I refuse to let another boy make me cry!
At least tonight.
Or, well, by tomorrow morning.
So out of the blue--where in the world did that come from?!?
I haven't felt my heart hurt this badly since Back Door Boy left me for another--or the other--woman. And even then, this feels different. Almost like I am going to be sick.
I am so confused and shocked, all I know to do is cry.
So, ok, I am letting another boy "make me" cry.
And once it is out, I will be fine.
How appropriate--crying during a rainstorm. Thoughts of "Remember When it Rained" and "Just Let Me Cry."
Because that's how it has always worked for me in the past.
I count on that for the future. And remember all the wonderful words I heard in Conference today, so I know it is true. I am happy, even joyful, amidst this randomly where-in-the-world trial.
Showing posts with label discouragement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label discouragement. Show all posts
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Red Flags Everywhere
A guy who claimed to be LDS and even an RM. I don't get a lot of those online.
It's just sad when they say they are, and they still don't have similar values and morals as you.
We had exchanged hellos.
Got to what we do for a job.
I had to explain 3 times exactly what my job was.
That could have been a red flag, but others seem to have difficulty with my job title, so I let it go.
He was curious what I did in my job.
I mentioned the various storytimes.
Got a red flag when he thought my Sensory Storytime meant "erotic."
Of course, I explained it meant special needs. He laughed. Or wrote it out: "bwahahahaha."
Red flag number 2.
His next question: "What do you think of making out."
Another red flag. But I still answered. Said I am not a fan, especially as it got me close to being in trouble and getting hurt.
He wanted to know what I meant by trouble.
So I mentioned the recent guy.
And he wanted details.
Um...another red flag.
So I told him a couple of things the guy tried to do to me.
And he wrote out his laugh. "Bwahahahaha."
Red flag!!!!!
So I came right out and said "I'm sorry if you like making out, but I do not. Kissing means something different to me than it does to the men I am meeting. I have compromised before, and I will not do so again."
Within a few minutes, he blocked me.
Good riddance--because I was tired of seeing red!
Really? Really though?
I know there are good, worthy LDS men out there who respect women and have physical boundaries because they understand the importance of it as far as their being Priesthood holders, sons of God, and taking care of God's daughters. Please help me find them.
It's just sad when they say they are, and they still don't have similar values and morals as you.
We had exchanged hellos.
Got to what we do for a job.
I had to explain 3 times exactly what my job was.
That could have been a red flag, but others seem to have difficulty with my job title, so I let it go.
He was curious what I did in my job.
I mentioned the various storytimes.
Got a red flag when he thought my Sensory Storytime meant "erotic."
Of course, I explained it meant special needs. He laughed. Or wrote it out: "bwahahahaha."
Red flag number 2.
His next question: "What do you think of making out."
Another red flag. But I still answered. Said I am not a fan, especially as it got me close to being in trouble and getting hurt.
He wanted to know what I meant by trouble.
So I mentioned the recent guy.
And he wanted details.
Um...another red flag.
So I told him a couple of things the guy tried to do to me.
And he wrote out his laugh. "Bwahahahaha."
Red flag!!!!!
So I came right out and said "I'm sorry if you like making out, but I do not. Kissing means something different to me than it does to the men I am meeting. I have compromised before, and I will not do so again."
Within a few minutes, he blocked me.
Good riddance--because I was tired of seeing red!
Really? Really though?
I know there are good, worthy LDS men out there who respect women and have physical boundaries because they understand the importance of it as far as their being Priesthood holders, sons of God, and taking care of God's daughters. Please help me find them.
Saturday, July 23, 2016
Another and Rather Odd First For Me
6 months ago, I learned some of my barriers in dating and relationships. One of those is that I thought I was invisible to men. That I was ugly and unattractive and they didn't see or want me. This included physically as well as mentally, intellectually, and in personality. The barrier wasn't just one I put up once in my life to protect me. It was a compound over several years that made it bigger and messier and tougher to break through. Luckily, for 2+ years before I attended my Inner Goddess weekend and learned what that barrier was, I had many things (dating coach, dating books, articles, etc.) that were helping me to hack away at that barrier. By the time I got to my Goddess weekend, that barrier was crumbling. But it helped so much when I was able to give it a name, and fully get rid of it.
Well, almost fully. Once in a while I have glimpses of that barrier and I have to re-direct my thoughts and energy to something else.
So it is the greatest irony to me that in the last 6 months, one of the main troubles I am having with dating are men who are too focused on, interested in, or distracted by the physical attractions I have to offer them. Now some of the guys I meet I can tell are the kind that just "want some," and I am not flattered (though admittedly, I am still surprised). But then there are others who seem like fairly "normal" men (whatever that means), who tell me they find me attractive, and a couple whom I have allowed to act on that attraction.
I am flattered by that attraction. And still surprised. But frankly--and I never thought that I would ever be saying this: I am tired of men finding me physically attractive!
Not that I want to be unattractive. And not that I don't want a man to be physically attracted to me.
But what ever happened to men who knew how to have conversations, and to build friendships, and to have fun that didn't include the physical?! The men who didn't let their sex drive steer their entire course of dating me? What happened to the men who had and showed respect? Who would listen when I told him that it wasn't the focus I wanted in a relationship, or that there are lines that I won't cross and yet they keep trying to cross them? The ones who would take my "No" for an answer and not continue to try and jeopardize both of us? And yes, I do mean LDS men.
Before you wonder--I have not done anything to break covenants I have made with my Heavenly Father. But I am meeting men who start off being great and nice and fun who later change the relationship, to where I am suddenly just a physical object for their pleasure and they care nothing about who I am.
I still believe that there are good LDS men out there who know how to control their desires, respect the women they date, and honestly want to meet and get to know non-physically their best friend. And because I believe it, and pray for it, and seek for it, I know I will find it. And will continue to pray that the Lord will help protect me as well as make me aware of those guys whose intentions are not those that are the best for both of us.
P.S. I am not saying that physical affection is bad. But moderation and control, especially in the very beginning, is crucial or else that becomes the focus and the foundation--which is a guarantee for failure.
Well, almost fully. Once in a while I have glimpses of that barrier and I have to re-direct my thoughts and energy to something else.
So it is the greatest irony to me that in the last 6 months, one of the main troubles I am having with dating are men who are too focused on, interested in, or distracted by the physical attractions I have to offer them. Now some of the guys I meet I can tell are the kind that just "want some," and I am not flattered (though admittedly, I am still surprised). But then there are others who seem like fairly "normal" men (whatever that means), who tell me they find me attractive, and a couple whom I have allowed to act on that attraction.
I am flattered by that attraction. And still surprised. But frankly--and I never thought that I would ever be saying this: I am tired of men finding me physically attractive!
Not that I want to be unattractive. And not that I don't want a man to be physically attracted to me.
But what ever happened to men who knew how to have conversations, and to build friendships, and to have fun that didn't include the physical?! The men who didn't let their sex drive steer their entire course of dating me? What happened to the men who had and showed respect? Who would listen when I told him that it wasn't the focus I wanted in a relationship, or that there are lines that I won't cross and yet they keep trying to cross them? The ones who would take my "No" for an answer and not continue to try and jeopardize both of us? And yes, I do mean LDS men.
Before you wonder--I have not done anything to break covenants I have made with my Heavenly Father. But I am meeting men who start off being great and nice and fun who later change the relationship, to where I am suddenly just a physical object for their pleasure and they care nothing about who I am.
I still believe that there are good LDS men out there who know how to control their desires, respect the women they date, and honestly want to meet and get to know non-physically their best friend. And because I believe it, and pray for it, and seek for it, I know I will find it. And will continue to pray that the Lord will help protect me as well as make me aware of those guys whose intentions are not those that are the best for both of us.
P.S. I am not saying that physical affection is bad. But moderation and control, especially in the very beginning, is crucial or else that becomes the focus and the foundation--which is a guarantee for failure.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Rudeness Won't Get You Anywhere Either
Him: Hello there, let me introduce myself, my name is _____, how are you?
Me: Hello, _____. I am doing well, thank you. I would like to let you know that I am on here looking for active LDS men. I don't want to waste other men's time. But thank you for saying hello.
Him: You are not a waste of my time, I won't have said hello if I thought you were.
Me: Thank you, but nothing is going to happen beyond this, so I need to focus my attention and efforts elsewhere.
Him: Why wouldn't it? I never said I wasn't LDS, you probably should be less judgmental going forward.
Me: Your profile says that you are Christian, and it isn't important. I am looking for a man who puts God first because he loves to and wants to. It also says you drink socially. I don't want a man who drinks. The LDS men I am looking for love being Christian, and do not drink. That is why it would be a waste of my time, if not yours.
Him: So you want a hypocrite or a lier, good luck with that.
Me: Wow, you're a winner. Thank you for not really understanding.
Lesson learned: As soon as I receive the chat message, and I see on their profile that they do not match what I am looking for, I should block them then and there. So much for trying to be polite. So much for trying to not do what so many men on these online sites do to me. Since this should finally show me that the majority of the men on these sites are not understanding, and cannot be men and gentlemen by graciously accepting "No, thank you" as an answer.
Me: Hello, _____. I am doing well, thank you. I would like to let you know that I am on here looking for active LDS men. I don't want to waste other men's time. But thank you for saying hello.
Him: You are not a waste of my time, I won't have said hello if I thought you were.
Me: Thank you, but nothing is going to happen beyond this, so I need to focus my attention and efforts elsewhere.
Him: Why wouldn't it? I never said I wasn't LDS, you probably should be less judgmental going forward.
Me: Your profile says that you are Christian, and it isn't important. I am looking for a man who puts God first because he loves to and wants to. It also says you drink socially. I don't want a man who drinks. The LDS men I am looking for love being Christian, and do not drink. That is why it would be a waste of my time, if not yours.
Him: So you want a hypocrite or a lier, good luck with that.
Me: Wow, you're a winner. Thank you for not really understanding.
Lesson learned: As soon as I receive the chat message, and I see on their profile that they do not match what I am looking for, I should block them then and there. So much for trying to be polite. So much for trying to not do what so many men on these online sites do to me. Since this should finally show me that the majority of the men on these sites are not understanding, and cannot be men and gentlemen by graciously accepting "No, thank you" as an answer.
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Another Night of Disappointment. It will pass.
My Facebook post:
Frustrating that a heart can still break, or just be bruised, when you were fighting to protect it. Well, Tomorrow is a new day--fresh and with no mistakes. And maybe there will be a bend in the road waiting for me. #ChannelingAnne#ChannelingPollyanna
"Ah, John Harmon, you would find out!" - Our Mutual Friend
My explanation:
I am an idiot and didn't let things lie. But at least this time I will have closure that will help me heal within a day or two, rather than ghosting that will have me reeling for weeks on end.
And the best way to look at this, I suppose: if he says that he is too busy time-wise to make efforts for dating even though I said I was willing to work at it, then he is not at the same place in dating as I am.
So, moving on.
Frustrating that a heart can still break, or just be bruised, when you were fighting to protect it. Well, Tomorrow is a new day--fresh and with no mistakes. And maybe there will be a bend in the road waiting for me. #ChannelingAnne#ChannelingPollyanna
"Ah, John Harmon, you would find out!" - Our Mutual Friend
My explanation:
I am an idiot and didn't let things lie. But at least this time I will have closure that will help me heal within a day or two, rather than ghosting that will have me reeling for weeks on end.
And the best way to look at this, I suppose: if he says that he is too busy time-wise to make efforts for dating even though I said I was willing to work at it, then he is not at the same place in dating as I am.
So, moving on.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Why did I waste my time and energy?
Today's dating frustration that needs venting:
Does this guy honestly think that because he keeps telling me I am hot that suddenly I am going to change the physical boundaries I have set in a dating relationship--particularly the early stages of a dating relationship? Stages I have explained to him more than once.
I just....
I don't....
I can't even finish a sentence of a thought!!!
I don't know how to feel. I'm too "aaaaagggghhhh-eeehhhhh-aaaarrrgghh-uuuuggg" to do a Feelings Check. Unless that is the feeling. Anyone want to define that one for me?
You know what. I will just type up our text conversations from the last few days. I'll just leave it there for you to see. And then I'm going to go check in with my Inner Goddess.
(Please note that before these conversations, there had been talk on the online dating site about physical affection. Twice. He wanted a lot, admitted he could "do things"--but nothing that was sinning, and knew I was trouble for him. I told him I waited a while before I let that enter a relationship. He didn't respond for a few days, then suddenly got on and asked to chat with me through text. So the following was not the first time he broached this subject, or the first time I had answered him.)
Saturday
Him: Did you have a fun party?
Me: Yes, we had fun. It helps that she is one of my very best friends.
Him: That's great :-) you will have no trouble pleasing your husband with a wide selection of food it appears
Me: Yeah, except that spread will only happen if there is an income that can cover it!
Him: Haha. That's very good to point out :-) what are you looking for?
Me: I am looking for a socially strong and confident man who reciprocates my passion for life and its many varied joys and adventures. I like a man who converses easily where conversation flows easily to and from many various topics, and the conversing is naturally equal on both sides. I like a man who makes me feel comfortable, confident, attractive. I like him to make me laugh, it is easy to be with him, and life is fun and exciting with him. I also like him to be appropriate and respectful of the boundaries I have which are there for reasons.
Him: Wow. Very descriptive. Thanks!
Me: Well, I am asked a lot. I've also had a lot of time to think on it and had plenty of dates and experiences with men to help me figure it out.
Him: Sounds great
Him: Can I tell you something?
Me: Okay
Him: I'm very respectful. Very affectionate. Very open and honest. I love the same in return. Compliments. Massages. Kisses.
Me: Okay
Him: ?
Me: I don't know how else to respond
Him: Ok. You can disagree. I just wonder what you think.
Me: Disagree about what? Think about what? About the level of affection I want in a relationship?
Him: Yes. Just how you are. If you're affectionate. If you like being held. Kissed.
Me: My love language is physical touch. But I also am very careful about letting the physical enter a relationship too soon. Physical affection implies a much deeper connection and commitment for me than it does most of the men I meet. I compromised before, and I refuse to do it again. I also hold off because if it enters a relationship too soon, it will become the focus of a relationship. Once it is right for it to be there, I absolutely love that element.
Him: Ok. I really appreciate that. Thanks
Me: You're welcome
Him: Idk if you could ever like me
Me: And why would you think that
Him: I am a fast mover.
Me: If you were truly interested in who I am and not just what I have to offer physically, then I would think the respect you say you have would come in to play until I was ready. But you know yourself better than I do, so...yeah
Him: Ok
Me: Then I guess it is your choice of what you want to happen here
Him: It's your choice just as much as mine
Me: I've told you where I stand. It is your choice if you want to continue or not
Him: Ok.
Him: So no touch at all for how many dates usually?
Me: I don't set a number. If I feel a connection I may hold hands as soon as a first date. I would enjoy hugs, and arms around each other and such. But I do not kiss until we're exclusive.
Him: Good to know
Sunday
Him: Good morning beautiful
Me: Thank you, and good afternoon to you!
Him: Thank you :-)
Monday
Him: Hey how was your day?
Me: Not bad. A/C was broken at work, but it was first night of musical practice and that made up for the long, hot day
Him: Oh that makes a long day
Me: Yes indeed. How was yours?
Him: Pretty good thanks! Want a pic of me this morning?
Me: I don't know--do I?
Him: Yes I think?
Me: Very well
Sends pic
Me: You look surprised that you are going to work.
Him: Haha :-)
Him: Can I have one of you please?
Me: Well, the most recent I have is from a few weeks ago.
I send picture
Him: Hottie
Me: Thank you
Him: Sure. I'd prob end up playing with your hair
Me: That only bothers me if I took a lot of time to fix it, or I need it to be presentable later
Him: Do you like it?
Me: Having my hair played with?
Him: Yes
Me: Well, yes, except for the two scenarios previously stated
Him: Ok. I'm highly physical.
Me: Yeah. I got that.
Him: And you're not?
Me: We've kind of already had this discussion.
Him: Ok
Wednesday (tonight)
Him: You are in trouble
Me: And why is that?
Him: Cuz lol
Me: Ok....
Him: I think you're hot
Me: Ok
Me: Thank you
Him: I don't think you can handle me
Me: I think we have had this discussion before, too.
Him: Do you want to meet?
Me: Ok. When is a good time for you?
Him: Remind me again where you live?
Me: I am in ______. But I didn't mean when tonight. I meant when in the next 3 weeks.
Him: You schedule 3 weeks in advance?
Me: I know I have a lot of things scheduled in the next 3 weeks, so us finding mutual time to meet could take that long
Him: Ok
(Half hour later--because honestly I wanted to get this over with. I had no desire to meet with him from the moment he started texting me. But I figured one date is one date. Let's schedule it and get it over with. Maybe I'll be wrong in person. I don't know. But this constant and repeated stream of conversation was about to drive me crazy.)
Me: So you don't want to meet some time then?
Him: I do. But need to know when
Me: That is why I asked you when you were available
Him: Ok. I'll let you know.
Me: Ok. Just head's up, things fill up fast as time goes on because of work, class, and now rehearsals, so don't wait too long or the availability will be even further into the future.
Him: Ok. So not available for at least 3 weeks?
Me: Right now I think I have a couple days open within the next 3 weeks. If you wait the 3 weeks, I can guarantee July will be filling up as those weeks go by.
Him: lol what days are those??
Me: I don't have my calendar with me. I can find it after class. But it will be easier if you tell me your availability
(Hour later)
Me: Ok. This Friday just got booked up. So my next available times are the evenings of june 24th and possibly the 25th.
Him: Wow
Me: People don't seem to believe me when I tell them this is my busiest time of year....
Him: It's fine. I'd be very handsy with you.
Me: Then it doesn't look like we will be meeting. Thank you anyway for your interests and compliments. Good luck in your searching.
Him: That easy of a decision. Ok
Me: I have told you more than once how I feel about physical touch too soon in a relationship and you seem to like to ignore it. I prefer a man who will respect me
Him: Ok. I will leave you alone then
Me: Thank you
I know I am not the perfect example of how to handle situations and conversations and such. I am a work in progress with SO much to learn. So I am not trying to put myself as the person in the right. I probably could have been more open, etc. But I'll be honest that this guy 99% put me off because every conversation we had turned to the physical and how he really liked that, and really wanted that, and was interested in me. I don't think I ever had much interest in him. Maybe I was hoping he wouldn't be all like that. Or maybe I am so desperate to be getting dates so I can be having the experiences and getting the practice from dates and conversation and discovering/realizing/reaffirming the traits I am looking for in my best friend.
Maybe I should have ended this at the 1st red flag on the site when he first told me I was hot, and that I would be trouble for him. Or at the 2nd red flag when he bragged about his talent for doing dirty things that were not breaking any commandments.
OK. Here is the feelings check re-visted:
I don't understand this game.
I don't get this game.
I keep failing at playing this game--thinking I know the rules or the safety precautions, but constantly being bombarded and second-guessing what I knew, or thought I knew, and not sure of even WHAT I know.
I hate this game.
I want this game to be over!!!
Excuse me while I go talk things over with my Inner Goddess, and my Heavenly Father.
Does this guy honestly think that because he keeps telling me I am hot that suddenly I am going to change the physical boundaries I have set in a dating relationship--particularly the early stages of a dating relationship? Stages I have explained to him more than once.
I just....
I don't....
I can't even finish a sentence of a thought!!!
I don't know how to feel. I'm too "aaaaagggghhhh-eeehhhhh-aaaarrrgghh-uuuuggg" to do a Feelings Check. Unless that is the feeling. Anyone want to define that one for me?
You know what. I will just type up our text conversations from the last few days. I'll just leave it there for you to see. And then I'm going to go check in with my Inner Goddess.
(Please note that before these conversations, there had been talk on the online dating site about physical affection. Twice. He wanted a lot, admitted he could "do things"--but nothing that was sinning, and knew I was trouble for him. I told him I waited a while before I let that enter a relationship. He didn't respond for a few days, then suddenly got on and asked to chat with me through text. So the following was not the first time he broached this subject, or the first time I had answered him.)
Saturday
Him: Did you have a fun party?
Me: Yes, we had fun. It helps that she is one of my very best friends.
Him: That's great :-) you will have no trouble pleasing your husband with a wide selection of food it appears
Me: Yeah, except that spread will only happen if there is an income that can cover it!
Him: Haha. That's very good to point out :-) what are you looking for?
Me: I am looking for a socially strong and confident man who reciprocates my passion for life and its many varied joys and adventures. I like a man who converses easily where conversation flows easily to and from many various topics, and the conversing is naturally equal on both sides. I like a man who makes me feel comfortable, confident, attractive. I like him to make me laugh, it is easy to be with him, and life is fun and exciting with him. I also like him to be appropriate and respectful of the boundaries I have which are there for reasons.
Him: Wow. Very descriptive. Thanks!
Me: Well, I am asked a lot. I've also had a lot of time to think on it and had plenty of dates and experiences with men to help me figure it out.
Him: Sounds great
Him: Can I tell you something?
Me: Okay
Him: I'm very respectful. Very affectionate. Very open and honest. I love the same in return. Compliments. Massages. Kisses.
Me: Okay
Him: ?
Me: I don't know how else to respond
Him: Ok. You can disagree. I just wonder what you think.
Me: Disagree about what? Think about what? About the level of affection I want in a relationship?
Him: Yes. Just how you are. If you're affectionate. If you like being held. Kissed.
Me: My love language is physical touch. But I also am very careful about letting the physical enter a relationship too soon. Physical affection implies a much deeper connection and commitment for me than it does most of the men I meet. I compromised before, and I refuse to do it again. I also hold off because if it enters a relationship too soon, it will become the focus of a relationship. Once it is right for it to be there, I absolutely love that element.
Him: Ok. I really appreciate that. Thanks
Me: You're welcome
Him: Idk if you could ever like me
Me: And why would you think that
Him: I am a fast mover.
Me: If you were truly interested in who I am and not just what I have to offer physically, then I would think the respect you say you have would come in to play until I was ready. But you know yourself better than I do, so...yeah
Him: Ok
Me: Then I guess it is your choice of what you want to happen here
Him: It's your choice just as much as mine
Me: I've told you where I stand. It is your choice if you want to continue or not
Him: Ok.
Him: So no touch at all for how many dates usually?
Me: I don't set a number. If I feel a connection I may hold hands as soon as a first date. I would enjoy hugs, and arms around each other and such. But I do not kiss until we're exclusive.
Him: Good to know
Sunday
Him: Good morning beautiful
Me: Thank you, and good afternoon to you!
Him: Thank you :-)
Monday
Him: Hey how was your day?
Me: Not bad. A/C was broken at work, but it was first night of musical practice and that made up for the long, hot day
Him: Oh that makes a long day
Me: Yes indeed. How was yours?
Him: Pretty good thanks! Want a pic of me this morning?
Me: I don't know--do I?
Him: Yes I think?
Me: Very well
Sends pic
Me: You look surprised that you are going to work.
Him: Haha :-)
Him: Can I have one of you please?
Me: Well, the most recent I have is from a few weeks ago.
I send picture
Him: Hottie
Me: Thank you
Him: Sure. I'd prob end up playing with your hair
Me: That only bothers me if I took a lot of time to fix it, or I need it to be presentable later
Him: Do you like it?
Me: Having my hair played with?
Him: Yes
Me: Well, yes, except for the two scenarios previously stated
Him: Ok. I'm highly physical.
Me: Yeah. I got that.
Him: And you're not?
Me: We've kind of already had this discussion.
Him: Ok
Wednesday (tonight)
Him: You are in trouble
Me: And why is that?
Him: Cuz lol
Me: Ok....
Him: I think you're hot
Me: Ok
Me: Thank you
Him: I don't think you can handle me
Me: I think we have had this discussion before, too.
Him: Do you want to meet?
Me: Ok. When is a good time for you?
Him: Remind me again where you live?
Me: I am in ______. But I didn't mean when tonight. I meant when in the next 3 weeks.
Him: You schedule 3 weeks in advance?
Me: I know I have a lot of things scheduled in the next 3 weeks, so us finding mutual time to meet could take that long
Him: Ok
(Half hour later--because honestly I wanted to get this over with. I had no desire to meet with him from the moment he started texting me. But I figured one date is one date. Let's schedule it and get it over with. Maybe I'll be wrong in person. I don't know. But this constant and repeated stream of conversation was about to drive me crazy.)
Me: So you don't want to meet some time then?
Him: I do. But need to know when
Me: That is why I asked you when you were available
Him: Ok. I'll let you know.
Me: Ok. Just head's up, things fill up fast as time goes on because of work, class, and now rehearsals, so don't wait too long or the availability will be even further into the future.
Him: Ok. So not available for at least 3 weeks?
Me: Right now I think I have a couple days open within the next 3 weeks. If you wait the 3 weeks, I can guarantee July will be filling up as those weeks go by.
Him: lol what days are those??
Me: I don't have my calendar with me. I can find it after class. But it will be easier if you tell me your availability
(Hour later)
Me: Ok. This Friday just got booked up. So my next available times are the evenings of june 24th and possibly the 25th.
Him: Wow
Me: People don't seem to believe me when I tell them this is my busiest time of year....
Him: It's fine. I'd be very handsy with you.
Me: Then it doesn't look like we will be meeting. Thank you anyway for your interests and compliments. Good luck in your searching.
Him: That easy of a decision. Ok
Me: I have told you more than once how I feel about physical touch too soon in a relationship and you seem to like to ignore it. I prefer a man who will respect me
Him: Ok. I will leave you alone then
Me: Thank you
I know I am not the perfect example of how to handle situations and conversations and such. I am a work in progress with SO much to learn. So I am not trying to put myself as the person in the right. I probably could have been more open, etc. But I'll be honest that this guy 99% put me off because every conversation we had turned to the physical and how he really liked that, and really wanted that, and was interested in me. I don't think I ever had much interest in him. Maybe I was hoping he wouldn't be all like that. Or maybe I am so desperate to be getting dates so I can be having the experiences and getting the practice from dates and conversation and discovering/realizing/reaffirming the traits I am looking for in my best friend.
Maybe I should have ended this at the 1st red flag on the site when he first told me I was hot, and that I would be trouble for him. Or at the 2nd red flag when he bragged about his talent for doing dirty things that were not breaking any commandments.
OK. Here is the feelings check re-visted:
I don't understand this game.
I don't get this game.
I keep failing at playing this game--thinking I know the rules or the safety precautions, but constantly being bombarded and second-guessing what I knew, or thought I knew, and not sure of even WHAT I know.
I hate this game.
I want this game to be over!!!
Excuse me while I go talk things over with my Inner Goddess, and my Heavenly Father.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Feast or Famine: Beware Upset Stomachs
So much can happen in only a few weeks. The two dates that weekend ended up escalating to 4, though only 3 happened because one made up some excuse to get out of ours.
The canceled date said we would reschedule and never heard from him again. I'm not entirely disappointed, as he was already being very demanding in our text/chat portion of the relationship, before we'd even met.
The Saturday date I believe forgot about it, but showed up 45 minutes late. At least he showed up.
The initial Skype date that had to be postponed twice turned out nicely. Good conversation. Some texting in the following 2 weeks, in which we set up another Skype date. He didn't show up for it. And I never heard from him again. That was a confusing Ghosting experience, but oh well.
The second Skype date was painful. I had to initiate all conversation and try to keep them going. No surprise, no second date after that.
But during the course of the 4 technically 3 dates in a weekend, I met another man online. For me, there was an immediate connection. Probably because this guy knew how to carry on a conversation--even in writing! We scheduled our first date; then I didn't hear much from him after. I wondered if he'd lost interest. (Learned later that yeah, basically he had.) But we still want on our date and there was a huge connection and a lot of chemistry.
That was the 1st of 5 dates within 3 weeks. He was dragging his feet about the idea of us being exclusive. I believe he thought about it, but he just wasn't there. So it rather surprised and, yes really hurt, that on Monday morning he called me to tell me that he decided to be exclusive with another woman whom he hadn't even been dating (they were friends with a long background; that doesn't equate to dating--read Elder Oaks.).
The main thing that hurts, is the reasons he ended us. If we had ended ourselves because of differences we couldn't work around or didn't want to work around, fine. But this feels like it is trying to re-enforce one of the fears I have been trying to fight most of my life: that I am not the kind of girl any guy is looking for, and that he will always find someone else and go for her rather than me. (Deeper explanation given here.) In the past, most guys just went for the other girls without giving me a chance. This is the first time that a guy showed interest, and told me I am beautiful and amazing and that he really enjoyed being with me, and still chose another girl--two days after our last date, only hours after us texting about when we'd be able to see each other next.
So, yep, I'm in pain from that. But I'm OK with the relationship ending. And the residual pain/anger is fading and will soon be gone. I'm still putting Goddess lessons in to practice. This included what I have started calling my letter therapy. And I've closed the back door and am continuing onward. I am reviewing my Goddess Journal, and my love magnetizing mantras. And, mostly, I'm just moving on with my life and remembering all the things I love about me as well as my life. Because I am worth it to someone, somewhere, whose head won't be turned by another woman. It will happen. I believe it.
I have learned and gained much in the last 5 weeks. I can't believe it has only been 5 weeks! Looking forward to all the more things I have to gain. Thus, on y va!!
The canceled date said we would reschedule and never heard from him again. I'm not entirely disappointed, as he was already being very demanding in our text/chat portion of the relationship, before we'd even met.
The Saturday date I believe forgot about it, but showed up 45 minutes late. At least he showed up.
The initial Skype date that had to be postponed twice turned out nicely. Good conversation. Some texting in the following 2 weeks, in which we set up another Skype date. He didn't show up for it. And I never heard from him again. That was a confusing Ghosting experience, but oh well.
The second Skype date was painful. I had to initiate all conversation and try to keep them going. No surprise, no second date after that.
But during the course of the 4 technically 3 dates in a weekend, I met another man online. For me, there was an immediate connection. Probably because this guy knew how to carry on a conversation--even in writing! We scheduled our first date; then I didn't hear much from him after. I wondered if he'd lost interest. (Learned later that yeah, basically he had.) But we still want on our date and there was a huge connection and a lot of chemistry.
That was the 1st of 5 dates within 3 weeks. He was dragging his feet about the idea of us being exclusive. I believe he thought about it, but he just wasn't there. So it rather surprised and, yes really hurt, that on Monday morning he called me to tell me that he decided to be exclusive with another woman whom he hadn't even been dating (they were friends with a long background; that doesn't equate to dating--read Elder Oaks.).
The main thing that hurts, is the reasons he ended us. If we had ended ourselves because of differences we couldn't work around or didn't want to work around, fine. But this feels like it is trying to re-enforce one of the fears I have been trying to fight most of my life: that I am not the kind of girl any guy is looking for, and that he will always find someone else and go for her rather than me. (Deeper explanation given here.) In the past, most guys just went for the other girls without giving me a chance. This is the first time that a guy showed interest, and told me I am beautiful and amazing and that he really enjoyed being with me, and still chose another girl--two days after our last date, only hours after us texting about when we'd be able to see each other next.
So, yep, I'm in pain from that. But I'm OK with the relationship ending. And the residual pain/anger is fading and will soon be gone. I'm still putting Goddess lessons in to practice. This included what I have started calling my letter therapy. And I've closed the back door and am continuing onward. I am reviewing my Goddess Journal, and my love magnetizing mantras. And, mostly, I'm just moving on with my life and remembering all the things I love about me as well as my life. Because I am worth it to someone, somewhere, whose head won't be turned by another woman. It will happen. I believe it.
I have learned and gained much in the last 5 weeks. I can't believe it has only been 5 weeks! Looking forward to all the more things I have to gain. Thus, on y va!!
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Oh. My. Word.
That moment when you realize the guy you met online a couple of days ago and have been chatting with is actually a guy who asked you on a date 4 years ago, to which you said yes, and then he never followed through.
.......
.............
........................
And no, I'm not giving him a second chance for that date. I already know it would not be an enjoyable experience and we are most certainly not compatible. I have witnesses who can confirm.
This just reinforces the post I wrote not even 2 hours ago.
.......
.............
........................
And no, I'm not giving him a second chance for that date. I already know it would not be an enjoyable experience and we are most certainly not compatible. I have witnesses who can confirm.
This just reinforces the post I wrote not even 2 hours ago.
Losing Hope
Then there are the times, much more frequent over the last few months than ever before, when I am completely done with the whole dating thing. I've managed so far to live just fine on my own. While I know I need and want a man at my side, these are the times when the idea of all the work involved to merge our two lives together seems like such a hassle. Especially considering how much of a hassle the dating part right now is. I lose hope that any man I am attracted to (in all the ways) will be attracted to me. That no man will want me at his side as he seeks for and then pursues his Quest. Checking out from the game seems the most appealing option. Much less stress, much less roller coaster of emotions. But checking out has caused so much singleness in my life already. And it isn't putting my faith in God and His timing, nor giving my all in effort to prove myself worthy of such a great gift and blessing as my best friend.
But where is--or what is--the fine line of "Stop thinking about it and it will just happen" and "I'm done with this?"
But where is--or what is--the fine line of "Stop thinking about it and it will just happen" and "I'm done with this?"
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Lean On..._______?
Being single, I have had to find my own independence. While that has made me strong and able to live not just on my own, but live well on my own, that doesn't mean it is what I want or need. Because guess what? I need a man. I need my husband, or my castle as my Wife class has made analogy to. Many may say it is unfeminine and/or demeaning my own gender to say so, but I heartily disagree.
Why? Because I was not meant to do all of this on my own. I was meant to have an equal partner--a man to help support me and me to support him.
For us to work together in making our dreams come true and to have someone to rely and lean on when times are rough for one or both of us.
And though I'm doing a fairly decent job of living on my own and making it on my own, I inevitably reach times like right now. When I'm ready to fall over because I cannot take any more. I'm exhausted from bearing it all alone. And I have no one to lean on. No one to help me carry that load. No one to hold me while I cry and try to find my strength again. It is not the only reason I would like my husband, my castle with me now, but oh my it sure stands out to me when I reach these moments.
Where is the man who will let me put my head on his shoulder because it is too heavy to remember all it needs to do.
To hold me up because my back cannot bear the burdens any more.
To wipe away the tears.
To let me know in his every action that all will one day be well again--and that I can make it through anything because he is at my side.
And where is the man who will give me my greatest desire and purpose in this life--to do and be all of those things for him when he needs it?
Times like now can be rough. So instead I'll try to make myself feel better by watching fictional couples live what I long for. :-) And by relying on my Savior. Though He cannot help me as my husband one day will, He will continue to give me emotional and spiritual peace and reassurance and I'll continue on continuing on as I have all the other times.
*This post brought to you by my love of period dramas, British shows, and admiration of fictional couples.
Why? Because I was not meant to do all of this on my own. I was meant to have an equal partner--a man to help support me and me to support him.
And though I'm doing a fairly decent job of living on my own and making it on my own, I inevitably reach times like right now. When I'm ready to fall over because I cannot take any more. I'm exhausted from bearing it all alone. And I have no one to lean on. No one to help me carry that load. No one to hold me while I cry and try to find my strength again. It is not the only reason I would like my husband, my castle with me now, but oh my it sure stands out to me when I reach these moments.
Where is the man who will let me put my head on his shoulder because it is too heavy to remember all it needs to do.
To hold me up because my back cannot bear the burdens any more.
To wipe away the tears.
To let me know in his every action that all will one day be well again--and that I can make it through anything because he is at my side.
And where is the man who will give me my greatest desire and purpose in this life--to do and be all of those things for him when he needs it?
Times like now can be rough. So instead I'll try to make myself feel better by watching fictional couples live what I long for. :-) And by relying on my Savior. Though He cannot help me as my husband one day will, He will continue to give me emotional and spiritual peace and reassurance and I'll continue on continuing on as I have all the other times.
*This post brought to you by my love of period dramas, British shows, and admiration of fictional couples.
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