What's in a Name?

In my Wife for Life class, we talk about Unsolvables. This is my 4th semester taking the class, but the first time I have had a man in my life that this is beginning to apply to. Last week was the lesson Unsolvables came up in. And I knew that mon amour and I are still getting to know each other, still learning. We had not stumbled upon any Unsolvables, yet. Until last night. Who knew we would have SUCH trouble with names for children! I haven't a clue why he brought up that subject during our pre-FHE dinner, but he did. And for the next half hour or more, we agreed on absolutely nothing! Well, maybe at one tiniest instance I brought him around to my view on one name. But that was it. Boys. Girls. Pronunciations. Nicknames. We were so far apart on it, it was laughable.

Which is exactly what we did. Knowing it was an Unsolvable when we hit it just made us laugh. Eventually we will work around and through it. There is no rush on it, obviously. We have 5 more months before another 9 months of waiting and deciding is even a possibility. But it is so much more pleasant knowing as one goes into a relationship that there will be some things that will take a WHOLE lot more work to compromise on, and that's OK. It's normal. And it doesn't destroy any part of our relationship or love for each other because we know how to deal with it.

But of ALL the things--names? Hilarious to think that Shakespeare was wrong. And Anne of Green Gables knew it all along.

Subconsciously Hilarious

I dreamed last night.

First I met this really amazing guy at some function. We had a lot in common and we got along fabulously. But it never occurred to him to ask me out.

The dream morphed into a group of my friends and I meeting some men at an activity. It was a match-up group date of sorts. My guy and I were hitting it off. Then all of the guys started to feel sick (we thought food poisoning) and left for the hospital.

Even in my dreams I am doomed.

Take a Hint

I was chatting with a guy last night. We set up a date for this Saturday. Today he sent a message asking what my plans were for tonight, tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday. That's kind of how he got around to asking me out last night. So I called, as he asked me to, to tell him my plans...again. He missed the call, but returned it immediately. And said the same thing he did last night: that he wanted to know if there was a time we could get together. I reminded him that we had a date on Saturday for lunch.

Him: "Oh yeah."

I blame it on the fact that he was high last night. Yeah. Because he proudly bragged that he had just smoked weed--"for therapeutic reasons!"--and asked if I smoked it, too. I told him that, as I was active and practicing LDS, that would be a no. (Maybe I should have gone with the colloquial Mormon; possible he read LSD in that....)

I told him while we were on the phone that I was heading to the temple. So he said goodbye so I could get back to what I was doing. Then sent me a picture of himself and his abs. Yeah.... I hadn't felt fabulous about accepting the date in the first place, or reaffirming it a second time. But now I really didn't feel good about it.

While in the temple, I knew I needed to break the date (weed or no weed!!). Over the last few years, I have been open to first or even second dates with men who are not LDS. Because a date is just a date, right? Well, I still agree with that. One date does not mean marriage. Neither does a second or third or....

But in the temple I looked around and was reminded again of my greatest desire. A big reason that I am still single is because I want to be sealed for eternity to my best friend in the temple. I am looking for a man who can do that, and I don't want to risk falling in love with someone who can't take me there. Because that would be too much pain to deal with. I am not that strong. So tonight I decided that if I want that desire, I need to date only men who can satisfy that desire. Most of the men in the last 3 years have been that way, but this new site has flooded me with men who could not (or do not want to) fulfill that desire. And I felt I needed to make a more concrete stand about who I was or wasn't going to date.

So, I left the temple and found a message waiting for me. This is what ensued.

Him: Did you get my picture? 

Me: I did. And I have to be honest: after being in the temple, I feel strongly that I am not the kind of girl who could bring you happiness. And vice versa. It is probably best if we don't go out on Saturday. 

Him: Okay. 
Him: May I send you another? 

Me: No. That won't change my mind. What you look like has nothing to do with the fact that I want to marry in the temple, and you cannot offer me that. Please don't contact me again. 

I am thrilled to say that he hasn't written since, but I was (and still am) worried that when he didn't get my no the first time, he wasn't going to get it the second. I'd call him Mr. Collins, if a former date didn't already have that nickname.

Since I love gifs, I thought I would post a some of my reactions.
*Learning he had forgotten about our date within 18 hours of setting it up.

*His bragging about smoking weed with his friend

*Receiving the unwanted picture.

*His request to send me another picture after I canceled our date.

Now Accepting Applications

Over the last week, I was able to see that I have forgiven both the man and woman who have caused me all the pain I was going through for a couple of weeks. I felt prompted yesterday that perhaps I should let this man know. So I went online today to tell him, and learned that the two of them just got engaged. Imagine that--the time it can take to forgive someone can also be the time it takes to get engaged!

I'm not totally sure how I'm feeling about it. Trying to do a feelings check, and I can't come up with specific emotions. But I do have one overall conclusion: I'm fine with it. And that's all I need to know.

I have managed to find the irony, however. Over my dating time as an adult, I have had what could either be a cursing or a blessing. It is certainly a hidden power. I have lost track of how many men I have dated (either 1 or 2 dates or actual dating relationships) who have found their spouses immediately after dating me.

I used to joke that men who were serious about finding a relationship should date me, because they would find her right after me. But I'm starting to think this might be a good idea. After all, I'd be doing a huge service to the singles community in getting relationships going and people out of the singles scene. And in the mean time, I would be getting dates and experiences and even friendships out of that. The men and I would have a good time and in the end they would find happiness. I like helping others find happiness. But I wouldn't be left in the lurch. Because "all these things shall give thee experience," and, as the Lord has promised me, my turn would come in the right time. And every one of my desires will not only be fulfilled, but I will be more ready to recognize, receive, and accept them because of all the experiences that I'd had.
Yes. I think it is a good idea.

Now accepting applications for active LDS men who are serious about finding a relationship and looking to have fun dates while getting to make/improve a friendship. High return on investment guaranteed, for both parties.

Come to think of it, I think this ad has been in place for quite a few years. We just forgot to print and announce it.

Oh. My. Word.

That moment when you realize the guy you met online a couple of days ago and have been chatting with is actually a guy who asked you on a date 4 years ago, to which you said yes, and then he never followed through.

.......


.............


........................

And no, I'm not giving him a second chance for that date. I already know it would not be an enjoyable experience and we are most certainly not compatible. I have witnesses who can confirm.


This just reinforces the post I wrote not even 2 hours ago.

Overheard Today

"I'm not single. I'm romantically challenged." - from "A Christmas Wish"

If he can see it, why can't other guys?

A couple weeks ago I heard something that me laugh and blush at the same time. It was from my work-ish-related project mentor. He is a very successful leader in my work field, becoming pretty well-known nationally. We are opposites in so many ways (LDS vs not, non-smoker vs. not, meat-lover vs. vegan; straight vs. gay), and yet have found plenty in common to be friends. I've really enjoyed making his friendship over the last year. He makes me laugh and gives me interesting and informative perspectives on so many things in my library world.

He said this the other day: "I can say this because I'm not your co-worker, and because I'm gay--I think you're quite a catch."

And I was extremely flattered. 

He has made it his mission to find someone for me. Because he, too, can see the crime in singleness.

I CAN count to 3!!

A third date today.

I haven't been on one of those in 15 years.

Not sure if I should celebrate or cry. Or both.

But the reality? I'm laughing.

Seems to be the better and easier option.

33 Reflections of (Possibly) Why I'm 33 and Single

I felt "my list" deserved its own entry. This list's creation is an inspiration from Liz and an opportunity of self-reflection and reminiscing for me. Please remember the linked to entry lest you think I'm a whiner or making excuses or truthfully harsh.

33. I had one date in high school. My senior prom. My date already had a girlfriend. He was kind and wanted to make sure I got to go to my prom (though I'd already planned to go as a single with a group of friends and their dates). It was a very sweet gesture, and the date was fine. Though awkward.

32. One date in high school didn't give me a lot of chances for practicing in that area of life, but it wasn't a surprise or disappointment to me that I wasn't asked, as our family moved just a few weeks before my 16th birthday. All the guy friends I knew who could have asked me out were now 8 hours away. I was in a very new place with even fewer LDS people than where I'd lived previously. My standards stood out and the boys there respected them, which meant they would not ask me out either.

31. In my dating-eligible years of high school, one of the guys I liked immediately left on his mission and was gone the whole two years I was there. The other guys I liked were all younger--some of them not eligible to date until after I'd left for college. Yep, even then my attraction to younger men was defeating my purposes.

30. Yes, I have often been attracted to younger men. Usually it has been within 3 or 4 years, but recently more have been 5 years younger, and a very few have been 7 and even 10 years younger. Yes, I'm a cougar--I'm a BYU alumni and that is our mascot. No, I'm not a cougar by the term that has come into society. Why must people insult me when I'm attracted to men who have a love for life, ambition, focus, direction, and fun when many of the men my age are just bumps on a log making no efforts with life or with dating. It is small wonder that the younger men who haven't become jaded are more attractive. Yet those younger men must look at me as some washed-up old maid who has been passed over by men for some reason or another--because that is exactly what it feels like.

29. Unfortunately I have a fine line between what is too fast in a relationship, and what is too slow. I have learned that is a part of my introverted nature, but I'm not really sure how to explain that in the early phases of dating without convincing the guy even more of my off-the-wall idiosyncrasies.

28. I had a fake fiance once. We'll just leave that one there.

27. Pretty sure my love language is touch. Yet I'm very conservative and reserved when it comes to that part of the relationship, preferring to keep it from entering a relationship until much farther down the line. That has been a blessing and a hinderance in every case over the years. (Yet in spite of some recent dating advice, I'm still going to hold to my guns on that, because I very much believe this.)

26. I'm pretty strict in my budget and finances for most things, and life was really tight for a few years. Which means I use money for necessities and new clothes aren't always a necessity. Unfortunately that means frump and feeling blah can happen a lot in the (outdated--meaning 7+ years) clothing area.

25. I have a lot of physical issues that make me self-conscious and have me thinking others see it, too. It could be affecting my physical attraction level to men. I don't know. But it definitely affects my self-esteem.

24. I once had a date that only occurred because we were proving a point to each other. The irony is that I'd had a huge crush on the guy and went through an embarrassingly and (for me) elaborate asking him to Preference only to wait 5 days and then be rejected because he's just started dating another girl. You'd think finally going on a date would have fed the crush. But the crush was 18 months previous, and his rejection had thoroughly crushed the crush.

23. I had (have?) a bad habit of telling guys who I'm pretty sure aren't interested in me that I'm interested in them and just want to hear for sure how they feel so I can remove all trace of hope. I've learned from my dating coach this isn't recommended....

22. This previously listed bad habit has now morphed to asking guys whom I'm pretty sure aren't interested in me out on dates so I don't ruin my chances with the ones who might actually be interested. I'm thinking this might still not be wise....

21. I come across as settled, or too adult. <As an infamous eye roller, you need to insert an eye roll here>

20. Mr. Best Friend was 5 years of my life. 5 years during my eligible dating years. That's almost 1/3 of those years.

19. In my 17 years of eligible dating years, I spent 3 of them living where there were only about 5 worthy and worthwhile (meaning they had jobs, and they happily lived the Gospel wholeheartedly) men to date in my branch/immediate area, and 4 years where there were 0 eligible men in the immediate area (and about 50 in the entire state).

18. Generally, I either don't inspire 2nd dates with guys I would like to have those with, but do inspire them with guys that a first was enough for me.

17. I have a Dating Coach now. The last 2 years I've spent learning all of the things I've been doing wrong the previous 15 years. I concur with her motto: "It's not you, it's your technique."

16. I had a reverse adolescence. Everyone went through an "eek" phase as a teen and grew out of it by the time they were a young adult. My teen years were rather "meh" and then suddenly as a young adult, I started to go through "eek." I didn't figure out hair, make-up, clothes until I finished graduate school. I had just turned 25.

15. I had a second date with a guy that was a complete misunderstanding, but I didn't have the heart to clear up the mistake.

14. I had a man who was very much interested in dating me, until he found out that some times I donate my hair. He told me that just showed where my priorities in marriage were. :-O

13. There was one guy during my high school dating years, close to my age, whom I was really interested in. I thought he was interested in me. We got along so well, and I soon learned that the ward thought we were dating! I figured out his feelings when I learned at a ward dance that he wasn't coming--because he'd asked some other girl to his school dance.

12. After a discussion and agreement with a man that I'd been on one date with that we were not exclusive, he continued to contact me every day, and follow me around like a puppy (no exaggeration--every where I went!!) at 2 church activities. When he confronted me about not seeming to enjoy this behavior, I reminded him that we'd agreed we were not going to be exclusive, that I needed some space, as my personality type tends to need. He chose not to reply, but his responding action was to completely avoid and ignore me while obviously pursuing another woman in front of all our mutual friends. I guess his definition of space meant "we're done."

11. I once hit it off very well with a guy who had just come home from his mission. I thought he was interested in me. As fast as we started to hit it off, he completely dropped all contact with me when he left to be a salesperson in another city. I learned later from his sister that he was interested, but (not knowing the full story) thought that Mr. Best Friend and I would make a much better couple. So he dropped his pursuit of me and told Mr. Best Friend to date me, which, obviously, never happened.

10. I am a desirable target for Ghosting.

9. I am a desirable choice for "We're just friends, but I need someone to go on a date with me so you'll have to do" dates.

8. My self-definition is that I am a sentimental, melodramatic, stubborn, hopeless romantic. That reason could stand alone and condemn me.

7. I never have a clue what I'm doing, and pretty sure that everything I do is not the right thing. Too much, not enough? Right time, wrong time? It's all a game--and I hate playing it! #WelcomeToDating

8. I let myself get too attached too easily to men I barely knew, who (now I can see) obviously had no interest whatsoever in me.

7. I get too excited too soon about possibilities and What Could Be's when I need to just relax and have fun. (This would be one of the biggest lessons I'm trying to learn from my Dating Coach.)

6. I have always been attracted to the kind of men who would never pay me a second thought. I'm doing my utmost to go more with the Top Ten Categories that my Dating Coach has counseled me to do. Two years is still a little too early to tell, and unfortunately the attractions for the Out of My Reach still occur.

5. I have a "terrible" introvert/hermit nature that would much rather stay home than put myself out there among strangers. There were definite times during my dating years when I just checked out of society. And those times lasted much longer than they should, hence my fierce determination to stay in it right now, even though I'm exhausted!

4. There was a guy I met at a party a few years ago. It was instant interest on my side. I met and began liking him before my other friends, but as they met him, they began to like him, too. One dropped out of the running, but the other, my roommate, was still interested. She was doing nothing to advance that, while I was. I even asked the man on a date. After a nice date, he walked me to my door. I could have let him say goodnight, and that probably would have been the end of everything. On reflection, I still wish I'd left it. But I knew my roommate was interested, so I invited him in for ice cream so she could have a chance to talk with him and get to know him as well. He was visiting with us for another 3 hours, which led to a year of "aaaaaaah!!!" for the both of us. I suppose if I'd left it, it all would have worked itself into some other part of our life. Still, why am I kind like that?

3. I had a Skype date with a guy who refuted every opinion I had on mutual books we'd read. I knew there would NEVER be a chance for us when he told me that Mr. Collins was the real hero of Pride & Prejudice.

2. I'm told I'm intimidating, where ever that comes from. I direct you here for my defense (warning: some foul language contained).

1. It's a part of God's plan which I learn a little more of each day and which I put my faith and trust in.

Last words (for now): There's so much more I could say. Some of this is facetious. Some of it is speculation. Some of it is truth. Some of it is, who knows. 17 years of dating (or not dating) brings a lot of experiences, thoughts, and lessons to learn. I think the most important thing is that at my current situation, right now, I'm happy. I love my life. I love what I have learned. I love what I have ahead of me. I recently learned something in my marriage class that definitely applies to dating: Be ready for Failure, Frustration, and Forgiveness. It will always be there. These reflections show that the 3 F's have flowed throughout my dating experiences--both on my side and on all the men's sides. I only have more room to grow, and I will stay at that.

Amen

I came across this blog post yesterday, and it inspired me! In many ways. It also made me laugh, sympathize, empathize, and got me thinking. I want to create my own list. It will be part humorous, but all truthful. A good self-reflection, since I like to do that around my birthday. But I also loved what she had to say after her list. I quote a huge chunk of that, because she nailed it. It is exactly how I feel. So why put into words what she said perfectly? (I also highlighted the paragraph that currently resonates with me considering what I've recently been through, but everyone of these paragraphs has been a lesson learned/realized--often repeatedly--at some point or another.)

Here are her words, which I want you to add my testimony/belief/statement/agreement to:

Well, let's start off with the fact that I do want to get married. But I have struggled long and hard to realize that my singledom is actually my own choice. I am not a victim of circumstance nor am I even a pawn in some great malicious game God is playing. I have always had and still have my ability to choose. But I just haven't found someone who I would want to be married to and who would also want to be married to me.

Have I met guys before that I think I was compatible with? Yes. Did they think they were compatible with me? No. Has the reverse happened? Most definitely. But, I would be unhappy being married to someone I was unhappy with. And he would be unhappy with me in the reverse. So I'm grateful that I haven't just married to get rid of my single status. I'm looking to marry someone to build a relationship, life, and a family with. And that sometimes takes a little longer. And, no, I'm not looking for perfection, which is the next thing you were going to ask me. How could I honestly expect perfection when I'm a fruitcake myself?

And to those who think otherwise, being single is not a curse. I have an excellent career, wonderful callings in the Church, family and friends who surround me, plenty of opportunities to serve others, and in general, I lead a pretty good existence. Yes, I struggle with massive issues of perfectionism. Still. Every day. And you know what? I bet I would struggle with that being married as well. Do I sometimes feel lonely? Sure. So do married people. Marriage is not a "fix" for most problems and could even intensify them. I'm still in favor of it because there's the potential for greater joy as well. And because the family is central to God's plan. And because I love me a good man. (And because...childrenzzz!)

Overall, I know that God knows where I am. He knows what I am doing. And our plans are in sync. It's tempting to ask, "Why?" And sometimes I do. But when I ask "why?" the real answer is not, "Well, it's because you turned that one guy down on a third date." It's more like, "Remember that sister in your ward who you helped when she was lonely? I needed you there for her" or "Remember how you were available to help your family when there was an emergency? I needed you there to help."

I know I could certainly help and serve being married with children, and boy howdy, I fully intend to do so. But since I am where I am, I have chosen to do what God would have me do and be where He would have me be right now. In this moment. I am astounded nearly every day that if I choose to instead ask, "Am I doing what you want me to do?" the answer is, "Yes!" (except for when I am a basket case and beat up on myself emotionally. Or maybe not when I fail again and again at holding my tongue. You know what, though? Maybe even in those moments because those moments humble me and turn me to God and others. And to professional counseling. Hahaha...).

Does God want me to have my own family? Of course. Does He know I want a family? Assuredly. So we've got that covered. What else do I need to worry about?

I'll tell you what I worry about--working to believe Christ and trust in God. I work to be a better person and develop Christlike attributes. I work to love others more and serve others freely. I work to eliminate pride and bitterness from my soul. I work to avoid judgment and get rid of grudges. 

I probably have a million "reasons" why I'm still single at 30. And maybe even some of them are legitimate enough that I need to change myself to be the kind of person that my future companion would want to marry. And if that's so, thank the heavens I've been given some extra time. And if it's just because God has other places for me to be, I'm so grateful for those other enriching and wonderful opportunities I've been given. And if, which I also suspect, God is just letting me figure it out, well, then, go ahead and try to set me up on a date. Just don't be surprised when I shake his hand, when he calls me too emotional, or when I blog about my frustrations with dating (side note: dating really IS the worst. No battle.). 

God knows me. And he knows what I need. And he also knows what some future husband of mine needs. If the crazy who will want to marry me someday is anything of what I imagine him to be, he's also out there on his knees somewhere, praying that He can do all that God wants him to do. And he's out there serving and getting answers to his "why's" as well.

-By Liz, http://lizstitt.blogspot.com/2015/09/30-reasons-why-im-still-single-at-age-30.html?utm_content=buffer1f612&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

This.

Once in a while we find hilarity in the single world.

(Follow the link. You have to or you just won't get it.)


Can I just tell you how attractive I find a sense of humor, especially one where the person doesn't take themselves (really, that should be themself even if it isn't considered a word) too seriously?

Why can't I find guys like this to go on a date with. We would have so much fun!!! At least, I know I would. I love to laugh. I'd hope I could be just as funny for him.

Anyway. To sum up my reaction--I laughed. A lot. Really enjoyed this take on Tinder (a site I don't bother to use; I prefer LDS Matchup). Really enjoyed his humor.

A Tally. Of Sorts.

7 Days

3 Dates

2 Guys

1 Name

Yeah. I found some humor amongst the forever shock that I've been asked out.

A Laugh That Keeps On Going

There's definite truth in this--and it makes me laugh hysterically.