Over the last week, I was able to see that I have forgiven both the man and woman who have caused me all the pain I was going through for a couple of weeks. I felt prompted yesterday that perhaps I should let this man know. So I went online today to tell him, and learned that the two of them just got engaged. Imagine that--the time it can take to forgive someone can also be the time it takes to get engaged!
I'm not totally sure how I'm feeling about it. Trying to do a feelings check, and I can't come up with specific emotions. But I do have one overall conclusion: I'm fine with it. And that's all I need to know.
I have managed to find the irony, however. Over my dating time as an adult, I have had what could either be a cursing or a blessing. It is certainly a hidden power. I have lost track of how many men I have dated (either 1 or 2 dates or actual dating relationships) who have found their spouses immediately after dating me.
I used to joke that men who were serious about finding a relationship should date me, because they would find her right after me. But I'm starting to think this might be a good idea. After all, I'd be doing a huge service to the singles community in getting relationships going and people out of the singles scene. And in the mean time, I would be getting dates and experiences and even friendships out of that. The men and I would have a good time and in the end they would find happiness. I like helping others find happiness. But I wouldn't be left in the lurch. Because "all these things shall give thee experience," and, as the Lord has promised me, my turn would come in the right time. And every one of my desires will not only be fulfilled, but I will be more ready to recognize, receive, and accept them because of all the experiences that I'd had.
Yes. I think it is a good idea.
Now accepting applications for active LDS men who are serious about finding a relationship and looking to have fun dates while getting to make/improve a friendship. High return on investment guaranteed, for both parties.
Come to think of it, I think this ad has been in place for quite a few years. We just forgot to print and announce it.
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Friday, April 1, 2016
Spring is Coming--it's almost here!
I had forgotten how many emotions can be endured and lessons learned/reinforced in only a few days. Truly, the best part of all the failed relationships I've had over the years is how much I grow mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and intellectually. Mark a few more taller notches on my growth chart--this one is a huge growth spurt. In just 4 days, I have re-learned about forgiveness, answers to prayers, and the power of the Atonement while repeatedly and randomly cycling through all 5 stages of mourning and grief (denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). You'd think once one reaches acceptance they're done. But no. I have accepted it by the end of one day, and then wake up to a different stage.
I've gone through the same thing with my aunt's death last summer. I have accepted it. I am so grafetul for eternal families. Yet when I went to visit her grave a month ago I burst out in tears from missing her so much and still in disbelief that she is gone from us here on earth.
What was amazing is that I have been listening to my I Need to Cry playlist all this time, knowing I had tears that needed to come out for a more fuller healing of myself. I know me. That's how I work. Yesterday I felt on top of the world, because in the temple the previous night I was able to forgive him for what he did. But this morning? I woke up, and finally cried. Rather unexpected. By that point I guessed that there would be no tears. But I was wrong. And I feel there are still a few more that want out before I've cleansed the aching soul. Amazing that you can forgive someone, yet there is still residual pain. Probably because even though I hadn't given him my heart as I'd done in previous relationships, I gave him a part of myself that I had never given before. I compromised a bit on my side, yet there was still a lot of meaning and intention and even commitment in what I gave. He worried I would regret that. And I wouldn't have, save for how he chose to end it.
However, I'm not missing him. I'm missing the relationship we were building. I had a date last night with a man I've known for 10 years. It was comfortable. It was nice. But I could not help thinking throughout it how much it was lacking from what I'd just had. Not saying that it couldn't build in time with date guy, but I was just reminded how far and how deeply break-up guy and I had gotten to. How he qualmed so many of my social anxieties. How it was so easy and natural to be with him. How our conversations ran absolutely everywhere. I was missing that. That's what I thought of when I woke. That's what brought on tears.
But I have forgiven him. He may be a huge idiot (I really hope he doesn't get hurt by his decision). And he is rather self-centered, as the majority of our relationship focused on him and his thoughts and his opinions and his needs and his timeline and his desires. That's what I was hoping to address with him Monday night. But I didn't get a chance. There is relief to a point. I don't have to deal with those aspects now. But I had really wanted to. I had wanted to try and move past our second real barrier.
Instead I found myself facing, alone, his betrayal. For by Wednesday I figured out that is exactly what he did. He betrayed me with a kiss. (Well, several hundred kisses.) And I was so angry. But in the temple, I put things in perspective and could see that when Jesus was betrayed, it was a much deeper, more painful, more knowing and willing betrayal than what I endured. And I prayed for help to let go and forgive him. The Savior answered that prayer, and I felt amazing yesterday. I felt whole and my soul was lighter and freer.
Yet in the evening and then this morning, I could see that the last vestiges of the whole ordeal remain. I need to forgive her. I didn't realize I needed to until I noticed that anger kept returning, and it is because of her role in all this. I'm having an extremely difficult time with this--it may be the hardest part for me. But I really, really want to move on. And I don't want something as trivial as this to hold me back.
So currently I'm praying for help with that. And listening to either Josh Groban's "You are Loved" or "For Always" on repeat. I haven't reached "My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee" on repeat, which means I am doing very well, actually. That fact alone reminds me that I've endured much worse, as well as what an incredible future full of promised blessings I have in store for me!
I just came back from a walk on my lunch break. And I came up with an analogy to go with all this! I know. I love my analogies (as seen in spiritual life as well as previously in dating). We had snow last Monday--on THE day. We've been having snow here and there for the last 2 or 3 weeks. And it seemed like spring just couldn't make it through. Or maybe it would come but be very stunted. Today as I walked, I looked around and noticed that in spite of the snow and cold temperatures, spring is determined here in Utah. It is tenacious and fighting with such a will. There are blossoms on trees, and green buds forming. Daffodils and crocuses still blooming in spite of the chill and earlier snow. It is beautiful, and it brings hope.
And that is me in this frustrating, unpredictable, upsetting, disheartening wintery dating world. I am determined. I am tenacious and I will fight with a will until I succeed. I will not let setbacks keep me from reaching my potential. From continuing to grow. To be powerful. To be full of life. To be beautiful.
That's the name of this blog! I live in hope. I will continue to do so. I am determined and I will keep going. Like spring in Utah I will not let anything set me back from achieving my potential and what the Lord intends for me.
I've gone through the same thing with my aunt's death last summer. I have accepted it. I am so grafetul for eternal families. Yet when I went to visit her grave a month ago I burst out in tears from missing her so much and still in disbelief that she is gone from us here on earth.
What was amazing is that I have been listening to my I Need to Cry playlist all this time, knowing I had tears that needed to come out for a more fuller healing of myself. I know me. That's how I work. Yesterday I felt on top of the world, because in the temple the previous night I was able to forgive him for what he did. But this morning? I woke up, and finally cried. Rather unexpected. By that point I guessed that there would be no tears. But I was wrong. And I feel there are still a few more that want out before I've cleansed the aching soul. Amazing that you can forgive someone, yet there is still residual pain. Probably because even though I hadn't given him my heart as I'd done in previous relationships, I gave him a part of myself that I had never given before. I compromised a bit on my side, yet there was still a lot of meaning and intention and even commitment in what I gave. He worried I would regret that. And I wouldn't have, save for how he chose to end it.
However, I'm not missing him. I'm missing the relationship we were building. I had a date last night with a man I've known for 10 years. It was comfortable. It was nice. But I could not help thinking throughout it how much it was lacking from what I'd just had. Not saying that it couldn't build in time with date guy, but I was just reminded how far and how deeply break-up guy and I had gotten to. How he qualmed so many of my social anxieties. How it was so easy and natural to be with him. How our conversations ran absolutely everywhere. I was missing that. That's what I thought of when I woke. That's what brought on tears.
But I have forgiven him. He may be a huge idiot (I really hope he doesn't get hurt by his decision). And he is rather self-centered, as the majority of our relationship focused on him and his thoughts and his opinions and his needs and his timeline and his desires. That's what I was hoping to address with him Monday night. But I didn't get a chance. There is relief to a point. I don't have to deal with those aspects now. But I had really wanted to. I had wanted to try and move past our second real barrier.
Instead I found myself facing, alone, his betrayal. For by Wednesday I figured out that is exactly what he did. He betrayed me with a kiss. (Well, several hundred kisses.) And I was so angry. But in the temple, I put things in perspective and could see that when Jesus was betrayed, it was a much deeper, more painful, more knowing and willing betrayal than what I endured. And I prayed for help to let go and forgive him. The Savior answered that prayer, and I felt amazing yesterday. I felt whole and my soul was lighter and freer.
Yet in the evening and then this morning, I could see that the last vestiges of the whole ordeal remain. I need to forgive her. I didn't realize I needed to until I noticed that anger kept returning, and it is because of her role in all this. I'm having an extremely difficult time with this--it may be the hardest part for me. But I really, really want to move on. And I don't want something as trivial as this to hold me back.
So currently I'm praying for help with that. And listening to either Josh Groban's "You are Loved" or "For Always" on repeat. I haven't reached "My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee" on repeat, which means I am doing very well, actually. That fact alone reminds me that I've endured much worse, as well as what an incredible future full of promised blessings I have in store for me!
I just came back from a walk on my lunch break. And I came up with an analogy to go with all this! I know. I love my analogies (as seen in spiritual life as well as previously in dating). We had snow last Monday--on THE day. We've been having snow here and there for the last 2 or 3 weeks. And it seemed like spring just couldn't make it through. Or maybe it would come but be very stunted. Today as I walked, I looked around and noticed that in spite of the snow and cold temperatures, spring is determined here in Utah. It is tenacious and fighting with such a will. There are blossoms on trees, and green buds forming. Daffodils and crocuses still blooming in spite of the chill and earlier snow. It is beautiful, and it brings hope.
And that is me in this frustrating, unpredictable, upsetting, disheartening wintery dating world. I am determined. I am tenacious and I will fight with a will until I succeed. I will not let setbacks keep me from reaching my potential. From continuing to grow. To be powerful. To be full of life. To be beautiful.
To. Be. Full. Of. Hope.
That's the name of this blog! I live in hope. I will continue to do so. I am determined and I will keep going. Like spring in Utah I will not let anything set me back from achieving my potential and what the Lord intends for me.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Feast or Famine: Beware Upset Stomachs
So much can happen in only a few weeks. The two dates that weekend ended up escalating to 4, though only 3 happened because one made up some excuse to get out of ours.
The canceled date said we would reschedule and never heard from him again. I'm not entirely disappointed, as he was already being very demanding in our text/chat portion of the relationship, before we'd even met.
The Saturday date I believe forgot about it, but showed up 45 minutes late. At least he showed up.
The initial Skype date that had to be postponed twice turned out nicely. Good conversation. Some texting in the following 2 weeks, in which we set up another Skype date. He didn't show up for it. And I never heard from him again. That was a confusing Ghosting experience, but oh well.
The second Skype date was painful. I had to initiate all conversation and try to keep them going. No surprise, no second date after that.
But during the course of the 4 technically 3 dates in a weekend, I met another man online. For me, there was an immediate connection. Probably because this guy knew how to carry on a conversation--even in writing! We scheduled our first date; then I didn't hear much from him after. I wondered if he'd lost interest. (Learned later that yeah, basically he had.) But we still want on our date and there was a huge connection and a lot of chemistry.
That was the 1st of 5 dates within 3 weeks. He was dragging his feet about the idea of us being exclusive. I believe he thought about it, but he just wasn't there. So it rather surprised and, yes really hurt, that on Monday morning he called me to tell me that he decided to be exclusive with another woman whom he hadn't even been dating (they were friends with a long background; that doesn't equate to dating--read Elder Oaks.).
The main thing that hurts, is the reasons he ended us. If we had ended ourselves because of differences we couldn't work around or didn't want to work around, fine. But this feels like it is trying to re-enforce one of the fears I have been trying to fight most of my life: that I am not the kind of girl any guy is looking for, and that he will always find someone else and go for her rather than me. (Deeper explanation given here.) In the past, most guys just went for the other girls without giving me a chance. This is the first time that a guy showed interest, and told me I am beautiful and amazing and that he really enjoyed being with me, and still chose another girl--two days after our last date, only hours after us texting about when we'd be able to see each other next.
So, yep, I'm in pain from that. But I'm OK with the relationship ending. And the residual pain/anger is fading and will soon be gone. I'm still putting Goddess lessons in to practice. This included what I have started calling my letter therapy. And I've closed the back door and am continuing onward. I am reviewing my Goddess Journal, and my love magnetizing mantras. And, mostly, I'm just moving on with my life and remembering all the things I love about me as well as my life. Because I am worth it to someone, somewhere, whose head won't be turned by another woman. It will happen. I believe it.
I have learned and gained much in the last 5 weeks. I can't believe it has only been 5 weeks! Looking forward to all the more things I have to gain. Thus, on y va!!
The canceled date said we would reschedule and never heard from him again. I'm not entirely disappointed, as he was already being very demanding in our text/chat portion of the relationship, before we'd even met.
The Saturday date I believe forgot about it, but showed up 45 minutes late. At least he showed up.
The initial Skype date that had to be postponed twice turned out nicely. Good conversation. Some texting in the following 2 weeks, in which we set up another Skype date. He didn't show up for it. And I never heard from him again. That was a confusing Ghosting experience, but oh well.
The second Skype date was painful. I had to initiate all conversation and try to keep them going. No surprise, no second date after that.
But during the course of the 4 technically 3 dates in a weekend, I met another man online. For me, there was an immediate connection. Probably because this guy knew how to carry on a conversation--even in writing! We scheduled our first date; then I didn't hear much from him after. I wondered if he'd lost interest. (Learned later that yeah, basically he had.) But we still want on our date and there was a huge connection and a lot of chemistry.
That was the 1st of 5 dates within 3 weeks. He was dragging his feet about the idea of us being exclusive. I believe he thought about it, but he just wasn't there. So it rather surprised and, yes really hurt, that on Monday morning he called me to tell me that he decided to be exclusive with another woman whom he hadn't even been dating (they were friends with a long background; that doesn't equate to dating--read Elder Oaks.).
The main thing that hurts, is the reasons he ended us. If we had ended ourselves because of differences we couldn't work around or didn't want to work around, fine. But this feels like it is trying to re-enforce one of the fears I have been trying to fight most of my life: that I am not the kind of girl any guy is looking for, and that he will always find someone else and go for her rather than me. (Deeper explanation given here.) In the past, most guys just went for the other girls without giving me a chance. This is the first time that a guy showed interest, and told me I am beautiful and amazing and that he really enjoyed being with me, and still chose another girl--two days after our last date, only hours after us texting about when we'd be able to see each other next.
So, yep, I'm in pain from that. But I'm OK with the relationship ending. And the residual pain/anger is fading and will soon be gone. I'm still putting Goddess lessons in to practice. This included what I have started calling my letter therapy. And I've closed the back door and am continuing onward. I am reviewing my Goddess Journal, and my love magnetizing mantras. And, mostly, I'm just moving on with my life and remembering all the things I love about me as well as my life. Because I am worth it to someone, somewhere, whose head won't be turned by another woman. It will happen. I believe it.
I have learned and gained much in the last 5 weeks. I can't believe it has only been 5 weeks! Looking forward to all the more things I have to gain. Thus, on y va!!
Monday, February 22, 2016
"You don't believe in signs..."
A broken heater for me yesterday.
Today the flu for him.
I am impressed and flattered how he still wants to reschedule our skype date and not see it as a sign. ;-)
P.S. Saturday had an extremely last-minute date as I filled in for a last-minute dropped date of my friend. Plus this Skype date. Plus a date scheduled for Friday. THREE dates in 6 days with THREE different men. The Goddess Weekend continues to go strong in my life, and I am beyond amazed. And excited. And truly having fun!
Today the flu for him.
I am impressed and flattered how he still wants to reschedule our skype date and not see it as a sign. ;-)
P.S. Saturday had an extremely last-minute date as I filled in for a last-minute dropped date of my friend. Plus this Skype date. Plus a date scheduled for Friday. THREE dates in 6 days with THREE different men. The Goddess Weekend continues to go strong in my life, and I am beyond amazed. And excited. And truly having fun!
Saturday, February 20, 2016
No. Just...No.
If you have grandchildren, you are not in my dating range!
And lest you come at with me with the accusation of "you're too picky:"
I am still young enough to have my own children, and really hope that will happen with the man I marry. Though I generally have a wide age range, right now it has narrowed because of one of the biggest things I want in our marriage. So 28 years older than me when I'm in my 30s, ain't gonna happen, sir. But thank you for your interest. I'm looking for the positive, being-flattered in it.
In other news--Goddess Weekend changed my life!! Been putting it in to practice for the last 3 weeks and already has made a huge difference in getting over a blow that would have really, really hurt me before the Goddess Weekend.
And lest you come at with me with the accusation of "you're too picky:"
I am still young enough to have my own children, and really hope that will happen with the man I marry. Though I generally have a wide age range, right now it has narrowed because of one of the biggest things I want in our marriage. So 28 years older than me when I'm in my 30s, ain't gonna happen, sir. But thank you for your interest. I'm looking for the positive, being-flattered in it.
In other news--Goddess Weekend changed my life!! Been putting it in to practice for the last 3 weeks and already has made a huge difference in getting over a blow that would have really, really hurt me before the Goddess Weekend.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
The Dating Game Continues
I've had 2 dates within a week. Two different men. The first date caught me completely by surprise. It actually still does. Things like that never happen to me, and I will forever be flattered by it. It was a nice date. I really enjoyed meeting this man and I would love to get to know him more. I haven't a clue if that is mutual. So, after everything I'm done and applying what I've learned from my Utah dating coach and what I'm learning from my Toronto dating coach, I just leave it all there. Everything is in his court. And this time around I'm not going to wait, hope, and fantasize. I'm just going to move on with my life. If he comes back to the front door I will very gladly open it for him for more conversation and maybe even another date, but I'm not going to hold the back door open hoping he'll come there once in a while.
So I went on a date with the other man last night. I've had a co-worker suggesting we two goo on a date for about 3 years. I'm open to being set up. She finally convinced him to come in to the library last week, where she proceeded to introduce us and say that we should go out some time. It seemed rather awkward for either of us to say no, what with her standing there and everyone around the reference desk listening in! So we agreed.
Now I want to clarify that I am a true believer in a date is just a date. OK? All right. But even if the first few dates don't mean marriage, I'm still going to go on the date looking for the traits and qualities that I would like in my best friend. I'm still going to practice being a kind, interesting, interested, fun, companionable date. Because it's always good practice and every one of us, man and female, deserve to have nice dates.
I believe overall we both left this date thinking it was nice. But for me, it wasn't really beyond that. For one thing, our senses of humor do not mesh. And another, probably the most telling thing is I left feeling particularly stupid. As I look back over it, I think he was being a little condescending to me. I think that may have come in when he asked my age and very blatantly referred to how young I am. I'm only 10 years younger than him. It's not that much of a stretch and I've been on a date and an almost set-up with older.
I believe my different religion may have also factored in his behavior, as it did mine. Because I believe both of us figured out somewhere in that date that neither of us would be interested in anything beyond the first date. Which is probably why I ended up talking about the absolute dumbest things, and he just encouraged me every step of the way. I'm rather embarrassed about that and not only did I leave the date feeling stupid, but I also left feeling like I haven't learned a thing from my dating coaches.
So the dating game goes. I really hate playing this game. But I am determined to win, so I will keep at it.
At least my Utah dating coach would be proud that I'm keeping my monthly date goal, even though I've literally done nothing in the last 3 months to make sure the goal is made.
So I went on a date with the other man last night. I've had a co-worker suggesting we two goo on a date for about 3 years. I'm open to being set up. She finally convinced him to come in to the library last week, where she proceeded to introduce us and say that we should go out some time. It seemed rather awkward for either of us to say no, what with her standing there and everyone around the reference desk listening in! So we agreed.
Now I want to clarify that I am a true believer in a date is just a date. OK? All right. But even if the first few dates don't mean marriage, I'm still going to go on the date looking for the traits and qualities that I would like in my best friend. I'm still going to practice being a kind, interesting, interested, fun, companionable date. Because it's always good practice and every one of us, man and female, deserve to have nice dates.
I believe overall we both left this date thinking it was nice. But for me, it wasn't really beyond that. For one thing, our senses of humor do not mesh. And another, probably the most telling thing is I left feeling particularly stupid. As I look back over it, I think he was being a little condescending to me. I think that may have come in when he asked my age and very blatantly referred to how young I am. I'm only 10 years younger than him. It's not that much of a stretch and I've been on a date and an almost set-up with older.
I believe my different religion may have also factored in his behavior, as it did mine. Because I believe both of us figured out somewhere in that date that neither of us would be interested in anything beyond the first date. Which is probably why I ended up talking about the absolute dumbest things, and he just encouraged me every step of the way. I'm rather embarrassed about that and not only did I leave the date feeling stupid, but I also left feeling like I haven't learned a thing from my dating coaches.
So the dating game goes. I really hate playing this game. But I am determined to win, so I will keep at it.
At least my Utah dating coach would be proud that I'm keeping my monthly date goal, even though I've literally done nothing in the last 3 months to make sure the goal is made.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Though this lovely night was only a fantasy...
New Year's Eve was a fantasy. A beautiful, one-night only fantasy that I have been re-living ever since and probably will so for another few days.
But I'm trying to remember my barriers. One is that I fantasize too much. So though the night was an unexpected, unbelievable fantasy come to life, that was it. And it is over. I mustn't think beyond what actually happened that night.
The attempts to contest another personal barrier (of thinking I'm invisible, or second choice, or even no choice at all) keep going back and forth, wondering what to do. It's hard to grasp what reality is when you don't know what the full truth of the matter is. But I feel it is safest to simply remember I had a most lovely evening, and that is that. Nothing more, but nothing less either.
So, except for running away, losing my shoe, and having a Prince who was enchanted by me and is now seeking me out, this was my fantasy evening:
Though I think my heart will be free of it when I finally dance in the arms of the man I love who loves me in return.
But I'm trying to remember my barriers. One is that I fantasize too much. So though the night was an unexpected, unbelievable fantasy come to life, that was it. And it is over. I mustn't think beyond what actually happened that night.
The attempts to contest another personal barrier (of thinking I'm invisible, or second choice, or even no choice at all) keep going back and forth, wondering what to do. It's hard to grasp what reality is when you don't know what the full truth of the matter is. But I feel it is safest to simply remember I had a most lovely evening, and that is that. Nothing more, but nothing less either.
So, except for running away, losing my shoe, and having a Prince who was enchanted by me and is now seeking me out, this was my fantasy evening:
Though I think my heart will be free of it when I finally dance in the arms of the man I love who loves me in return.
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