Yes, I am not married yet. We are in the engagement phase where we are making plans and adjustments. In a way it is nice to have the time for the adjustment. But it is also difficult, for as an LDS girl I know of the power of the adversary--and he is certainly trying to give it all he can.
I did not go into this relationship blind. I never thought it would be an easy thing. But I could never have imagined quite what it would be like. Like all those people who say you won't really understand anything about parenting until you have your own children. That baby-sitting and nanny-ing and any other child care is still not quite the same thing. Well, so it is with relationships. Especially relationships intended on marriage.
The last week was difficult for both of us. Emotions, stresses, mental and physical energy. It all wore on us. For me, it allowed the adversary to sneak in to tell me how unfit I am as a companion. What a terribly mistake this is. That being single is easier. So like the adversary--feeding lies mixed in with a truth. Because even before I met my love, I had come to the realization that singleness really is easier. It doesn't allow me to progress in many ways, but it sure is easier! A long while back I had to make the decision if I wanted the easier road, or the difficult one that would lead me to a greater joy and happiness and fulfillment that could never be found on the road for one. I made that choice then. I made it again when I told my love I would marry him. And ever since I have had to make that choice every day--sometimes several times in the day!
The adversary keeps trying to remind me that the single road is easier, but conveniently leaving out the memories of the loneliness and heartache and all those tears as I dealt with life single, alone, and frustrated in a spot I could not progress from. While trying to distract me with that half truth, he tries to throw in all those other things that feed off my doubts and insecurities. And it is a daily struggle--an even harder one because for the next few months I am still at a place where I could easily make a different choice.
Single is easier, but not worth it. And maybe I am inadequate and flawed. But heavens--aren't we all! Who on this earth aside from our Savior was ever perfect? Who ever knew all the answers and applied them all perfectly when it came to marriage? I am in great company of millions throughout earth's history who chose this route and fought every single step of the way to bring about the greatest blessing of their lives. And never let go. The Josh Groban song that I used to hold on to for the hope it gave--which hope for me was that my dream of finding the love of my life would come about one day--has now changed to not letting go of "all that we could be." All we are meant to be--but only together. I have never been one to shirk a challenge, unless I'm tired! :-) So it is time to "Awake and Arise" and fight what I must for the 3rd greatest choice of my life.
I can't understand it.
The search for an answer is met with a darker day.
And we've been handed these moments forever.
But I'm reassured there's another way.
You don't have to close your eyes.
There is room for love again.
Ease the pain to realize
All that love can be.
Forced apart by time and sand.
Take a step and take my hand.
And don't let it go.
Never let go.
Broken, once connected,
We were so strong and so blessed in a simple way.
So don't let me go it alone.
Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below but me.
Face the truth to realize
All that we could be.
Torn apart by rage and fear.
Hold onto what brought you here.
Don't let it go.
Never let go.
Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below.
Don't let go.
The search for an answer is met with a darker day.
And we've been handed these moments forever.
But I'm reassured there's another way.
You don't have to close your eyes.
There is room for love again.
Ease the pain to realize
All that love can be.
Forced apart by time and sand.
Take a step and take my hand.
And don't let it go.
Never let go.
Broken, once connected,
We were so strong and so blessed in a simple way.
So don't let me go it alone.
Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below but me.
Face the truth to realize
All that we could be.
Torn apart by rage and fear.
Hold onto what brought you here.
Don't let it go.
Never let go.
Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below.
Don't let go.
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