Today I still have
My mom and dad
My beloved sister
My brothers
My amazing in-laws
My "niephews"
My home
My job
My patrons who love me
My co-workers who love and support me
My neighbors and ward members
My testimony
My health
My car
My legs and feet
My arms and hands
My hair (yes, I'm going to put that in there :-) )
My eyes
My friends and very best friends
My aunts, uncles, and cousins
My blogs
My games
My Happy Now list
My memories
My love
My heart
My beliefs
My freedoms
My voice
My Church leaders
My tissues
My books
My blankets
My joy
My ability to serve
My temple recommend
My smile
My sense of humor
My food
My sense of security
My experiences
My desires
My Lord's Gospel
My scriptures
My journals
My gift of the Holy Ghost
My Redeemer
My Heavenly Father
My future
Today, I am overwhelmed.
Today I am mourning.
Today I am tired.
Today I am crying.
But
Today, I am grateful.
Today, I am fortunate.
Today, I am blessed.
Showing posts with label Reflections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reflections. Show all posts
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Getting to the Bottom of It
I had to do some personal pondering, reflections, and feelings checks after my "out of the blue" heartbreak on Sunday. Because it couldn't have been out of the blue. Something led to something somehow. Thus I thought about it. And when the realization dawned on me, I literally sat for a full 5 minutes at work with my mouth hanging open. (Thank goodness I was back in the office!)
It came to me that, yet again, I am being passed over for some other woman. The background details of that fact are ironic and ridiculous and embarrassing and most especially surprising. So I'm not getting into that. But the point is that is my biggest barrier, my biggest fear is that I am unwanted by men. That men see me and decide to go for other women. Granted, hopefully that is what generally happens, or else I would be in a lot of trouble! What I mean is that I felt no man would ever look at me, because they would always find someone else more attractive, desirable, etc. than me.
At our Inner Goddess weekend, we learned that our barriers were things built over time for one reason or another. And in my pondering, I was able to remember the very first time this happened in my life. The most profound one. Because really, having men 5 years older than me pursue women 5 years older than me when I was still a teenager--that wasn't a real rejection. Nor were the boys that I crushed over secretly who never went for me. But that first time. The first real rejection I ever had. He was such a great friend, and I had so many feelings beyond that. I thought he did, too. Lots of people thought he did. But we were all wrong. It shocked us all when we figured out that he liked another girl. My heart dropped when I learned, and led to me lying on the floor in a dark room for 1/2 an hour, crying my eyes out. Yeah, I was an emotional teenager. (Yes, I'm still emotional as an adult, but I've really tried to curb it!)
That of course was not my only rejection. I had many afterwards. But this was my first. It was eye-opening for me to realize that that was the very first instance. But what had my heart and stomach dropping on Sunday? I am being passed over by the same guy. Honestly, I can't blame him. He really hasn't a clue. It happened before I was able to tell him anything. Yet the irony and that deep-seated fear came whirling so fast at me as I saw it all unfolding all over again. Yet it was even deeper because it's what had "started it all." And that's why I was caught so off guard.
I'm moving along with it. While also dealing with my health issues and being overly-stressed and tired at work. All 3 together are making for a terrible cocktail of emotions. But I'm glad I have been able to trace all 3 things to their sources, and can deal with each one accordingly. That was more than half the battle right there.
And now I'm closing the back door, without even bothering to ask questions. I'm just going to shut it. And I will protect myself from letting that person in anywhere. I will be better, wiser, and more cautious.
All will be well.
It came to me that, yet again, I am being passed over for some other woman. The background details of that fact are ironic and ridiculous and embarrassing and most especially surprising. So I'm not getting into that. But the point is that is my biggest barrier, my biggest fear is that I am unwanted by men. That men see me and decide to go for other women. Granted, hopefully that is what generally happens, or else I would be in a lot of trouble! What I mean is that I felt no man would ever look at me, because they would always find someone else more attractive, desirable, etc. than me.
At our Inner Goddess weekend, we learned that our barriers were things built over time for one reason or another. And in my pondering, I was able to remember the very first time this happened in my life. The most profound one. Because really, having men 5 years older than me pursue women 5 years older than me when I was still a teenager--that wasn't a real rejection. Nor were the boys that I crushed over secretly who never went for me. But that first time. The first real rejection I ever had. He was such a great friend, and I had so many feelings beyond that. I thought he did, too. Lots of people thought he did. But we were all wrong. It shocked us all when we figured out that he liked another girl. My heart dropped when I learned, and led to me lying on the floor in a dark room for 1/2 an hour, crying my eyes out. Yeah, I was an emotional teenager. (Yes, I'm still emotional as an adult, but I've really tried to curb it!)
That of course was not my only rejection. I had many afterwards. But this was my first. It was eye-opening for me to realize that that was the very first instance. But what had my heart and stomach dropping on Sunday? I am being passed over by the same guy. Honestly, I can't blame him. He really hasn't a clue. It happened before I was able to tell him anything. Yet the irony and that deep-seated fear came whirling so fast at me as I saw it all unfolding all over again. Yet it was even deeper because it's what had "started it all." And that's why I was caught so off guard.
I'm moving along with it. While also dealing with my health issues and being overly-stressed and tired at work. All 3 together are making for a terrible cocktail of emotions. But I'm glad I have been able to trace all 3 things to their sources, and can deal with each one accordingly. That was more than half the battle right there.
And now I'm closing the back door, without even bothering to ask questions. I'm just going to shut it. And I will protect myself from letting that person in anywhere. I will be better, wiser, and more cautious.
All will be well.
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
34 Reasons Why I am A Great Choice for a(n active LDS) Man to Marry
So, last year I wrote a slightly facetious post about 33 reasons why I might still be single at 33. Well, now I'm 34. And I honestly cannot believe how much has changed in just a year, especially in regards to social life, dating, and relationships. There were extremely tough times, which led to my recent #34Before34 challenge to keep my mind off the tough times. But there has been so much amazing and wonderful in this last year, too! All because of my Unleash Your Inner Goddess seminar, lessons, training (whatever else you want to call it all). I look over last year's list and now can see many flaws in it, no matter how facetious some of them may have been.
Thus it came to my mind that I should write a more positive list this year. Maybe it will come across as full of myself. But considering what my fears and barriers in dating have been (that I am invisible to men, or that I am 2nd choice, last choice, or no choice at all), I think this is a wise endeavor--though a really tough one! (Addendum: it took me a whole day to write this post.)
And so, may I present to you
Thus it came to my mind that I should write a more positive list this year. Maybe it will come across as full of myself. But considering what my fears and barriers in dating have been (that I am invisible to men, or that I am 2nd choice, last choice, or no choice at all), I think this is a wise endeavor--though a really tough one! (Addendum: it took me a whole day to write this post.)
And so, may I present to you
34 Reasons Why I am A Great Choice for a(n active LDS) Man to Marry
1. I am active LDS, because I want to be and I love to be.
2. I have a testimony of the Gospel and its principles, especially of the Atonement.
3. I love the temple, and actually go there to serve. :-)
4. I have an odd sense of humor. Guaranteed to make somebody laugh.
5. I know enough cooking and baking that we wouldn't starve. He might even enjoy it. ;-) (And I promise not to feed him any of my random meals unless he actually wants one.)
6. I'm actually pleasant to look at, when my face chooses to cooperate.
7. I can sing fairly well, and adore doing so--free entertainment, though generally in the musical genres of my choice. I'll also be able to sing lullabies to our children, and to him if he wishes.
8. I love to dance, even if I'm not good at it. Fun, simple, even cheap to no cost activity choices there--whether at an event or just at home.
9. I like to clean. I like to live in a place that is clean. So I will make sure that place we will live in is clean, and have an enjoyable time making it so.
10. I have some fabulous hair he can play with. Just so long as he knows it takes some effort to keep my hair as healthy as it is, and that sometimes that hair gets cut for donations as well as healthiness and upkeep.
11. I have a very strong and healthy sex drive. ;-)
12. And guess what? As someone who has never been married, I have still maintained my values and standards and kept myself chaste for the man I will marry. Don't discredit me as some men have because I am "inexperienced." Value me because I had the strength and courage to fight for my virtue and purity all these years, especially with that strong and healthy sex drive.
13. I love to read. Free entertainment, easy gift choices, and endless possibilities of intelligent, interesting conversation topics.
14. I love teaching. I will enjoy teaching our children the Gospel, early literacy skills, how to have fun, and so much more. I'll especially love having him as my partner to teach these things.
15. I love children and I want children.
16. I try to keep the Gospel and the Spirit in my home as much as possible. I make my home a refuge from the world.
17. I know and love the scriptures, and love to keep learning from them.
18. I sustain and follow my Church leaders.
19. I honor and respect the Priesthood, and those worthy men who hold it and exercise its keys in righteousness.
20. I absolutely love life. With its ups and downs, its bright spots and dark ones, its highs and lows, its Gethsemanes and Liberty Jails as well as its Nauvoos and Promised Lands. "Come what may, and love it." Pollyanna Positive Points in everything.
21. I own a house. Yes. He may have one, too. Details that can be worked out later. But I have an absolutely adorable house that mirrors my personality. Would give anything to share that with him, but if that is not in our plan, so be it. So long as he knows I have spent a few years learning how to budget for and take care of a house, and have developed a few skills and know-how along the way with that.
22. I am single at 34, still active in the Church, still believing in, hoping for, and working for an eternal marriage to my best friend. Why and how do I still believe, hope, and work? Because I trust in the Lord. I know He knows what is best for me. I know His timing is the best, and I trust in that, too.
23. That previous one? It's tied to patience, too. Not always my strongest virtue, but wow I have had a long time to work on developing it! I think I'm doing a fairly decent job at times with that.
24. I am not afraid of the task, challenge, work ahead of us in a marriage, because I am ready to give it my all, I trust that he will give it his all, and the two of us will always be sure that Heavenly Father is a part of our marriage, and it is Him we are trying to ever grow closer to.
25. I like to give neck and shoulder massages, and hand massages. And head massages. Possibly could do foot and back--just haven't had the opportunity (or inclination) to do those. Basically, I like to make others comfortable and help them relax. I can't imagine too many men who would not like some kind of service like this once in a while.
26. I have been reading and studying all kinds of topics that help in any kind of relationship, but with dating and marital relationships specifically in mind. I am even enrolled in a wife class. Why? Because I want to fill my arsenal with every tool I can to make our marriage successful. I don't want to just try at this marriage thing. I want to succeed in it and have a fabulously wonderful, fun, uplifting, engaging, growing time as we do so.
27. I know how to relax and have a good time. I am not all business. I am not all seriousness. Sometimes I like to go out for a good time. Sometimes I like to stay in. I enjoy an occasional lazy moment (or day). I like to eat junk food here and there. I like to sleep in or take a nap. I like to take it slow once in a while.
28. Along with the previous, I also enjoy exercising, eating healthy things, and trying to keep fit at a healthy, not obsessive level. I won't be a couch potato. But I won't be a health nut either. I am balanced in the middle and find peace, comfort, and happiness at that balance.
29. Mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, social, and physical knowledge and health are important to me.
30. I love my Savior.
31. I love my Heavenly Father.
32. I love my family and work to maintain those relationships, in spite of occasional opposition.
33. I love myself, even if I may at times struggle with some self-esteem issues, or personal doubts, or fighting the natural man, or whatever else may lie in my path. I have spent my lifetime getting to know who I am, developing who I am (which will always be a work in progress), and loving who I am. My Father and my Savior help me in that love. Because I have been able to come to love me, I am ready for a wonderful man to come to love me, too.
34. I am ready to face, meet, challenge, discover, and embrace the world with that man. Now.
7. I can sing fairly well, and adore doing so--free entertainment, though generally in the musical genres of my choice. I'll also be able to sing lullabies to our children, and to him if he wishes.
8. I love to dance, even if I'm not good at it. Fun, simple, even cheap to no cost activity choices there--whether at an event or just at home.
9. I like to clean. I like to live in a place that is clean. So I will make sure that place we will live in is clean, and have an enjoyable time making it so.
10. I have some fabulous hair he can play with. Just so long as he knows it takes some effort to keep my hair as healthy as it is, and that sometimes that hair gets cut for donations as well as healthiness and upkeep.
11. I have a very strong and healthy sex drive. ;-)
12. And guess what? As someone who has never been married, I have still maintained my values and standards and kept myself chaste for the man I will marry. Don't discredit me as some men have because I am "inexperienced." Value me because I had the strength and courage to fight for my virtue and purity all these years, especially with that strong and healthy sex drive.
13. I love to read. Free entertainment, easy gift choices, and endless possibilities of intelligent, interesting conversation topics.
14. I love teaching. I will enjoy teaching our children the Gospel, early literacy skills, how to have fun, and so much more. I'll especially love having him as my partner to teach these things.
15. I love children and I want children.
16. I try to keep the Gospel and the Spirit in my home as much as possible. I make my home a refuge from the world.
17. I know and love the scriptures, and love to keep learning from them.
18. I sustain and follow my Church leaders.
19. I honor and respect the Priesthood, and those worthy men who hold it and exercise its keys in righteousness.
20. I absolutely love life. With its ups and downs, its bright spots and dark ones, its highs and lows, its Gethsemanes and Liberty Jails as well as its Nauvoos and Promised Lands. "Come what may, and love it." Pollyanna Positive Points in everything.
21. I own a house. Yes. He may have one, too. Details that can be worked out later. But I have an absolutely adorable house that mirrors my personality. Would give anything to share that with him, but if that is not in our plan, so be it. So long as he knows I have spent a few years learning how to budget for and take care of a house, and have developed a few skills and know-how along the way with that.
22. I am single at 34, still active in the Church, still believing in, hoping for, and working for an eternal marriage to my best friend. Why and how do I still believe, hope, and work? Because I trust in the Lord. I know He knows what is best for me. I know His timing is the best, and I trust in that, too.
23. That previous one? It's tied to patience, too. Not always my strongest virtue, but wow I have had a long time to work on developing it! I think I'm doing a fairly decent job at times with that.
24. I am not afraid of the task, challenge, work ahead of us in a marriage, because I am ready to give it my all, I trust that he will give it his all, and the two of us will always be sure that Heavenly Father is a part of our marriage, and it is Him we are trying to ever grow closer to.
25. I like to give neck and shoulder massages, and hand massages. And head massages. Possibly could do foot and back--just haven't had the opportunity (or inclination) to do those. Basically, I like to make others comfortable and help them relax. I can't imagine too many men who would not like some kind of service like this once in a while.
26. I have been reading and studying all kinds of topics that help in any kind of relationship, but with dating and marital relationships specifically in mind. I am even enrolled in a wife class. Why? Because I want to fill my arsenal with every tool I can to make our marriage successful. I don't want to just try at this marriage thing. I want to succeed in it and have a fabulously wonderful, fun, uplifting, engaging, growing time as we do so.
27. I know how to relax and have a good time. I am not all business. I am not all seriousness. Sometimes I like to go out for a good time. Sometimes I like to stay in. I enjoy an occasional lazy moment (or day). I like to eat junk food here and there. I like to sleep in or take a nap. I like to take it slow once in a while.
28. Along with the previous, I also enjoy exercising, eating healthy things, and trying to keep fit at a healthy, not obsessive level. I won't be a couch potato. But I won't be a health nut either. I am balanced in the middle and find peace, comfort, and happiness at that balance.
29. Mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, social, and physical knowledge and health are important to me.
30. I love my Savior.
31. I love my Heavenly Father.
32. I love my family and work to maintain those relationships, in spite of occasional opposition.
33. I love myself, even if I may at times struggle with some self-esteem issues, or personal doubts, or fighting the natural man, or whatever else may lie in my path. I have spent my lifetime getting to know who I am, developing who I am (which will always be a work in progress), and loving who I am. My Father and my Savior help me in that love. Because I have been able to come to love me, I am ready for a wonderful man to come to love me, too.
34. I am ready to face, meet, challenge, discover, and embrace the world with that man. Now.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Both genders: Please read
This.
#4, #5, and #6 from the girl is most especially pertinent from me from my experiences over the last 10 days.
#4, #5, and #6 from the girl is most especially pertinent from me from my experiences over the last 10 days.
Monday, May 9, 2016
Driven Forth Before the Wind
My most recent experiences and lessons in the dating world--a culmination of last week's events, anyway-- are related to disappointment and unmet expectations. I know all about how you should not have expectations, because the majority of disappointment, frustration, etc. in relationships are when someone creates expectations...which inevitably do not get met.
I didn't realize that I was creating the expectations, and therein lay the problem. I was just loving what I was discovering, and somehow formed something in my mind which I absolutely loved and desired. That wasn't necessarily the problem. It was that somewhere in there I also created an expectation that what I was envisioning was reality. So, of course, that expectation was sorely unmet on Saturday. The disappointment is a different kind than I usually experience in dating. And rather big.
Leaves one wanting to give up. Again.
But I have learned too much and come too far to ever give up.
Luckily, I had a spiritual reminder on Sunday that brought everything back in to remembrance and focus. I love the many, many lessons one can gain from the stories about the Brother of Jared in the Book or Mormon. He builds barges to take his people to the promised land. We all know about the preparations he makes for the trip in those barges. Many of the lessons focus on that. But we often forget that on the journey, they were driven to and fro with the waves, tossed on the waters, and often plummeted into the depths. All while being driven forth toward the promised land.
I see the last 3 years of my dating experiences, lessons, etc. (and probably the wandering 12 years before that) very much like the journey of Jared's people. With the dating coach, I was building the barges and learning what to put inside to help on my journey. I have been set out on my journey, with the Goddess Weekend being my lighted stones as well as my trust that God is taking me on the right path. But that doesn't mean that my journey will be a smooth one. It is going to be extremely rough, full of riotous waves and putting me into the depths. But that is only because I am getting closer to the promised land. I am so close!! As I heard the missionary telling his story, I felt the Spirit impress upon me that I am close. This is my tempestuous journey in the sea, but the Lord is still directing me. I am still on the right course. And I am almost to my destination.
So maybe I am disappointed. Again if albeit differently. So I am frustrated and annoyed again. So I am exhausted throughout every bit of it. It will all be worth it. Because I believe in the promised land. And it is so close.
I didn't realize that I was creating the expectations, and therein lay the problem. I was just loving what I was discovering, and somehow formed something in my mind which I absolutely loved and desired. That wasn't necessarily the problem. It was that somewhere in there I also created an expectation that what I was envisioning was reality. So, of course, that expectation was sorely unmet on Saturday. The disappointment is a different kind than I usually experience in dating. And rather big.
Leaves one wanting to give up. Again.
But I have learned too much and come too far to ever give up.
Luckily, I had a spiritual reminder on Sunday that brought everything back in to remembrance and focus. I love the many, many lessons one can gain from the stories about the Brother of Jared in the Book or Mormon. He builds barges to take his people to the promised land. We all know about the preparations he makes for the trip in those barges. Many of the lessons focus on that. But we often forget that on the journey, they were driven to and fro with the waves, tossed on the waters, and often plummeted into the depths. All while being driven forth toward the promised land.
I see the last 3 years of my dating experiences, lessons, etc. (and probably the wandering 12 years before that) very much like the journey of Jared's people. With the dating coach, I was building the barges and learning what to put inside to help on my journey. I have been set out on my journey, with the Goddess Weekend being my lighted stones as well as my trust that God is taking me on the right path. But that doesn't mean that my journey will be a smooth one. It is going to be extremely rough, full of riotous waves and putting me into the depths. But that is only because I am getting closer to the promised land. I am so close!! As I heard the missionary telling his story, I felt the Spirit impress upon me that I am close. This is my tempestuous journey in the sea, but the Lord is still directing me. I am still on the right course. And I am almost to my destination.
So maybe I am disappointed. Again if albeit differently. So I am frustrated and annoyed again. So I am exhausted throughout every bit of it. It will all be worth it. Because I believe in the promised land. And it is so close.
Friday, April 1, 2016
Spring is Coming--it's almost here!
I had forgotten how many emotions can be endured and lessons learned/reinforced in only a few days. Truly, the best part of all the failed relationships I've had over the years is how much I grow mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and intellectually. Mark a few more taller notches on my growth chart--this one is a huge growth spurt. In just 4 days, I have re-learned about forgiveness, answers to prayers, and the power of the Atonement while repeatedly and randomly cycling through all 5 stages of mourning and grief (denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). You'd think once one reaches acceptance they're done. But no. I have accepted it by the end of one day, and then wake up to a different stage.
I've gone through the same thing with my aunt's death last summer. I have accepted it. I am so grafetul for eternal families. Yet when I went to visit her grave a month ago I burst out in tears from missing her so much and still in disbelief that she is gone from us here on earth.
What was amazing is that I have been listening to my I Need to Cry playlist all this time, knowing I had tears that needed to come out for a more fuller healing of myself. I know me. That's how I work. Yesterday I felt on top of the world, because in the temple the previous night I was able to forgive him for what he did. But this morning? I woke up, and finally cried. Rather unexpected. By that point I guessed that there would be no tears. But I was wrong. And I feel there are still a few more that want out before I've cleansed the aching soul. Amazing that you can forgive someone, yet there is still residual pain. Probably because even though I hadn't given him my heart as I'd done in previous relationships, I gave him a part of myself that I had never given before. I compromised a bit on my side, yet there was still a lot of meaning and intention and even commitment in what I gave. He worried I would regret that. And I wouldn't have, save for how he chose to end it.
However, I'm not missing him. I'm missing the relationship we were building. I had a date last night with a man I've known for 10 years. It was comfortable. It was nice. But I could not help thinking throughout it how much it was lacking from what I'd just had. Not saying that it couldn't build in time with date guy, but I was just reminded how far and how deeply break-up guy and I had gotten to. How he qualmed so many of my social anxieties. How it was so easy and natural to be with him. How our conversations ran absolutely everywhere. I was missing that. That's what I thought of when I woke. That's what brought on tears.
But I have forgiven him. He may be a huge idiot (I really hope he doesn't get hurt by his decision). And he is rather self-centered, as the majority of our relationship focused on him and his thoughts and his opinions and his needs and his timeline and his desires. That's what I was hoping to address with him Monday night. But I didn't get a chance. There is relief to a point. I don't have to deal with those aspects now. But I had really wanted to. I had wanted to try and move past our second real barrier.
Instead I found myself facing, alone, his betrayal. For by Wednesday I figured out that is exactly what he did. He betrayed me with a kiss. (Well, several hundred kisses.) And I was so angry. But in the temple, I put things in perspective and could see that when Jesus was betrayed, it was a much deeper, more painful, more knowing and willing betrayal than what I endured. And I prayed for help to let go and forgive him. The Savior answered that prayer, and I felt amazing yesterday. I felt whole and my soul was lighter and freer.
Yet in the evening and then this morning, I could see that the last vestiges of the whole ordeal remain. I need to forgive her. I didn't realize I needed to until I noticed that anger kept returning, and it is because of her role in all this. I'm having an extremely difficult time with this--it may be the hardest part for me. But I really, really want to move on. And I don't want something as trivial as this to hold me back.
So currently I'm praying for help with that. And listening to either Josh Groban's "You are Loved" or "For Always" on repeat. I haven't reached "My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee" on repeat, which means I am doing very well, actually. That fact alone reminds me that I've endured much worse, as well as what an incredible future full of promised blessings I have in store for me!
I just came back from a walk on my lunch break. And I came up with an analogy to go with all this! I know. I love my analogies (as seen in spiritual life as well as previously in dating). We had snow last Monday--on THE day. We've been having snow here and there for the last 2 or 3 weeks. And it seemed like spring just couldn't make it through. Or maybe it would come but be very stunted. Today as I walked, I looked around and noticed that in spite of the snow and cold temperatures, spring is determined here in Utah. It is tenacious and fighting with such a will. There are blossoms on trees, and green buds forming. Daffodils and crocuses still blooming in spite of the chill and earlier snow. It is beautiful, and it brings hope.
And that is me in this frustrating, unpredictable, upsetting, disheartening wintery dating world. I am determined. I am tenacious and I will fight with a will until I succeed. I will not let setbacks keep me from reaching my potential. From continuing to grow. To be powerful. To be full of life. To be beautiful.
That's the name of this blog! I live in hope. I will continue to do so. I am determined and I will keep going. Like spring in Utah I will not let anything set me back from achieving my potential and what the Lord intends for me.
I've gone through the same thing with my aunt's death last summer. I have accepted it. I am so grafetul for eternal families. Yet when I went to visit her grave a month ago I burst out in tears from missing her so much and still in disbelief that she is gone from us here on earth.
What was amazing is that I have been listening to my I Need to Cry playlist all this time, knowing I had tears that needed to come out for a more fuller healing of myself. I know me. That's how I work. Yesterday I felt on top of the world, because in the temple the previous night I was able to forgive him for what he did. But this morning? I woke up, and finally cried. Rather unexpected. By that point I guessed that there would be no tears. But I was wrong. And I feel there are still a few more that want out before I've cleansed the aching soul. Amazing that you can forgive someone, yet there is still residual pain. Probably because even though I hadn't given him my heart as I'd done in previous relationships, I gave him a part of myself that I had never given before. I compromised a bit on my side, yet there was still a lot of meaning and intention and even commitment in what I gave. He worried I would regret that. And I wouldn't have, save for how he chose to end it.
However, I'm not missing him. I'm missing the relationship we were building. I had a date last night with a man I've known for 10 years. It was comfortable. It was nice. But I could not help thinking throughout it how much it was lacking from what I'd just had. Not saying that it couldn't build in time with date guy, but I was just reminded how far and how deeply break-up guy and I had gotten to. How he qualmed so many of my social anxieties. How it was so easy and natural to be with him. How our conversations ran absolutely everywhere. I was missing that. That's what I thought of when I woke. That's what brought on tears.
But I have forgiven him. He may be a huge idiot (I really hope he doesn't get hurt by his decision). And he is rather self-centered, as the majority of our relationship focused on him and his thoughts and his opinions and his needs and his timeline and his desires. That's what I was hoping to address with him Monday night. But I didn't get a chance. There is relief to a point. I don't have to deal with those aspects now. But I had really wanted to. I had wanted to try and move past our second real barrier.
Instead I found myself facing, alone, his betrayal. For by Wednesday I figured out that is exactly what he did. He betrayed me with a kiss. (Well, several hundred kisses.) And I was so angry. But in the temple, I put things in perspective and could see that when Jesus was betrayed, it was a much deeper, more painful, more knowing and willing betrayal than what I endured. And I prayed for help to let go and forgive him. The Savior answered that prayer, and I felt amazing yesterday. I felt whole and my soul was lighter and freer.
Yet in the evening and then this morning, I could see that the last vestiges of the whole ordeal remain. I need to forgive her. I didn't realize I needed to until I noticed that anger kept returning, and it is because of her role in all this. I'm having an extremely difficult time with this--it may be the hardest part for me. But I really, really want to move on. And I don't want something as trivial as this to hold me back.
So currently I'm praying for help with that. And listening to either Josh Groban's "You are Loved" or "For Always" on repeat. I haven't reached "My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee" on repeat, which means I am doing very well, actually. That fact alone reminds me that I've endured much worse, as well as what an incredible future full of promised blessings I have in store for me!
I just came back from a walk on my lunch break. And I came up with an analogy to go with all this! I know. I love my analogies (as seen in spiritual life as well as previously in dating). We had snow last Monday--on THE day. We've been having snow here and there for the last 2 or 3 weeks. And it seemed like spring just couldn't make it through. Or maybe it would come but be very stunted. Today as I walked, I looked around and noticed that in spite of the snow and cold temperatures, spring is determined here in Utah. It is tenacious and fighting with such a will. There are blossoms on trees, and green buds forming. Daffodils and crocuses still blooming in spite of the chill and earlier snow. It is beautiful, and it brings hope.
And that is me in this frustrating, unpredictable, upsetting, disheartening wintery dating world. I am determined. I am tenacious and I will fight with a will until I succeed. I will not let setbacks keep me from reaching my potential. From continuing to grow. To be powerful. To be full of life. To be beautiful.
To. Be. Full. Of. Hope.
That's the name of this blog! I live in hope. I will continue to do so. I am determined and I will keep going. Like spring in Utah I will not let anything set me back from achieving my potential and what the Lord intends for me.
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Dumb Me--I'm Doing It All Again!
Yesterday I did something stupid. Here I've spent months trying to "Close the Back Door," and then I just opened it wide and shouted out "Hello there!!!" I have immediately been trying to close it again. And while it was really stupid of me, it certainly was glorious. Fun, enjoyable, memorable. I laughed so much. I made him laugh! (That surprised me.) There was always easy, ready conversation. He could dance--which made the fun twice what it could have been. And it was so easy and natural to just be relaxed and be myself!
The problem with opening that door and then closing it reminds me of exactly what I've been looking for in a relationship--and seeing that it actually exists somewhere. But there have been so few in my life where I have felt this way. And I have to grasp so tightly to the faint, usually fleeting hope that I can find this yet again with some other man--but one who will feel the same way in return. That is a very, very difficult hope to hold on to. Which is why Closing the back door hurts. But I'm only hurting myself more if I don't. The last 5 months have already proved that.
The problem with opening that door and then closing it reminds me of exactly what I've been looking for in a relationship--and seeing that it actually exists somewhere. But there have been so few in my life where I have felt this way. And I have to grasp so tightly to the faint, usually fleeting hope that I can find this yet again with some other man--but one who will feel the same way in return. That is a very, very difficult hope to hold on to. Which is why Closing the back door hurts. But I'm only hurting myself more if I don't. The last 5 months have already proved that.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Answered Prayers
Heavenly Father is the best. Always. He wanted me to make my (recent) decision, but He didn't want me to feel guilty or telling myself how awful I am. I was able to attend a free seminar this early evening from a Dating coach/matchmaker/whatever her title from Toronto who spoke on The 3 Mistakes Women Make in Dating. It all came together within the last week, and I first heard of it just a few days ago while I was in the middle of figuring out my own current situation. I felt prompted to do it, in spite of other plans that had been forming for the day.
So I registered. And I went. And it was absolutely everything I've been needing to hear I couldn't believe that every single word she spoke was applicable and eye-opening. And I spoke with her 1-on-1 because of one last bit of confusion that I still had on my part. I was able to leave with complete peace about the decision I made a couple of days ago. No guilt. No feeling like I'm an awful person. Complete understanding and acceptance. And a reassurance that I needed to take care of that tonight and not wait until the next time he asked me on a date.
I feel just as the Lord would want me to--at peace, happy, and ready to keep going. To close the back door and get off the sidelines. I love how well He knows me and puts just what I need in my path right when I need it.
So I registered. And I went. And it was absolutely everything I've been needing to hear I couldn't believe that every single word she spoke was applicable and eye-opening. And I spoke with her 1-on-1 because of one last bit of confusion that I still had on my part. I was able to leave with complete peace about the decision I made a couple of days ago. No guilt. No feeling like I'm an awful person. Complete understanding and acceptance. And a reassurance that I needed to take care of that tonight and not wait until the next time he asked me on a date.
I feel just as the Lord would want me to--at peace, happy, and ready to keep going. To close the back door and get off the sidelines. I love how well He knows me and puts just what I need in my path right when I need it.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
33 Reflections of (Possibly) Why I'm 33 and Single
I felt "my list" deserved its own entry. This list's creation is an inspiration from Liz and an opportunity of self-reflection and reminiscing for me. Please remember the linked to entry lest you think I'm a whiner or making excuses or truthfully harsh.
33. I had one date in high school. My senior prom. My date already had a girlfriend. He was kind and wanted to make sure I got to go to my prom (though I'd already planned to go as a single with a group of friends and their dates). It was a very sweet gesture, and the date was fine. Though awkward.
32. One date in high school didn't give me a lot of chances for practicing in that area of life, but it wasn't a surprise or disappointment to me that I wasn't asked, as our family moved just a few weeks before my 16th birthday. All the guy friends I knew who could have asked me out were now 8 hours away. I was in a very new place with even fewer LDS people than where I'd lived previously. My standards stood out and the boys there respected them, which meant they would not ask me out either.
31. In my dating-eligible years of high school, one of the guys I liked immediately left on his mission and was gone the whole two years I was there. The other guys I liked were all younger--some of them not eligible to date until after I'd left for college. Yep, even then my attraction to younger men was defeating my purposes.
30. Yes, I have often been attracted to younger men. Usually it has been within 3 or 4 years, but recently more have been 5 years younger, and a very few have been 7 and even 10 years younger. Yes, I'm a cougar--I'm a BYU alumni and that is our mascot. No, I'm not a cougar by the term that has come into society. Why must people insult me when I'm attracted to men who have a love for life, ambition, focus, direction, and fun when many of the men my age are just bumps on a log making no efforts with life or with dating. It is small wonder that the younger men who haven't become jaded are more attractive. Yet those younger men must look at me as some washed-up old maid who has been passed over by men for some reason or another--because that is exactly what it feels like.
29. Unfortunately I have a fine line between what is too fast in a relationship, and what is too slow. I have learned that is a part of my introverted nature, but I'm not really sure how to explain that in the early phases of dating without convincing the guy even more of my off-the-wall idiosyncrasies.
28. I had a fake fiance once. We'll just leave that one there.
27. Pretty sure my love language is touch. Yet I'm very conservative and reserved when it comes to that part of the relationship, preferring to keep it from entering a relationship until much farther down the line. That has been a blessing and a hinderance in every case over the years. (Yet in spite of some recent dating advice, I'm still going to hold to my guns on that, because I very much believe this.)
26. I'm pretty strict in my budget and finances for most things, and life was really tight for a few years. Which means I use money for necessities and new clothes aren't always a necessity. Unfortunately that means frump and feeling blah can happen a lot in the (outdated--meaning 7+ years) clothing area.
25. I have a lot of physical issues that make me self-conscious and have me thinking others see it, too. It could be affecting my physical attraction level to men. I don't know. But it definitely affects my self-esteem.
24. I once had a date that only occurred because we were proving a point to each other. The irony is that I'd had a huge crush on the guy and went through an embarrassingly and (for me) elaborate asking him to Preference only to wait 5 days and then be rejected because he's just started dating another girl. You'd think finally going on a date would have fed the crush. But the crush was 18 months previous, and his rejection had thoroughly crushed the crush.
23. I had (have?) a bad habit of telling guys who I'm pretty sure aren't interested in me that I'm interested in them and just want to hear for sure how they feel so I can remove all trace of hope. I've learned from my dating coach this isn't recommended....
22. This previously listed bad habit has now morphed to asking guys whom I'm pretty sure aren't interested in me out on dates so I don't ruin my chances with the ones who might actually be interested. I'm thinking this might still not be wise....
21. I come across as settled, or too adult. <As an infamous eye roller, you need to insert an eye roll here>
20. Mr. Best Friend was 5 years of my life. 5 years during my eligible dating years. That's almost 1/3 of those years.
19. In my 17 years of eligible dating years, I spent 3 of them living where there were only about 5 worthy and worthwhile (meaning they had jobs, and they happily lived the Gospel wholeheartedly) men to date in my branch/immediate area, and 4 years where there were 0 eligible men in the immediate area (and about 50 in the entire state).
18. Generally, I either don't inspire 2nd dates with guys I would like to have those with, but do inspire them with guys that a first was enough for me.
17. I have a Dating Coach now. The last 2 years I've spent learning all of the things I've been doing wrong the previous 15 years. I concur with her motto: "It's not you, it's your technique."
16. I had a reverse adolescence. Everyone went through an "eek" phase as a teen and grew out of it by the time they were a young adult. My teen years were rather "meh" and then suddenly as a young adult, I started to go through "eek." I didn't figure out hair, make-up, clothes until I finished graduate school. I had just turned 25.
15. I had a second date with a guy that was a complete misunderstanding, but I didn't have the heart to clear up the mistake.
14. I had a man who was very much interested in dating me, until he found out that some times I donate my hair. He told me that just showed where my priorities in marriage were. :-O
13. There was one guy during my high school dating years, close to my age, whom I was really interested in. I thought he was interested in me. We got along so well, and I soon learned that the ward thought we were dating! I figured out his feelings when I learned at a ward dance that he wasn't coming--because he'd asked some other girl to his school dance.
12. After a discussion and agreement with a man that I'd been on one date with that we were not exclusive, he continued to contact me every day, and follow me around like a puppy (no exaggeration--every where I went!!) at 2 church activities. When he confronted me about not seeming to enjoy this behavior, I reminded him that we'd agreed we were not going to be exclusive, that I needed some space, as my personality type tends to need. He chose not to reply, but his responding action was to completely avoid and ignore me while obviously pursuing another woman in front of all our mutual friends. I guess his definition of space meant "we're done."
11. I once hit it off very well with a guy who had just come home from his mission. I thought he was interested in me. As fast as we started to hit it off, he completely dropped all contact with me when he left to be a salesperson in another city. I learned later from his sister that he was interested, but (not knowing the full story) thought that Mr. Best Friend and I would make a much better couple. So he dropped his pursuit of me and told Mr. Best Friend to date me, which, obviously, never happened.
10. I am a desirable target for Ghosting.
9. I am a desirable choice for "We're just friends, but I need someone to go on a date with me so you'll have to do" dates.
8. My self-definition is that I am a sentimental, melodramatic, stubborn, hopeless romantic. That reason could stand alone and condemn me.
7. I never have a clue what I'm doing, and pretty sure that everything I do is not the right thing. Too much, not enough? Right time, wrong time? It's all a game--and I hate playing it! #WelcomeToDating
8. I let myself get too attached too easily to men I barely knew, who (now I can see) obviously had no interest whatsoever in me.
7. I get too excited too soon about possibilities and What Could Be's when I need to just relax and have fun. (This would be one of the biggest lessons I'm trying to learn from my Dating Coach.)
6. I have always been attracted to the kind of men who would never pay me a second thought. I'm doing my utmost to go more with the Top Ten Categories that my Dating Coach has counseled me to do. Two years is still a little too early to tell, and unfortunately the attractions for the Out of My Reach still occur.
5. I have a "terrible" introvert/hermit nature that would much rather stay home than put myself out there among strangers. There were definite times during my dating years when I just checked out of society. And those times lasted much longer than they should, hence my fierce determination to stay in it right now, even though I'm exhausted!
4. There was a guy I met at a party a few years ago. It was instant interest on my side. I met and began liking him before my other friends, but as they met him, they began to like him, too. One dropped out of the running, but the other, my roommate, was still interested. She was doing nothing to advance that, while I was. I even asked the man on a date. After a nice date, he walked me to my door. I could have let him say goodnight, and that probably would have been the end of everything. On reflection, I still wish I'd left it. But I knew my roommate was interested, so I invited him in for ice cream so she could have a chance to talk with him and get to know him as well. He was visiting with us for another 3 hours, which led to a year of "aaaaaaah!!!" for the both of us. I suppose if I'd left it, it all would have worked itself into some other part of our life. Still, why am I kind like that?
3. I had a Skype date with a guy who refuted every opinion I had on mutual books we'd read. I knew there would NEVER be a chance for us when he told me that Mr. Collins was the real hero of Pride & Prejudice.
2. I'm told I'm intimidating, where ever that comes from. I direct you here for my defense (warning: some foul language contained).
1. It's a part of God's plan which I learn a little more of each day and which I put my faith and trust in.
Last words (for now): There's so much more I could say. Some of this is facetious. Some of it is speculation. Some of it is truth. Some of it is, who knows. 17 years of dating (or not dating) brings a lot of experiences, thoughts, and lessons to learn. I think the most important thing is that at my current situation, right now, I'm happy. I love my life. I love what I have learned. I love what I have ahead of me. I recently learned something in my marriage class that definitely applies to dating: Be ready for Failure, Frustration, and Forgiveness. It will always be there. These reflections show that the 3 F's have flowed throughout my dating experiences--both on my side and on all the men's sides. I only have more room to grow, and I will stay at that.
33. I had one date in high school. My senior prom. My date already had a girlfriend. He was kind and wanted to make sure I got to go to my prom (though I'd already planned to go as a single with a group of friends and their dates). It was a very sweet gesture, and the date was fine. Though awkward.
32. One date in high school didn't give me a lot of chances for practicing in that area of life, but it wasn't a surprise or disappointment to me that I wasn't asked, as our family moved just a few weeks before my 16th birthday. All the guy friends I knew who could have asked me out were now 8 hours away. I was in a very new place with even fewer LDS people than where I'd lived previously. My standards stood out and the boys there respected them, which meant they would not ask me out either.
31. In my dating-eligible years of high school, one of the guys I liked immediately left on his mission and was gone the whole two years I was there. The other guys I liked were all younger--some of them not eligible to date until after I'd left for college. Yep, even then my attraction to younger men was defeating my purposes.
30. Yes, I have often been attracted to younger men. Usually it has been within 3 or 4 years, but recently more have been 5 years younger, and a very few have been 7 and even 10 years younger. Yes, I'm a cougar--I'm a BYU alumni and that is our mascot. No, I'm not a cougar by the term that has come into society. Why must people insult me when I'm attracted to men who have a love for life, ambition, focus, direction, and fun when many of the men my age are just bumps on a log making no efforts with life or with dating. It is small wonder that the younger men who haven't become jaded are more attractive. Yet those younger men must look at me as some washed-up old maid who has been passed over by men for some reason or another--because that is exactly what it feels like.
29. Unfortunately I have a fine line between what is too fast in a relationship, and what is too slow. I have learned that is a part of my introverted nature, but I'm not really sure how to explain that in the early phases of dating without convincing the guy even more of my off-the-wall idiosyncrasies.
28. I had a fake fiance once. We'll just leave that one there.
27. Pretty sure my love language is touch. Yet I'm very conservative and reserved when it comes to that part of the relationship, preferring to keep it from entering a relationship until much farther down the line. That has been a blessing and a hinderance in every case over the years. (Yet in spite of some recent dating advice, I'm still going to hold to my guns on that, because I very much believe this.)
26. I'm pretty strict in my budget and finances for most things, and life was really tight for a few years. Which means I use money for necessities and new clothes aren't always a necessity. Unfortunately that means frump and feeling blah can happen a lot in the (outdated--meaning 7+ years) clothing area.
25. I have a lot of physical issues that make me self-conscious and have me thinking others see it, too. It could be affecting my physical attraction level to men. I don't know. But it definitely affects my self-esteem.
24. I once had a date that only occurred because we were proving a point to each other. The irony is that I'd had a huge crush on the guy and went through an embarrassingly and (for me) elaborate asking him to Preference only to wait 5 days and then be rejected because he's just started dating another girl. You'd think finally going on a date would have fed the crush. But the crush was 18 months previous, and his rejection had thoroughly crushed the crush.
23. I had (have?) a bad habit of telling guys who I'm pretty sure aren't interested in me that I'm interested in them and just want to hear for sure how they feel so I can remove all trace of hope. I've learned from my dating coach this isn't recommended....
22. This previously listed bad habit has now morphed to asking guys whom I'm pretty sure aren't interested in me out on dates so I don't ruin my chances with the ones who might actually be interested. I'm thinking this might still not be wise....
21. I come across as settled, or too adult. <As an infamous eye roller, you need to insert an eye roll here>
20. Mr. Best Friend was 5 years of my life. 5 years during my eligible dating years. That's almost 1/3 of those years.
19. In my 17 years of eligible dating years, I spent 3 of them living where there were only about 5 worthy and worthwhile (meaning they had jobs, and they happily lived the Gospel wholeheartedly) men to date in my branch/immediate area, and 4 years where there were 0 eligible men in the immediate area (and about 50 in the entire state).
18. Generally, I either don't inspire 2nd dates with guys I would like to have those with, but do inspire them with guys that a first was enough for me.
17. I have a Dating Coach now. The last 2 years I've spent learning all of the things I've been doing wrong the previous 15 years. I concur with her motto: "It's not you, it's your technique."
16. I had a reverse adolescence. Everyone went through an "eek" phase as a teen and grew out of it by the time they were a young adult. My teen years were rather "meh" and then suddenly as a young adult, I started to go through "eek." I didn't figure out hair, make-up, clothes until I finished graduate school. I had just turned 25.
15. I had a second date with a guy that was a complete misunderstanding, but I didn't have the heart to clear up the mistake.
14. I had a man who was very much interested in dating me, until he found out that some times I donate my hair. He told me that just showed where my priorities in marriage were. :-O
13. There was one guy during my high school dating years, close to my age, whom I was really interested in. I thought he was interested in me. We got along so well, and I soon learned that the ward thought we were dating! I figured out his feelings when I learned at a ward dance that he wasn't coming--because he'd asked some other girl to his school dance.
12. After a discussion and agreement with a man that I'd been on one date with that we were not exclusive, he continued to contact me every day, and follow me around like a puppy (no exaggeration--every where I went!!) at 2 church activities. When he confronted me about not seeming to enjoy this behavior, I reminded him that we'd agreed we were not going to be exclusive, that I needed some space, as my personality type tends to need. He chose not to reply, but his responding action was to completely avoid and ignore me while obviously pursuing another woman in front of all our mutual friends. I guess his definition of space meant "we're done."
11. I once hit it off very well with a guy who had just come home from his mission. I thought he was interested in me. As fast as we started to hit it off, he completely dropped all contact with me when he left to be a salesperson in another city. I learned later from his sister that he was interested, but (not knowing the full story) thought that Mr. Best Friend and I would make a much better couple. So he dropped his pursuit of me and told Mr. Best Friend to date me, which, obviously, never happened.
10. I am a desirable target for Ghosting.
9. I am a desirable choice for "We're just friends, but I need someone to go on a date with me so you'll have to do" dates.
8. My self-definition is that I am a sentimental, melodramatic, stubborn, hopeless romantic. That reason could stand alone and condemn me.
7. I never have a clue what I'm doing, and pretty sure that everything I do is not the right thing. Too much, not enough? Right time, wrong time? It's all a game--and I hate playing it! #WelcomeToDating
8. I let myself get too attached too easily to men I barely knew, who (now I can see) obviously had no interest whatsoever in me.
7. I get too excited too soon about possibilities and What Could Be's when I need to just relax and have fun. (This would be one of the biggest lessons I'm trying to learn from my Dating Coach.)
6. I have always been attracted to the kind of men who would never pay me a second thought. I'm doing my utmost to go more with the Top Ten Categories that my Dating Coach has counseled me to do. Two years is still a little too early to tell, and unfortunately the attractions for the Out of My Reach still occur.
5. I have a "terrible" introvert/hermit nature that would much rather stay home than put myself out there among strangers. There were definite times during my dating years when I just checked out of society. And those times lasted much longer than they should, hence my fierce determination to stay in it right now, even though I'm exhausted!
4. There was a guy I met at a party a few years ago. It was instant interest on my side. I met and began liking him before my other friends, but as they met him, they began to like him, too. One dropped out of the running, but the other, my roommate, was still interested. She was doing nothing to advance that, while I was. I even asked the man on a date. After a nice date, he walked me to my door. I could have let him say goodnight, and that probably would have been the end of everything. On reflection, I still wish I'd left it. But I knew my roommate was interested, so I invited him in for ice cream so she could have a chance to talk with him and get to know him as well. He was visiting with us for another 3 hours, which led to a year of "aaaaaaah!!!" for the both of us. I suppose if I'd left it, it all would have worked itself into some other part of our life. Still, why am I kind like that?
3. I had a Skype date with a guy who refuted every opinion I had on mutual books we'd read. I knew there would NEVER be a chance for us when he told me that Mr. Collins was the real hero of Pride & Prejudice.
2. I'm told I'm intimidating, where ever that comes from. I direct you here for my defense (warning: some foul language contained).
1. It's a part of God's plan which I learn a little more of each day and which I put my faith and trust in.
Last words (for now): There's so much more I could say. Some of this is facetious. Some of it is speculation. Some of it is truth. Some of it is, who knows. 17 years of dating (or not dating) brings a lot of experiences, thoughts, and lessons to learn. I think the most important thing is that at my current situation, right now, I'm happy. I love my life. I love what I have learned. I love what I have ahead of me. I recently learned something in my marriage class that definitely applies to dating: Be ready for Failure, Frustration, and Forgiveness. It will always be there. These reflections show that the 3 F's have flowed throughout my dating experiences--both on my side and on all the men's sides. I only have more room to grow, and I will stay at that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)