The Dating Game Continues

I've had 2 dates within a week. Two different men. The first date caught me completely by surprise. It actually still does. Things like that never happen to me, and I will forever be flattered by it. It was a nice date. I really enjoyed meeting this man and I would love to get to know him more. I haven't a clue if that is mutual. So, after everything I'm done and applying what I've learned from my Utah dating coach and what I'm learning from my Toronto dating coach, I just leave it all there. Everything is in his court. And this time around I'm not going to wait, hope, and fantasize. I'm just going to move on with my life. If he comes back to the front door I will very gladly open it for him for more conversation and maybe even another date, but I'm not going to hold the back door open hoping he'll come there once in a while.

So I went on a date with the other man last night. I've had a co-worker suggesting we two goo on a date for about 3 years. I'm open to being set up. She finally convinced him to come in to the library last week, where she proceeded to introduce us and say that we should go out some time. It seemed rather awkward for either of us to say no, what with her standing there and everyone around the reference desk listening in! So we agreed.

Now I want to clarify that I am a true believer in a date is just a date. OK? All right. But even if the first few dates don't mean marriage, I'm still going to go on the date looking for the traits and qualities that I would like in my best friend. I'm still going to practice being a kind, interesting, interested, fun, companionable date. Because it's always good practice and every one of us, man and female, deserve to have nice dates.

I believe overall we both left this date thinking it was nice. But for me, it wasn't really beyond that. For one thing, our senses of humor do not mesh. And another, probably the most telling thing is I left feeling particularly stupid. As I look back over it, I think he was being a little condescending to me. I think that may have come in when he asked my age and very blatantly referred to how young I am. I'm only 10 years younger than him. It's not that much of a stretch and I've been on a date and an almost set-up with older.

I believe my different religion may have also factored in his behavior, as it did mine. Because I believe both of us figured out somewhere in that date that neither of us would be interested in anything beyond the first date. Which is probably why I ended up talking about the absolute dumbest things, and he just encouraged me every step of the way. I'm rather embarrassed about that and not only did I leave the date feeling stupid, but I also left feeling like I haven't learned a thing from my dating coaches.

So the dating game goes. I really hate playing this game. But I am determined to win, so I will keep at it.

At least my Utah dating coach would be proud that I'm keeping my monthly date goal, even though I've literally done nothing in the last 3 months to make sure the goal is made.

Though this lovely night was only a fantasy...

New Year's Eve was a fantasy. A beautiful, one-night only fantasy that I have been re-living ever since and probably will so for another few days.

But I'm trying to remember my barriers. One is that I fantasize too much. So though the night was an unexpected, unbelievable fantasy come to life, that was it. And it is over. I mustn't think beyond what actually happened that night.

The attempts to contest another personal barrier (of thinking I'm invisible, or second choice, or even no choice at all) keep going back and forth, wondering what to do. It's hard to grasp what reality is when you don't know what the full truth of the matter is. But I feel it is safest to simply remember I had a most lovely evening, and that is that. Nothing more, but nothing less either.

So, except for running away, losing my shoe, and having a Prince who was enchanted by me and is now seeking me out, this was my fantasy evening:



Though I think my heart will be free of it when I finally dance in the arms of the man I love who loves me in return.

Not hopeless

I started reading this quote as if it applied to my struggle with being a single adult. I realize once I recognized the quote that that wasn't the original message or meaning. However, with the amazing things I've been learning from my pseudo dating coach, my Goddess coach, or my Toronto God-send--what shall I call her?!?!, this quote applies to me. Especially to the barrier that I built somewhere in my history to protect myself. A barrier that I'm currently trying to recognize each time it creeps up and work on moving away from. In January I'll attend a seminar/conference that will help me even more with that. Until then, I thought it appropriate to share. And felt I should give a bit of an update on where I am in my singleness. I'm on the yellow brick road to Oz--things are looking up so much!

THIS!

I saw this article tonight:

Here Is Why Paying For The Date Is Not About The Money

It's so true! It is not about the money. I actually don't like money being spent on me. It makes me feel awkward, uncomfortable, and undeserving. Yet I've been taught to accept graciously. So I do. But I can have just as much fun and enjoyment by a inexpensive or free date, and definitely feel just as feminine and desirable because a man has chosen to spend time with me.

I do want to point out that though not about the money, one element is not as true for me. I don't spend that much money to prep for a date. I will certainly dress up, and put in some effort. But I am not one that goes to get my nails done, or hair done ever. And new clothes get bought every few years. So again, not as much money spent right before a date.

I point this out, though, because a lot does get spent by me in order to reach a first date. I have to put in a lot of money in the dating game. I like to go to dances. I have fun at those dances, mostly, however, I'd really like to meet some men at these dances, too! I go to dinner groups, dance lessons, ward parties, Family Home Evening activities, Institute classes, hot springs outings, movie outings, festivals, vacation adventures elsewhere, and so much more. Guess what? Each one of those things costs me money to go! Some of those quite a bit of money!

I go to them because I want to have fun. I go because I like to see and make friends there. Yet a huge reason I go is to meet men. I am an INFJ, and a hermit by nature. I love to stay at home, curled up reading or watching a movie, playing a game with friends, or making and eating food at one of my hosted parties. I prefer smaller, intimate settings. And most of those activities are basically free. So not only am I shelling out a bunch of money to participate in these other activities, but I'm also spending large amounts of emotional, mental, and physical energy. Energy that takes time to renew--time that should be spent continuing to go out to meet new people, otherwise I feel I'm being lazy, or wasting time and opportunities.

For a girl who has to put out so much just to meet men, it means so much to have a man ask me out and want to spend some time with me. I have appreciated each date, no matter how awkward, boring, exciting, misleading, silly, fun, ideal, "perfect," or painful. Each one has given me experience. I have learned much about myself. I have had a chance to be away from the huge crowds and be in the more preferred smaller settings. I've been able to have conversations. I love that I get dates now (as opposed to no dates for 3 years straight). I would like to have more. One day, I would hope that the dates progress to a more steady, serious, committed relationship. But I don't want to rush it. I just want that to happen when it's right. Until then, please men of good character and standing and intentions--please keep asking me (and other women!) out.

Oh. My. Word.

That moment when you realize the guy you met online a couple of days ago and have been chatting with is actually a guy who asked you on a date 4 years ago, to which you said yes, and then he never followed through.

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And no, I'm not giving him a second chance for that date. I already know it would not be an enjoyable experience and we are most certainly not compatible. I have witnesses who can confirm.


This just reinforces the post I wrote not even 2 hours ago.

Losing Hope

Then there are the times, much more frequent over the last few months than ever before, when I am completely done with the whole dating thing. I've managed so far to live just fine on my own. While I know I need and want a man at my side, these are the times when the idea of all the work involved to merge our two lives together seems like such a hassle. Especially considering how much of a hassle the dating part right now is. I lose hope that any man I am attracted to (in all the ways) will be attracted to me. That no man will want me at his side as he seeks for and then pursues his Quest. Checking out from the game seems the most appealing option. Much less stress, much less roller coaster of emotions. But checking out has caused so much singleness in my life already. And it isn't putting my faith in God and His timing, nor giving my all in effort to prove myself worthy of such a great gift and blessing as my best friend.

But where is--or what is--the fine line of "Stop thinking about it and it will just happen" and "I'm done with this?"

Overheard Today

"I'm not single. I'm romantically challenged." - from "A Christmas Wish"