Two Roads Diverged

I always knew that marriage would not be easy. Aside from the many books and articles I have read on relationships in hopes to prepare me for my own one day, I have observed countless other relationships. I know they are not all sunshine and roses--because even roses prick with their thorns and sunshine can cause sunburn or heat stroke. Opposition in all things requiring balance.

Yes, I am not married yet. We are in the engagement phase where we are making plans and adjustments. In a way it is nice to have the time for the adjustment. But it is also difficult, for as an LDS girl I know of the power of the adversary--and he is certainly trying to give it all he can.

I did not go into this relationship blind. I never thought it would be an easy thing. But I could never have imagined quite what it would be like. Like all those people who say you won't really understand anything about parenting until you have your own children. That baby-sitting and nanny-ing and any other child care is still not quite the same thing. Well, so it is with relationships. Especially relationships intended on marriage.

The last week was difficult for both of us. Emotions, stresses, mental and physical energy. It all wore on us. For me, it allowed the adversary to sneak in to tell me how unfit I am as a companion. What a terribly mistake this is. That being single is easier. So like the adversary--feeding lies mixed in with a truth. Because even before I met my love, I had come to the realization that singleness really is easier. It doesn't allow me to progress in many ways, but it sure is easier! A long while back I had to make the decision if I wanted the easier road, or the difficult one that would lead me to a greater joy and happiness and fulfillment that could never be found on the road for one. I made that choice then. I made it again when I told my love I would marry him. And ever since I have had to make that choice every day--sometimes several times in the day!

The adversary keeps trying to remind me that the single road is easier, but conveniently leaving out the memories of the loneliness and heartache and all those tears as I dealt with life single, alone, and frustrated in a spot I could not progress from. While trying to distract me with that half truth, he tries to throw in all those other things that feed off my doubts and insecurities. And it is a daily struggle--an even harder one because for the next few months I am still at a place where I could easily make a different choice.

Single is easier, but not worth it. And maybe I am inadequate and flawed. But heavens--aren't we all! Who on this earth aside from our Savior was ever perfect? Who ever knew all the answers and applied them all perfectly when it came to marriage? I am in great company of millions throughout earth's history who chose this route and fought every single step of the way to bring about the greatest blessing of their lives. And never let go. The Josh Groban song that I used to hold on to for the hope it gave--which hope for me was that my dream of finding the love of my life would come about one day--has now changed to not letting go of "all that we could be." All we are meant to be--but only together. I have never been one to shirk a challenge, unless I'm tired! :-) So it is time to "Awake and Arise" and fight what I must for the 3rd greatest choice of my life.

I can't understand it.
The search for an answer is met with a darker day.
And we've been handed these moments forever.
But I'm reassured there's another way.
You don't have to close your eyes.
There is room for love again.
Ease the pain to realize
All that love can be.
Forced apart by time and sand.
Take a step and take my hand.
And don't let it go.
Never let go.

Broken, once connected,
We were so strong and so blessed in a simple way.
So don't let me go it alone.
Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below but me.
Face the truth to realize
All that we could be.
Torn apart by rage and fear.
Hold onto what brought you here.
Don't let it go.
Never let go.

Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below.
Don't let go.

FYI

Obedience is a powerful thing.

It affects dreams, wishes, desires, and prayers.

And because of it, I am now living in a beautiful dream of reality as countless spoken and unspoken prayers have been answered toward the 2nd greatest desire and wish of my heart being granted.

I will relishly be relinquishing single status in about 6 months.

My Current, Huge Dilemma

This past week I had my 3rd week-long training (in the span of 9 months) which also "concluded" the project my team was working on. This entire program is called ILEAD (Innovative Librarians Explore Apply & Discover), which originated out of Illinois. I was lucky to be able to participate in Utah's 2nd year. I have gained so much from these 9 months' experiences. I was rejuvenated, inspired, and all kinds of wonderful concerning my particular job but also my overall career as a librarian.

For a couple of years, I have felt myself being encouraged and nudged by many superiors and mentors to consider moving up the ladder in my career. Administration was never appealing to me. My supervisor suggested twice that I take the Supervisors' course and I explained that I was perfectly happy where I was. And I am! I love my collection development responsibilities. I love working the desk. And I most especially love my work in programs and with the youth. It is the best part of my job, doing storytimes and Teen Hours and Doctor Who & Star Wars parties, and more.

But the carrot of moving up has been dangling closer and closer in front of me in the last 2 years, and all around me trying to tell me how amazing that carrot is. In the dating world, I have loved my carrot analogy. That carrot has been a lifeline. But in my job? I don't know. After doing this ILEAD program, I can see more positives about being a library branch manager. I can see in myself the skills and attributes that would be perfect to take on such a responsibility. I've even glimpsed how I could actually enjoy it, excel at it, and make a difference.

Yet there is one very huge thing that holds me back. Something that makes that carrot the most unappealing thing to me.

I want to be a wife and mother.

And by that, I mean I want to be a stay-at-home mother. I want to be a homemaker. Not just a one-day off homemaker. I want to keep my house clean, organized, and full of fun, laughter, and the Spirit. I want to be there for my children when they come home from school. I want to be at home when they are young to teach them so many things in those crucial early years. I want to be the mom who takes them to storytime. I want to be home when my husband returns from work, and make every effort to be there for him as he needs it. I know what a full day of work can do to a person. I know how tiring it is. The need to unwind. I don't want us to deal with that at the same time as trying to take care of the kids. I want to fully be his support when he returns. I want to hear about his day if he wants or needs to share it. I want to have dinner waiting for him so he can sit and relax and begin to unwind. I know that all seems rosy-colored and there would be days of him coming home when I was already at the end of my rope because of the kids. But you know what? I see that in all of my married, stay-at-home mother friends. And I still want it.

I love the challenge of my job. I love that there is always something new and different to deal with. But I have forever wanted the challenge and joy of being my husband's wife, and being my children's mother.

So, why go up the ladder when I know that at some point I will very willingly jump off of it?

True, I cannot base my decisions on "If/When I get married." If I'd done that, I would have no Master's degree and would be struggling in lower end jobs rather than be in the 2nd-choice career that brings me so much happiness. And who knows how long I will continue on the single road? I would hope more than anything that it isn't long. But I cannot guarantee. I cannot know. And I cannot hold back my life on the hope. That's not how life works. We go on with it and when a change comes along, that's when we deal with it.

It worries me that I will go through with the decision to climb. That we--because it wouldn't be just me involved--such a decision would affect an entire library branch as well as admin staff and my current counterparts at other branches AND all the patrons I serve--would go through so much trouble, effort, etc. to get me to that position, only for me to leave it as soon as the first baby was born.

I have considered over the last years keeping my toe in the water by being a sub librarian when I am a mother, because it would keep me up with all the changes in the library world, and still give me a taste of something that has given me joy and fulfillment for the last 16 years. My Wife 4 Life Dazzle, if you will. And then should I ever need to return to work because of unforeseen circumstances, I'd still be in the game and be ready to go back easily.

But staying with the job full time? No. I want to be at home with my babies. With my husband when he is not working.

Do I really want to go through all that moving up, just to give it up?

Yet do I let my 2 greatest dreams that have no timeline or prospects control my life now?

There is living in hope, but there is also not sure how to live because of that hope.