Another FYI

Our 7 month engagement got cut short when, after 4 months, we decided to elope to the Provo City Center Temple.

A new direction for my Happily Ever After has come about.

But I am still keeping my eye single to God.

I still feel I am a spokesperson for LDS Singledom, because I saw more than many LDS members I meet, and I have no problem talking about it.

I also feel like now I can help others in being honest that marriage ain't no easy road. We hear that so often in lessons and in passing. But you really cannot know until you know.

Plus, compared to Singledom? Good gracious you had better not play around when making your choice! And remember how imperative it is to keep the Lord in your marriage.

I knew all this before.

But now I am knowing it.

5 months in. Eternity to go.

And I am loving every bit of it.

What's in a Name?

In my Wife for Life class, we talk about Unsolvables. This is my 4th semester taking the class, but the first time I have had a man in my life that this is beginning to apply to. Last week was the lesson Unsolvables came up in. And I knew that mon amour and I are still getting to know each other, still learning. We had not stumbled upon any Unsolvables, yet. Until last night. Who knew we would have SUCH trouble with names for children! I haven't a clue why he brought up that subject during our pre-FHE dinner, but he did. And for the next half hour or more, we agreed on absolutely nothing! Well, maybe at one tiniest instance I brought him around to my view on one name. But that was it. Boys. Girls. Pronunciations. Nicknames. We were so far apart on it, it was laughable.

Which is exactly what we did. Knowing it was an Unsolvable when we hit it just made us laugh. Eventually we will work around and through it. There is no rush on it, obviously. We have 5 more months before another 9 months of waiting and deciding is even a possibility. But it is so much more pleasant knowing as one goes into a relationship that there will be some things that will take a WHOLE lot more work to compromise on, and that's OK. It's normal. And it doesn't destroy any part of our relationship or love for each other because we know how to deal with it.

But of ALL the things--names? Hilarious to think that Shakespeare was wrong. And Anne of Green Gables knew it all along.

Two Roads Diverged

I always knew that marriage would not be easy. Aside from the many books and articles I have read on relationships in hopes to prepare me for my own one day, I have observed countless other relationships. I know they are not all sunshine and roses--because even roses prick with their thorns and sunshine can cause sunburn or heat stroke. Opposition in all things requiring balance.

Yes, I am not married yet. We are in the engagement phase where we are making plans and adjustments. In a way it is nice to have the time for the adjustment. But it is also difficult, for as an LDS girl I know of the power of the adversary--and he is certainly trying to give it all he can.

I did not go into this relationship blind. I never thought it would be an easy thing. But I could never have imagined quite what it would be like. Like all those people who say you won't really understand anything about parenting until you have your own children. That baby-sitting and nanny-ing and any other child care is still not quite the same thing. Well, so it is with relationships. Especially relationships intended on marriage.

The last week was difficult for both of us. Emotions, stresses, mental and physical energy. It all wore on us. For me, it allowed the adversary to sneak in to tell me how unfit I am as a companion. What a terribly mistake this is. That being single is easier. So like the adversary--feeding lies mixed in with a truth. Because even before I met my love, I had come to the realization that singleness really is easier. It doesn't allow me to progress in many ways, but it sure is easier! A long while back I had to make the decision if I wanted the easier road, or the difficult one that would lead me to a greater joy and happiness and fulfillment that could never be found on the road for one. I made that choice then. I made it again when I told my love I would marry him. And ever since I have had to make that choice every day--sometimes several times in the day!

The adversary keeps trying to remind me that the single road is easier, but conveniently leaving out the memories of the loneliness and heartache and all those tears as I dealt with life single, alone, and frustrated in a spot I could not progress from. While trying to distract me with that half truth, he tries to throw in all those other things that feed off my doubts and insecurities. And it is a daily struggle--an even harder one because for the next few months I am still at a place where I could easily make a different choice.

Single is easier, but not worth it. And maybe I am inadequate and flawed. But heavens--aren't we all! Who on this earth aside from our Savior was ever perfect? Who ever knew all the answers and applied them all perfectly when it came to marriage? I am in great company of millions throughout earth's history who chose this route and fought every single step of the way to bring about the greatest blessing of their lives. And never let go. The Josh Groban song that I used to hold on to for the hope it gave--which hope for me was that my dream of finding the love of my life would come about one day--has now changed to not letting go of "all that we could be." All we are meant to be--but only together. I have never been one to shirk a challenge, unless I'm tired! :-) So it is time to "Awake and Arise" and fight what I must for the 3rd greatest choice of my life.

I can't understand it.
The search for an answer is met with a darker day.
And we've been handed these moments forever.
But I'm reassured there's another way.
You don't have to close your eyes.
There is room for love again.
Ease the pain to realize
All that love can be.
Forced apart by time and sand.
Take a step and take my hand.
And don't let it go.
Never let go.

Broken, once connected,
We were so strong and so blessed in a simple way.
So don't let me go it alone.
Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below but me.
Face the truth to realize
All that we could be.
Torn apart by rage and fear.
Hold onto what brought you here.
Don't let it go.
Never let go.

Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below.
Don't let go.

FYI

Obedience is a powerful thing.

It affects dreams, wishes, desires, and prayers.

And because of it, I am now living in a beautiful dream of reality as countless spoken and unspoken prayers have been answered toward the 2nd greatest desire and wish of my heart being granted.

I will relishly be relinquishing single status in about 6 months.

Blog Silence is Golden

At least, for me, with this blog, it is. Because for one, it means I am not having awful or painful experiences in the dating world, thus nothing to write about. It could also mean that I am having good dating experiences and they take up my time that I have none to write.

And both would be the case this time!

I am not only having good dating experiences, I am having several of them which have actually led to me being exclusive with an absolutely amazing man. So I'm just going to focus on us right now and leave a little blog silence. Maybe I will give some updates. We'll see. All I need to share right now is that I am very, very happy.

Today

Today I still have 

My mom and dad
My beloved sister
My brothers
My amazing in-laws
My "niephews" 
My home
My job
My patrons who love me
My co-workers who love and support me
My neighbors and ward members
My testimony
My health
My car
My legs and feet
My arms and hands
My hair (yes, I'm going to put that in there :-) )
My eyes
My friends and very best friends
My aunts, uncles, and cousins
My blogs
My games
My Happy Now list
My memories
My love
My heart
My beliefs
My freedoms
My voice
My Church leaders
My tissues
My books
My blankets
My joy
My ability to serve
My temple recommend
My smile
My sense of humor
My food
My sense of security
My experiences
My desires
My Lord's Gospel
My scriptures
My journals
My gift of the Holy Ghost
My Redeemer
My Heavenly Father
My future


Today, I am overwhelmed. 
Today I am mourning.
Today I am tired.
Today I am crying.

But

Today, I am grateful.
Today, I am fortunate.
Today, I am blessed.

Getting to the Bottom of It

I had to do some personal pondering, reflections, and feelings checks after my "out of the blue" heartbreak on Sunday. Because it couldn't have been out of the blue. Something led to something somehow. Thus I thought about it. And when the realization dawned on me, I literally sat for a full 5 minutes at work with my mouth hanging open. (Thank goodness I was back in the office!)

It came to me that, yet again, I am being passed over for some other woman. The background details of that fact are ironic and ridiculous and embarrassing and most especially surprising. So I'm not getting into that. But the point is that is my biggest barrier, my biggest fear is that I am unwanted by men. That men see me and decide to go for other women. Granted, hopefully that is what generally happens, or else I would be in a lot of trouble! What I mean is that I felt no man would ever look at me, because they would always find someone else more attractive, desirable, etc. than me.

At our Inner Goddess weekend, we learned that our barriers were things built over time for one reason or another. And in my pondering, I was able to remember the very first time this happened in my life. The most profound one. Because really, having men 5 years older than me pursue women 5 years older than me when I was still a teenager--that wasn't a real rejection. Nor were the boys that I crushed over secretly who never went for me. But that first time. The first real rejection I ever had. He was such a great friend, and I had so many feelings beyond that. I thought he did, too. Lots of people thought he did. But we were all wrong. It shocked us all when we figured out that he liked another girl. My heart dropped when I learned, and led to me lying on the floor in a dark room for 1/2 an hour, crying my eyes out. Yeah, I was an emotional teenager. (Yes, I'm still emotional as an adult, but I've really tried to curb it!)

That of course was not my only rejection. I had many afterwards. But this was my first. It was eye-opening for me to realize that that was the very first instance. But what had my heart and stomach dropping on Sunday? I am being passed over by the same guy. Honestly, I can't blame him. He really hasn't a clue. It happened before I was able to tell him anything. Yet the irony and that deep-seated fear came whirling so fast at me as I saw it all unfolding all over again. Yet it was even deeper because it's what had "started it all." And that's why I was caught so off guard.

I'm moving along with it. While also dealing with my health issues and being overly-stressed and tired at work. All 3 together are making for a terrible cocktail of emotions. But I'm glad I have been able to trace all 3 things to their sources, and can deal with each one accordingly. That was more than half the battle right there.

And now I'm closing the back door, without even bothering to ask questions. I'm just going to shut it. And I will protect myself from letting that person in anywhere. I will be better, wiser, and more cautious.

All will be well.