows what is best for me. I know His timing is the best, and I trust in that, too.

23. That previous one? It's tied to patience, too. Not always my strongest virtue, but wow I have had a long time to work on developing it! I think I'm doing a fairly decent job at times with that.

24. I am not afraid of the task, challenge, work ahead of us in a marriage, because I am ready to give it my all, I trust that he will give it his all, and the two of us will always be sure that Heavenly Father is a part of our marriage, and it is Him we are trying to ever grow closer to.

25. I like to give neck and shoulder massages, and hand massages. And head massages. Possibly could do foot and back--just haven't had the opportunity (or inclination) to do those. Basically, I like to make others comfortable and help them relax. I can't imagine too many men who would not like some kind of service like this once in a while.

26. I have been reading and studying all kinds of topics that help in any kind of relationship, but with dating and marital relationships specifically in mind. I am even enrolled in a wife class. Why? Because I want to fill my arsenal with every tool I can to make our marriage successful. I don't want to just try at this marriage thing. I want to succeed in it and have a fabulously wonderful, fun, uplifting, engaging, growing time as we do so.

27. I know how to relax and have a good time. I am not all business. I am not all seriousness. Sometimes I like to go out for a good time. Sometimes I like to stay in. I enjoy an occasional lazy moment (or day). I like to eat junk food here and there. I like to sleep in or take a nap. I like to take it slow once in a while.

28. Along with the previous, I also enjoy exercising, eating healthy things, and trying to keep fit at a healthy, not obsessive level. I won't be a couch potato. But I won't be a health nut either. I am balanced in the middle and find peace, comfort, and happiness at that balance.

29. Mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, social, and physical knowledge and health are important to me.

30. I love my Savior.

31. I love my Heavenly Father.

32. I love my family and work to maintain those relationships, in spite of occasional opposition.

33. I love myself, even if I may at times struggle with some self-esteem issues, or personal doubts, or fighting the natural man, or whatever else may lie in my path. I have spent my lifetime getting to know who I am, developing who I am (which will always be a work in progress), and loving who I am. My Father and my Savior help me in that love. Because I have been able to come to love me, I am ready for a wonderful man to come to love me, too.

34. I am ready to face, meet, challenge, discover, and embrace the world with that man. Now.

More Experiences, and What I am Learning

Persistent Men. Or so it seems, as none of them offering to become LDS have yet to respond back after I mention Heavenly Father and the Savior being a part of that whole LDS thing. This guy at least had a faith in the Savior.

Monday - 10:27pm
Him: Hello miss Beautiful​

Me: Hi

Him: How are you miss cutie​

Me: I am well. Getting ready to head to sleep

Him: Aww well I hope your day was as radiant and beautiful and your smile ​

Me: Thank you. Good night! Or whatever time it is there.

Him: No problem talk wen you up :) ​Of it's OK for you ​

Me: I guess we'll see if our schedules mesh!

Him: I will match that schedules for you ​

Me: OK, but you should probably know that I am ok with chatting, however I only date active LDS men because I would like to find my best friend and be sealed to them in the temple. I don't want to waste other men's time if they cannot offer that to me. Even if that is just through chatting.

Him: You would find me one of the best guys you met and LDS would work 

​Me: Except you drink. And you say being Christian is not important to you. It is hugely important to me and being LDS is an extreme life change. Plus, I don't date men who are investigating the Church because I want them to join because of their belief in and love of Heavenly Father and the Savior, and nothing to do with me.

Him: I mean I am christian but I would accept the lady of other religion and I Do believe in Lord Jesus Christ he is Everything for me ! ​

Me: Which is great. But only an LDS man can take me to the temple, and that is my goal. I want my marriage to be eternal. So I don't want to waste other men's time.

Him: I would take you where ever you want ! ​

Me: Well, you can start with this. https://www.mormon.org/missionaries
Enjoy! And good night!

Him: OK I will do it goodnight ​

I haven't heard from him since. Who knows--maybe he is actually investigating. Though I find it sketchy that all the ones ready to change their religion so easily because of me are from different countries....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least the Greek Egyptian Christian Muslim man I had a date with last week (who in a roundabout way lied about being LDS) was upfront on looking in to the religion more, but forewarning me through his speech and actions that he was extremely open-minded. I got no sincerity from him in his honestly wanting to know about our religion. He was only interested in the fact that I also do not smoke, or drink, or have sexual relations outside of marriage. Which it is nice to actually be admired for the lifestyle I have chosen. But he did not care about the religion that influences my decisions in that.

And most importantly, he would not take any of my No's as answers about anything he was asking, including that I did not want to date him.

I stopped answering his messages--I am hoping that is the end of that. Though I did learn in this situation that I should have trusted my gut feeling, which turned out to be absolutely correct in this situation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But we do have the men who graciously accept the boundary and standard I have given myself.

Him: Hey can we meet for lunch tomorrow? I like get to know you​

Me: I'm sorry. I only date active LDS men because I would like to find my best friend and be sealed to them in the temple. I don't want to waste other men's time if they cannot offer that to me. Thank you though.

Him: Good luck​

Me: Thank you. You, too.

I have so much more respect for them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Or the ones who open either way, and upfront and cheerful and not as desperate sounding.

Him: Hey there. Going to be in _____ visiting family next week and I'm looking to have some fun during my trip. Thought you were gorgeous so I wanted to say hi. If you're interested, drop me a line but if not understand. Either way I hope you have a fantastic weekend!  Hope to hear from you soon. ​

Me: Hello. Thank you for the compliment. However, I am looking to meet active LDS men because I would like to find my best friend and be sealed to them in the temple. I don't want to waste other men's time if they cannot offer that to me. Thank you though. I hope you enjoy visiting _____. I am not from here, but I have come to love it.

Still keeps my respect.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Even the ones who are completely honest and upfront, like the guy who matched with me on Tinder.

Me: Hello! How was your weekend?

Him: My weekend was great. I'm an honest guy so I always play it straight. You're a beautiful girl! I use tinder for reasons that are so far beneath a girl like you. Is [I'd] never attempt or want to compromise you. I respect your values and wish you the best of luck there are so many dishonest lying creeps on here so please don't get yourself hurt.

Me: Thank you for your honesty and consideration. I really appreciate that. And I am doing my best to be careful on here. Thank you again.

So much of a difference when they aren't trying to take advantage of me, or not listen to me, or proclaim stuff they won't do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the last few months I have been on the most severe roller coaster in disappointment, frustration, and tiredness from online dating. But last Sunday in church, I was pondering what I am to be learning from this trial, as it is the main trial of my life right now (particularly the online dating portion of the Social Life/Dating Trial). And it came to me that I need to learn how to be more positive, more forward thinking, less discouraged, and less complain-y than I have been. Because I will endure so many other trials in my life, and I will need to know and apply these lessons there as well.

Thus I am trying to look at these little encounters and situations with gratitude and humor and positivity as much as I can. Always something to learn. Always something to gain. And I can do so cheerfully. So let's see how I do!

Why did I waste my time and energy?

Today's dating frustration that needs venting:

Does this guy honestly think that because he keeps telling me I am hot that suddenly I am going to change the physical boundaries I have set in a dating relationship--particularly the early stages of a dating relationship? Stages I have explained to him more than once.

I just....

I don't....


I can't even finish a sentence of a thought!!!

I don't know how to feel. I'm too "aaaaagggghhhh-eeehhhhh-aaaarrrgghh-uuuuggg" to do a Feelings Check. Unless that is the feeling. Anyone want to define that one for me?

You know what. I will just type up our text conversations from the last few days. I'll just leave it there for you to see. And then I'm going to go check in with my Inner Goddess.

(Please note that before these conversations, there had been talk on the online dating site about physical affection. Twice. He wanted a lot, admitted he could "do things"--but nothing that was sinning, and knew I was trouble for him. I told him I waited a while before I let that enter a relationship. He didn't respond for a few days, then suddenly got on and asked to chat with me through text. So the following was not the first time he broached this subject, or the first time I had answered him.)

Saturday

Him: Did you have a fun party?

Me: Yes, we had fun. It helps that she is one of my very best friends.

Him: That's great :-) you will have no trouble pleasing your husband with a wide selection of food it appears

Me: Yeah, except that spread will only happen if there is an income that can cover it!

Him: Haha. That's very good to point out :-) what are you looking for?

Me: I am looking for a socially strong and confident man who reciprocates my passion for life and its many varied joys and adventures. I like a man who converses easily where conversation flows easily to and from many various topics, and the conversing is naturally equal on both sides. I like a man who makes me feel comfortable, confident, attractive. I like him to make me laugh, it is easy to be with him, and life is fun and exciting with him. I also like him to be appropriate and respectful of the boundaries I have which are there for reasons.

Him: Wow. Very descriptive. Thanks!

Me: Well, I am asked a lot. I've also had a lot of time to think on it and had plenty of dates and experiences with men to help me figure it out.

Him: Sounds great

Him: Can I tell you something?

Me: Okay

Him: I'm very respectful. Very affectionate. Very open and honest. I love the same in return. Compliments. Massages. Kisses.

Me: Okay

Him: ?

Me: I don't know how else to respond

Him: Ok. You can disagree. I just wonder what you think.

Me: Disagree about what? Think about what? About the level of affection I want in a relationship?

Him: Yes. Just how you are. If you're affectionate. If you like being held. Kissed.

Me: My love language is physical touch. But I also am very careful about letting the physical enter a relationship too soon. Physical affection implies a much deeper connection and commitment for me than it does most of the men I meet. I compromised before, and I refuse to do it again. I also hold off because if it enters a relationship too soon, it will become the focus of a relationship. Once it is right for it to be there, I absolutely love that element.

Him: Ok. I really appreciate that. Thanks

Me: You're welcome

Him: Idk if you could ever like me

Me: And why would you think that

Him: I am a fast mover.

Me: If you were truly interested in who I am and not just what I have to offer physically, then I would think the respect you say you have would come in to play until I was ready. But you know yourself better than I do, so...yeah

Him: Ok

Me: Then I guess it is your choice of what you want to happen here

Him: It's your choice just as much as mine

Me: I've told you where I stand. It is your choice if you want to continue or not

Him: Ok.

Him: So no touch at all for how many dates usually?

Me: I don't set a number. If I feel a connection I may hold hands as soon as a first date. I would enjoy hugs, and arms around each other and such. But I do not kiss until we're exclusive.

Him: Good to know

Sunday

Him: Good morning beautiful

Me: Thank you, and good afternoon to you!

Him: Thank you :-)

Monday

Him: Hey how was your day?

Me: Not bad. A/C was broken at work, but it was first night of musical practice and that made up for the long, hot day

Him: Oh that makes a long day

Me: Yes indeed. How was yours?

Him: Pretty good thanks! Want a pic of me this morning?

Me: I don't know--do I?

Him: Yes I think?

Me: Very well

Sends pic

Me: You look surprised that you are going to work.

Him: Haha :-)

Him: Can I have one of you please?

Me: Well, the most recent I have is from a few weeks ago.

I send picture

Him: Hottie

Me: Thank you

Him: Sure. I'd prob end up playing with your hair

Me: That only bothers me if I took a lot of time to fix it, or I need it to be presentable later

Him: Do you like it?

Me: Having my hair played with?

Him: Yes

Me: Well, yes, except for the two scenarios previously stated

Him: Ok. I'm highly physical.

Me: Yeah. I got that.

Him: And you're not?

Me: We've kind of already had this discussion.

Him: Ok

Wednesday (tonight)

Him: You are in trouble

Me: And why is that?

Him: Cuz lol

Me: Ok....

Him: I think you're hot

Me: Ok

Me: Thank you

Him: I don't think you can handle me

Me: I think we have had this discussion before, too.

Him: Do you want to meet?

Me: Ok. When is a good time for you?

Him: Remind me again where you live?

Me: I am in ______. But I didn't mean when tonight. I meant when in the next 3 weeks.

Him: You schedule 3 weeks in advance?

Me: I know I have a lot of things scheduled in the next 3 weeks, so us finding mutual time to meet could take that long

Him: Ok

(Half hour later--because honestly I wanted to get this over with. I had no desire to meet with him from the moment he started texting me. But I figured one date is one date. Let's schedule it and get it over with. Maybe I'll be wrong in person. I don't know. But this constant and repeated stream of conversation was about to drive me crazy.)

Me: So you don't want to meet some time then?

Him: I do. But need to know when

Me: That is why I asked you when you were available

Him: Ok. I'll let you know.

Me: Ok. Just head's up, things fill up fast as time goes on because of work, class, and now rehearsals, so don't wait too long or the availability will be even further into the future.

Him: Ok. So not available for at least 3 weeks?

Me: Right now I think I have a couple days open within the next 3 weeks. If you wait the 3 weeks, I can guarantee July will be filling up as those weeks go by.

Him: lol what days are those??

Me: I don't have my calendar with me. I can find it after class. But it will be easier if you tell me your availability

(Hour later)

Me: Ok. This Friday just got booked up. So my next available times are the evenings of june 24th and possibly the 25th.

Him: Wow

Me: People don't seem to believe me when I tell them this is my busiest time of year....

Him: It's fine. I'd be very handsy with you.

Me: Then it doesn't look like we will be meeting. Thank you anyway for your interests and compliments. Good luck in your searching.

Him: That easy of a decision. Ok

Me: I have told you more than once how I feel about physical touch too soon in a relationship and you seem to like to ignore it. I prefer a man who will respect me

Him: Ok. I will leave you alone then

Me: Thank you



I know I am not the perfect example of how to handle situations and conversations and such. I am a work in progress with SO much to learn. So I am not trying to put myself as the person in the right. I probably could have been more open, etc. But I'll be honest that this guy 99% put me off because every conversation we had turned to the physical and how he really liked that, and really wanted that, and was interested in me. I don't think I ever had much interest in him. Maybe I was hoping he wouldn't be all like that. Or maybe I am so desperate to be getting dates so I can be having the experiences and getting the practice from dates and conversation and discovering/realizing/reaffirming the traits I am looking for in my best friend.

Maybe I should have ended this at the 1st red flag on the site when he first told me I was hot, and that I would be trouble for him. Or at the 2nd red flag when he bragged about his talent for doing dirty things that were not breaking any commandments.

OK. Here is the feelings check re-visted:

I don't understand this game.

I don't get this game.

I keep failing at playing this game--thinking I know the rules or the safety precautions, but constantly being bombarded and second-guessing what I knew, or thought I knew, and not sure of even WHAT I know.

I hate this game.

I want this game to be over!!!

Excuse me while I go talk things over with my Inner Goddess, and my Heavenly Father.

Driven Forth Before the Wind

My most recent experiences and lessons in the dating world--a culmination of last week's events, anyway-- are related to disappointment and unmet expectations. I know all about how you should not have expectations, because the majority of disappointment, frustration, etc. in relationships are when someone creates expectations...which inevitably do not get met.

I didn't realize that I was creating the expectations, and therein lay the problem. I was just loving what I was discovering, and somehow formed something in my mind which I absolutely loved and desired. That wasn't necessarily the problem. It was that somewhere in there I also created an expectation that what I was envisioning was reality. So, of course, that expectation was sorely unmet on Saturday. The disappointment is a different kind than I usually experience in dating. And rather big.

Leaves one wanting to give up. Again.

But I have learned too much and come too far to ever give up.

Luckily, I had a spiritual reminder on Sunday that brought everything back in to remembrance and focus. I love the many, many lessons one can gain from the stories about the Brother of Jared in the Book or Mormon. He builds barges to take his people to the promised land. We all know about the preparations he makes for the trip in those barges. Many of the lessons focus on that. But we often forget that on the journey, they were driven to and fro with the waves, tossed on the waters, and often plummeted into the depths. All while being driven forth toward the promised land.

I see the last 3 years of my dating experiences, lessons, etc. (and probably the wandering 12 years before that) very much like the journey of Jared's people. With the dating coach, I was building the barges and learning what to put inside to help on my journey. I have been set out on my journey, with the Goddess Weekend being my lighted stones as well as my trust that God is taking me on the right path. But that doesn't mean that my journey will be a smooth one. It is going to be extremely rough, full of riotous waves and putting me into the depths. But that is only because I am getting closer to the promised land. I am so close!! As I heard the missionary telling his story, I felt the Spirit impress upon me that I am close. This is my tempestuous journey in the sea, but the Lord is still directing me. I am still on the right course. And I am almost to my destination.

So maybe I am disappointed. Again if albeit differently. So I am frustrated and annoyed again. So I am exhausted throughout every bit of it. It will all be worth it. Because I believe in the promised land. And it is so close.

Spring is Coming--it's almost here!

I had forgotten how many emotions can be endured and lessons learned/reinforced in only a few days. Truly, the best part of all the failed relationships I've had over the years is how much I grow mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and intellectually. Mark a few more taller notches on my growth chart--this one is a huge growth spurt. In just 4 days, I have re-learned about forgiveness, answers to prayers, and the power of the Atonement while repeatedly and randomly cycling through all 5 stages of mourning and grief (denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). You'd think once one reaches acceptance they're done. But no. I have accepted it by the end of one day, and then wake up to a different stage.

I've gone through the same thing with my aunt's death last summer. I have accepted it. I am so grafetul for eternal families. Yet when I went to visit her grave a month ago I burst out in tears from missing her so much and still in disbelief that she is gone from us here on earth.

What was amazing is that I have been listening to my I Need to Cry playlist all this time, knowing I had tears that needed to come out for a more fuller healing of myself. I know me. That's how I work. Yesterday I felt on top of the world, because in the temple the previous night I was able to forgive him for what he did. But this morning? I woke up, and finally cried. Rather unexpected. By that point I guessed that there would be no tears. But I was wrong. And I feel there are still a few more that want out before I've cleansed the aching soul. Amazing that you can forgive someone, yet there is still residual pain. Probably because even though I hadn't given him my heart as I'd done in previous relationships, I gave him a part of myself that I had never given before. I compromised a bit on my side, yet there was still a lot of meaning and intention and even commitment in what I gave. He worried I would regret that. And I wouldn't have, save for how he chose to end it.

However, I'm not missing him. I'm missing the relationship we were building. I had a date last night with a man I've known for 10 years. It was comfortable. It was nice. But I could not help thinking throughout it how much it was lacking from what I'd just had. Not saying that it couldn't build in time with date guy, but I was just reminded how far and how deeply break-up guy and I had gotten to. How he qualmed so many of my social anxieties. How it was so easy and natural to be with him. How our conversations ran absolutely everywhere. I was missing that. That's what I thought of when I woke. That's what brought on tears.

But I have forgiven him. He may be a huge idiot (I really hope he doesn't get hurt by his decision). And he is rather self-centered, as the majority of our relationship focused on him and his thoughts and his opinions and his needs and his timeline and his desires. That's what I was hoping to address with him Monday night. But I didn't get a chance. There is relief to a point. I don't have to deal with those aspects now. But I had really wanted to. I had wanted to try and move past our second real barrier.

Instead I found myself facing, alone, his betrayal. For by Wednesday I figured out that is exactly what he did. He betrayed me with a kiss. (Well, several hundred kisses.) And I was so angry. But in the temple, I put things in perspective and could see that when Jesus was betrayed, it was a much deeper, more painful, more knowing and willing betrayal than what I endured. And I prayed for help to let go and forgive him. The Savior answered that prayer, and I felt amazing yesterday. I felt whole and my soul was lighter and freer.

Yet in the evening and then this morning, I could see that the last vestiges of the whole ordeal remain. I need to forgive her. I didn't realize I needed to until I noticed that anger kept returning, and it is because of her role in all this. I'm having an extremely difficult time with this--it may be the hardest part for me. But I really, really want to move on. And I don't want something as trivial as this to hold me back.

So currently I'm praying for help with that. And listening to either Josh Groban's "You are Loved" or "For Always" on repeat. I haven't reached "My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee" on repeat, which means I am doing very well, actually. That fact alone reminds me that I've endured much worse, as well as what an incredible future full of promised blessings I have in store for me!

I just came back from a walk on my lunch break. And I came up with an analogy to go with all this! I know. I love my analogies (as seen in spiritual life as well as previously in dating). We had snow last Monday--on THE day. We've been having snow here and there for the last 2 or 3 weeks. And it seemed like spring just couldn't make it through. Or maybe it would come but be very stunted. Today as I walked, I looked around and noticed that in spite of the snow and cold temperatures, spring is determined here in Utah. It is tenacious and fighting with such a will. There are blossoms on trees, and green buds forming. Daffodils and crocuses still blooming in spite of the chill and earlier snow. It is beautiful, and it brings hope.

And that is me in this frustrating, unpredictable, upsetting, disheartening wintery dating world. I am determined. I am tenacious and I will fight with a will until I succeed. I will not let setbacks keep me from reaching my potential. From continuing to grow. To be powerful. To be full of life. To be beautiful.

To. Be. Full. Of. Hope.

That's the name of this blog! I live in hope. I will continue to do so. I am determined and I will keep going. Like spring in Utah I will not let anything set me back from achieving my potential and what the Lord intends for me.

Dumb Me--I'm Doing It All Again!

Yesterday I did something stupid. Here I've spent months trying to "Close the Back Door," and then I just opened it wide and shouted out "Hello there!!!" I have immediately been trying to close it again. And while it was really stupid of me, it certainly was glorious. Fun, enjoyable, memorable. I laughed so much. I made him laugh! (That surprised me.) There was always easy, ready conversation. He could dance--which made the fun twice what it could have been. And it was so easy and natural to just be relaxed and be myself!

The problem with opening that door and then closing it reminds me of exactly what I've been looking for in a relationship--and seeing that it actually exists somewhere. But there have been so few in my life where I have felt this way. And I have to grasp so tightly to the faint, usually fleeting hope that I can find this yet again with some other man--but one who will feel the same way in return. That is a very, very difficult hope to hold on to. Which is why Closing the back door hurts. But I'm only hurting myself more if I don't. The last 5 months have already proved that.